Archives: December 2014

Putting The Banal In Balmain

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

So I guess Riccardo had pineapple for lunch,” said Kim Kartrashian to Kanye West after smelling his breath while taking that picture.

Speaking of Riccardo Tisci, he’s probably doing the open-mouth silent cry of pain while slowly sliding down a wall, because his boo Kanye West has cheated on Givenchy with that fashion home-wrecking slut whore tramp hussy skank Balmain. Balmain let it be known today that they’re targeting the overused ass dildo demographic by making Kimye the face of their Spring 2015 menswear campaign. They look about as alive as a dried dingle clinging to a used piece of toilet paper discarded in the stall trash can of a rest stop bathroom. So what I’m saying is that they look more alive than usual.

On a positive note, it was very brave of Kummy Kakes to give us a glimpse of a fame whore succubus ritual. In the picture above, Kim is showing us the moment when a Kartrashian unlocks her jaws and swallows her victim whole before spitting out his soulless carcass. Yeah, so that’s why that picture seems so familiar to Bruce Jenner.

There’s three more pictures after the cut if you’ve got enough strength in your eye-rolling muscle.

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Madonna Has Been Living In A “State Of Terror” Since Her Album Leaked, According To Madonna

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Last week, several unfinished tracks from Madonna’s latest album were leaked onto the internet by someone or someones who just couldn’t wait ’till next year to hear the auto-tuned warbles of a perpetually-horny memaw. And according to Madonna, she’s been living in a “state of terror” ever since. Madonna tells The Guardian (in her best put-upon British accent, no doubt) that she doesn’t regret describing the leaking of her tracks as a form of terrorism and “artistic rape“, because those awful track-stealing tricks “violated” her when they released her new music without her permission:

“Obviously there is a person, or a group of people behind this that were essentially terrorising me. I don’t want to sound alarming, but certainly that’s how I felt. It’s one thing if someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that’s also a violation, but, your work, as an artist, that’s devastating.”

“I’m an artistic person, I’m very expressive. I’m sorry if words alarm people, but that’s what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say ‘hey, here’s my music, and it’s finished.’ It was theft.”

Madonna’s new album Rebel Heart wasn’t scheduled to be released until March, but since the hackers already ruined the surprise by leaking most of it, she went ahead and released six finished tracks to iTunes on Saturday, as well as the album art (seen above). Maybe that explains why she’s been living in a state of terror since the leaks; she was terrified her minions hadn’t finished Photoshopping the hell out of her face for the album art yet. “You fools! I barely look 29!

Pic: Instagram

Natalie Portman Says That Nobody Wanted To Work With Her After Star Wars

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

For their 10th annual “Reasons to love New York” issue, several famous types recently spoke to New York magazine about working with late director Mike Nichols, one of which was Natalie Portman. Natalie confessed that after she appeared as Padme Amidala in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, it almost killed her career because everyone thought she stunk up the screen with her crappy acting (which isn’t really fair, since everyone stunk up the screen in those awful, terrible movies) and that without the help of Mike Nichols – who directed her in the play The Seagull – there’s a good chance she might currently be starring in a direct-to-Redbox rip-off of Sharknado called Weather-Based Airborne Shark Attack.

Star Wars had come out around the time of Seagull, and everyone thought I was a horrible actress. I was in the biggest-grossing movie of the decade, and no director wanted to work with me. Mike wrote a letter to Anthony Minghella and said, “Put her in Cold Mountain, I vouch for her.” And then Anthony passed me on to Tom Tykwer, who passed me on to the Wachowskis. I worked with Milos Forman a few years later. He said, “Mike saved me. He wrote a letter so that I could get asylum in the U.S.” He did that for 50 people, and it doesn’t make any one of us feel less special.”

Part of me feels bad for Natalie Portman, because even Star Wars fans refuse to acknowledge the existence of the Star Wars prequels (I myself like to pretend it was all just a terrible CGI dream I had once), so it’s too bad that Hollywood wouldn’t do the same and forgive her for such a crappy mess. Maybe that’s why Mike Nichols was so eager to help – because he was a Star Wars fan, and he just felt so bad watching her act opposite a damp piece of driftwood (Hayden Christensen) and a rotten Twizzler (Jar Jar Binks). “It’s not her fault! If George Lucas backed a dump truck full of money into your driveway, you’d probably agree to it too!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Alex, Benjy the Gay Bull’s possible new boyfriend!

Former HSOTD Benjy the Gay Bull was saved from the slaughterhouse last month after animal activists and Sam Simon, the co-creator of The Simpsons, bought him from the farmer who was going to turn him into food after he wouldn’t bareback bone lady cows. Benjy was more interested in getting sexy with the bulls. Since the farmer in Mayo County, Ireland bought him to breed, he had no use for him so he was headed to heaven before he was saved by Sam Simon. Benjy was sent to live at the Hillside Animal Sanctuary in Northfolk, England where he can be free and gay.

BBC News says that the Hillside Animal Sanctuary is turning out to be the gay bull wonderland Benjy hoped it would be. Within minutes of his hooves touching the ground at Hillside, his eyeballs filled with hearts when he first saw a young piece named Alex. A rep for the sanctuary says that Benjy and 1-year-old Alex have become fast friends. Who knew that Benjy’s a twink-loving bull daddy?

The rep went on to say that she doesn’t know if he’s really gay (Shut up, rep, you don’t know what you’re talking about!), but that he’s loving life with his new bovine friends.

“We don’t know whether or not Benjy is really ‘gay’ but the fact that somebody thought he was, has certainly saved his life! We were so pleased to give him a home for life at the Sanctuary.”

If Benjy and Alex want to consummate their love, they better get it in quick, because Benjy’s scheduled to get his balls chopped off real soon. The sanctuary castrates all bulls to reduce testosterone levels.

Oh Benjy, shouldn’t let that bother him. Fucking is overrated (Side whisper: I don’t mean that AT ALL, I’m just trying to make Benjy feel better) and they can still lick each other’s no-nut spots. Besides, many relationships eventually enter that phase where non-stop hot fucking is replaced with sharing a tub of Edy’s ice cream on the sofa while watching a Tiny House Hunters marathon. Benjy and Alex are getting to that phase a little quicker than usual, that’s all.

Here’s to Benjy and his new bovinefriend Alex!

benjysmanhsotd2

That picture has more love and passion in it than Lance Bass’ wedding announcement picture.

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Birthday Sluts

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Diane Sawyer (69)
Ali Lohan (21)
Meghan Trainor (21)
Jordin Sparks (25)
Jennifer Hawkins (31)
Chris Carmack (34)
Mia Tyler (36)
Heather Donahue (40)
Vanessa Paradis (42)
Dina Meyer (46)
Ralph Fiennes (52)
Luther Campbell (54)
Bern Nadette Stanis (61)
Hector Elizondo (78)

Pic: AP

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Open Post: Hosted By Marnie The Internet Famous Dog Going Christmas Shopping

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

And now here’s Marnie, the homeless Shih Tzu turned Instagram superstar with 784k followers, hobbling through Duane Reade while wearing a Santa Claus outfit. That 34 second long video is more entertaining and festive than the Grumpy Cat Christmas movie. But really, that scene seems way too familiar. That glazed lost look in her eyes…. That tongue hanging out… The heavy panting… The way she looks like she’s ready to collapse in the middle of the aisle and hold up a white flag… If she was snacking from a bag of Hot Fries she opened up before buying, she’d be me at Target yesterday.

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Amy Pascal Wants Idris Elba To Be The Next Bond

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

In “Something My Nipples And Sex Parts Really Want To Happen” news…

FINALLY, something feel goody (besides those saint-dragging emails, of course) has come out of this Sony Hacking ESCANDALO of 2014. Many of the hacked Sony e-mails were about the new James Bond movie and how thanks to its $300 million budget it might become the most expensive movie ever made. They barely started production on this one, but they’re already looking to future Bond movies. The Daily Beast says that in an e-mail from January, Sony co-chair Amy Pascal writes that she thinks Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Idris Elba should be the next James Bond when Daniel Craig’s contract is up. Daniel Craig is contracted for one more Bond movie after this Spectre shit.

An email sent on January 4, 2014, from Pascal to Elizabeth Cantillon, former executive vice president of production for Columbia Pictures, which distributes the Bond films, simply says, “Idris should be the next bond.”

Idris has said before that if he was offered Bond, he’d snatch it up fast.

If Idris Elba gets cast as James Bond, it’ll be the best move a studio has made since greenlighting Showgirls. Who cares if Idris Elba is 42 and will be close to kissing 50 by the time he’s James Bond, if he’s James Bond. Daniel Craig is 46 and will probably be a 50-something Bond himself. I’d watch Idris Elba as a 75-year-old James Bond and I’d still love seeing him catch the evil fucks while working a walker. But if Idris Elba plays James Bond, they’d have to change his agent code. He couldn’t be Agent 007. If those pictures he said weren’t of his dick really were of his dick, then he’d be Agent XX8andahalfmaybe9.

Since we’re on the subject of Bond dream casting, here’s my dream Bond girl Bai Ling giving you mystery and intrigue at some event in L.A. on  Thursday night.

Pics: Wenn.com

Sorry, Elton, But Lance Bass Had The Biggest Star-Studded Gay Wedding Of The Weekend

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

This weekend truly did belong to the gay wedding and the weekend isn’t over yet so I could get married to my Anderson Cooper cutout in the drive-thru driveway of an In-N-Out. Stay tuned.

Before Lance Bass married his piece of 3 years Michael Turchin at the Park Plaza Hotel in L.A. last night, he Instagrammed that picture along with the caption:

Today I marry the man of my dreams. He makes me smile; he makes my heart melt; he makes me….me.
#LanceLovesMichael

Judging by that picture, I think Lance meant to type: “Today Michael is lucky enough to marry the man of his and my dreams. I make him smile. I make me smile. I make his heart melt. I make my heart melt. #MichaelLovesLance #LanceLovesLance.” I mean, nothing says mutual love like a picture of Lance Bass loving himself in front of the camera while his man worships his chin and hangs onto him like some accessory. But seriously…

Elton John had David Beckham and Lulu at his wedding and that’s nice and everything, but Lance Bass’ wedding was a truly star-studded event! The Who’s Who of WHO? was there including JC Chasez, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lisa Vanderpump (who dragged her tortured fur accessory with her), Pimp Mama Kris, Gabourey Sidibe, AJ McClean, melting wax puppet Robin Antin, Martyn Lawrence Bullard from Million Dollar Decorators, Christina Applegate, Jason Collins and Jamie-Lynn Sigler who co-officiated the ceremony with JoAnna Garcia Swisher.

Justin Timberlake couldn’t make it, because: a) He probably thinks he’s too good for that shit and; b) He had to work. He’s on tour.

People says that guests were told to dress like they were “going to a royal wedding at the MET Ball.” I don’t really know what that means, but after looking at the pictures of what the guests were wearing I’m guessing it means look as messy and tacky as possible. The wedding was designed by planner Sharon Sacks who did Kim Kartrashian and Kris Humphries’ wedding and also did Kim Kartrashian and Kanye’s wedding.

Lance and Michael’s wedding was shot for an E! special titled Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding. It will air in February. Oh God, Lance, what are you doing?! He gets married in front of E!’s cameras, used Kim Kartrashian’s wedding planner and invited Pimp Mama Kris?! That’s one way for Lance Bass to guarantee that his marriage doesn’t last more than 72 days.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

But Did Eminem Officiate The Ceremony?

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

67-year-old Elton John and 52-year-old David Furnish have been together for 21 years, which is approximately 3,450 in gay relationship years. I guess they decided that they had a good run and it’s about time they totally fuck it by getting married, because the two became each other’s husband in England today.

Elton and David got into a civil partnership with each other in 2005 and 3 years later, his smug ass told USA Today that he doesn’t need to be married and that if gay people want marriage, that’s fine, but he’s perfectly okay with being in a civil partnership. Well, thinking about all the attention he can get from a wedding probably changed his mind. Right after same-sex marriage became legal in England in March, Elton and David started planning their lavish wedding. The Daily Mail says that Elton and David got married at their estate in Windsor, England this morning. They’ve been posting pictures of the ceremony and reception on Instagram using the cheesy hashtag #ShareTheLove. More like #ShareTheBARF.

The Daily Mail says that Elton and David’s wedding was stuffed full of famous bitches including David Beckham, Posh Beckham, David Walliams, Lara Stone, Elizabeth Hurley, Elizabeth Hurley’s ex-piece Hugh Grant, Lulu and Ed Sheeran. Elton and David’s two sons, 3-year-old Zachary and 23-month-old Elijah, were the ring bearers.

When I first saw the pictures of Elton’s wedding, I thought they were pictures of the wedding rehearsal. It’s so plain and non-opulent for Elton. That table setting looks like the way his table is set for casual breakfast on any given weekday morning. Where are the topless servers passing around crystal goblets full of vintage champagne and canary diamonds while dressed like cherubs? Where are the aerial silk artists who threw silver glitter at the guests from above during the ceremony? I don’t even think Elton wore a special wig. He just wore his regular everyday wig. How dreadful. If Elton John doesn’t get married while wearing a rhinestone-encrusted white silk jumpsuit and a Marie Antoinette wig, did he really get married at all? Please at least tell me that Elton’s main homegirl Rush Limbaugh was the flower girl.

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