“Oh, this is so humiliating” thinks the cat on the left. “RELEASE ME AT ONCE!!!!!” hisses the cat on the right.
I didn’t think it was possible for Taylor Swift to get any more Taylor Swift-y than the custom-made pussy necklace she got for her 25th birthday, but it looks like the Butterscotch Prom Queen went and found a way. According to a picture she threw up on Instagram on Friday, Taylor Swift’s mom “won Christmas” by giving her two personalized pussy carriers for her cats, Doctor Meredith Grey and Detective Olivia Benson. Although I’m not sure why Tay Tay’s mom went with duffel bags; is she not aware that Tay Tay’s cats are precious lil’ cake pops who are used to riding around town perched on a rich human person’s arm while their fluffy butts rub up against the leather handle of a vintage handbag? Meredith and Olivia have certain standards that need to be met, you know.
And I’m sure while Tay Tay was turning into ERMAHGERD Girl over the sight of her new cat carriers, Meredith and Olivia were equally excited about their new presents. “Meredith, look! Something new to poop in!”
According to UsWeekly, Alicia Keys and her husband Swizz Beatz (a man whose name will always make me think of Planters Cheez Balls) became the parents of their second kid yesterday when she pushed out a baby boy. Alicia and Swizz announced the arrival of their new baby and little brother of 4-year-old Egypt by throwing up what looks like a birth certificate from Buttons the Clown Memorial Hospital on Instagram earlier today:
So Alicia and Swizz Cheese’s new baby is named Genesis Ali Dean. I’m just going to go ahead and assume they chose those names because they’re huge fans of both Sega Genesis and Ali Larter. Then again, their kids are Egypt and Genesis, so it’s probably because they’re really into The Bible or something. Either way, I’m sure Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel are thrilled. Congrats, Baby Genesis! I think you just earned free tickets to every Genesis reunion tour for the rest of your life!
Alternate title: “Vito Schnabel Took His Reality TV Cougar Girlfriend To St. Barts”. Alternate alternate title: “Two Rich Assholes Went To A Fancy French Island.” And yes, I’m only calling them assholes because I’m a jealous hater who is just jealous that I’m not spending my holiday week topless on a fancy French island like Heidi Klum and her 28-year-old art dealer boyfriend. Instead I’m freezing my ass off – not topless – and eating what’s left of a tin of stale gingerbread cookies. Life – she truly is not fair.
Heidi took the dude she’s fucking to St. Barts after Christmas, just like every other rich and/or famous ho on the planet, and I’m sure they’re having a rip-roaring good time. At the very least, they seem comfortable around each other; Heidi went topless and let her ass hang out. Usually when you’re still testing the waters, it’s either one or the other, but both? That’s a special moment for a couple. Before you know it, Heidi will be ripping hot farts on Vito and asking him to hold the mirror while she checks under her butt flaps for tan lines.
Here’s more of Heidi and Vito on a beach in St. Barts, including several NSFW pics of Heidi’s 41-year-old titty pops and her deflated bum, and a couple NSFGR (not safe for gag reflexes) pictures of Vito’s sunburnt turkey jerky torso:
In case you didn’t get everything you wanted this holiday season, here’s a tasteful black and white portrait of a Henry Spencer-looking Miley Cyrus flashing her backwoods nipple bitz. It’s my gift to you; don’t say I never get you nothin’ nice.
But why is Miley topless this time? Well, a quick peek at her Instagram shows that it looks like she just discovered the Free The Nipple movement. I know – brace yourself, many more pictures of Miley’s nipples are coming. Miley posted the above picture yesterday, but it appears that it was yanked down by the pearl-clutching prudes of Instagram. That, or Miley yanked it down herself because she realized it was far too classy lookin’. After all – is it really a topless picture of a horny swamp otter if her tongue isn’t hanging out or her ass isn’t rubbing against a giant inflatable cartoon penis?
Because some of you may still have a sensitive stomach from running a 3-day train on several meat and cheese trays over the holidays, I’ve hidden Miley’s uncensored nipple pic after the cut.
Seen above during one of her weekly virgin blood-flavored fluoride tray treatments, perpetually horny singing memaw Madonna is still pissed that the tracks from her upcoming album Rebel Heart keep leaking onto the internet. And this time she’s double pissed, because she hates that people think the most recently leaked track, “Two Steps Behind”, sounds an awful lot like she’s dragging Lady Gaga. Even though it was rumored way back in August that “Two Steps Behind” is a not-so-subtle swipe at her unauthorized low-budget impersonator, and the fact that the lyrics sound like something the runner-up in a Miss Teen Talent pageant would find scrawled on her dressing room mirror, Madonna wants you to know IT’S NOT ABOUT GAGA!
According to Billboard, Madonna’s manager Guy Oseary decided to do a Q&A on Twitter yesterday, and naturally one of the question asked was whether or not “Two Steps Behind” was about Gaga. Guy was adamant that it was NOT about Gaga (or anyone in particular). Shortly after, Madonna followed up Guy’s answer with her own on Instagram, where she hissed at all the troublemaking gossips trying to start shit between Madonna and Madonna Jr.
You might still be able to listen to “Two Steps Behind” in some small secret corners of the internet, but as of right now, Madonna’s maybe/maybe not love letter to Gaga is getting yanked from all the obvious places. But if you really, REALLY want to know what it sounds like, throw on Regina George’s monologue about Janis Ian and set it to a digital pop beat – I’m sure it’s pretty close to the real thing.
And for those of you thinking “Well, at least Lady Gaga had the good sense to not get involved in this mess“, sorry – but Lady Gaga decided to get involved in this mess. Sort of. Shortly after “Two Steps Behind” leaked, Gaga posted an Instagram selfie with the caption: “Careful witch, I’ll put a spell on you. Or maybe I already did.” Hopefully it wasn’t the same spell she cast on herself before the release of ARTPOP, or Madonna’s really in trouble!
Lina Santiago, the L.A. freestyle chanteuse of 1996!
The perfect way for you to burn off all that HoneyBaked ham, spiced rum and boxes upon boxes of chocolate (yes, I’m talking to myself) is to put on your black latex crop top and twirl and sway to the 1996 freestyle hit “Feels So Good (Show Me Your Love).” “Feels So Good” went to #35 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1996 when Lina was 17. It was her first and only hit. Wikipedia says that Lina was in a girl group when she was a teenager, but when she won a karaoke contest at Acapulco, a Mexican restaurant chain, in Downey, CA, she decided to go solo. Fuck American Idol, The Voice and all those other singing contests. The true singing stars are found on karaoke night at Acapulco in Downey.
After “Feels So Good” became a semi-hit, her label Universal made her release an album of pop ballads and it didn’t take people up, up and away like her single did. It kind of flopped and those bitches at Universal dropped her before her second album was released. Wiki says that she’s now married, has one kid and works in real estate in San Diego.
I hope that while Lina is showing her clients a house, they stop complaining about how the kitchen doesn’t have granite countertops for a minute to bow down and pay homage to the chanteuse who set the all-ages clubs on fire with this:
Skinny brows, a black latex suit with a white turtleneck and curling iron bangs covered in a AquaNet mist are as timeless and classic as this song.
Noomi Rapace (35)
David Archuleta (24)
Mackenzie Rosman (25)
Thomas Dekker (27)
Sienna Miller (33)
Vanessa Ferlito (34)
John Legend (36)
Joe Manganiello (38)
Seth Meyers (41)
Malcolm Gets (50)
Denzel Washington (60)
Gayle King (60)
Don Francisco (74)
Dame Maggie Smith (80)
Nichelle Nichols (82)
Stan Lee (92)
Pic: Viktor Flume
Before Hugh JackMeOff and his wife took their puppy friend Allegra Jackman for a walk in NYC, he put even more muscles on his arms at the gym, because he doesn’t have enough of those. Hugh is showing us what it would look like if that giant anaconda did swallow that Eaten Alive douche after all. If you take a few tokes of the good shit, squint your eyes and tilt your head a bit, Hugh’s upper arm will kind of look like a gigantic, veiny peen head. Somebody should tell Hugh that, because then he’ll know why John Travolta always licks and sucks on his upper arm when they hug while greeting each other. And my asshole is screaming in pain while thinking about Hugh fisting. I mean, it screams all the time anyway, but it’s really screaming now.
When Daniel Craig signed on to play James Bond, he signed on for five movies and he’s shooting his fourth one now, but that hasn’t stopped hos from talking about who should be the next James Bond. My first pick has always been Carrot Top, because the world is ready for a James Bond who is a ginger American and shares a face with Jackie Stallone. My next choice is serial panty cream-maker Idris Elba and many people including Sony co-chair Amy Pascal also think that the world needs to see him stirring a martini (with his peen, hopefully) as James Bond. But some think that Idris can’t be James Bond, a fictional character, solely because he’s black. Rush Limbaugh shat this out last week:
“James Bond is a total concept put together by Ian Fleming. He was white and Scottish. Period. That is who James Bond is, was. But now [they are] suggesting that the next James Bond should be Idris Elba, a black Briton, rather than a white from Scotland. But that’s not who James Bond is, and I know it’s racist to probably point this out.”
Sean Connery has been the only Scot to play James Bond, so the Oxi must have ate the part of Rush’s brain that remembered that Timothy Dalton (a Brit), George Lazenby (an Australian), Pierce Brosnan (an Irishdude) and many more non-Scots have been James Bond. Idris responded to the Bond rumors and to the hos who say he can’t play James Bond with that little tweet above.
And now I really want Idris Elba to be the next Bond, because he’d be a hot Bond and it would make Rush Limbaugh’s head pop off. When Oxi starts falling from the sky, you’ll know that Rush’s head blew off of his neck because Idris Elba got cast as the next James Bond.
And I mean “hearwarming” in the literal sense.
No holiday season is one hundred percent complete until you’ve: 1) drunkenly cried into an empty box of See’s nuts & chews after fighting with your family and; 2) heard a touching tale of friendship and fuckery from America’s greatest state Florida.
The Northwest Florida Daily News says that 54-year-old Lee Vern Cook spent his Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in jail after he was arrested for sneaking in a crack rock into the ICU department of North Okaloosa Medical Center in Crestview, FL. Sneaking a crack rock into the ICU department of a hospital is probably an hourly occurrence in Florida (shit, they probably prescribe crack rocks in the ICU there), so that’s not what makes this story full Florida. What makes this story full Florida is that the ICU patient Lee Vern Crock gave the crack rock to nearly burned down the department when he tried to smoke it.
In the afternoon time on December 24th, Lee Vern Cook visited an unnamed friend in the ICU and turned into Crackie Claus when he gave the friend a special Christmas present (read: a crack rock). The patient, who was on oxygen, tried to smoke it from a homemade crack pipe and something went terribly wrong. The patient’s bed sheets, gown and oxygen caught on fire. Luckily for the other patients, the fire was put out quickly. Lee Vern Cook’s friend suffered some burns so he had to be shuffled off to the burn unit.
When the cops arrived, Lee Vern Cook not only admitted to bringing in the crack, he also admitted to hiding a loaded gun in the bathroom. He hid it in there after the crack fire broke out because he didn’t want to get caught with it. He was arrested and charged with possession of a firearm in the commission of a felony, arson, five counts of possession of a controlled substance and one count of possession of drug paraphernalia. The Crestview Police Department said that the ICU was not evacuated and shit could’ve been a lot more serious:
“The potential was there for a lot of damage,” said Crestview Police Lt. Donald Fountain. “It could have been a lot worse.”
Two things: 1) Lee Vern Cook is a better friend than all of my friends, because they didn’t bring me shit on Christmas Eve, not even a crack rock and; 2) Somebody should put together a book of Florida Christmas stories. This one can start with: “Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ICU...”