Whenever I see the term “multiple sources”, I immediately imagine a bunch of catty gossips crowded around the coffee maker in the office break room whispering shit like “I saw Linda eat two yogurts this morning. TWO! Linda is definitely pregnant.” But in this case, it’s not Linda, it’s Keira Knightley, and the coffee maker is Page Six. According to “multiple sources”, Keira Knightley is currently renting her womb to a baby and is 3 months pregnant. Keira has been seen recently wearing some roomy-in-the-gut type clothing, as well as attending the Moët British Independent Spirit Awards on Sunday night and not drinking any of that delicious Moët champagne (“Bitch please, like you’ve ever drank anything fancier than Baby Duck” hissed my liver).
Keira has yet to confirm or deny if her husband James Righton knocked her up, but sources say she and her stylist have been working hard to disguise her fetus pouch. That seems like a lot of trouble – she should just start carrying a huge box everywhere she goes and shrug it off like “What? It’s just a box. Don’t act like you’ve never seen someone carry around a comically large box before.” Or she could invest in some shapeless capes. Actually, that sounds like a great idea for a business. BRB – need to work on a Shark Tank pitch for Shapeless Capes™.
Only time will tell if Keira Knightley is pregnant (she totally is, but whatever), but I hope she is, because the only thing I love more than a hot bag of Frito pie is celebrity baby names. I’d like to see them double-down on those “ght” sounds and name it something like Dwight Knightley-Righton. Or just Knight Rider. Why not? What baby wouldn’t love to be named after David Hasselhoff’s second greatest work (after Baywatch Nights, of course).
UPDATE: It looks like “multiple sources” were right! Keira’s rep has confirmed that yes, she is knocked-up with a baby.