Joaquin Phoenix Announced He Was Getting Married To His Yoga Instructor Last Night, Confirms This Morning That It Was A Joke

December 9, 2014 / Posted by:

That might be the most Joaquin Phoenix-y sentence I have ever written. Last night, Joaquin Phoenix – the greasy bag of human crazy that I so would – announced during an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman that he was engaged to his yoga instructor. The last time we checked in on Qui Qui’s love life, he was dating a 19-year-old DJ named Allie Teilz. But I guess he got tired of constantly explaining to her what Seinfeld was or something, because Joaquin confessed that he had met the “the one” and it was the woman teaching him how to do a move called “harnessing the hog” (funny, that’s the same term the Mad Men costume department uses when talking about fitting Jon Hamm for pants):

“First we do these breathing exercises and I go, ‘I can do this’…and then she says we are going to get in the first position — the “harnessing of the hog’. Before I can say, ‘Who is the hog?’ She grabs me — and it’s a compromising and vulnerable position — and she gets a strap [around me] and she’s thrusting [against] me and I go, ‘Oh, no! My back pain!’ And she goes, ‘No, that’s your emotional back pain’. This is the crazy part of the story – we started dating, and I think she’s the one. I proposed to her and she said yes.”

Awwww, so sweet! Except for the fact that Qui Qui’s story was total bullshit. Joaquin appeared on GMA this morning and admitted that he made the whole thing up because his life is boring and he wanted the audience at The Late Show to like him. Obviously, this isn’t the first time Qui Qui has fucked with David Letterman; remember when he was still doing that performance art piece about looking like a matted crotch scab on drain cleaner?

So he’s not engaged. That’s actually a real bummer, because I was really looking forward to Joaquin’s messy interpretation of a wedding. I just pictured Joaquin and his yoga instructor girlfriend riding down the back alley of a secret hipster baron the back of dude dressed like a cockroach while a punk band made up of 89-year-old grandmothers scream a backwards version of Ave Maria.

And here’s Qui Qui before and after he faked an engagement for attention last night on The Late Show:

Pics: Splash

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