Around the same time that Twitter turned into an ocean of #THETERRORISTHAVEWON hashtags after Sony killed and cremated The Interview, Defamer posted leaked emails between St. Angie Jolie, Amy Pascal and Hollywood’s greatest super villain Scott Rudin about the inevitable turd that is the Cleopatra movie. Up in Heaven, Elizabeth Taylor is looking down at those simpletons while thinking to herself, “Nobody ruined Cleopatra the way that I ruined Cleopatra, but nice try, bitches.”
The e-mails that Defamer threw up yesterday are follow-ups to the legendary, cuntastic, hacked e-mails where Scott Rudin called Angie a “minimally talented spoiled brat” and told Amy Pascal that Cleopatra was going to be an epic flop that would make them the laughing stock of Hollywood. Little did Scott know that the e-mail he was writing would become laugh fuel. In the new e-mails from February 2014 and beyond, the three of them fuss over the choice of director, the script, the look, the wigs and at one point they discuss filming Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra instead. I wish they would’ve gone with that last idea, because Angie doing Shakespeare would be a Razzie-worthy extravaganza that would bring tears of happiness to my eyes.
There’s equal parts ass kissing and behind-the-back trash talking in the e-mails. St. Angie comes across as calm, sane, controlled and it seems like she really cares about doing that mess right. Scott and Amy nod at her, but every now and again they step away from the e-mail chain to whisper about how crazy she is. I love it! If you haven’t already, you should read the entire rundown at Defamer. I’ve thrown together a few highlights:
– When Martin Scorsese’s name comes up as a possible director, Angie says she’s ready to beg him to do it. Amy calls the idea of Cleopatra directed by Scorsese and starring Angie “the greatest movie ever.”
– When Angie, Amy and Scott go back and forth about whether or not Cleopatra should be bald in the movie, Angie says that she’s afraid being completely hairless will “change the sensuality” of the movie. Scott disagrees with her at first, but then he changes his mind and comes up with a genius idea. He doesn’t think she should be completely bald. She should have a shaved head “or possibly a fade like Kid ‘n Play.” Fuck Angie. They should just get Christopher “Kid” Reid to play Cleopatra.
– When Angie tells Scott and Amy that she’s studying more films to figure out who her “wild card directors” are, Scott and Amy remove her from the chain to get into some shit-talking fun:
Scott: Beyond belief. She’s studying films. Kill me please. Immediately.
Amy: What films is she studying
Scott: I assume the ones she’s been in.
– Amy brings up the idea of Angie starring in and directing the Little House on the Prairie movie. Angie shits on that idea.
– When Angie writes an email saying that they need to get a good script editor to help screenwriter Eric Roth tighten up his script, Scott privately tells Amy, “She’s seriously out of her mind.”
Scott and Amy are the Statler and Waldorf of Hollywood.
Those e-mails pretty much prove to me that instead of making a Cleopatra movie that nobody wants, they should instead make a movie about these e-mails called Messopatra: The Making Of A Disaster. A doormat covered in weave hair can play Amy, a bitchy bulldog can play Scott and my abuelita’s Ángel de la Guarda candle can play Angie.