Oh, I know that face. I know that face very well. That’s cake hangry face, and I usually get it when I want cake and discover there is no cake. Like yesterday, when I ate half a chocolate cake (I wish I was kidding about this next part) for breakfast, then around 2:30pm I went back for more cake and realized I’d eaten it all. Then when I realized I’d have to eat a bag of baby carrots instead, I made that face. So, yeah, Jennifer Aniston, I get it. It’s the reverse of what you’re talking about, but I get it.
UsWeekly says that Jennifer Aniston was recently on The Dr. Oz Show (side note: I know you got a movie to pimp out, but what’s next – appearing as a guest bailiff on Judge Joe Brown?) to talk about her transformation from beautiful Jennifer Aniston to frumpy Jennifer Aniston for the movie Cake. Jennifer confessed to that dreamy MD-ILF Dr. Oz that she stopped working out in preparation for her role. Unfortunately, it wasn’t all happy naps on the couch and cozy oversized muumuus like you’d imagine quitting the gym would be:
“It’s interesting when you stop exercising. It really was interesting how my serotonin levels went down. My stamina was shot. I was cranky. I was irritable. I’m usually really not any of those things. I found myself short. I was hungry like crazy.”
Are we sure she’s not actually talking about quitting booze? Because that sounds like what happens when you quit booze. You get all cranky and everything bothers you. Why is this water so clear? Who turned up the volume on the ceiling fan? Why is this keyboard such a jerk?
But enough about Jenny talking about being miserable after she broke up with her elliptical machine; what I really want to know is how that dookie-obsessed Dr. Oz was able to segue into a conversation about poop. “I see you wear a pretty crappy wig in Cake. Speaking of crap…“
Besides a blind item on CDAN, I don’t think I’ve heard any rumors about how 20-year-old Ansel Elgort, the Harry Potter spell-named dude from Fault in Our Stars and Divergent, is cuckoo for cock. But I guess I’m just not up on my Ansel Elgort rumors, because apparently someone somewhere said that he’s gay and has rented a quiet little pied-à-terre in the closet next to Kevin Spacey’s spot. So Ansel Elgort jumped on his Twatter to let those who care (read: his 2.3 million followers and bloggers who need shit to write about on a slow ass day) know that if the Atlantic Ocean was full of coochie instead of water, we’d call it the Snatchlantic Ocean, and also he’d be swimming, diving and doing the backstroke in it all day and all night, because that’s how much he loves punane.
Just in case it isn't clear… I like girls. A lot.
— Ansel Elgort (@AnselElgort) December 18, 2014
Seems pretty straightforward (NOPP: Not On Purpose Pun), but I guess some people took Ansel Elgort’s declaration of chocha love as his way of saying, “Ewwww, I’m not gay.” So he tweeted out another message where he made it clear that if he did love dick, you’d know it, because you’d wake up to the sound of him screaming his love for it on the mountain tops. He went on to say that everyone just needs to be themselves. Then he asked us to join hands and take turns saying something special about ourselves before singing along to “Firework.”
Also let me say if I was gay I wouldn't hide it. Being gay or straight isn't bad or good it just IS. U are who you are. Be true to yourself.
— Ansel Elgort (@AnselElgort) December 18, 2014
There you go! Ansel Elgort is strictly clitly. That’s all cleared up. And if you’re wondering what an Ansel Elgort is, MOM, here’s your answer. No, my mom doesn’t read this filth. She stopped reading when I started talking sucio. So basically, day one, post one.
Seen above as it takes the tiniest lil’ peek out of the top of her dress, Nicki Minaj’s left titty nip decided to make a surprise appearance on Watch What Happens Live last night. UsWeekly says neither Nicki nor Andy Cohen seemed to notice the pepperoni slice subtly sneaking out out of Nicki’s top, but that some viewers at home saw it and made sure to call that sloppily-dressed trick out for it later on Twitter. Personally, I don’t think it’s Nicki’s fault that her nipple snuck out; there’s a lot of cool stuff in the WWHL studio, and I’m sure it just stuck it’s head out because it wanted to get a better look. Nipples are notoriously curious.
Or maybe the nipple heard Nicki and Andy talking about dicks and wanted to join the conversation. Andy started by asking Nicki if she’d ever take a ride on Wheelchair Jimmy’s emergency brake (she says no). Then during a game of “Plead the Fifth”, Andy asked Nicki “Who has the biggest dick in the music industry?“, to which she replied: “I’ve never seen anybody’s penis in the industry, actually. I saw one penis for 10 years. That’s all I’ll say about that.” Obviously Andy is classier than to ask her about the 10-year dick, so he altered his question by asking her who is the biggest dick in the music industry. Unfortunately, Nicki plead the fifth:
Nicki: “I want to say, but it would be so real, that I can’t. I gotta plead the fifth on that one. But honey child, if I was to say that name…It’s two names that I want to say, honey. Two guys, for lack of a better word.”
Andy: “Two Men?”
Nicki: “If you want to call ‘em that.”
Let the guessing begin! Assholes, assholes…who are the two biggest assholes in the music industry? “Hey, don’t look at us!” hissed Kanye West into a mirror.
I now interrupt our regularly scheduled fuckery to bring you this video of Tumblr’s Co-Prince Tom Hiddleston making your mistletoe quiver by singing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” with country musician Rodney Crowell. Tom is working with Rodney on the soundtrack to the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light and he took a break from working to spread some holiday cheer while the Hiddlestoners fill their panties with fresh eggnog.
Tom added another layer of AWWW to this video by singing that song while an adorable dog friend name Mono sat on his lap.
Something’s going on with Mono. He’s going through something. Either he’s a secret Cumberbitch and wants nothing to do with the scene going on here. Or sitting on Tom Hiddleston’s lap has caused him to be pregnant and he’s fighting morning sickness.
Around the same time that Twitter turned into an ocean of #THETERRORISTHAVEWON hashtags after Sony killed and cremated The Interview, Defamer posted leaked emails between St. Angie Jolie, Amy Pascal and Hollywood’s greatest super villain Scott Rudin about the inevitable turd that is the Cleopatra movie. Up in Heaven, Elizabeth Taylor is looking down at those simpletons while thinking to herself, “Nobody ruined Cleopatra the way that I ruined Cleopatra, but nice try, bitches.”
The e-mails that Defamer threw up yesterday are follow-ups to the legendary, cuntastic, hacked e-mails where Scott Rudin called Angie a “minimally talented spoiled brat” and told Amy Pascal that Cleopatra was going to be an epic flop that would make them the laughing stock of Hollywood. Little did Scott know that the e-mail he was writing would become laugh fuel. In the new e-mails from February 2014 and beyond, the three of them fuss over the choice of director, the script, the look, the wigs and at one point they discuss filming Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra instead. I wish they would’ve gone with that last idea, because Angie doing Shakespeare would be a Razzie-worthy extravaganza that would bring tears of happiness to my eyes.
Meanwhile, at the PIMP Kompound (it’s where Kim Kardashian likes to store her in between Pretty Mommy photo ops) North West is interrogating 2 of her 10 nannies as to who is this strange man named Kanye West who would spend $74,000 on her. “He’s who? My dad? Get out! Really? I have a mom AND a dad? I wonder when I’ll get to see them?”
According to Heat magazine (via Radar), Kim’s current husband Kanye Kardashian has spend $74,000 on Christmas gifts for their 18-month-old daughter North. Yes, seventy-four thousands of dollars. For a baby. Just one more reminder that we live on a garbage planet filled with garbage people. Kanye reportedly bought her a $62,000 diamond tiara and a $12,000 baby-sized car, both very practical gifts for a child who no doubt spends her days mashing soggy Goldfish crackers into the rug and trying to figure out what sound the cow makes. Apparently, Kanye got North an expensive-ass diamond tiara so that when she played dress-up, she could be a real princess, and he got her the car because it’s an exact replica of his. As if she would even know – the only car North has been in is the one she rides in every two weeks that takes her to and from pap appointments with her mom.
Obviously letting a baby play with $62,000 worth of diamonds is a next-level dumb idea, but I can’t throw any side-eye to that $12,000 baby-sized car. When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than a red Power Wheels Jeep, and I would have sold my entire collection of footless Barbies to get one (I chewed all the feet off my Barbies, which probably says a lot about me than I care to know). So yeah, am I jealous that North West got a baby car that’s more expensive than my adult car? Absolutely. The only thing better than a grown-up car is a battery-powered car you can ride through the house.
I like to imagine that’s also the face he’ll make the first time the baby spits up on him. “Aw hell, this dashiki is dry clean only. I’m getting too old for this shit!” Luckily, Stevie Wonder only has to deal with one type of baby barf. Remember last month when there was a rumor going around that 64-year-old Stevie had knocked a set of triplets into his girlfriend Tomeeka Robyn Bracy, thus guaranteeing his induction into the Fertile Pepaw Hall of Fame? Well, it turns out the three babies were just one, and it’s here now.
Stevie’s rep has confirmed to UsWeekly that Stevie became a father for the 9th time when Tomeeka birthed a baby girl named Nia. This is his second baby with Tomeeka. Stevie’s rep says they chose the name Nia because it means ‘purpose’, and that it’s one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa. But I’m pretending they named her after high-waisted jeans inspiration Nia Long.
I know 64 is technically pretty old to be dealing with a newborn, but there’s got to be a couple silver linings. For instance, you never have to worry about the baby not letting you sleep in, since you’re already waking up at 4am every morning. You both have a mutual respect for the other when it comes to having a difficult time going to the bathroom, and you’re both always taking naps. Plus, whenever you want to leave a party early, you can blame it on the baby. Frankly, I can’t see any problems! What’s that you say? Being constantly tired? Oh…right.
Getting blindfolded commoner children to write the words ‘All Hail Queen Kate!’ from a piping bag full of mushy peas onto a deep fried haddock ball has always been one of her life’s small, guilty pleasures. – runic 2467
“Just apply the topping as I would with eyeliner, no that’s not enough.” – Tart of Darkness
Jordan James Parke, the delicate and demure British rosebud who injected gallons of fillers into his petals to look like his beauty idol Kim Kardashian. Err, Jordan James Parke looks more like the baby that was pulled out of Harald Glööckler’s ass 9 months after his rhinestone-covered ovary eggs (yes, Harald has rhinestone-covered ovary eggs) were inseminated with the essence of Kylie Jenner. In other words, JJP looks a million times more gorgeous, stunning and glamorous than the dumpster mannequin he idolizes!
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