Archives: December 2014

St. Angie Has A Cyber Security Team To Make Sure The Child Army Doesn’t Look Up Anything Bad Online

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

I didn’t have access to a computer till I was 13-years-old, and the first thing I did when I got one was spend all day playing You Don’t Know Jack and lighting characters on fire in The Sims, so I have no idea what it’s like to be a curious kid on the internet. But it sounds like St. Angie’s is afraid her Lil’ Angels might be the curious types, because she tells People that the child army has a cyber security team who monitor their activity online. Even though Angelina is perfect in every way, she says she’s “old school” when it comes to technology, so she and Brad Pitt hired people to make sure nobody is searching “Drawing of boobs life-like” or “Make bomb using crayon wax how?“.

“It’s a scary new world,” the star says. “It’s so beyond what we understand. We wouldn’t even know what to look for.”

She also says she’s glad the kind of technology the child army has access to today wasn’t around when she was younger, saying “I got in enough trouble. It just would have been very documented.” Oh, like this?

St. Angie and Brad’s kids are still fairly young, so it makes sense to keep an eye on what they’re looking at online. The internet can be a scary place! Can you even imagine how traumatic it would be if one of them started snooping around unsupervised on the internet and found out that St. Angie is a minimally-talented spoiled brat instead of a delicate wisp of pure light sent from Heaven?

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She’s Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Drivers of L.A., you better put on your protective racing helmet and hang a rosary around your rearview mirror, because the streets are unsafe again!

Last night at LAX, a tired, leather orange bag carrying a Herpes (don’t make me fix that typo) purse made her way through after getting off of a flight from London. Recently, the hos of Southern California breathed out ten clouds of relief when Lindsay Lohan said that she’s never ever going to live in the land of Double Doubles, plastic faces and Angelyne again. But because it’s been much too long since the halls of the Chateau Marmont have been filled with the sound of LiLo’s crackie wails as she bangs on the door of some actor’s room, she’s back for a visit.

Well, it was fun while it lasted, L.A.,! But today, every baby isn’t going to hit the streets unless they’re riding in one of these, every drug dealer is moving to Miami for the rest of the month and every jewelry store is hanging bras on their front doors. We all know she doesn’t go near a bra.

And here’s LiLo declaring war on Christmas in day 17 of Love Magazine’s fame whore advent calendar video:

If there’s an asshole in your family (“Hmmm, I wonder who that could be?” – my family members) who only deserve a lump of coal in their stocking this year, save the coal and give them a printed screen shot of LiLo blowing a dirty air kiss instead.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Selena Gomez Filled The Dramatic Messy Friend Quota For Taylor Swift’s 25th Birthday Party

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Anyone who has ever turned 25 (or 15 or 30 or 96) knows that there’s going to be at least one melodramatic trick who gets all kinds of messy and turns your party into an episode of Intervention. Crying. Screaming. Hissing “YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME!!!” to no one in particular before storming out, then returning 4 minutes later with a bottle of wine asking “Who wants some wine? It’s wine time! Weeeew!” and acting like nothing happened. Well, according to UsWeekly, that person at Taylor Swift’s super sweet 25th birthday party last weekend was none other than toddler-faced chipmunk Selena Gomez.

An insider (either Meredith or the SVU cat) says that everyone was having a great time at Tay Tay’s party, until Selena started getting emotional and turning into THAT girl. Selena reportedly started crying and was heard shouting: “No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me!” According to the insider, the only response she got was from singer Sam Smith, who “just stared” at her. Probably because it’s all he could do to keep from grabbing her by the shoulders and screaming “GOOD GOD TODDLER, GET A GRIP!

I know that Selena is next-level dickmatized when it comes to that bottle blonde brat Justin Bieber, but this is getting ridiculous. Crying over that pint-sized douche in the privacy of your own home is one thing, but doing it in the middle of a birthday party full of famous people? And how especially rude of Selena to yank the attention away from the star of the party. No, I’m not talking about Tay Tay – I’m talking about her majesty Beyonce. “If Beyonce had known Beyonce was going to get upstaged by a sad chipmunk, Beyonce would have stayed home.

Pic: Instagram

One Of The Country’s Biggest Theater Chains Isn’t Showing “The Interview” On Christmas Day

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

That puppy’s “double fuck this pussy pimple for dragging me into this disaster” look says it all.

After the hacker group who calls themselves the Guardians of Peace (Side note: I almost typed that “Guardians of Peen,” which sounds like the name of my kind of group) threatened to pull a 9/11-like attack on theaters showing The Interview, there was a rumor that Sony was thinking about moving that shit show’s release date from December 25th to sometime in February. But they might not have to make that decision, because one theater chain is fucking done with The Interview professionally and another chain is thinking of doing the same thing. Carmike isn’t taking any chances and last night they said that The Interview will not be shown on any of its 2,917 screens. Employees of the fancy theater chain Arclight have been telling people that they’re not going to show it either, but a rep tells Deadline that they haven’t made a decision yet. Sony said last night that they understand why chains don’t want anything to do with their newest train wreck and they’re leaving it up to them as to whether or not that mess sees the light of day on Jesus’ born day.

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Stephen Collins Tells People Magazine That, Yes, He Was A Child Toucher, But He Isn’t Anymore

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Not content to let Bill Cosby hog the “beloved father figure-turned-awful garbage person” spotlight, America’s other dad Stephen Collins is back to talk about that time he confessed to being a child toucher during a therapy session that was secretly recorded by his ex-wife Faye Grant. Stephen released a statement to People magazine where he admits pretty much what we already know (that he was a creepy predator who molested three girls back in the day), but also provides us with some new information. Don’t worry, it’s not the kind of new information that will make you reach for a fresh bottle of brain bleach. Well, it might – but you won’t use the whole bottle this time.

Reverend Eric Camden’s gross bizarro world counterpart says that he hasn’t touched anyone in the wrong way since 1994, adding “I have not had an impulse to act out in any such way.” Stephen Collins really wants you to know that his child toucher days are behind him and he hasn’t done anything bad in 20 years. He also wants you to know it’s all his sneaky ex-wife’s fault that he’s even releasing this statement:

“Forty years ago, I did something terribly wrong that I deeply regret. I have been working to atone for it ever since. I’ve decided to address these issues publicly because two months ago, various news organizations published a recording made by my then-wife, Faye Grant, during a confidential marriage therapy session in January, 2012. This session was recorded without the therapist’s or my knowledge or consent.”

“On the recording, I described events that took place 20, 32, and 40 years ago. The publication of the recording has resulted in assumptions and innuendos about what I did that go far beyond what actually occurred. As difficult as this is, I want people to know the truth.”

Ah, what would the “sorry not sorry” apology be without a good old fashioned throwing under the bus. Speaking of sorrys, Stephen also says he has apologized to one of his victims (who Stephen says was “extraordinarily gracious”), but that he hasn’t reached out to the other two, because he’s afraid it might make things worse for them and doesn’t want to open old wounds. Or maybe he’s just afraid of the new wound that will be opened on his face when he meets up with his adult victims and they “make things worse” with one of their fists.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Schlomo, Grandpa Boris’ arch nemesis in the Rugrats Hanukkah special!

Animated Christmas  TV specials are a dime a dozen and around this time of year you can’t click through the channels without bumping into one (example. Last night when my eyes spent way too much time with that cartoon Elf movie on NBC. I would blame the good shit, but I was sober, so I only have myself to blame). Hanukkah cartoon specials are much more rare and the one I remember the most is the Rugrats Chanukah episode from 1996.

In the special, the kids, who are always high on acid, imagine themselves as characters in the story of Hanukkah as Grandma Minka reads them a book about the meaning of Hanukkah. Grandma Minka doesn’t finish the story, because she has to cook latkes and the babies attention turns to Tommy and Dil’s Jewish abuelito Grandpa Boris screaming about how his childhood rival Schlomo has been cast as the Greek king in the local synagogue’s Hanukkah play. Grandpa Boris is playing Judah. The babies think Schlomo is really the Greek king and they make a plan to take down the “Meanie of Chanukah” at the play.

The Rugrats Hanukkah episode has everything you could ever want from a Hanukkah episode: Latkes, a dude in a dreidel costume, Angelica being a bitch and a good old-fashioned pepaw fight between Grandpa Boris and Schlomo. Nickelodeon has the entire episode online and I should’ve watched this shit last night instead of spending way too much time with Elf. Angelica is the star of the episode, because she’s the star of every episode, but the second breakout star of the episode is Schlomo. Schlomo knows how to wear a cape and you can’t deny that magnificent white cartoon beard.

Happy Hanukkah!

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Birthday Sluts

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Milla Jovovich (39)
Sarah Paulson (39)
Duff Goldman (40)
Giovanni Ribisi (40)
Marissa Ribisi (40)
Sean Patrick Thomas (44)
Laurie Holden (45)
Chuck Liddell (45)
Sara Dallin of Bananarama (53)
Gregg Araki (55)
Peter Farrelly (58)
Bill Pullman (61)
Eugene Levy (68)
Chris Matthews (69)
Ernie Hudson (69)
Pope Francis (78)
Armin Mueller-Stahl (84)

Pic: Madame Figaro

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Night Crumbs

December 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Thor is in GQ Magazine’s Manly Man Issue and there’s not one picture of his nipples. GQ really needs to take a trip to Dictionary.com and look up the meaning of “manly man.” Everyone but them knows that the definition of a “manly man” is a man who is always naked because he’s too manly for clothes – Lainey Gossip 

So I guess this means that we’ll never get an encore performance of Rose McGowan in her elegant VMAs “dress” – Celebitchy

And just like that, Ellen DeGeneres dyed her hair black and got a long weave installed in her head – The Superficial

Teresa Giudice’s ex-crisis manager is writing a tell-all and I’m sure the title will be Planet of the Fame WhoresReality Tea

Carla Gugino married Martina Navratilova?! – Towleroad

So I see that Stacey Dash is a proud graduate of Lea Michele’s School Of Try Hard Sexy Poses - Hollywood Tuna

Is it grounds for a 5150 hold if I admit out loud that I’m actually excited about seeing Wiz Khalifa’s sex tape?  - WWTDD

If you put a microscope up to my brain, this is what you’d see – The Berry 

Presenting the most riveting thing I’ve seen today: Megan Fox and David Silver walking through a parking lot – Popoholic

Panty Creamer of the Day:  Calvin Harris without a top on – Popsugar

Sony hates James Franco in The InterviewIDLYITW

Somebody get me a tub of holy water, because I need to drown out the image of Bill Cosby’s crusty anus mouth sucking on toes – Jezebel

And I fully expect Tim Burton to replace Michael Keaton with Johnny Depp in Beetlejuice 2Pajiba

Today, I hate my eyes for mistaking a younger Mark Ruffalo for Ashton KutcherSOW

Fuck you, Jamie Dornan, for not telling me which sex dungeon you were visiting before you visited it – Just Jared

But when is it going to be Vanity 6′s turn to be inducted into the Rock N’ Roll Hall Of Fame? – ICYDK

What a surprise – HuffPo

Pic: GQ

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Joey Fatone Opens His Fat Mouth About The TimberFetus Growing In Jessica Biel’s Womb

December 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Jessica Biel’s either got a human growing in her body or she’s suffering from the same shit I suffer from, skinny fat, because she’s been looking swole. The hobo’s Blake Lively (or is Blake Lively the hobo’s Jessica Biel?) and Justin Timberlake haven’t said anything about her being knocked up, because it’s pretty obvious that she is and they’re way too ~famous~ and way too ~ private~ for that. Besides, they don’t need to announce that shit  when they’ve got Joey Fat One to do it for them.

Just like the editor of InStyle before him, the brown-headed Guy Fieri let everyone know that in a few months Jessica Biel’s body will eject a baby that will be all ass and Ramen hair. Joey EXCLUSIVELY told InTouch that he’s known about the TimberFetus for a long time now.

“He told me a while ago, and I kept my mouth shut,” Joey says in the new issue of ‘In Touch.’ “But now I can talk about it!”

And though Justin and Jessica have kept mum on the subject, Joey is confident they’re more than ready to become parents. “Jessica is awesome, and Justin is a kid at heart,” he adds. “[They’ll have] fun.”

If JT is pissed that Joey Fat One is blabbing about his oh-so-private private life, he shouldn’t be. JT thinks he’s too good for an NSYNC reunion tour, so how else is Joey supposed to get money? Being the guest host of The Price Is Right Live! show at Bally’s in Las Vegas only pays so much (and by “so much” I do mean drink tickets and a free dinner at the buffet). Joey has no choice but to trade info about the most famous NSYNCer for a check made out to cash from InTouch Weekly. You did this to yourself, JT!

And here’s JT and Jay-Z leaving Taylor Swift’s apartment in NYC yesterday. Are they doing a song together? Did they have a spit roast threesome? Or did Jay-Z and JT come over to make Christmas cookies in her Easy Bake oven while singing along to the Chipmunks Christmas album? This is Tay Tay we’re talking about. It’s the last one.

Pics: Splash

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