BREAKING: Saints Can Get Chickenpox

God’s protégée is not having a good December. First, we all find out that Hollywood’s super cunt Scott Rudin thinks St. Angie Jolie is a “minimally talented spoiled brat” with an ego bigger than her signature forehead vein. Then her movie gets completely shut out of the Golden Globes and now she’s come down with a case of the Chickenpox at the age of 39. Every chicken on earth is looking for a place to hide, because they know they’re going to pay for this. Universal Pictures uploaded a video of St. Angie announcing that she’s had to cancel all her press shit for Unbroken for the next few days, because she’ll be too busy patting her itchy spots before bathing in Caladryl.

This doesn’t make any sense. Only mere mortals get Chickenpox. Angie obviously made her child army draw bumps on her body with a red Sharpie and this is all just a stunt for her to get sympathy after the shit week she’s had. I see you, St. Angie. I also feel you, St. Angie, because that video gave me the itches and no, it’s not crabs (I think).

And somewhere in Hollywood, a look that says “Oh shit, she got me” covers Amy Pascal’s face right after a field of itchy bumps magically appears on her arm. The saint always gets her revenge! You’re next, Scott Rudin!