Jessica Biel’s either got a human growing in her body or she’s suffering from the same shit I suffer from, skinny fat, because she’s been looking swole. The hobo’s Blake Lively (or is Blake Lively the hobo’s Jessica Biel?) and Justin Timberlake haven’t said anything about her being knocked up, because it’s pretty obvious that she is and they’re way too ~famous~ and way too ~ private~ for that. Besides, they don’t need to announce that shit when they’ve got Joey Fat One to do it for them.
Just like the editor of InStyle before him, the brown-headed Guy Fieri let everyone know that in a few months Jessica Biel’s body will eject a baby that will be all ass and Ramen hair. Joey EXCLUSIVELY told InTouch that he’s known about the TimberFetus for a long time now.
“He told me a while ago, and I kept my mouth shut,” Joey says in the new issue of ‘In Touch.’ “But now I can talk about it!”
And though Justin and Jessica have kept mum on the subject, Joey is confident they’re more than ready to become parents. “Jessica is awesome, and Justin is a kid at heart,” he adds. “[They’ll have] fun.”
If JT is pissed that Joey Fat One is blabbing about his oh-so-private private life, he shouldn’t be. JT thinks he’s too good for an NSYNC reunion tour, so how else is Joey supposed to get money? Being the guest host of The Price Is Right Live! show at Bally’s in Las Vegas only pays so much (and by “so much” I do mean drink tickets and a free dinner at the buffet). Joey has no choice but to trade info about the most famous NSYNCer for a check made out to cash from InTouch Weekly. You did this to yourself, JT!
And here’s JT and Jay-Z leaving Taylor Swift’s apartment in NYC yesterday. Are they doing a song together? Did they have a spit roast threesome? Or did Jay-Z and JT come over to make Christmas cookies in her Easy Bake oven while singing along to the Chipmunks Christmas album? This is Tay Tay we’re talking about. It’s the last one.