Vintage come-to-life dollhouse figurine Zooey Deschanel (seen above wearing my 94-year-old neighbor Mrs. Lee’s favorite errand-running visor while riding on a pony) has apparently found herself on the receiving end of a law suit claiming she broke a horse. Bitch broke a horse! I didn’t even know you could break a horse. TMZ says that a woman named Patty Parker (sidenote: the name “Patty Parker” actually suits Zooey Deschanel better than the name “Zooey Deschanel”) leased a show horse to Zooey back in 2013, and when she got the horse back, Patty says it was straight-up BUSTED. Patty claims that when she rented the horse to Zooey, she made her sign a contract saying that she wasn’t going to ride Literati – and no, I can’t with that name either – more than 3 times a week.
However, it sounds like Zooey might have broken that 3-times-a-week rule, because Patty says that when Zooey returned Literati, he was “injured and unusable”. So she’s suing Zooey for breaking her horse. Zooey had originally paid Patty $13,000 to rent Literarti, and now she says she needs a whole hell of a lot more than that; Patty claims Literati needs serious medical attention, and Zooey should be the one to pay for it, since she’s the one who sent him to the horsie hospital.
I am still very confused as to how a 90lb pocket pixie like Zooey Deschanel is able to break a horse. Was she using Literati to move pianos? Or jumping him off cliffs like a dirt bike? Did she sign Literati up for some kind of all-horse fight club? Something in the horse milk (ew) ain’t clean. I bet Patty and Literati are in cahoots and this is all just a scam to score some quick cash before they gallop down to Tijuana for Spring Break. I see you Patty and Literati – if that’s even your real name!