Archives: December 2014

Open Post: Hosted By Marnie The Internet Famous Dog Going Christmas Shopping

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

And now here’s Marnie, the homeless Shih Tzu turned Instagram superstar with 784k followers, hobbling through Duane Reade while wearing a Santa Claus outfit. That 34 second long video is more entertaining and festive than the Grumpy Cat Christmas movie. But really, that scene seems way too familiar. That glazed lost look in her eyes…. That tongue hanging out… The heavy panting… The way she looks like she’s ready to collapse in the middle of the aisle and hold up a white flag… If she was snacking from a bag of Hot Fries she opened up before buying, she’d be me at Target yesterday.

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Amy Pascal Wants Idris Elba To Be The Next Bond

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

In “Something My Nipples And Sex Parts Really Want To Happen” news…

FINALLY, something feel goody (besides those saint-dragging emails, of course) has come out of this Sony Hacking ESCANDALO of 2014. Many of the hacked Sony e-mails were about the new James Bond movie and how thanks to its $300 million budget it might become the most expensive movie ever made. They barely started production on this one, but they’re already looking to future Bond movies. The Daily Beast says that in an e-mail from January, Sony co-chair Amy Pascal writes that she thinks Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Idris Elba should be the next James Bond when Daniel Craig’s contract is up. Daniel Craig is contracted for one more Bond movie after this Spectre shit.

An email sent on January 4, 2014, from Pascal to Elizabeth Cantillon, former executive vice president of production for Columbia Pictures, which distributes the Bond films, simply says, “Idris should be the next bond.”

Idris has said before that if he was offered Bond, he’d snatch it up fast.

If Idris Elba gets cast as James Bond, it’ll be the best move a studio has made since greenlighting Showgirls. Who cares if Idris Elba is 42 and will be close to kissing 50 by the time he’s James Bond, if he’s James Bond. Daniel Craig is 46 and will probably be a 50-something Bond himself. I’d watch Idris Elba as a 75-year-old James Bond and I’d still love seeing him catch the evil fucks while working a walker. But if Idris Elba plays James Bond, they’d have to change his agent code. He couldn’t be Agent 007. If those pictures he said weren’t of his dick really were of his dick, then he’d be Agent XX8andahalfmaybe9.

Since we’re on the subject of Bond dream casting, here’s my dream Bond girl Bai Ling giving you mystery and intrigue at some event in L.A. on  Thursday night.

Pics: Wenn.com

Sorry, Elton, But Lance Bass Had The Biggest Star-Studded Gay Wedding Of The Weekend

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

This weekend truly did belong to the gay wedding and the weekend isn’t over yet so I could get married to my Anderson Cooper cutout in the drive-thru driveway of an In-N-Out. Stay tuned.

Before Lance Bass married his piece of 3 years Michael Turchin at the Park Plaza Hotel in L.A. last night, he Instagrammed that picture along with the caption:

Today I marry the man of my dreams. He makes me smile; he makes my heart melt; he makes me….me.
#LanceLovesMichael

Judging by that picture, I think Lance meant to type: “Today Michael is lucky enough to marry the man of his and my dreams. I make him smile. I make me smile. I make his heart melt. I make my heart melt. #MichaelLovesLance #LanceLovesLance.” I mean, nothing says mutual love like a picture of Lance Bass loving himself in front of the camera while his man worships his chin and hangs onto him like some accessory. But seriously…

Elton John had David Beckham and Lulu at his wedding and that’s nice and everything, but Lance Bass’ wedding was a truly star-studded event! The Who’s Who of WHO? was there including JC Chasez, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lisa Vanderpump (who dragged her tortured fur accessory with her), Pimp Mama Kris, Gabourey Sidibe, AJ McClean, melting wax puppet Robin Antin, Martyn Lawrence Bullard from Million Dollar Decorators, Christina Applegate, Jason Collins and Jamie-Lynn Sigler who co-officiated the ceremony with JoAnna Garcia Swisher.

Justin Timberlake couldn’t make it, because: a) He probably thinks he’s too good for that shit and; b) He had to work. He’s on tour.

People says that guests were told to dress like they were “going to a royal wedding at the MET Ball.” I don’t really know what that means, but after looking at the pictures of what the guests were wearing I’m guessing it means look as messy and tacky as possible. The wedding was designed by planner Sharon Sacks who did Kim Kartrashian and Kris Humphries’ wedding and also did Kim Kartrashian and Kanye’s wedding.

Lance and Michael’s wedding was shot for an E! special titled Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding. It will air in February. Oh God, Lance, what are you doing?! He gets married in front of E!’s cameras, used Kim Kartrashian’s wedding planner and invited Pimp Mama Kris?! That’s one way for Lance Bass to guarantee that his marriage doesn’t last more than 72 days.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

But Did Eminem Officiate The Ceremony?

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

67-year-old Elton John and 52-year-old David Furnish have been together for 21 years, which is approximately 3,450 in gay relationship years. I guess they decided that they had a good run and it’s about time they totally fuck it by getting married, because the two became each other’s husband in England today.

Elton and David got into a civil partnership with each other in 2005 and 3 years later, his smug ass told USA Today that he doesn’t need to be married and that if gay people want marriage, that’s fine, but he’s perfectly okay with being in a civil partnership. Well, thinking about all the attention he can get from a wedding probably changed his mind. Right after same-sex marriage became legal in England in March, Elton and David started planning their lavish wedding. The Daily Mail says that Elton and David got married at their estate in Windsor, England this morning. They’ve been posting pictures of the ceremony and reception on Instagram using the cheesy hashtag #ShareTheLove. More like #ShareTheBARF.

The Daily Mail says that Elton and David’s wedding was stuffed full of famous bitches including David Beckham, Posh Beckham, David Walliams, Lara Stone, Elizabeth Hurley, Elizabeth Hurley’s ex-piece Hugh Grant, Lulu and Ed Sheeran. Elton and David’s two sons, 3-year-old Zachary and 23-month-old Elijah, were the ring bearers.

When I first saw the pictures of Elton’s wedding, I thought they were pictures of the wedding rehearsal. It’s so plain and non-opulent for Elton. That table setting looks like the way his table is set for casual breakfast on any given weekday morning. Where are the topless servers passing around crystal goblets full of vintage champagne and canary diamonds while dressed like cherubs? Where are the aerial silk artists who threw silver glitter at the guests from above during the ceremony? I don’t even think Elton wore a special wig. He just wore his regular everyday wig. How dreadful. If Elton John doesn’t get married while wearing a rhinestone-encrusted white silk jumpsuit and a Marie Antoinette wig, did he really get married at all? Please at least tell me that Elton’s main homegirl Rush Limbaugh was the flower girl.

So I Guess Lord Isadick Got To Name His Third Kid All By Himself

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The newest cast member of Krapping Up with the Kardashians and Pimp Mama Kris’ latest human ATM was pulled out of The Slow One’s body about a week ago and they just got around to burping up the poor child’s name. I’m guessing it took them so long to announce their son’s name because Pimp Mama Kris was busy trying to find a corporation who will pay top dollar for her grandson to be named after one of their brands. The CW came through, I see.

Kourtney Kardashian threw up this picture of her holding hands with her third kid on Instagram today. Those Kartrashians are getting better at Photoshop, because you can barely tell that they Photoshopped out the words “SAVE ME” that the littlest Kardashian wrote in baby drool on his fingers.

babyhandpicturekardashian

In the picture’s caption, she wrote what she and Scott Disick decided to name Penelope and Mason’s little brother:

Madly in love with my little Reign Aston Disick.

REIGN ASTON DISICK????? Just call him Baby RAD.

If you’re going to name your kid after a show on The CW, you should try to be a little more original and not name them after a show that Lil Kim named her kid after. Reign Aston Disick sounds like it came from the mind of Lord Disick and the mind of Lord Disick alone. It sounds like the name of the snobbiest character on Beverly Hills Teens. You know, I shouldn’t say that the name Reign Aston Disick is all Scott’s doing, because the name “Reign” could be a tribute to the Kardashian family motto, which is, “Make it rain all day, every day, hos!”

And if you cross your eyes while reading “Aston Disick,” it’ll look like “ass ton dicks.” Now that I think about it, I bet Kim came up with the name.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Kelloggs Apple Raisin Crisp cereal!

While thoroughly researching yesterday’s HSOTD (and by “thoroughly” I mean spending 3 minutes trolling through Google Images) I was hit with the soggy apple crisp memory of Apple Raisin Crisp cereal by Kellogg’s when my eyes landed on a picture of its box. I completely forgot about that deliciousness, but thankfully almost everything lives on in Google Images. Apple Raisin Crisp cereal came out in the mid-80s and my mom used to buy it for us, because she thought it was kind of healthy since it had the word “apple” in its title.

In case you couldn’t tell from the cross stitch look (which gives me shades of vintage Family Feud) of the box, Apple Raisin Crisp cereal was supposed to be something your grandma would make. It was your grandma in a bowl and I’m sure many children said, “It’s like I’m eating grandma,” after shoveling spoonfuls in their mouths. It was delicious, but it wasn’t anything my grandma would make. My abuelita never made shit like apple crisp. If Kellogg’s wanted to sell a cereal based on stuff my abuelita would make, they’d put out Menudo Crisp Cereal or Pupusa Loroco Surprise cereal. (Side note: If I were ever to do drag, Pupusa Loroco would be my drag name.)

Kellogg’s doesn’t make Apple Raisin Crisp cereal anymore, but you can recreate the deliciousness of it by adding chunks of stale apple pie to a bowl of Raisin Bran, which is what I’ll be doing on the morning of December 26th I’m sure.

Pic: InThe80s

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Birthday Sluts

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Samuel L. Jackson (66)
Jinger Duggar (21)
Tom Sturridge (29)
Steven Yeun (31)
Lukas Rossi (38)
Julie Delpy (45)
Khrystyne Haje (46)
Kiefer Sutherland (48)
Andy Dick (49)
Ray Romano (57)
Jane Kaczmarek (59)
Jeffrey Katzenberg (64)
Thierry Mugler (66)
Jane Fonda (77)
Phil Donahue (79)

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Open Post: Hosted By Martha Stewart’s “Gingerbread Abbey”

December 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I love gingerbread. So far this holiday season, I have eaten nearly 9 dozen gingerbread cookies. I am not proud of that, but it’s the truth. I have also made a two-storey gingerbread house, and I am counting down the days till I can smash it open and gnaw at the stale pieces like a hungry rat rooting through the trash. Again, I am not proud of that. So obviously Martha Stewart’s gingerbread version of Downton Abbey is doing things to me. I want to eat it all, and I don’t care how many gross hands have touched it. People says Martha’s Gingerbread Abbey took 2 hours to assemble and 34 hours to decorate. But I’m sure it only took 3 seconds to piss off Martha’s sworn enemy Gwyneth Paltrow, who no doubt ran into her kitchen, fired up her La Cornue Grand Palais 180 oven, and screamed at her assistants “I need 2 gallons of imported French molasses, 8 bags of organic hand-pressed rice flour, and the blueprints for Buckingham Palace RIGHT NOW!”

(via People)

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Hacker Group Anonymous Has Threatened To Reveal Secrets About Iggy Azalea Unless She Apologizes To Azealia Banks

December 20, 2014 / Posted by:

For those of you thinking “Which one is the Itchy?“, American-sounding Australian rapper Iggy Azalea is on the left, and crazy-pants “gremlin baby” (copyright: T.I.) Azealia Banks is on the right. And right now, the one on the left is sweating her phony accent off, because she might have to decide between a public apology to the crusty human canker sore in her life or the door of her closet being blasted open and all of her skeletons falling out.

In case you’re not caught up on your messy Twitter fights, the latest feud between Iggy Azalea and Azealia Banks started when Iggy took a couple swipes at Azealia on Twitter after she discovered that Azealia was once again talking shit about her during a recent radio interview. Not surprisingly, Azealia hissed back a bunch of crazy, and it just escalated from there. And now its gotten 10x messier, because the hacker group Anonymous has gotten themselves involved, and they’re Team Azealia Banks. According to Billboard, Anonymous started tweeting at Iggy Azalea last night, accusing her that she’s guilty of “misappropriating black culture, insulting peaceful protesters, and making light of Eric Garner’s death” and threatening that if she doesn’t release a statement apologizing to Azealia Banks and the protesters in NYC, they would release proof that an Iggy Azalea sex tape exists. Not the whole tape, mind you, but several screen grabs showing her face, and maybe one of two of her old ass (I’m just assuming; they didn’t actually say that last part).

So far, Iggy Azalea hasn’t said anything about Anonymous’ threats or an apology, so it sounds like she might be calling their bluff like you used to when you were a kid and your babysitter threatened to call your parents. “Yeah? Go ahead. Here, use the good phone – that other one cuts in and out.” And Azealia Banks hasn’t said anything, because she’s too busy getting into a Twitter fight with rapper Action Bronson.

I’m sure there is someone somewhere has a video of Iggy Azalea going to town on some dude’s didgeridoo, but does anyone really care that much? I feel like this is just Anonymous being jealous that the Sony hackers are getting so much attention. “Hey! Over here! We have stuff to leak too! Pay attention to us!

After Many Months Away, The King And Queen Of Courtside PDA Make Their Triumphant Return!

December 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Cue the Welcome Back, Kotter theme! For the past several months, there has been a noticeable lack of blatant PDA courtside at Lakers games, and it was all because the king and queen of the Kiss Cam, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, took a bit of a hiatus to have a baby. Baby Wyatt was born back in October, and I’m sure they would have loved to have gone to their second home (the Staples Center) at least once in the past couple months, but we all know those two don’t have a nanny who could watch their baby, so there’s no way they could have left the house. But last night, by some divine miracle, Jackie and Kelso managed to find a babysitter (Wilmer Valderrama, who had nothing better to do and could use the cash) and took in their first Lakers game since becoming parents.

And of course, their first order of business was to get their public smooch on, because it’s not a Lakers game unless Jackie and Kelso start sucking face. They also were sort of dressed alike from the waist-down, which I’m not feeling, because adults that dress like twinsies always give me the creeps. And for those of you looking at Ashton wearing a trucker hat and starting to panic, don’t worry – I just checked today’s date, and we didn’t actually go back in time to 2003.

Here’s more of Jackie and Kelso and Jackie’s boobs looking like acome-to-life Abercrombie ad at the Lakers game last night:

Pics: Splash

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