Archives: December 2014

Open Post: Hosted By Jan Terri As The Virgin Mary

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Leave it to the legendary chanteuse and former HSOTW Jan Terri to tell the real story of the birth of the baby Jesus in a video for her 90s disco version of “Ave Maria.” Religious historians who have spent decades studying the birth of Jesus need to wipe away everything they’ve learned and have a seat, because Jan Terri is here to teach them exactly how it went down.

One day as the Virgin Terri prayed in the middle of a computerized village that looked like the old world version of Myst, a cigar-smoking, Al Bundy-like angel descended from the heavens and gave her a CASE OF THE BABIES by hitting her belly with some hot pink bacon rays. Months later, the Virgin Terri and a friend walked through the desert while she wore a pink Snuggie she bought at a Black Friday sale at Linens ‘N Things. (Yes, Black Friday existed before Christmas.) The Virgin Terri eventually made it to the manger where she gave birth to a baby doll she named Jesus. She celebrated the birth of our messiah by dancing with her bass-playing friend. The Virgin Terri didn’t have time for motherly stuff because she had to spread peace in the world. She ascended up into space and stopped a war and destroyed satellites with hot pink bacon rays that shot out of her hands. That is the real story. Behold:

Thank you, Jan Terri, for blessing us with the true story of Christmas! And thank you lord for the gift of Jan Terri!

Tags:
SHARE

Casey Kasem’s Body Has FINALLY Been Buried

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

After more than six months since he sailed up to Heaven on the sound of his own smooth voice and five months since his body was declared missing, TMZ says Casey Kasem has finally been buried. Normally when a person passes away, their family will make plans to have the body buried or cremated or blasted into outer space on a rocket. But if the deceased person’s family happens to be a bunch of dramatic messes who hate each other, like Casey Kasem’s crazy butter-colored wife Jean and his daughter Kerri, then there’s a greater chance they’ll put the burial on hold and fight over where to bury the body instead. And in true messy family drama fashion, Jean went ahead and had Casey’s body buried in Norway like she wanted he wanted last Tuesday without telling his children.

You’d think that burying a body that has been decomposing for six months would be a good thing, but it sounds like it might have been a bit of a shady move on Jean’s part. According to TMZ, the LAPD are still conducting an investigation into claims made by Casey Kasem’s kids that he was a victim of elder abuse, but it’s going to be pretty difficult to have the body exhumed now that it’s buried in foreign soil. And even if they do get the OK from Norway to dig Casey’s body up, Jean never had it embalmed, which means that whatever bedsores he may or may not have had will be long gone. And just like that, Jean’s portrait was moved from the Gold Digger Hall of Fame to the Gold Digger Basement of Oh Hell No.

Regardless of how much side-eye we’re throwing waaaay up high to Jean for how she did it, at least Casey Kasem’s body is in its final resting place. Which is a good thing, because he’ll no doubt need lots of rest in preparation for the lifetime of haunting his ghost is going to give Jean for letting his body decompose for half a year.

SHARE

And So The Jolie Vs. Aniston Awards Season Foolery Begins!

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Aniston reportedly hired Oscar campaign strategist Lisa Taback to change her official title from “sad and lonely™ Jennifer Aniston” to “Oscar-nominated sad and lonely™ Jennifer Aniston.” Well, Jennifer might want to get some of her deposit back, because Lisa Taback should’ve told her that if she wants to win the popularly contest known as the Oscars, she better sign as many autographs as possible.

One source tells Page Six that St. Angie Jolie is becoming the generous, selfless sweetheart of awards season while Jennifer Aniston is becoming the grouchy bitch of awards season. The source says that at a screening for Unbroken at the DGA Theater in NYC on December 5th, St. Angie Jolie spent 10 full minutes of her life signing autographs and posing with the Brangeloonies. Once the screening was over, she came out in the rain and continued to sign autographs for 10 more minutes. I’m surprised that she didn’t use her saintly powers to stop the rain and spin the Earth until the sun came out so she could sign autographs in the sunshine as the birds made flower crowns for Oscar voters and her fans. She’s probably saving that move for the week before the Oscar voting deadline.

»

Random, Thy Name Is Harry Styles Dancing With Kristen Wiig At An SNL Afterparty

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Poor Kristen Wiig; little does she know that she’s 24-hours away from receiving a box containing the severed head of a Peppermint Rose doll along with a letter written in pink glitter gel pen on monogrammed stationery that says “STAY AWAY, BITCH xoxo Tay Tay“. No, I’m sure Taylor Swift doesn’t care about Harry Styles anymore; he’s been out of her current famous friendship roster for a while.

But back to Kristen and Harry. UsWeekly says that it all happened at a Saturday Night Live afterparty early Sunday morning. Harry was there because One Direction was this week’s musical guest, and Kristen was there because it’s the holiday season and she thought she’d do a little charity work by making a cameo in a sketch or two. Well, we all know that weird stuff happens when you mix work colleagues and booze and Saturday nights, so naturally 20-year-old Harry would grab 41-year-old Kristen Wiig and start dirty dancing to “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” during the afterparty. And thankfully, it was all caught on video, because who of us wouldn’t want to see Kristen Wiig do the Kristen Wiig Shoulder Shruggy Dance with one of the barely-legal tricks from One Direction?

»

Joe Cocker Has Died

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Joe Cocker, the raspy voice of a several generations is now in heaven where the eagles fly and he’ll never have to hear the joke, “Cocker? I hardly know her!“ BBC News says that Joe died at his ranch in Crawford, Colorado. Joe reportedly died from lung cancer. He was 70.

During his 50+ year career, the British legend won a Grammy for “Up Where We Belong,” the duet he did with Jennifer Warnes for An Officer and a Gentlemen. The song also won an Oscar. Joe’s first hit was in 1968 when he covered the Beatles’ “With A Little Help My From Friends.” Us children of the 80s know that song as the Wonder Years theme song. He had several other hits including “You Are So Beautiful To Me” and the iconic stripper anthem “You Can Leave Your Hat On.” (Side note: I was once on a date at a bar when “You Can Leave Your Hat On” started playing and the dude I was with said to me, “Is this about safe sex?” It does sound like it’s about safe sex. That song was truly ahead of its time!)

In 2007, Joe Cocker was awarded the OBE from Buckingham Palace. His last album “Fire It Up” was released in 2012. Joe Cocker’s agent Barrie Marshall released this statement:

“He was without the doubt the greatest rock/soul voice ever to come out of Britain- and remained the same man throughout his life. Hugely talented, a true star, but a kind and humble man who loved to perform. Anyone who ever saw him live will never forget him.”

Joe is survived by his wife of 27 years, his brother, his step-daughter and his two grandchildren.

Rest in peace, Joe Cocker.

Tags:
SHARE

Putting The Banal In Balmain

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

So I guess Riccardo had pineapple for lunch,” said Kim Kartrashian to Kanye West after smelling his breath while taking that picture.

Speaking of Riccardo Tisci, he’s probably doing the open-mouth silent cry of pain while slowly sliding down a wall, because his boo Kanye West has cheated on Givenchy with that fashion home-wrecking slut whore tramp hussy skank Balmain. Balmain let it be known today that they’re targeting the overused ass dildo demographic by making Kimye the face of their Spring 2015 menswear campaign. They look about as alive as a dried dingle clinging to a used piece of toilet paper discarded in the stall trash can of a rest stop bathroom. So what I’m saying is that they look more alive than usual.

On a positive note, it was very brave of Kummy Kakes to give us a glimpse of a fame whore succubus ritual. In the picture above, Kim is showing us the moment when a Kartrashian unlocks her jaws and swallows her victim whole before spitting out his soulless carcass. Yeah, so that’s why that picture seems so familiar to Bruce Jenner.

There’s three more pictures after the cut if you’ve got enough strength in your eye-rolling muscle.

»

Madonna Has Been Living In A “State Of Terror” Since Her Album Leaked, According To Madonna

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Last week, several unfinished tracks from Madonna’s latest album were leaked onto the internet by someone or someones who just couldn’t wait ’till next year to hear the auto-tuned warbles of a perpetually-horny memaw. And according to Madonna, she’s been living in a “state of terror” ever since. Madonna tells The Guardian (in her best put-upon British accent, no doubt) that she doesn’t regret describing the leaking of her tracks as a form of terrorism and “artistic rape“, because those awful track-stealing tricks “violated” her when they released her new music without her permission:

“Obviously there is a person, or a group of people behind this that were essentially terrorising me. I don’t want to sound alarming, but certainly that’s how I felt. It’s one thing if someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that’s also a violation, but, your work, as an artist, that’s devastating.”

“I’m an artistic person, I’m very expressive. I’m sorry if words alarm people, but that’s what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say ‘hey, here’s my music, and it’s finished.’ It was theft.”

Madonna’s new album Rebel Heart wasn’t scheduled to be released until March, but since the hackers already ruined the surprise by leaking most of it, she went ahead and released six finished tracks to iTunes on Saturday, as well as the album art (seen above). Maybe that explains why she’s been living in a state of terror since the leaks; she was terrified her minions hadn’t finished Photoshopping the hell out of her face for the album art yet. “You fools! I barely look 29!

Pic: Instagram

Natalie Portman Says That Nobody Wanted To Work With Her After Star Wars

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

For their 10th annual “Reasons to love New York” issue, several famous types recently spoke to New York magazine about working with late director Mike Nichols, one of which was Natalie Portman. Natalie confessed that after she appeared as Padme Amidala in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, it almost killed her career because everyone thought she stunk up the screen with her crappy acting (which isn’t really fair, since everyone stunk up the screen in those awful, terrible movies) and that without the help of Mike Nichols – who directed her in the play The Seagull – there’s a good chance she might currently be starring in a direct-to-Redbox rip-off of Sharknado called Weather-Based Airborne Shark Attack.

Star Wars had come out around the time of Seagull, and everyone thought I was a horrible actress. I was in the biggest-grossing movie of the decade, and no director wanted to work with me. Mike wrote a letter to Anthony Minghella and said, “Put her in Cold Mountain, I vouch for her.” And then Anthony passed me on to Tom Tykwer, who passed me on to the Wachowskis. I worked with Milos Forman a few years later. He said, “Mike saved me. He wrote a letter so that I could get asylum in the U.S.” He did that for 50 people, and it doesn’t make any one of us feel less special.”

Part of me feels bad for Natalie Portman, because even Star Wars fans refuse to acknowledge the existence of the Star Wars prequels (I myself like to pretend it was all just a terrible CGI dream I had once), so it’s too bad that Hollywood wouldn’t do the same and forgive her for such a crappy mess. Maybe that’s why Mike Nichols was so eager to help – because he was a Star Wars fan, and he just felt so bad watching her act opposite a damp piece of driftwood (Hayden Christensen) and a rotten Twizzler (Jar Jar Binks). “It’s not her fault! If George Lucas backed a dump truck full of money into your driveway, you’d probably agree to it too!

SHARE

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >