Archives: December 2014

Open Post: Hosted By Sir Patrick Stewart And His Wiggling Hat

December 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Sir Patrick Stewart and his wife Sunny Ozell are back again with another video that was probably co-produced by the good shit. In this 37 second long video, Sir Patrick’s face does the slow humiliating descent to his palm as his hat’s dick dances around. Watching Sir Patrick’s face squirm like he’s getting his salad tossed for the first time and is having a hard time surrendering to the goodness is a Christmas gift, but this would’ve been at least thirty billion times better if he was naked and was wearing that wiggling hat over his crotch. I bet if his best brofriend forever Sir Ian McKellen was around at the time, he would’ve made that happen.

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Santa Claus Brought Justin Bieber A Private Jet This Year

December 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Speaking of Usher’s dick

On Christmas morning, Justin Bieber, who is looking more and more like a meth pimple on Aaron Carter’s cheek, ran into his bodyguard’s bedroom, jumped on the bed and shrieked about how Santa came. Like all of the adults in the Biebs’ life, his bodyguard is contractually obligated to not tell him the truth about Santey Claus, because that would hurt that little shit head’s heart. Once he finished opening up all the presents his people bought with his money, he opened up a very special present: a key to his own private jet! That is so much better than the Disney Dusty Plane rider he got last year for Christmas.

Today, the oozing herp sore on humanity’s asshole farted up two pictures on Instagram of a private jet. Justin Bieber claims he bought that shit for Christmas:

“New jet for Christmas. And she’s beautiful.”

TMZ thinks that the Biebs’ new toy is a G6, which costs around $60 million. The Biebs’ net worth is supposedly $200 million. TMZ also thinks that he could’ve gone in on a part-ownership kind of deal and is sharing it with other rich hos.

Here’s another shot of the inside of Douche Air:

jnprivatejetjb2014

Anybody who watched the television masterpiece that was Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story knows how this story will probably end. We’ll see the picture of his opulent private jet again in ten years on an episode of Oprah’s Where Are They Now? when he points to it while talking about the glory days as he gives a tour of the Florida motel room he moved into after he wasted all his money away.

Pics: Instagram

Usher’s Peen Might’ve Leaked All Over The Internet

December 26, 2014 / Posted by:

For years, “The Release Of Usher’s Fuck Tape” has been under “Lindsay Lohan’s Comeback” on the list of things we keep being told are going to happen and never happen.

Three years ago, it was reported that in 2010, Usher made the genius move of leaving $1 million worth of jewelry and two laptops in the trunk one of his cars. Someone broke into the trunk of his car and stole everything including a laptop which had a sex tape he made with his then wife Tameka Foster on it. Someone tried selling the tape right after it was stolen, but nobody wanted to buy it. Last month, TMZ said that someone once again tried to get money for the tape, but instead of going to the porn companies they went to the blogs. Usher’s lawyer Mark Geragos has been trying to track down the trick who’s been peddling the sex tape.

Well, two days ago on the night before Jesus’ born day, two grainy ass screen shots that were supposedly from the sex tape (NSFW) made their way onto the Internet. The saying “You are the company you keep” is so right because on Christmas Day my Twitter timeline was full of dick-crazed whores going on and on about Usher’s peen. The screen shots are so damn grainy and the lighting is so bad that it could be Nipsey Russell nibbling on a chorizo for all we know.

Usher hasn’t said anything about the leak yet.

It’s also kind of hard to tell if it really is Usher’s dick. I mean, is it really Usher’s dick if Justin Bieber’s ass isn’t wrapped around it? That is the question.

Pic: Men’s Health

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In Case You Were Wondering, Yes, Screech Is Still A Mess (UPDATE)

December 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, it’s good to know that Dustin Diamond Cubic Zirconia is still the biggest yeast infection bump of the Saved By The Bell cast and that’s saying a lot since Mario Lopez was in that cast.

Gossip Cop says that Screech (which is also the sound his career made after SBTB ended) was arrested in Port Washington, Wisconsin early this morning after he allegedly pulled a switchblade on a woman at a bar. Apparently, the neck beard-having urethra pimple and his piece (TMZ says the piece is his wife Jennifer and Gossip Cop says it’s his girlfriend Amanda) got into a fight with another couple at the bar. TMZ says that the couple Screech and his piece were fighting with were trying to take a picture of them. The fight led to Screech’s piece reportedly punching out a woman. The cops were eventually called and that’s when Screech pulled a switchblade on a trick.

Screech’s piece was arrested for disorderly conduct and was released back into the wild this morning. Screech was also put into handcuffs and charged with possession of a switchblade, reckless endangerment and carrying a concealed weapon. His bail has been set at $1,000, so I’m sure Mr. Belding got a call really early this morning from a drunken mess asking for a loan. Screech is still sitting his pathetic ass in jail, so who knows if he’ll be saved by the bail or not.

Carrying a switchblade is against the law in Wisconsin.

This Christmas story has so many layers of messiness and I have many questions. Who in the Hell carries a switchblade? Does Dustin Diamond think he’s Pony Boy or some shit? Who in the Hell tries to take a picture of Screech’s ass in the year 2014? I know it’s Wisconsin, but damn. What kind of human woman goes out in public with Screech?!

And Screech doesn’t need to carry around a switchblade. If he really wants to inflict pain on a trick with a deadly weapon, he should just give them a copy of his sex tape. I haven’t been the same since watching that dark-sided nastiness.

UPDATE: TMZ says that Screech stabbed a dude with his switchblade and left a 1/2 inch wound. Screech claims that the guy he stabbed attacked he and his wife. Screech’s bail isn’t $1,000, it’s $10,000. So yeah, every SBTB cast member isn’t answering the phone today.

Kim Kardashian Didn’t Ditch The Kardashian Khristmas Eve Party After All

December 26, 2014 / Posted by:

I know – you can finally sleep through the night tonight without tossing and turning and wondering if the Drowsy-Faced Queen of the Koven made it to the annual Kardashian Khristmas Eve party. It was rumored that Kim Kardashian wasn’t going to make an appearance at Pimp Mama Kris’ annual celebration, but it looks like Santa and Baby Jesus got together and made a Christmas miracle, because she showed up. Kim’s professional famous friends Brittny Gastineau and Salacious B. Crumb Cheban both posted several photobooth pictures of Kim and her current husband Kanye West partying at the Kardashian Kash Kompound on Christmas Eve to Instagram. Meanwhile, the small human they like to take pictures with was up on the roof Tweeting: “@NorthWest: Any tips for sneaking into Santa’s sleigh? Need to get out of here ASAP #help #saveme

No word on why it was rumored that Kim and Kanye Kardashian were thinking of skipping the party, but maybe it had something to do with TMZ saying they’re sad that they’re having trouble making a new photo op prop. Apparently Kim and Kanye have been trying to get knocked up for the past 9 months. S0meone needs to tell them that you have a better chance of getting pregnant if you’re both in the same city at the same time.

But enough about those two boring bowls of unsalted cashews trying to make another potential paycheck for PMK. Let’s focus on the real shimmering Christmas Star of the Kardashian Khristmas Party: HUMAN TREE-TOP ANGEL HIMSELF BRUCE JENNER!

Bruce!

Please ignore those two tragic 2s on either side and focus on the 10 in the middle. Because Christmas is the season of giving, Bruce decided to give the greatest gift of all – himself – and put in some face time at his ex-wife’s house. Look at that smile – that’s the face of a man who no longer has to wake up ever morning sandwiched between Pimp Mama Kris and Lucifer.

And here are some more picture’s from PMK’s celebration of cash…er…I mean, Christmas, including Khloe Kardashian almost flashing her figgy pudding:

Pics: Brittny Gastineau, Kylie Jenner, Khloe Kardashian, Kendull Jenner

Taylor Swift Tried To Make A Low-Key Appearance At A Broadway Show, But Was Ratted Out By Jon Voight

December 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift decided to spend her Christmas Eve eve (that’s a thing people celebrate, right?) doing what sounds like my nightmare: getting dressed up all fancy-like and going to the theatre. Christmas Eve eve is the night you pre-game for Christmas Eve by getting drunk on rum spiked with Baileys and eating Nanaimo bars till you start to lose all the feeling in your fingers, not spending $95 to be on your best behavior.

Regardless, Tay Tay is clearly much more refined than us drunks, because Page Six says she took her family to see Beautiful: The Carole King Musical on Christmas Eve eve, but unfortunately, Tay Tay wasn’t able to fly under the radar like she had hoped to, because St. Angie Jolie’s loudmouth father Jon Voight blew her cover. According to sources, Tay Tay managed to go unnoticed until intermission, and that’s when Jon Voight shouted across the theatre: “Taylor Swift! How are you?” Obviously hearing the words ‘Taylor Swift’ is like a Manchurian Candidate verbal trigger for girls aged seven to thirteen, so Taylor was mobbed by selfie-seeking fans. Good job, Jon Voight! Although – silver lining – at least he got her name right.

But is it really Jon Voight’s fault that Tay Tay was discovered? First off, St. Angie didn’t receive her gifts of quiet saintly humility from her father (she inherited them from her mentor, Jesus), so it’s kind of in his nature to talk first, think later. Second, he might have been drunk; hey, it was Christmas Eve eve. Finally, even if he hadn’t shouted out her name, Tay Tay would have still been mobbed by fans. It’s impossible for her to go incognito – she’s a 6-foot tall Disney Princess-looking humanoid giraffe.

Here’s Tay Tay looking like a Republican senator’s second wife as she arrives at Hugh Jackman’s play The River on Christmas Eve:

Pic: Splash

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

December 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Doodle Bears!

Because I’m numb on the inside and like to torture myself by venturing into the depths of Hell, I went to Toys ‘R Us a couple of days before Christmas to buy presents. During my visit in Lucifer’s torture tomb of pure terror, I got hit with a blast from the past that I didn’t know existed anymore. Doodle Bears are still alive and they still exist on this planet. Who knew? Even though they got a head enlargement, an eye job and a pair of stunted Sharpie brows painted on their faces, they’re still a bear you doodle on.

The Doodle Bears from Tyco first hit the toy stroll in the 90s. They were the perfect toy for brat ass kids who couldn’t stop drawing on the walls and furniture. Kids could scribble whatever they wanted on their Doodle Bear from their tagger name to their gang sign, etc…. By the time these came out, I was way too old for one, but one of my younger cousins had one and she fucked that shit up. She used non-washable markers on hers, so it never ever got clean in the washing machine. It looked like Justin Bieber: a plush toy covered in dreadful, tragic tattoos.

The Doodle Bears of today really lack the style the Doodle Bears of the 90s had. Thanks to their mega-high waisted jeans that were pulled all the way up to their armpits and their gay pride triangle nose, they were fashion icons of their time.

Here’s a Doodle Bear commercial that aired in 1995 in the UK:

In the mid-90s, every toy commercial looked like the Blossom intro.

If you landed on this post after a Google search and are really, really confused and wondering where the fat hairy dudes and scat are, you obviously misspelled “doody bears,” you cochino! This is a DOODLE Bear.

Pic: Buzzfeed

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Birthday Sluts

December 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Jared Leto (43)
Kit Harington (28)
Beth Behrs (29)
Natalie Nunn (30)
Alexander Wang (31)
Chris Daughtry (35)
Tiffany Brissette (40)
Reichen Lehmkuhl (41)
Lars Ulrich (51)
Temuera Morrison (54)
Tina Wesson (54)
David Sedaris (58)
Candy Crowley (66)
John Walsh (69)
Jane Lapotaire (70)
Phil Spector (75)
Caroll Spinney aka Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch (81)
Donald Moffat (84)

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Oh, It’s Just A Topless Danny Trejo In A Dallas Cowboys Santa Hat And Creased Jorts

December 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Since there’s a lot of sweet nectar to guzzle down, a lot of gay apparel to don and a lot of family fights to be had, Allison and I are taking the rest of Jesus’ born day off and we’ll be back tomorrow unless we have to run away from home after pushing a Christmas tree on our family members because we didn’t get them cha cha heels. Or get arrested after a cop catches us boning a trick we met on Tinder in the Jehovah’s Witness parking lot after midnight (it’s a holiday tradition).

So for now I leave with this perfect holiday portrait of the lighter to my black eyeliner pencil, Danny Trejo, ruling his kingdom on his throne while flashing his chest pies and working a Dallas Cowboys Santa hat, a pair of old-school creased baggy cholo jorts and white socks with black shoes. That IS the look of 2014. You better bow down to Trejo Claus before that white doggy-in-waiting cuts you, because she looks like she’s looking for a fight.

Merry Christmas, hos!

via Twatter via Reddit

Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Black cha cha heels from my favorite holiday movie of them all, John Waters’ Female Trouble!

Merry Christmas, everyone! I haven’t opened presents yet, but all I can say is that I better get them cha cha heels! Black ones! If you already opened presents and you didn’t get them cha cha heels, black ones, then you’re probably not even reading this. You’re hitchhiking on the side of the road after you busted out into a cunt meltdown, called your mom an ugly witch, pushed the Christmas tree onto her, told your parents to fuck off and ran away from home. This masterpiece scene below perfectly captures the true spirit of Christmas.

I mean, Christmas is nothing without them cha cha heels. This would’ve never happened if they only got Dawn Davenport them cha cha heels. If Dawn Davenport got them cha cha heels, she would’ve finished high school, graduated from medical school and found the cure for all the diseases. Cha cha heels are the key to happiness and peace.

Hopefully this Christmas Day we’re all blessed with the greatest gift of all and the greatest gift of all is cha cha heels! Gimme gimme cha cha heels!

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