Archives: December 2014

Night Crumbs

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

A White House reporter learned that us mere mortals aren’t allowed to take pictures of her royal Goopness. Dude should’ve just taken a picture of a dried out piece of celery on the crudité platter and said it was Goopy Paltrow. Nobody would have known the difference  - Lainey Gossip 

Tom Hiddleston’s got his jeans tucked in his cowboy boots, because he’s always ready for the panty pudding flood that forms wherever he’s around – Celebitchy

Even though she looks like she’s queefing with her eyes closed in most of these pictures, Nicki Minaj looks hot (and Photoshopped to infinity and beyond) in the new Roberto Cavalli campaign – Drunken Stepfather

Phaedra Parks will take her sons (and probably Bravo’s cameras) to prison to visit their daddy  - Reality Tea 

Conchia Wurst will grace Eurovision with her bearded glamour once again – Towleroad

Pedophile Stephen Collins doesn’t think he’s a pedophile. Um that piece of trash IS a pedophile and he’ll really know he’s one when Mama June calls him up for a date – The Superficial 

Somebody get Nicole Scherzinger’s au pair, because her diaper pants are full and need changing – Hollywood Tuna

MiserAlba looking miserable: Part 4,867,989 – Popoholic

Why, Amber Rose, why?!!! – Jezebel

Happy Shirtless (And Peen Print, see #3) Friday! – The Berry

David Fincher is trying to be the Shonda Rhimes of HBO – Pajiba

Orlando Bloom really wants to do low-budget elf porn, basically – SOW

The Queen Will Rise: A Liberace Hologram is going to go on tour – OMG Blog

What in Matrix reject HELL is RiRi wearing? – ICYDK

Girl, you don’t like my Susan Powter ‘do, do you?” – Evan Ross to a sour-faced Ashlee Simpson in that picture – Popsugar

Sarah Jessica Parker and HBO: together again (maybe) – Just Jared

The New Yorker hurt Laura Jeanne Poon’s feelings one time and yes, she has feelings, so she says – HuffPo

SS: Twitter

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Today In WTF: Ross Gellar Is Playing Robert Kardashian In Ryan Murphy’s OJ Miniseries

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

I guess the F in FX officially stands for “fuckery,” because Deadline says that David Schwimmer has been cast as Robert Kardashian in the American Horror Story spin-off series called American Crime Story, which will focus on a famous real-life crime each season. They’re doing the OJ Simpson trial for their first season, obviously. Cuba Gooding Jr. is playing OJ and Sarah Paulson is playing Marcia Clark. An OJ Simpson miniseries starring Ross from Friends and the “SHOW ME THE MOOONAY!” guy from Jerry Maguire is like something the 90s threw up. I hope this means that Kimmy Gibbler is playing Nicole Brown Simpson, Coolio is playing Johnnie Cochran, Gary Oldman as Dracula is playing Pimp Mama Kris, Kato Kaelin is playing Kato Kaelin and the morally corrupt Faye Resnick is playing the morally corrupt Faye Resnick.

Here’s the release about this messy shit from FX:

David Schwimmer is set to star in the project based on the book The Run of His Life: The People v. O.J. Simpson. The miniseries takes a look at the O.J. Simpson trial told from the perspective of the lawyers that explores the chaotic behind-the-scenes dealings and maneuvering on both sides of the court, and how a combination of prosecution confidence, defense wiliness, and the LAPD’s history with the city’s African-American community gave a jury what it needed: reasonable doubt. Schwimmer will play O.J. Simpson’s confidant and attorney Robert Kardashian, starring opposite Cuba Gooding Jr. as Simpson and Sarah Paulson as prosecutor Marcia Clark

I don’t think anybody has been asking for an OJ Simpson miniseries, but this has all the makings of a beautiful disaster, so I’m here for it. Since they cast Ross Gellar, they should also ask Marcel. Don’t even say that Marcel should play Khloe or Kris. Don’t do that to Marcel.

Open Post: Hosted By Bai Ling Gracing The Streets With Her Elegant Modesty

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above talking to Duchess Kate who is begging her to come to England to work as the royal family’s stylist since nobody does timeless sophistication like her, Bai Ling walked the ho stroll in Beverly Hills last night while re-defining the meaning of demure.

You can call off the search because your Christmas Day morning outfit has been found. This is the perfect ensemble to wear to pay homage to Jesus. All you need is the following:

1. The cheapest faux leather and fur jacket you can find in the clearance section at Forever 21. Don’t worry about getting one with buttons, because it’s not like you’re going to use them.

2. Instagram leggings. If you can’t find any, just print out your Instagram pictures and glue them to a pair of old pajama pants.

3. The red patent leather platform raver boots you wore when you were Ginger Spice for Halloween 15 years ago. If you don’t have a pair of red patent leather platform raver boots, just use red duct tape to tape two Jackie Collins paperback books to the bottom of your feets.

4. A pair of Tupperware titties. If you don’t have a pair of Tupperware titties, just use double-sided tape to tape two Tupperware bowls to your chest.

Put those four things together and VOILA! You have the perfect outfit that will take you from Christmas breakfast to church!

Pics: Wenn.com

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People Magazine Names Kate Upton Their Sexiest Woman Alive

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Because what the world really needs is another award show where famous types get their assholes sucked, the 1st annual People Magazine Awards happened in L.A. last night. I watched it for about 45 seconds last night, but I quickly changed the channel, because I can only handle so many award shows in one season and I’m saving myself for the much classier and relevant Weekly World News Awards.

During last night’s show, People named Kate Upton as their Sexiest Woman Alive. People is really getting creamy for blondes this year, I see. Kate Upton accepted her trophy while dressed up like a conservative dominatrix secretary. That shit’s not sexy at all! Where were her magnificent chichis? How is she going to accept an award for being the Sexiest Woman Alive while not dressed sexy at all? But in Kate’s defense, I’m sure she didn’t know she was going to win, because it’s not like her publicist “bought” that meaningless title with promises of future EXCLUSIVES. It took workers nearly 2 hours to peel Kate Upton’s face off of the ceiling. She screamed it off after she won that award. She was THAT surprised.

Poor Angelyne, Bai Ling, Charo, La Tigresa Del Oriente, Phoebe Price, Detective La Toya Jackson and Shauna Sand. They’re women, they’re alive (mostly, I think) and they produce a zillion times more natural sexiness than Kate Upton does. ROBBED doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And Jennifer Aniston won Movie Performance of the Year at the People Magazine Awards, so she’s pretty much a lock for that Best Actress Oscar. You know what they say, a People Magazine Award leads directly to OSCUH! Sorry, Julianne.

Pics: Wenn.com

And Here’s Jennifer Lopez Reminding Us That Jennifer Lopez Is Still Very Sexy

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Ah, the People Magazine Awards! What better place to oil up your titties and half-cover them in a beaded onesie. Yes, Jennifer Lopez is wearing a beaded onesie – don’t worry, I have many questions about that too. Just thinking about all that all-over beading is giving me flashbacks to my figure skating years (all 7 of which are deeply embarrassing), along with the feeling of prickly sequins scraping against bare skin and the taste of wet mittens and hairspray in my mouth. Thanks JLo.

I’m not sure I’m feeling whatever it is JLo is serving up here. Don’t get me wrong, JLo always looks hot, it’s just that there is a lot going on, and all of it is making me do Target Lady face. First off, what is going on with her shoulderpads? It looks like she’s got two extra-thick Cuchinis stuck in there. Second, why is she so Kardashian in the face? And my follow-up question to that is, why is her hairline 10 shades darker than the rest of her face? Finally, JLo needs to go easy on the body glitter. I had an old roommate who was obsessed with Urban Decay Sparkling Lickable Body Powder (bitch went through a box a week, I’m serious) and even she would be looking at JLo’s disco ball arms like “Too much.

But what about me?” cried JLo’s thirsty extensions. Aw, you’re ok. Any hair that looks like it was cut off an old Cut N’ Style Barbie doll is fine by me.

Here’s more of JLo looking like a sexy back-up dancer from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, as well as a bunch of other famous types at the People Magazine Awards, including The Hammaconda’s human handler Jon Hamm, Kate Hudson – who seems to think she’s at the Golden Globes, and the definition of a People Magazine Awards attendee Kaley Cuoco:

Pics: Splash

The FBI Officially Names North Korea As The Puppet Masters Of The Sony Hack

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

“Oh DAYUM, they’re really dragging Angelina! By the way, that’s your cue to laugh, my minions.

Today, the FBI officially pointed a finger at North Korea for being behind the hack and terrorist threats that brought The Interview down. An FBI investigation (led by Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love, I’m sure) proved that North Korea called the shots and backed the hackers who cyber attacked Sony using servers in Asia, Europe, the US and Latin America. The FBI says that everything leads back to North Korea and that spoiled, hissy fit-throwing, bloated bitch Kim Jong-Un. The methods used in the hack are methods that the US knows North Korea has previously developed. The FBI’s full statement is here, but I’ve pasted a piece of it after the cut and it’s much more entertaining if you picture Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love saying these words while holding magnifying glasses over their eyes.

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Brad Pitt Is “Too Distracting” For Jury Duty

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Anyone who’s ever tried to get out of jury duty knows that shit is expert-level hard. You gotta make up lies about your cat needing 24-hour care and being severely allergic to legal jargon and the invisible talking grasshopper who told you that everyone who wears glasses is always guilty. But not Brad Pitt! According to The Daily Mail, Brad Pitt recently got out of jury duty on account of being Brad Pitt.

Last Friday, St. Angie’s husband showed up to the court house in downtown Los Angeles after receiving notification that he was needed for jury duty, but was reportedly turned away during the interview process because the court thought the presence of Oscar-winning superstar Brad Pitt in the jury box might be “too distracting” for people during the trial. An insider says Brad thought serving on a jury would be interesting and was actually hoping he’d get chosen for a short case, so I can imagine a whole lot of sadness snacks were eaten in the car ride back to Château du Cheekbones.

Celebrities serve on juries all the time, so I’m wondering what the real reason for was giving Brad the boot. It was probably because they knew there was a 96% chance he wouldn’t shower before he came to court and would end up stinking up the jury box with his damp nut smell and stale weed hair. No need to worry though – I’m sure Judge Jesus will select him for the jury that oversees the trial of St. Angie vs. Scott Rudin’s rude-ass comments about St. Angie in Heaven early next year.

Cameron Diaz Is Engaged To Benji Madden Because She Wants Babies

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Sluts of the world, let’s all gather around and pour out a cup of ass lube for one of our slut idols Cameron Diaz, because apparently she’s retiring from the ho shit game to marry a Madden. UsWeekly says that the couple, whose nickname should be ????? because they are the epitome of random, are really engaged after bumping overgrown crotch bushes for 7 months. Rumors about Cameron being engaged to human Monster Energy can Benji Madden have been going around for a while now, but a source tells UsWeekly that it’s really true this time. Well, at least us sluts got Kate Hudson back.

Some source says that 35-year-old Benji is the kind of trick who is always falling in love with a new lady, but this time it’s really ~true love~ and he wants to make 42-year-old Cameron Diaz his first wife. Cameron doesn’t need to get married, but she does want babies and Benji is a traditional tramp who won’t have kids unless he’s married. The source dribbled out these words about Cameron becoming Nicole Richie’s future sister-in-law:

“Everyone thinks it’s wild but are so happy for them. Benji always tends to fall in love easily, but this time it’s for real and he landed a great girl. They obviously both make each other incredibly happy and there’s nothing better than that. He is more traditional then her. She really doesn’t care about getting married but wants babies. He wants to get engaged and married first.”

I know Cameron has had more douches in her than the feminine hygiene product aisle at CVS, so it sort of makes sense that she’s hard up for a dude who looks like a member of Douches of Anarchy and boned Parasite Hilton dozens of times. But if you’re going to settle down with a douche, you should at least settle down with a top douche. Benji Madden isn’t even in the top 10 of the Biggest Douches in the World list. Is Dane Cook not available or something?

Also, Cameron Diaz has said before that she doesn’t want kids. So either the source (read: UsWeekly’s fall intern) is lying or Benji’s dick has serious powers. If this story is true and Cameron has really changed her mind about wanting kids, then Benji should name his dick “Obi-Wan Peenobi” because it knows how to bust out some Jedi Mind Tricks on a piece.

Here’s Cameron wearing a ring on THAT finger in London three days ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Colbert Report Ended With Randy Newman Singing At A Piano, Which Is How All Shows Should End

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Yes, I’m completely serious. Randy Newman gave us “I Love L.A.”, which in turn gave us a fame-hungry Kris Kardashian performing the cringeworthy masterpiece “I Love My Friends“, and for that we should be forever grateful.

After 9 years of confusing your right-wing uncle (“I don’t get it…does he hate Obamacare or not?“) Stephen Colbert said goodbye to The Colbert Report last night so that he could move into David Letterman’s old office at The Late Show. And just like Chelsea Handler did when she pulled the plug on Chelsea Lately in August, Stephen gathered a bunch of his famous friends together to sing “We’ll Meet Again”. Television: like a big-budget summer camp. Stephen was joined by the Cheers to his Frasier, Jon Stewart, as well as every other human on the planet. Bryan Cranston! Bill Clinton! Willie Nelson! North Korean Enemy No. 1 James Franco! Cookie Monster! You know you’re a big deal when you get Cookie Monster (I heard he’s a notorious recluse).

But my favorite part is around the 3:13 mark when Andy Cohen shows up and fucking BRINGS IT. Andy is singing like he’s got RuPaul, Michelle Visage, and Santino in the audience and there’s a lifetime supply of ColorEvolution cosmetics at stake.

Since Stephen Colbert the character won’t be going to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert the person, the show ends with Stephen Colbert flying away forever in a sleigh with Santa, Abraham Lincoln, and Alex Trebek. That’s an ok ending, but what I really would have liked to have seen was Stephen Colbert ripping off his mask and revealing that it was Chuck Noblet the whole time.

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