“Not Too Close – This Dress Is Dry Clean Only”

Why do I get the feeling that 3 seconds after this picture was taken, AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon had her assistant check her dress for grease stains and bedbugs. “This is BEYOND! I told you not to let that hobo-looking hipster touch me! I’m STILL trying to get the stink out of the clothes I wore during the Walk the Line press tour.”

The Hollywood premiere of Inherent Vice was held last night, which explains why Reese Witherspoon is hugging sexy dirtbag Joaquin Phoenix. Not that we really needed a reason – personally, I like to imagine Reese and Joaquin meeting every year around Christmas time to share a hug and a box of warm wine. Anyways, Inherent Vice is set in the 70s, so I guess that’s why Reese rolled up to the red carpet looking like Carol Brady’s gimlet-chugging sister from Manhattan named Prudence (“…but you can call me Pussy“). She also looks like Elle Woods, if Elle Woods went back in time to 1971, married a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon named Kip Skippington, and started breeding exquisite snow-white Persian cats instead of becoming a lawyer. Which is to say, I bet she smells like Revlon Charlie and pillow mints and the front seat of a 1971 Chrysler LeBaron.

Here’s more of Reese Witherspoon serving up Barbie’s mom realness, as well as Joaquin with his sisters Summer and Rain (why those two never got together and made an all-natural feminine wash is beyond me), my personal queen Maya Rudolph, Kimberly Stewart’s baby daddy Benicio del Toro, and Joanna Newsom who looked like she walked into drapery store high on furniture polish and was like “GIVE ME EVERYTHING“:

Pics: Splash