Archives: December 2014

And Now For The Time Kim Kardashian Kommanded Pimp Mama Kris To Stop Dressing Like A Goth Pilgrim

December 20, 2014 / Posted by:

From what I’ve gleaned in the 0.03 seconds of Keeping Up With The Klassless Trashians that I’ve seen, it was my understanding that Pimp Mama Kris is the one who kalls all the shots in that family, like what you wear, how many times a year you get married, the best time to accidentally leak a sex tape. But recently, PMK’s most profitable ho Kim Kardashian pulled a gutsy move and sent her mother an email telling her to fix her shit, fashion-wise. Is that drowsy-looking hooker crazy? Rule no. 1: never come for the bitch who controls your checking account!

Pimp Mama Kris posted a screen-grab of the email to Instagram yesterday, and yes, Kim Kardashian writes exactly how you’d think that lazy trick would write. Terrible spelling, and not a capital letter or period in sight. I’m sure spambots read this email and were like “###damn KIMKARDASHIAN, even my aunt who makes $7,956/hr working fromhome selling #1 top quality enhancement pills uses proper sentence structure###“.

Kim Kardashian Email

Well, that was blunt – she didn’t even try to sugar-coat it. Or maybe her version of sugar-coating is deleting the words “LISTEN UP, U UGLY HAG” from the subject line. Either way, like Kim is in any position to give fashion advice. Hooker please, you sell clothes at Sears! Sure, PMK dresses like a real estate agent’s interpretation of Wednesday Addams, but that’s no worse than looking like an overstuffed sausage in heels, like some people. Kim, just because your current husband has the creative director of Givench as the #1 on his speed-dial doesn’t make you the honorary queen of fashion.

Speaking of over-stuffed sausages in heels, here’s Kim looking like a boiled weisswurst while visiting a laser clinic with a comically-assed Khloe Kardashian and cold bowl of soggy Special K Kendull Jenner yesterday.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Who Knew These Two Were Such Huge Designing Women Fans?

December 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Look at Robert Duvall’s crotchety old face behind them. I know it’s just a poster, but it looks like he’s about to bark: “Oh, knock it off, you two – movie premieres aren’t THAT much fun.

After many months – nine, to be exact – Kristen Bell has evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her womb, and now she and her husband Frito Pendejo Dax Shepard are the parents to their second baby girl. Kristen and Dax already have a 21-month-old daughter named Lincoln Bell Shepard, and I was hoping they might stick with the American History theme and this new baby would be called Washington or Liberty Bell or something. But they didn’t do that; instead, they did something MUCH better. Kristen announced the arrival of baby no. 2 on Twitter last night, and I’m going to take this as a sign that their favorite Designing Woman was Suzanne Sugarbaker:

Kristen Bell Tweet

Delta Bell Shepard! That’s only 3 letters off from being named Delta Burke, aka one of the most prolific and important fashion designers of our time. The only way that name could be better is if they changed Delta to Julia and legally changed the baby’s last name from Shepard to Sugarbaker.

Or maybe they chose Delta because they really love air travel, but American Airlines Shepard was just too awkward and United Shepard sounds like a weird cult. Or maybe it was an on-purpose mistake by a hospital nurse who couldn’t bear to see another baby named Elsa this year. “Elsa? Oh, hell no…change that S to a T, and throw a D in front. There. You’re welcome, baby.” I don’t know. Regardless, congratulations to them both!

Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Gobblestix!

Dlisted reader Andrew wrote me the other day and asked me if I’ve ever had something called Gobblestix. Gobblestix was a new one to me. Since my brain tissue is shaped like a peen, I immediately thought he was threatening me with a good time and made a note to add “Have you ever had a Gobblestix?” to my list of Grindr pick-up lines. But Andrew was talking about a processed turkey parts stick from the 90s called Gobblestix. I used my journalistic skills to find as much information about Gobblestix as possible (read: I did a 4 second Google search) and I couldn’t find much.

They were put out by the Jennie-O Turkey Store (who later merged with Whoremel) in the 90s and lasted a few years. They came in flavors like cheese, pizza and honey. I guess they were supposed to be the new string cheese, but that didn’t really happen. I’d like to think that I’m an 80s and 90s snack connoisseur, but I don’t remember these at all. Either Gobblestix never made their way to Southern California or I blocked that memory out.

But I’m glad I know about them now. Because the next time I’m eating an uncooked turkey dog and someone throws me a judgmental look of disgust, I can say, “Don’t look at me like that. It’s not a raw hot dog. It’s a Gobblestix! Educate yourself.”

Here’s the commercial which couldn’t be more 90s if it featured Clarissa Darling shooting Blossom with a Super Soaker.

Those burp sounds really sell it.

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Birthday Sluts

December 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Lara Stone (31)
Jillian Rose Reed (23)
JoJo (24)
Anoop Desai (28)
Jonah Hill (31)
Lucy Pinder (31)
David Cook (32)
Ashley Cole (34)
Todd Phillips (44)
Chris Robinson (48)
Michael Badalucco (60)
Uri Gellar (68)
Dick Wolf (68)
Peter Criss (69)

Pic: Taste The Style

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Night Crumbs

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

A White House reporter learned that us mere mortals aren’t allowed to take pictures of her royal Goopness. Dude should’ve just taken a picture of a dried out piece of celery on the crudité platter and said it was Goopy Paltrow. Nobody would have known the difference  - Lainey Gossip 

Tom Hiddleston’s got his jeans tucked in his cowboy boots, because he’s always ready for the panty pudding flood that forms wherever he’s around – Celebitchy

Even though she looks like she’s queefing with her eyes closed in most of these pictures, Nicki Minaj looks hot (and Photoshopped to infinity and beyond) in the new Roberto Cavalli campaign – Drunken Stepfather

Phaedra Parks will take her sons (and probably Bravo’s cameras) to prison to visit their daddy  - Reality Tea 

Conchia Wurst will grace Eurovision with her bearded glamour once again – Towleroad

Pedophile Stephen Collins doesn’t think he’s a pedophile. Um that piece of trash IS a pedophile and he’ll really know he’s one when Mama June calls him up for a date – The Superficial 

Somebody get Nicole Scherzinger’s au pair, because her diaper pants are full and need changing – Hollywood Tuna

MiserAlba looking miserable: Part 4,867,989 – Popoholic

Why, Amber Rose, why?!!! – Jezebel

Happy Shirtless (And Peen Print, see #3) Friday! – The Berry

David Fincher is trying to be the Shonda Rhimes of HBO – Pajiba

Orlando Bloom really wants to do low-budget elf porn, basically – SOW

The Queen Will Rise: A Liberace Hologram is going to go on tour – OMG Blog

What in Matrix reject HELL is RiRi wearing? – ICYDK

Girl, you don’t like my Susan Powter ‘do, do you?” – Evan Ross to a sour-faced Ashlee Simpson in that picture – Popsugar

Sarah Jessica Parker and HBO: together again (maybe) – Just Jared

The New Yorker hurt Laura Jeanne Poon’s feelings one time and yes, she has feelings, so she says – HuffPo

SS: Twitter

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Today In WTF: Ross Gellar Is Playing Robert Kardashian In Ryan Murphy’s OJ Miniseries

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

I guess the F in FX officially stands for “fuckery,” because Deadline says that David Schwimmer has been cast as Robert Kardashian in the American Horror Story spin-off series called American Crime Story, which will focus on a famous real-life crime each season. They’re doing the OJ Simpson trial for their first season, obviously. Cuba Gooding Jr. is playing OJ and Sarah Paulson is playing Marcia Clark. An OJ Simpson miniseries starring Ross from Friends and the “SHOW ME THE MOOONAY!” guy from Jerry Maguire is like something the 90s threw up. I hope this means that Kimmy Gibbler is playing Nicole Brown Simpson, Coolio is playing Johnnie Cochran, Gary Oldman as Dracula is playing Pimp Mama Kris, Kato Kaelin is playing Kato Kaelin and the morally corrupt Faye Resnick is playing the morally corrupt Faye Resnick.

Here’s the release about this messy shit from FX:

David Schwimmer is set to star in the project based on the book The Run of His Life: The People v. O.J. Simpson. The miniseries takes a look at the O.J. Simpson trial told from the perspective of the lawyers that explores the chaotic behind-the-scenes dealings and maneuvering on both sides of the court, and how a combination of prosecution confidence, defense wiliness, and the LAPD’s history with the city’s African-American community gave a jury what it needed: reasonable doubt. Schwimmer will play O.J. Simpson’s confidant and attorney Robert Kardashian, starring opposite Cuba Gooding Jr. as Simpson and Sarah Paulson as prosecutor Marcia Clark

I don’t think anybody has been asking for an OJ Simpson miniseries, but this has all the makings of a beautiful disaster, so I’m here for it. Since they cast Ross Gellar, they should also ask Marcel. Don’t even say that Marcel should play Khloe or Kris. Don’t do that to Marcel.

Open Post: Hosted By Bai Ling Gracing The Streets With Her Elegant Modesty

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above talking to Duchess Kate who is begging her to come to England to work as the royal family’s stylist since nobody does timeless sophistication like her, Bai Ling walked the ho stroll in Beverly Hills last night while re-defining the meaning of demure.

You can call off the search because your Christmas Day morning outfit has been found. This is the perfect ensemble to wear to pay homage to Jesus. All you need is the following:

1. The cheapest faux leather and fur jacket you can find in the clearance section at Forever 21. Don’t worry about getting one with buttons, because it’s not like you’re going to use them.

2. Instagram leggings. If you can’t find any, just print out your Instagram pictures and glue them to a pair of old pajama pants.

3. The red patent leather platform raver boots you wore when you were Ginger Spice for Halloween 15 years ago. If you don’t have a pair of red patent leather platform raver boots, just use red duct tape to tape two Jackie Collins paperback books to the bottom of your feets.

4. A pair of Tupperware titties. If you don’t have a pair of Tupperware titties, just use double-sided tape to tape two Tupperware bowls to your chest.

Put those four things together and VOILA! You have the perfect outfit that will take you from Christmas breakfast to church!

Pics: Wenn.com

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People Magazine Names Kate Upton Their Sexiest Woman Alive

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Because what the world really needs is another award show where famous types get their assholes sucked, the 1st annual People Magazine Awards happened in L.A. last night. I watched it for about 45 seconds last night, but I quickly changed the channel, because I can only handle so many award shows in one season and I’m saving myself for the much classier and relevant Weekly World News Awards.

During last night’s show, People named Kate Upton as their Sexiest Woman Alive. People is really getting creamy for blondes this year, I see. Kate Upton accepted her trophy while dressed up like a conservative dominatrix secretary. That shit’s not sexy at all! Where were her magnificent chichis? How is she going to accept an award for being the Sexiest Woman Alive while not dressed sexy at all? But in Kate’s defense, I’m sure she didn’t know she was going to win, because it’s not like her publicist “bought” that meaningless title with promises of future EXCLUSIVES. It took workers nearly 2 hours to peel Kate Upton’s face off of the ceiling. She screamed it off after she won that award. She was THAT surprised.

Poor Angelyne, Bai Ling, Charo, La Tigresa Del Oriente, Phoebe Price, Detective La Toya Jackson and Shauna Sand. They’re women, they’re alive (mostly, I think) and they produce a zillion times more natural sexiness than Kate Upton does. ROBBED doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And Jennifer Aniston won Movie Performance of the Year at the People Magazine Awards, so she’s pretty much a lock for that Best Actress Oscar. You know what they say, a People Magazine Award leads directly to OSCUH! Sorry, Julianne.

Pics: Wenn.com

And Here’s Jennifer Lopez Reminding Us That Jennifer Lopez Is Still Very Sexy

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Ah, the People Magazine Awards! What better place to oil up your titties and half-cover them in a beaded onesie. Yes, Jennifer Lopez is wearing a beaded onesie – don’t worry, I have many questions about that too. Just thinking about all that all-over beading is giving me flashbacks to my figure skating years (all 7 of which are deeply embarrassing), along with the feeling of prickly sequins scraping against bare skin and the taste of wet mittens and hairspray in my mouth. Thanks JLo.

I’m not sure I’m feeling whatever it is JLo is serving up here. Don’t get me wrong, JLo always looks hot, it’s just that there is a lot going on, and all of it is making me do Target Lady face. First off, what is going on with her shoulderpads? It looks like she’s got two extra-thick Cuchinis stuck in there. Second, why is she so Kardashian in the face? And my follow-up question to that is, why is her hairline 10 shades darker than the rest of her face? Finally, JLo needs to go easy on the body glitter. I had an old roommate who was obsessed with Urban Decay Sparkling Lickable Body Powder (bitch went through a box a week, I’m serious) and even she would be looking at JLo’s disco ball arms like “Too much.

But what about me?” cried JLo’s thirsty extensions. Aw, you’re ok. Any hair that looks like it was cut off an old Cut N’ Style Barbie doll is fine by me.

Here’s more of JLo looking like a sexy back-up dancer from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, as well as a bunch of other famous types at the People Magazine Awards, including The Hammaconda’s human handler Jon Hamm, Kate Hudson – who seems to think she’s at the Golden Globes, and the definition of a People Magazine Awards attendee Kaley Cuoco:

Pics: Splash

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