God A Team Of Skilled Plastic Surgeons Created Kim” (there, I fixed it for you).
Since it’s the holiday season and Pimp Mama Kris needs to pimp out the merchandise, Kim Kardashian made an appearance in this month’s Elle UK to talk about her tits, ass, and…uh…well, that’s pretty much it. She talked about her body. Kim Kardashian, as predictable as a sunrise. But honestly, what else is she going to talk about? It’s not really Kim’s fault; she has CADD (chronic attention deficiency disorder), and her doctor says we need to pay attention to her every 0.3 seconds or she’ll go into shock. So let’s get to it!
On how she used to curse God out for giving her giant tits, and how her dad was the one to help her accept her body:
“I was unhappy with my body – I developed really early. Every night I would sit in the bath and cry, I prayed my boobs would stop growing. When I was 13 my father wrote me a letter. He told me I had a body not many girls have, that later it would lead to attention from men, but that the most important thing was that I was a wonderful girl and I had to understand my self worth.”
On being a hobbit-bodied sex symbol:
“I grew up when the body to have was the tall, slim, supermodel one, like Cindy Crawford’s. No one looked like me. It’s good to break the mould and recreate one.”
On how its taken years and years of attention whoring to work up the courage to show off her greased-up tittes and butt meat:
“I am a confident woman, but I didn’t just arrive confident – it has built over the years and that is a big part of who I am now.”
On her plans for becoming the next Pimp Mama Kris:
“I want a boy and another girl; I want it to start happening straight away. I loved being part of a huge family – and I want that for North. We’d do IVF if nothing happens, but we both want to keep trying naturally.”
On how her sister Kendull Jenner signed a better contract with Satan than she did:
“I think she will be a huge star. I definitely think she will be bigger than I have ever been.”
Sadly, all the praying Kim was doing in the bathtub was cancelled out by all the praying Pimp Mama Kris was doing over her homemade shrine to Dark Lord Satan in her shoe closet. “Dear Prince of Darkness, please make me…errr, I mean…my daughter Kim famous. She’s dumb as a box of rocks, but I bet with the right set of tits she could be a star. In exchange for Kim’s fame, I’ll sell you the souls of my other less-useful children, like Rob, Khloe, Kourtney, Rob. Did I mention Rob?”
And when Kim says her body “broke the mold”, does she mean her body before or after it was injected with near-lethal quantities of black market silicone? Because I can imagine the mold her plastic surgeon currently uses for her ass has been broken many, many times.
Pics: Elle UK