Hot Sluts Of The Day!

December 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Captain Hook’s jacked-up, fuck effort chola eyebrow situation from last night’s Peter Pan Live. There’s supposed to be an exclamation point after Live, but I can’t do it, because that boring mess was no exclamation point.

Peter Pan the musical is already weird. A grown woman dresses up like a teenage boy, breaks into a house at night and sprinkles “pixie dust” on the children (read: drugs them) before taking them up, up, and away. Some may call that a charming, family-friendly musical. I call that an episode of To Catch A Predator. I kept waiting for the dog to stand up, zip itself out of its costume and reveal it’s really Chris Hansen who has gone undercover to bust “Peter Pan.” So that shit is already weird, but NBC upped the WTFness by adding a Lisa Frank alligator on acid, a bunch of hot gay pirates who were dressed up like the Real Housewives going horseback riding, Tiger Lily looking like the worst dressed trick at Coachella (Vanessa Hudgens should’ve been her stylist), a chorus of bossy bottoms (aka The Lost Boys), Smee’s weird fabric tattoos, a dead maid, too much Melissa Joan Hart and a pathetic sword fight that needed a major injection of Viagra. That sword fight was like two soft peens slapping together. And Wendy! When I wasn’t screaming, “SOMEBODY FALL!!!”, I was screaming, “Get over it, Wendy!”

Wendy was so damn hard-up and she couldn’t take a damn hint. She’s the Jennifer Aniston of that story. Chick had no clue. Either Peter Pan isn’t a lesbian or Peter Pan just isn’t into her. I mean, that “gift” from Peter Pan was a huge hint. Who swoons over a Dollar Tree clearance bin, cheap comb that Peter obviously found in the gutter. I thought her and Tiger Lily were going to get together, because there was obviously a lot of sexual tension there.

Overall, it wasn’t the train wreck I thought it was going to be. Allison Williams played Peter Pan exactly the way you’d expect her to play it. It was mostly a long, boring train ride that didn’t seem to end. But there was two bright spots of intense fuckery:

Christopher Walken and his faded Sharpie brows!

Christopher Walken was peak Christopher Walken. I don’t even think he rehearsed, but Christopher Walken doesn’t need to rehearse. Christopher Walken just needs to be. He forgot his lines a few times and it looked like he kept looking at cue cards. Or maybe he kept looking at the clock on the wall. He was over it from minute one, but I never got over seeing him be over it. The only time I fully took my mouth off of my vaporizer was when Christopher Walken was on the screen giving us drowsy drag. His busted, drawn-on brows just added to the “fuck this shit” aura wafting off of him. Those are some brows that your friend would quickly draw on your face with a dried out Sharpie (that she’d have to keep licking to keep wet) in the back of a Lincoln as you make your way to the club. Smee definitely drew those brows on Queen Hook’s face during a choppy night at sea. Those brows made my night and so did Christopher Walken’s perfect drunk corpse dance moves:

If someone ever writes a Jackie Stallone musical titled Ass Reader: The Jackie Stallone Story, then there’s only one person who should play her and we all know who that is.

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