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I love gingerbread. So far this holiday season, I have eaten nearly 9 dozen gingerbread cookies. I am not proud of that, but it’s the truth. I have also made a two-storey gingerbread house, and I am counting down the days till I can smash it open and gnaw at the stale pieces like a hungry rat rooting through the trash. Again, I am not proud of that. So obviously Martha Stewart’s gingerbread version of Downton Abbey is doing things to me. I want to eat it all, and I don’t care how many gross hands have touched it. People says Martha’s Gingerbread Abbey took 2 hours to assemble and 34 hours to decorate. But I’m sure it only took 3 seconds to piss off Martha’s sworn enemy Gwyneth Paltrow, who no doubt ran into her kitchen, fired up her La Cornue Grand Palais 180 oven, and screamed at her assistants “I need 2 gallons of imported French molasses, 8 bags of organic hand-pressed rice flour, and the blueprints for Buckingham Palace RIGHT NOW!”
Hacker Group Anonymous Has Threatened To Reveal Secrets About Iggy Azalea Unless She Apologizes To Azealia Banks
For those of you thinking “Which one is the Itchy?“, American-sounding Australian rapper Iggy Azalea is on the left, and crazy-pants “gremlin baby” (copyright: T.I.) Azealia Banks is on the right. And right now, the one on the left is sweating her phony accent off, because she might have to decide between a public apology to the crusty human canker sore in her life or the door of her closet being blasted open and all of her skeletons falling out.
In case you’re not caught up on your messy Twitter fights, the latest feud between Iggy Azalea and Azealia Banks started when Iggy took a couple swipes at Azealia on Twitter after she discovered that Azealia was once again talking shit about her during a recent radio interview. Not surprisingly, Azealia hissed back a bunch of crazy, and it just escalated from there. And now its gotten 10x messier, because the hacker group Anonymous has gotten themselves involved, and they’re Team Azealia Banks. According to Billboard, Anonymous started tweeting at Iggy Azalea last night, accusing her that she’s guilty of “misappropriating black culture, insulting peaceful protesters, and making light of Eric Garner’s death” and threatening that if she doesn’t release a statement apologizing to Azealia Banks and the protesters in NYC, they would release proof that an Iggy Azalea sex tape exists. Not the whole tape, mind you, but several screen grabs showing her face, and maybe one of two of her old ass (I’m just assuming; they didn’t actually say that last part).
So far, Iggy Azalea hasn’t said anything about Anonymous’ threats or an apology, so it sounds like she might be calling their bluff like you used to when you were a kid and your babysitter threatened to call your parents. “Yeah? Go ahead. Here, use the good phone – that other one cuts in and out.” And Azealia Banks hasn’t said anything, because she’s too busy getting into a Twitter fight with rapper Action Bronson.
I’m sure there is someone somewhere has a video of Iggy Azalea going to town on some dude’s didgeridoo, but does anyone really care that much? I feel like this is just Anonymous being jealous that the Sony hackers are getting so much attention. “Hey! Over here! We have stuff to leak too! Pay attention to us!“
Cue the Welcome Back, Kotter theme! For the past several months, there has been a noticeable lack of blatant PDA courtside at Lakers games, and it was all because the king and queen of the Kiss Cam, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, took a bit of a hiatus to have a baby. Baby Wyatt was born back in October, and I’m sure they would have loved to have gone to their second home (the Staples Center) at least once in the past couple months, but we all know those two don’t have a nanny who could watch their baby, so there’s no way they could have left the house. But last night, by some divine miracle, Jackie and Kelso managed to find a babysitter (Wilmer Valderrama, who had nothing better to do and could use the cash) and took in their first Lakers game since becoming parents.
And of course, their first order of business was to get their public smooch on, because it’s not a Lakers game unless Jackie and Kelso start sucking face. They also were sort of dressed alike from the waist-down, which I’m not feeling, because adults that dress like twinsies always give me the creeps. And for those of you looking at Ashton wearing a trucker hat and starting to panic, don’t worry – I just checked today’s date, and we didn’t actually go back in time to 2003.
Here’s more of Jackie and Kelso and Jackie’s boobs looking like acome-to-life Abercrombie ad at the Lakers game last night:
From what I’ve gleaned in the 0.03 seconds of Keeping Up With The Klassless Trashians that I’ve seen, it was my understanding that Pimp Mama Kris is the one who kalls all the shots in that family, like what you wear, how many times a year you get married, the best time to accidentally leak a sex tape. But recently, PMK’s most profitable ho Kim Kardashian pulled a gutsy move and sent her mother an email telling her to fix her shit, fashion-wise. Is that drowsy-looking hooker crazy? Rule no. 1: never come for the bitch who controls your checking account!
Pimp Mama Kris posted a screen-grab of the email to Instagram yesterday, and yes, Kim Kardashian writes exactly how you’d think that lazy trick would write. Terrible spelling, and not a capital letter or period in sight. I’m sure spambots read this email and were like “###damn KIMKARDASHIAN, even my aunt who makes $7,956/hr working fromhome selling #1 top quality enhancement pills uses proper sentence structure###“.
Well, that was blunt – she didn’t even try to sugar-coat it. Or maybe her version of sugar-coating is deleting the words “LISTEN UP, U UGLY HAG” from the subject line. Either way, like Kim is in any position to give fashion advice. Hooker please, you sell clothes at Sears! Sure, PMK dresses like a real estate agent’s interpretation of Wednesday Addams, but that’s no worse than looking like an overstuffed sausage in heels, like some people. Kim, just because your current husband has the creative director of Givench as the #1 on his speed-dial doesn’t make you the honorary queen of fashion.
Speaking of over-stuffed sausages in heels, here’s Kim looking like a boiled weisswurst while visiting a laser clinic with a comically-assed Khloe Kardashian and cold bowl of soggy Special K Kendull Jenner yesterday.
Look at Robert Duvall’s crotchety old face behind them. I know it’s just a poster, but it looks like he’s about to bark: “Oh, knock it off, you two – movie premieres aren’t THAT much fun.”
After many months – nine, to be exact – Kristen Bell has evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her womb, and now she and her husband
Frito Pendejo Dax Shepard are the parents to their second baby girl. Kristen and Dax already have a 21-month-old daughter named Lincoln Bell Shepard, and I was hoping they might stick with the American History theme and this new baby would be called Washington or Liberty Bell or something. But they didn’t do that; instead, they did something MUCH better. Kristen announced the arrival of baby no. 2 on Twitter last night, and I’m going to take this as a sign that their favorite Designing Woman was Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Delta Bell Shepard! That’s only 3 letters off from being named Delta Burke, aka one of the most prolific and important fashion designers of our time. The only way that name could be better is if they changed Delta to Julia and legally changed the baby’s last name from Shepard to Sugarbaker.
Or maybe they chose Delta because they really love air travel, but American Airlines Shepard was just too awkward and United Shepard sounds like a weird cult. Or maybe it was an on-purpose mistake by a hospital nurse who couldn’t bear to see another baby named Elsa this year. “Elsa? Oh, hell no…change that S to a T, and throw a D in front. There. You’re welcome, baby.” I don’t know. Regardless, congratulations to them both!
Dlisted reader Andrew wrote me the other day and asked me if I’ve ever had something called Gobblestix. Gobblestix was a new one to me. Since my brain tissue is shaped like a peen, I immediately thought he was threatening me with a good time and made a note to add “Have you ever had a Gobblestix?” to my list of Grindr pick-up lines. But Andrew was talking about a processed turkey parts stick from the 90s called Gobblestix. I used my journalistic skills to find as much information about Gobblestix as possible (read: I did a 4 second Google search) and I couldn’t find much.
They were put out by the Jennie-O Turkey Store (who later merged with Whoremel) in the 90s and lasted a few years. They came in flavors like cheese, pizza and honey. I guess they were supposed to be the new string cheese, but that didn’t really happen. I’d like to think that I’m an 80s and 90s snack connoisseur, but I don’t remember these at all. Either Gobblestix never made their way to Southern California or I blocked that memory out.
But I’m glad I know about them now. Because the next time I’m eating an uncooked turkey dog and someone throws me a judgmental look of disgust, I can say, “Don’t look at me like that. It’s not a raw hot dog. It’s a Gobblestix! Educate yourself.”
Here’s the commercial which couldn’t be more 90s if it featured Clarissa Darling shooting Blossom with a Super Soaker.
Those burp sounds really sell it.
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Pic: Taste The Style
A White House reporter learned that us mere mortals aren’t allowed to take pictures of her royal Goopness. Dude should’ve just taken a picture of a dried out piece of celery on the crudité platter and said it was Goopy Paltrow. Nobody would have known the difference - Lainey Gossip
Tom Hiddleston’s got his jeans tucked in his cowboy boots, because he’s always ready for the panty pudding flood that forms wherever he’s around – Celebitchy
Even though she looks like she’s queefing with her eyes closed in most of these pictures, Nicki Minaj looks hot (and Photoshopped to infinity and beyond) in the new Roberto Cavalli campaign – Drunken Stepfather
Phaedra Parks will take her sons (and probably Bravo’s cameras) to prison to visit their daddy - Reality Tea
Conchia Wurst will grace Eurovision with her bearded glamour once again – Towleroad
Pedophile Stephen Collins doesn’t think he’s a pedophile. Um that piece of trash IS a pedophile and he’ll really know he’s one when Mama June calls him up for a date – The Superficial
Somebody get Nicole Scherzinger’s au pair, because her diaper pants are full and need changing – Hollywood Tuna
MiserAlba looking miserable: Part 4,867,989 – Popoholic
Why, Amber Rose, why?!!! – Jezebel
Happy Shirtless (And Peen Print, see #3) Friday! – The Berry
David Fincher is trying to be the Shonda Rhimes of HBO – Pajiba
Orlando Bloom really wants to do low-budget elf porn, basically – SOW
The Queen Will Rise: A Liberace Hologram is going to go on tour – OMG Blog
What in Matrix reject HELL is RiRi wearing? – ICYDK
“Girl, you don’t like my Susan Powter ‘do, do you?” – Evan Ross to a sour-faced Ashlee Simpson in that picture – Popsugar
Sarah Jessica Parker and HBO: together again (maybe) – Just Jared
The New Yorker hurt Laura Jeanne Poon’s feelings one time and yes, she has feelings, so she says – HuffPo
Pic: Bro My God