And Now In Hacked Sony Emails News, Bad Reviews Of “The Monuments Men” Made George Clooney Sad

December 14, 2014 / Posted by:

More hacked Sony emails have been released, and while they don’t get much juicier than Scott Rudin calling Dame St. Angie a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” (I wonder what he calls her off the record? My money is on “Jon Voight’s dumb vampire-looking daughter“), they do reveal that Amal Clooney’s actor husband George was a sad panda after he read all the bad reviews of his film The Monuments Men. According to Page Six, one of the recent leaks was an email George sent to Amy Pascal with the subject line “It’s getting worse“. In it, he cries to Amy that the reviews for the film he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in were so bad, he was losing precious beauty sleep:

“I need some protection from all the reviews. Let’s just make it a hit. I haven’t slept in 30 hours. And it’s 7 am.”

I hope the second Amy got that email, she rushed over to his house with a Costco-sized tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and a DVD copy of One Fine Day to cheer him up. Poor Georgie – some people didn’t like his movie! I think that’s the rich celebrity equivalent of not being asked to the prom. Amy did email George back, explaining that would “get revenge” by making money off the film, and George responded in true George Clooney style:

“I adore you Amy. You are literally the only person running a studio that loves film. I fear I’ve let you all down. Not my intention. I apologize. I’ve just lost touch… Who knew? Sorry. I won’t do it again.”

Damn, I think I just fell in love with George Clooney (“ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” chanted the C’loonies). Listen to George, trying to charm the pants off Amy Pascal. Unfortunately, not everyone is as good at kissing Amy’s ass; those leaked emails also revealed that there’s a certain bony booty hunter who has a reputation for being a thoughtless asshole. That’s right! Joining Dame St. Angie on the Sony Shit List is Leonardo DiCaprio.

During an email exchange between Amy Pascal and producer Mark Gordon regarding that Steve Jobs biopic, we find out that Leo had signed on for the movie, then decided to pull out (insert joke about Leo backstage at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show here). Mark asks Amy if his choice to bail was based on a deal or just Leo being Leo, and Amy responds that it was the latter. Then Mark hisses “Horrible behavior” and Amy one-ups him by calling his actions “Actually despicable.” And you know karma is real if the actor who they get to replace Leo in that Steve Jobs biopic goes on to win an Oscar for it.

Also in the latest email leaks was a swipe taken at the Intergalactic Nonsense Consciousness Pseudo-Scientology Twins, Jaden and Willow Smith, courtesy of the head of Sony affiliate TriStar Productions Tom Rothman. After reading the verbal bath salts burped up by Will Smith’s kids in T Magazine last month, Tom sends Amy a link to the interview urging her to read it, then adding “they r home schooled: don’t let this family date your movies!!!” I don’t speak Hollywood showbiz big shot, so I have no idea what “don’t let this family date your movies” means, but it sounds like Tom is very concerned that one of Amy’s movies might start hanging out with one of those backwards-talking homeschooled alien teens and end up as Tommy Girl’s next Contract Bride of Xenu.

And finally, if you’ve ever wondered if Channing Tatum knew how to use a computer, an email written by the former Tampa stripper was leaked, and it’s beautiful. According to Gawker, the barely-coherent email was part of a thread of correspondence between Channing, Amy Pascal, Jonah Hill, and a bunch of other studio executives. It reads as follows:

F YOU TED !!!! SECOND OF ALLLL TIMMMMME BEEEOTCH!!!! COME ON JUMPSTREETERS WE GOT CATE BLANCHETT WIT DIS BOX OFFICE BITCHES!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I should stress that I had to edit the original email down a bit; there was actually about 400 more HA HA HA HAs (the entirety of which can be read over at Gawker). And it goes without saying that I totally pictured Channing Tatum stabbing at the A and H keys on his keyboard with his index fingers while saying the words “Ha ha ha ha” out loud, hitting send, then opening up a new email with the subject line “FYI – HA HA HA means Channing laughing.

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