Archives: December 2014

Night Crumbs

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Happy Hump Day! Here’s Zac Efron giving you “power bottom in a 70s gay porn” hotness  while holding a puppy friend – Popsugar

Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy’s matching black outfits tell me that they went to breakfast after a funeral or the world’s most boring goth party – Lainey Gossip

Okay, Kylie Jenner, the fun is over, you can take off that plastic female masking mask off now – Celebitchy

Viola Davis is Amanda Waller in the Suicide Squad movie – Jezebel

But what I want to know is, how much does Giggy Vanderpump get paid to wear those humiliating ass outfits? – Reality Tea

Oh, don’t mind Parasite Hilton, she just vagina burped up a lump of Zovirax, that’s all – Drunken Stepfather

That sound that sort of sounds like the corpses of cows mooing in pain is from all that leather stretching around Khlozilla’s giant ass – Egotastic!

Kendull Jenner is in Vogue again because Pimp Mama Kris’ maker, Lucifer, wants you to know that he still has a contract with Anna WintourHollywood Tuna

What in the name of a chola parrot? – WWTDD

Yeah and that’s exactly what OctoMom said until her checking account flatlined – The Superficial

Erasure brings strangers together – Towleroad

Jennifer Lawrence’s outfit is having an identity crisis – Popoholic

These Santas can slide down my chimney anytime and they might get a plate of cookies (or crabs) out of it - The Berry

Jennifer Lawrence’s new dude is either a director named Gabe Polsky or pizza – ICYDK

Hollywood: 0 North Korea: 2 – HuffPo

Here’s Naomi Campbell getting ready to bury dead bodies while wearing lingerie, because that’s just what she does – OMG Blog

This mother of political party opposites is all of us – SOW

The Interview isn’t coming out EVER – Just Jared

Feminism: Jane the Virgin learns what it is on Twitter – Pajiba

Pic: Pacific Coast News

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Sony Officially Kills “The Interview”

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

After all of the major movie theater chains dropped The Interview like they were Britney circa 2006 and The Interview was SPF, Sony has decided that there’s no reason to release that bad decision to the 3 theaters in the country who will show it. They have scrapped all plans to release that mess on Christmas Day and learned the hard way that James Franco ruins EVERYTHING! Annie, however, is still opening on Friday as scheduled.

Here’s Sony’s full statement via Deadline:

In light of the decision by the majority of our exhibitors not to show the film The Interview, we have decided not to move forward with the planned December 25 theatrical release. We respect and understand our partners’ decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.

Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale — all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like. We are deeply saddened at this brazen effort to suppress the distribution of a movie, and in the process do damage to our company, our employees, and the American public. We stand by our filmmakers and their right to free expression and are extremely disappointed by this outcome.

Meanwhile, in the basement of her mansion, “computer noviceSt. Angie Jolie picked up the phone, dialed Universal and said, “Mission accomplished. The #1 spot at the box office is ours to lose now! Blelehehehehe!” Hackers was a documentary.

No, CNN reports that “law enforcement sources” tell them that the hackers are working for North Korea and the order came from the top. I swear, that Kim Jong-un trick is such an overdramatic spoiled baby bitch. He is King Joffrey on steroids. I can’t believe his ass lips would get twisted over some stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. If that made him have a hissy fit and threaten to nuke us, then I hope he never sees Team America. Can’t Dennis Rodman just whisper, “Baby, don’t be mad, call off your dogs for your honey,” into Kim Jong-un’s ear as they spoon?

Open Post: Hosted By Bruno Mars’ Gold Curlers

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Bruno Mars, the Puerto Rican Jewish Morris Day, is still trying to make wearing curlers in public happen.

The funky Hobbit works the “James Brown at the beauty shop” look in the video for Uptown Funk and while performing the song on the finale of The Voice with Mark Ronson last night, he once again got all Beauty School Dropout. Yes, your mother worked it better when she yelled at your brat ass in the booze section of the supermarket as she tried to find the perfect pink wine for the holiday party she hosted that night, but I am all for this look. Bruno really should’ve went all the way by wearing a gold housecoat with gold slippers and halfway through his performance he should’ve pulled off that gold slipper and waved it at the gold brats playing in his hard. This is pimp grandma glamour:

And hopefully for his next performance he really brings on the tingles by wearing these:

pinkrollersfoamglamour

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Alex Trebek Threatened To Quit After A Contestant’s Mom Asked Him To Re-Do The Ending Of A Jeopardy! Kids Episode

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Finally, the real juicy gossip from the Sony emails gets released! I was waiting for some tasty dirt on clean-cut game show types, like Ted Allen from Chopped or David Chilton from Dragon’s Den, but a story about Alex Trebek being a difficult bitch? Christmas has come early for Allison.

Radar says that one of the recent emails leaked by the Sony hackers (which I’m choosing to call Sackers) was a nasty one between Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek and some Sony executives. It all started during the taping of an episode of Jeopardy! Kids, aka the episodes that appeal to me the most because I’m able to answer at least 2/3 of the questions correctly. One of the contestants was still in the red by the time they reached Final Jeopardy, so she started crying and ran off stage. That’s when the contestant’s mother cornered a Jeopardy! producer and told them that her daughter isn’t a sore loser and she’s super upset she can’t finish the game and asked if they’d re-shoot it so that her daughter could have a second chance. So the producers asked Alex, he said “What is FUCK NO“, and went on to finish the episode without her.

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Madonna Didn’t Overreact To Her Demos Leaking. Nope, Not At All.

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Today is a good day for me, because I found out that I no longer have to smuggle Cuban cigars from Mexico in my asshole. (Actually, maybe that’s not such a good thing since that’s the only time I really get any action.) But Madge is not having a good day, because today she found out that she leaked all over the Internet.

Madge’s new album, which is supposedly title Unapologetic Bitch, isn’t scheduled to come out until next year, but this morning someone spread the tracks all over the Internet. When one of Madge’s unreleased (and possibly unfinished) songs “Rebel Heart” leaked into ears last month, she screamed some shit about how she had been violated as a human and artist. She Hulk’d out on Instagram. So when a bunch of tracks got dropped on the Internet today, I expected her veins to pop and her skin to turn green before she overturned cars and ripped out electrical lines. At first, Madge kept calm and told her fans that the leaked songs are unfinished demos that were stolen a long time ago and thanked them for not listening to the tracks. But I guess Madge realized that being calm and reasonable isn’t going to get her as much attention as possible, so she later freaked out on Instagram in a Kanye-style rant (sans ALL-CAPS) which she later deleted.

Madge pretty much thinks that Olivia Benson and the FBI need to get involved, because this is an act of rape and terrorism. Every government division needs to stop EVERYTHING they’re doing (examples: investigating real rape and investigating real terrorism) and devote all their time to finding out who leaked old demos that Madge isn’t putting on her album anyway. This is a priority!

calmdownmemawmadge

Madge’s current boy toy really needs to take a Valium so the next time she sucks his blood, she’ll chill the hell out. This seems to happen to Madge a lot. So either she needs to get a new STUNT QUEEN stunt to keep her name out there or she needs to strap an industrial-strength pair of Depends over her hard drive to stop the leaks.

Pic: Madonna Glam, Screen Shot: ONTD

St. Angie Has A Cyber Security Team To Make Sure The Child Army Doesn’t Look Up Anything Bad Online

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

I didn’t have access to a computer till I was 13-years-old, and the first thing I did when I got one was spend all day playing You Don’t Know Jack and lighting characters on fire in The Sims, so I have no idea what it’s like to be a curious kid on the internet. But it sounds like St. Angie’s is afraid her Lil’ Angels might be the curious types, because she tells People that the child army has a cyber security team who monitor their activity online. Even though Angelina is perfect in every way, she says she’s “old school” when it comes to technology, so she and Brad Pitt hired people to make sure nobody is searching “Drawing of boobs life-like” or “Make bomb using crayon wax how?“.

“It’s a scary new world,” the star says. “It’s so beyond what we understand. We wouldn’t even know what to look for.”

She also says she’s glad the kind of technology the child army has access to today wasn’t around when she was younger, saying “I got in enough trouble. It just would have been very documented.” Oh, like this?

St. Angie and Brad’s kids are still fairly young, so it makes sense to keep an eye on what they’re looking at online. The internet can be a scary place! Can you even imagine how traumatic it would be if one of them started snooping around unsupervised on the internet and found out that St. Angie is a minimally-talented spoiled brat instead of a delicate wisp of pure light sent from Heaven?

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She’s Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Drivers of L.A., you better put on your protective racing helmet and hang a rosary around your rearview mirror, because the streets are unsafe again!

Last night at LAX, a tired, leather orange bag carrying a Herpes (don’t make me fix that typo) purse made her way through after getting off of a flight from London. Recently, the hos of Southern California breathed out ten clouds of relief when Lindsay Lohan said that she’s never ever going to live in the land of Double Doubles, plastic faces and Angelyne again. But because it’s been much too long since the halls of the Chateau Marmont have been filled with the sound of LiLo’s crackie wails as she bangs on the door of some actor’s room, she’s back for a visit.

Well, it was fun while it lasted, L.A.,! But today, every baby isn’t going to hit the streets unless they’re riding in one of these, every drug dealer is moving to Miami for the rest of the month and every jewelry store is hanging bras on their front doors. We all know she doesn’t go near a bra.

And here’s LiLo declaring war on Christmas in day 17 of Love Magazine’s fame whore advent calendar video:

If there’s an asshole in your family (“Hmmm, I wonder who that could be?” – my family members) who only deserve a lump of coal in their stocking this year, save the coal and give them a printed screen shot of LiLo blowing a dirty air kiss instead.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Selena Gomez Filled The Dramatic Messy Friend Quota For Taylor Swift’s 25th Birthday Party

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Anyone who has ever turned 25 (or 15 or 30 or 96) knows that there’s going to be at least one melodramatic trick who gets all kinds of messy and turns your party into an episode of Intervention. Crying. Screaming. Hissing “YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME!!!” to no one in particular before storming out, then returning 4 minutes later with a bottle of wine asking “Who wants some wine? It’s wine time! Weeeew!” and acting like nothing happened. Well, according to UsWeekly, that person at Taylor Swift’s super sweet 25th birthday party last weekend was none other than toddler-faced chipmunk Selena Gomez.

An insider (either Meredith or the SVU cat) says that everyone was having a great time at Tay Tay’s party, until Selena started getting emotional and turning into THAT girl. Selena reportedly started crying and was heard shouting: “No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me!” According to the insider, the only response she got was from singer Sam Smith, who “just stared” at her. Probably because it’s all he could do to keep from grabbing her by the shoulders and screaming “GOOD GOD TODDLER, GET A GRIP!

I know that Selena is next-level dickmatized when it comes to that bottle blonde brat Justin Bieber, but this is getting ridiculous. Crying over that pint-sized douche in the privacy of your own home is one thing, but doing it in the middle of a birthday party full of famous people? And how especially rude of Selena to yank the attention away from the star of the party. No, I’m not talking about Tay Tay – I’m talking about her majesty Beyonce. “If Beyonce had known Beyonce was going to get upstaged by a sad chipmunk, Beyonce would have stayed home.

Pic: Instagram

One Of The Country’s Biggest Theater Chains Isn’t Showing “The Interview” On Christmas Day (UPDATE)

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

That puppy’s “double fuck this pussy pimple for dragging me into this disaster” look says it all.

UPDATE: The 5 biggest movie chains in the US will not show The Interview. AMC, Regal, Cinemark and Cineplex all joined Carmike in not showing that shit on Christmas Day. The hackers won and so did Meryl Streep, because everybody will drag their family to see Into the Woods instead.

After the hacker group who calls themselves the Guardians of Peace (Side note: I almost typed that “Guardians of Peen,” which sounds like the name of my kind of group) threatened to pull a 9/11-like attack on theaters showing The Interview, there was a rumor that Sony was thinking about moving that shit show’s release date from December 25th to sometime in February. But they might not have to make that decision, because one theater chain is fucking done with The Interview professionally and another chain is thinking of doing the same thing. Carmike isn’t taking any chances and last night they said that The Interview will not be shown on any of its 2,917 screens. Employees of the fancy theater chain Arclight have been telling people that they’re not going to show it either, but a rep tells Deadline that they haven’t made a decision yet. Sony said last night that they understand why chains don’t want anything to do with their newest train wreck and they’re leaving it up to them as to whether or not that mess sees the light of day on Jesus’ born day.

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