At the end of Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People special, which splattered on TV screens last night, she said that it will probably be her last time doing it and even though she said the same thing last year, she sort of kind of means it this time. No, she doesn’t. Babwa will do it again next year, because she lives for everyone’s brain burping out a stream of HUHs over her weird choices. Next year, Barbara should stop with the trickery and keep it honest. She needs to change the title of her list to the 10 Least Fascinating People, because some of the people on this year’s list are about as fascinating as a piece of chewed, wet cauliflower stuck to a string of floss.
Barbara’s Most Fascinating People list included Chelsea Handler, ScarJo (?????), Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Strahan (??????), Elon Musk, Oprah, Taylor Swift, George RR Martin and David H. Koch. There are over 7 billion people in the world, and according to Babwa, 2 of the most fascinating are a People’s Choice-nominated actress and the co-host of a morning show that’s on the network she works for. The word “fascinating” really needs to file a lawsuit against Barbra for slandering it over and over again. Because Barbara’s list was the opposite of fascinating, I figured that her Most Fascinating Person of 2014 would be Blake Lively. Barbra went with Amal Clooney instead and sure, she’s a well-spoken, educated human rights lawyer, but she only became fascinating when she married Booker from Roseanne:
Barbara usually lays it on thick, but she laid it on extra thick last night. Barbara didn’t interview Amal, so she had to use words to convince us that Amal is the new definition of fascinating. The only thing that Barbara’s words did is convince me that she and the person who wrote those words are comedy geniuses. Here’s just a few of the hilarious quotes that dribbled out of Barbara’s mouth when talking about the couple that redefined LOVE:
“I guess the question is, ‘What does it take to fascinate one of the most fascinating men in the world?'”
“Amal Alamuddin, now known as Amal Clooney, is suddenly in that stratosphere that we reserves for the Jackie Os and the Princess Dis and Kate Middletons. That is, everything she does, says or wears is officially fascinating.”
“You could say hers was the wedding of the year, but let’s put it into perspective, it was really one of the greatest achievements in human history.”
“Amazingly, Amal has been the subject of very little snark or envy. Maybe because we, like George Clooney, find it impossible to resist perfection. Or maybe be because, it is heartening to think that no matter how long it may take the perfect someone is out there for everyone and that for us makes her for the most fascinating person of 2014.”
Part of me thinks that Barbara was being tongue-in-cheek and the other part of me thinks that she actually believes that eye roll-inducing shit. To me, Barbara Walters is the Most Fascinating Person of 2014, because it fascinates me that she’s able to spit out that cheese and not choke on a tsunami of laughs while doing so.
And this was my face while watching that entire special:
Here’s the most perfect woman in the world and the most perfect man in the world being the most perfect in couple in the world while leaving a Studio City restaurant that is now the most perfect restaurant in the world because they ate there.