Dr. Nancy Snyderman achieved the impossible last October when she temporarily dethroned Matt Lauer as the smuggiest smug smugger of the Today show by breaking the voluntary Ebola quarantine she promised to put herself under and by releasing a bullshit statement where she took zero responsibility. A couple of months ago, Dr. Nancy, NBC’s chief medical correspondent, was in West Africa covering the Ebola outbreak and a freelance cameraman in her crew caught the virus. After coming back to the US, Dr. Nancy and the other members of her crew agreed to stay in isolation (aka not leave their houses) for three weeks. 72 hours after she started the quarantine, Dr. Nancy said fuck you to that shit when she drove with two dudes to a restaurant in Hopewell, NJ. Dr. Nancy sat in the car while one dude went to get the food. Dr. Nancy broke that shit for a stupid car ride. If you’re going to break the quarantine, break it for something good like…. like… like… Hmm, I can’t come up with a fun reason for being outside.
After Dr. Nancy Smuggyman dribbled out that non-apology, some people screamed for her to be fired from NBC. There were rumors that NBC planned to dump Dr. Nancy. That never happened and this morning, Matt Lauer welcomed Dr. Nancy back to Today. Dr. Nancy apologized for scaring the community and made it clear that the quarantine was only voluntary and she didn’t have one symptom. She also said something about hats.
“We had already been taking our temperatures 4, 5, 6 times a day, and we knew our risks in our heads, but didn’t really appreciate, and frankly we were not sensitive to, how absolutely frightened Americans were. So I came back, agreed to a voluntary quarantine in my home, and then 72 hours, left my home.
The thing is, I wear two hats. I have my doctor hat and I have my journalist hat. And when the science and messaging sometimes collide, and you leave the optics of, in this case, a hot zone, and come back to the United States good people can make mistakes. And I stepped outside the boundaries of what I promised to do, and what the public expected of me, and for that I’m sorry.”
In other words, Dr. Nancy is sorry she scared you. That’s a new one. Whatever happened to just saying, “I’m sorry! My butt wasn’t bleeding and I wanted mac and cheese. Get over it, you paranoid whores!” Dr. Nancy did earn herself a third hat from this mess. She earned a dunce cap.
And as my mom would say, “DR. OZ WOULD NEVER!” Dr. Oz would gladly stay in his house and film a month-long special titled: How To Lose Your Stubborn Belly Fat While Under A 21-Day Ebola Quarantine.