Before Hugh JackMeOff and his wife took their puppy friend Allegra Jackman for a walk in NYC, he put even more muscles on his arms at the gym, because he doesn’t have enough of those. Hugh is showing us what it would look like if that giant anaconda did swallow that Eaten Alive douche after all. If you take a few tokes of the good shit, squint your eyes and tilt your head a bit, Hugh’s upper arm will kind of look like a gigantic, veiny peen head. Somebody should tell Hugh that, because then he’ll know why John Travolta always licks and sucks on his upper arm when they hug while greeting each other. And my asshole is screaming in pain while thinking about Hugh fisting. I mean, it screams all the time anyway, but it’s really screaming now.
When Daniel Craig signed on to play James Bond, he signed on for five movies and he’s shooting his fourth one now, but that hasn’t stopped hos from talking about who should be the next James Bond. My first pick has always been Carrot Top, because the world is ready for a James Bond who is a ginger American and shares a face with Jackie Stallone. My next choice is serial panty cream-maker Idris Elba and many people including Sony co-chair Amy Pascal also think that the world needs to see him stirring a martini (with his peen, hopefully) as James Bond. But some think that Idris can’t be James Bond, a fictional character, solely because he’s black. Rush Limbaugh shat this out last week:
“James Bond is a total concept put together by Ian Fleming. He was white and Scottish. Period. That is who James Bond is, was. But now [they are] suggesting that the next James Bond should be Idris Elba, a black Briton, rather than a white from Scotland. But that’s not who James Bond is, and I know it’s racist to probably point this out.”
Sean Connery has been the only Scot to play James Bond, so the Oxi must have ate the part of Rush’s brain that remembered that Timothy Dalton (a Brit), George Lazenby (an Australian), Pierce Brosnan (an Irishdude) and many more non-Scots have been James Bond. Idris responded to the Bond rumors and to the hos who say he can’t play James Bond with that little tweet above.
And now I really want Idris Elba to be the next Bond, because he’d be a hot Bond and it would make Rush Limbaugh’s head pop off. When Oxi starts falling from the sky, you’ll know that Rush’s head blew off of his neck because Idris Elba got cast as the next James Bond.
And I mean “hearwarming” in the literal sense.
No holiday season is one hundred percent complete until you’ve: 1) drunkenly cried into an empty box of See’s nuts & chews after fighting with your family and; 2) heard a touching tale of friendship and fuckery from America’s greatest state Florida.
The Northwest Florida Daily News says that 54-year-old Lee Vern Cook spent his Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in jail after he was arrested for sneaking in a crack rock into the ICU department of North Okaloosa Medical Center in Crestview, FL. Sneaking a crack rock into the ICU department of a hospital is probably an hourly occurrence in Florida (shit, they probably prescribe crack rocks in the ICU there), so that’s not what makes this story full Florida. What makes this story full Florida is that the ICU patient Lee Vern Crock gave the crack rock to nearly burned down the department when he tried to smoke it.
In the afternoon time on December 24th, Lee Vern Cook visited an unnamed friend in the ICU and turned into Crackie Claus when he gave the friend a special Christmas present (read: a crack rock). The patient, who was on oxygen, tried to smoke it from a homemade crack pipe and something went terribly wrong. The patient’s bed sheets, gown and oxygen caught on fire. Luckily for the other patients, the fire was put out quickly. Lee Vern Cook’s friend suffered some burns so he had to be shuffled off to the burn unit.
When the cops arrived, Lee Vern Cook not only admitted to bringing in the crack, he also admitted to hiding a loaded gun in the bathroom. He hid it in there after the crack fire broke out because he didn’t want to get caught with it. He was arrested and charged with possession of a firearm in the commission of a felony, arson, five counts of possession of a controlled substance and one count of possession of drug paraphernalia. The Crestview Police Department said that the ICU was not evacuated and shit could’ve been a lot more serious:
“The potential was there for a lot of damage,” said Crestview Police Lt. Donald Fountain. “It could have been a lot worse.”
Two things: 1) Lee Vern Cook is a better friend than all of my friends, because they didn’t bring me shit on Christmas Eve, not even a crack rock and; 2) Somebody should put together a book of Florida Christmas stories. This one can start with: “Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ICU...”
Seen above fighting the urge to barf on Santa’s face and stab him with that Empire State Building statue, the Emo Betty Spaghetty doll known as Ariana Grande tells the Daily Star (via The Daily Mail) that she hates Santa Claus as much as she hates the right side of her mug. Even though the human version of an evil Yorkie puppy has a Christmas song out called “Santa Tell Me,” she says that when she thinks of Santa she feels the same thing you feel when you see her busting out her usual baby prostitute moves. She is repulsed.
“I’m repulsed by Santa. My song might sound cheerful but it’s really quite sardonic and depressing. I’m like saying, “Santa, what is your deal, bro?” I’ve had my heart broken multiple times around this time of year. I feel although it’s one of the most cheerful times of the year, I see tons of heartbreak and they make movies about it. It’s like a (Wham!) Last Christmas vibe.”
There’s always one of those “edgy” hipster toddlers on the pre-school playground who says they are so over Santa Claus.
Santa gives Ariana the voms yet she still uses his name to sell her stupid Christmas song? That shady baby bitch. But I have a feeling that something happened for Ariana to have such hate in her dark-sided heart for Santa. Either she ends up on the “asshole kids” list every year and Santa only leaves her a stocking full of shit or she not only looks like a diabolical elf, she is a diabolical elf and used to work in his workshop but was fired for being evil. I’m going with that one.
Here’s Santa’s #1 hater performing with Magica De Spell at one of those jingle balls things in Sunrise, FL on December 21st.
Insert obligatory “No, but I know he’d hit me with a 2X4 and never apologize to me for it” joke here.
Future LAPD Officer Marky Mark took a little break from his I’m A Do Gooder Now national tour to get in a little family photo-op action in Barbados with his wife Rhea Durham and their kids. Marky Mark is giving you pasty buff midget prison daddy bottom. These pictures have left my fuck parts in a state of confusion. If I stare at his troll daddy body, I get a slight case of the tingles, but as soon as my eyes scroll up and see that Marky Mark’s head is attached to that body the tingles turn into the heaves. Why does that head have to be attached to that body? Butthishead!
These pictures of Marky Mark being a devoted family man and wonderful husband smells like douche fumes and PR, but I am a little surprised that he didn’t go all the way. I’m surprised he didn’t spend his Christmas in Vietnam where photographers magically caught him giving presents to children and hugging the locals. He’s probably saving that move for the week before his pardon hearing.
And in many of the photo agency pictures from Marky Mark’s vacation, his wife is doing this:
Seriously, there’s picture after picture of her showing off her ass. Oh, and she’s also popping her butt out in the pictures too.
Whitney’s Yogurt, the most decadent and classiest yogurt of the 80s and 90s, if not of all-time!
Back in the 80s, when Joan Collins wasn’t luxuriating in a bubble bath while wearing diamonds and sipping the finest champagne out of a crystal flute, she was luxuriating on her pink satin bedspread while making important business calls on her vintage French phone in between nibbling on a silver spoonful of Whitney’s yogurt. Whitney’s yogurt was a yogurt for gourmet connoisseur who would only let the finest of foods touch their tongues. Whitney’s was the Vienetta of yogurts. It was THAT high class.
During the 80s and 90s when everyone was stuck on that non-fat this and non-fat that trend, Whitney’s stood alone in the yogurt section as a product of true rich decadence! Whitney’s (which wasn’t named after Whitney Houston or it would have come in flavors like Doody Bubble Berry and Crack Is Whack Cherry) was made with whole milk and it was supposedly really creamy. I never had it, because I never asked my mom to buy it. I thought it was yogurt for the rich the same way I thought Fancy Feast was cat food for the pussies of the rich.
Whitney’s went away some time in the 90s, because America just wasn’t ready for opulent yogurt that probably tasted like Robin Leach’s dick cream (aka like pure luxury).
The commercial for Whitney’s should’ve shown Zsa Zsa Gabor bathing in it, but instead it starred an actress that a YouTube commenter says is Jane Cameron who played Nancy in Another World:
I bet if you got a glimpse into the safe in Joan Collins’ bedroom closet, you’d find diamonds, love letters from kings, the majority shareholder’s agreements for all the companies she took over and the secret recipe for Whitney’s Yogurt.
Wilson Cruz (41)
Hayley Williams (26)
Pleasure P (30)
Alice Kim (30)
Emilie de Ravin (33)
Masi Oka (40)
Savannah Guthrie (43)
Bill Goldberg (48)
Eva LaRue (48)
Salman Khan (49)
Theresa Randle (50)
Joe Mantello (52)
Maryam D’Abo (54)
Tovah Feldshuh (62)
Terry Bozzio (64)
Gerard Depardieu (66)
Mick Jones (70)
Cokie Roberts (71)
John Amos (75)
Sir Patrick Stewart and his wife Sunny Ozell are back again with another video that was probably co-produced by the good shit. In this 37 second long video, Sir Patrick’s face does the slow humiliating descent to his palm as his hat’s dick dances around. Watching Sir Patrick’s face squirm like he’s getting his salad tossed for the first time and is having a hard time surrendering to the goodness is a Christmas gift, but this would’ve been at least thirty billion times better if he was naked and was wearing that wiggling hat over his crotch. I bet if his best brofriend forever Sir Ian McKellen was around at the time, he would’ve made that happen.
Speaking of Usher’s dick…
On Christmas morning, Justin Bieber, who is looking more and more like a meth pimple on Aaron Carter’s cheek, ran into his bodyguard’s bedroom, jumped on the bed and shrieked about how Santa came. Like all of the adults in the Biebs’ life, his bodyguard is contractually obligated to not tell him the truth about Santey Claus, because that would hurt that little shit head’s heart. Once he finished opening up all the presents his people bought with his money, he opened up a very special present: a key to his own private jet! That is so much better than the Disney Dusty Plane rider he got last year for Christmas.
Today, the oozing herp sore on humanity’s asshole farted up two pictures on Instagram of a private jet. Justin Bieber claims he bought that shit for Christmas:
“New jet for Christmas. And she’s beautiful.”
TMZ thinks that the Biebs’ new toy is a G6, which costs around $60 million. The Biebs’ net worth is supposedly $200 million. TMZ also thinks that he could’ve gone in on a part-ownership kind of deal and is sharing it with other rich hos.
Here’s another shot of the inside of Douche Air:
Anybody who watched the television masterpiece that was Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story knows how this story will probably end. We’ll see the picture of his opulent private jet again in ten years on an episode of Oprah’s Where Are They Now? when he points to it while talking about the glory days as he gives a tour of the Florida motel room he moved into after he wasted all his money away.
For years, “The Release Of Usher’s Fuck Tape” has been under “Lindsay Lohan’s Comeback” on the list of things we keep being told are going to happen and never happen.
Three years ago, it was reported that in 2010, Usher made the genius move of leaving $1 million worth of jewelry and two laptops in the trunk one of his cars. Someone broke into the trunk of his car and stole everything including a laptop which had a sex tape he made with his then wife Tameka Foster on it. Someone tried selling the tape right after it was stolen, but nobody wanted to buy it. Last month, TMZ said that someone once again tried to get money for the tape, but instead of going to the porn companies they went to the blogs. Usher’s lawyer Mark Geragos has been trying to track down the trick who’s been peddling the sex tape.
Well, two days ago on the night before Jesus’ born day, two grainy ass screen shots that were supposedly from the sex tape (NSFW) made their way onto the Internet. The saying “You are the company you keep” is so right because on Christmas Day my Twitter timeline was full of dick-crazed whores going on and on about Usher’s peen. The screen shots are so damn grainy and the lighting is so bad that it could be Nipsey Russell nibbling on a chorizo for all we know.
Usher hasn’t said anything about the leak yet.
It’s also kind of hard to tell if it really is Usher’s dick. I mean, is it really Usher’s dick if Justin Bieber’s ass isn’t wrapped around it? That is the question.
Pic: Men’s Health