Archives: December 2014

Christmas Eve Crumbs

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

The Christmas Unicorn Empress of Aspen is finally spreading the holiday glitter in Colorado! What a wonderful holiday it will be for the bodyguards who have to spend their Christmas helping Mimi navigate the land in her sensible snow shoes – Lainey Gossip 

Ralphie from A Christmas Story looks awful! – WWTDD

Harvey Weinstein wants Today to apologize to Amy Adams for kicking her off the show. Matt Lauer was heard saying, “And I want the entire crew of Today to magically turn into pretty 20-something ladies who won’t sue me for harassment when I bone them in my office during commercial breaks. It’s fun to want!” – Celebitchy

The Love Magazine advent video calendar is finally over and thankfully for our eyeballs it didn’t end with another video starring a Kartrashian - Drunken Stepfather

When Teresa Giudice goes to the chokey, she apparently wants to hire a nanny to take care of her daughters. Good luck finding a nanny who will work for zero dollars and eye fucks from Juicy Joe  - Reality Tea

A Marvel Vs. DC trailer exists because nerds – The Superficial 

Dakota Fanning wasted an opportunity to subtly flip off the paps – Popoholic

FYI: The Silver Fox doesn’t want to fuck Kelly Ripa and her penis head belly button – Towleroad

What in the hell kind of GD outfit is Rita Ora wearing? – Hollywood Tuna 

If you want to remember what you were like the first time you did coke, here you go – The Berry 

Wait, who says the original Pink Flamingos isn’t family friendly? – Jezebel

Some British chick has come forward claiming that she’s the Teletubbies sun baby. Uh huh and I was the inspiration for Orko from He-ManOMG Blog

All hail, Peter Jackson, Lord of Bitch Please – Pajiba

Here I am spending a piece of my Christmas looking for peen print while watching The Rock sing carols in a onesie – SOW

Here I am spending a piece of my Christmas  looking for peen print while watching John Krasinski dance in a baggy Santa suit – Popsugar

You can now watch The Interview EVERYWHERE – Just Jared

Meanwhile, Blue Ivy Carter was in her chalet, throwing money into the fireplace to stay warm while one of her handmaidens spoon-fed her hot chocolate imported from Switzerland – HuffPo

Pic: FameFlynet

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The CAPTION THIS Contest (With Prize) For December 24th!

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Since this is the second to last CAPTION THIS Contest of the year, the winner and upvote winner will get an actual prize in addition to winning the illustrious title of CT co-winner for December 24th. The winner and upvote winner will each get an empty bottle of Phoebe’s Phantasy (and yes it’s empty because I used it all). No, each winner will get a $50 Amazon e-card, which I’ll email to the address in your Disqus profile. The winners will be crowned on Monday. Happy captioning!

Pic: Imgur

Meet The Dog In Brazil Who Ran Alongside An Ambulance Carrying His Human

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

And here’s a story to slightly melt your frozen vodka cube of a dead heart on the day before Jesus’ born day…..

The New York Daily News brought us this video and story from Brazil of a run-or-die dog friend who chased after an ambulance that was carrying his human. The NYDN says that the dog’s human had a seizure and when an ambulance showed up to take him to the hospital, the devoted dog didn’t want to leave him. The ambulance took off and so did the dog. Celiomar Ferreira do Couto, the paramedic who shot the video, says that the dog ran alongside the ambulance until they stopped and picked him up after realizing he wasn’t going to give up. Once they got to the hospital, the dog stuck by his human’s side. Celiomar said that they were all touched by the dog’s devotion to his human:

“We arrive in events sometimes and have animals that are shy, do not let us get close. But not this reaction. You get touched by the situation, right? Because (it shows) the love the animal has for the owner.”

The hospital hasn’t said how the patient is doing.

That dog must be the Brazilian cousin of Buddy, the dog from Texas from hitched a ride on the outside step of the ambulance carrying his human. Dogs really are the best, but with that said, my dog would never turn into Usain Bolt for me. The only way he’d chase after an ambulance if it was full of bacon and the only way he’d stick by my sick side if I owed him money. He’s a cat when it comes to shit involving using energy.

Here’s the video which might make you feel things. It’s best if you play it on mute while listening to Whitney Houston’s “Run To You.”

I hope that when that dog got on the ambulance, he slapped those paramedics down for making his ass run that far before helping a bitch out.

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Open Post: Hosted By Prince Hot Ginge’s Belly Button

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m slightly pissed off at Prince Hot Ginge. If these pictures came out a couple of days ago, my title could’ve been: Christmas Has Come Early And So Have I. He’s so selfish sometimes. But seriously…

Because he has such a charitable soul and a giving heart, Britain’s hottest benefits scrounger spent his Christmas Eve Day getting sweaty while handling balls with a bunch of dudes (including Duchess Kate’s brother) in a charity match at THE QUEEN’S Sandringham Estate in Norfolk, England. This Christmas, I asked for some sweaty ball-handling time with PHG, but that isn’t going to happen. Maybe next year. But I did get the gift of these pictures of his belly button and his knees looking like he just finished giving a beej behind the bushes in a park at midnight after it rained. I’ll take it.

Merry Gingemas to us all!

Pics: AP, FameFlynet

So, This Is Rihanna’s Christmas Tree…

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Or so Rihanna says. Princess Ooh-Na-Na posted several pictures of what she claims is her Christmas Tree to Instagram, and by all accounts it appears to be a Christmas Tree. There are presents. There are stockings (poor Debbie and her tiny-ass stocking. Robyn, you rude). It’s sparkly. But other than that, I’m not sure it’s actually a Christmas Tree. It looks more like a futuristic butt plug made by H. R. Giger for a giant alien robot, or a self-reflection seclusion tower from the Scientology Celebrity Center, or what a colorblind person sees when they look at Sandra Lee’s shitty Heirloom Noel Cake. Regardless, it’s glittery and huge and I’m sure the ghost of Goth Liberace is gagging over it.

As much as her Christmas Tree looks like The Iron Giant’s dick, RiRi has the right idea. RiRi doesn’t have to worry about any of her drunk friends pulling a Kiefer Sutherland and falling into her tree. She doesn’t have to worry about stepping barefoot in a pile of sap-covered needles or worse, on a glass ornament. Plus, when January rolls around, she doesn’t even have to take it down; she can just flip it on it’s side and say it’s a piece of modern art.

Then again, maybe this thing isn’t even for Christmas; maybe it’s the weed-fueled spaceship RiRi rode to earth in. Yeah, that’s got to be it. Here’s more of RiRi the Red-Eyed Reindeer and her spaceship before she started grinding against it while pretending to suck off a candy cane (you KNOW she did).

Pics: Rihanna

Presenting The Royal Twins Of Monaco

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Princess Charlene is my family members, because after spending two whole days with me for Christmas, they’ll have the same exhausted “forcing a fake smile to hide how over it I am” look on their faces.

That baby prince in blue is me, because after spending two whole days with my family, I’ll be as stoned as he looks in that picture.

And no, I can’t with Prince Albert matching the tree.

Two weeks ago, Princess Charlene did the Carlton Dance of victory when she birthed out twins, because she fulfilled her job requirement, had two babies and no longer has to get shot up with a turkey baster full of Prince Albert’s man chowder. Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Peen released the first pictures of their newborn twins, Princess Gabrielle and the future king Prince Jacques, and she looks like she’s going through it. And Hayden Pantyairs thinks she’s turned out, put out and in a constant state of confusion? Look at Princess Charlene. But I guess all of us would look that exhausted too if twins were pulled out of our body and we couldn’t even piss without a royal guard escorting us to the toilet because the royal family is afraid we’ll pull some Not Without My Daughter shit by smuggling our children out of the country.

Prince Pierced Peen tells Paris Match (via People) that he was in the delivery room during the birth of his third and fourth child:

“I was present in the operating room and assisted at their birth. I helped my wife as I could – that’s to say, by my presence. It was wonderful. I don’t have the words to describe how it felt then or the deep joy I feel now. Having children – and twins at that – is an extraordinary experience. It’s unique. And it’s a challenge for us as parents.”

That’s one way of saying, “I was in a hotel room miles away snorting blow off of a call girl’s cooch lips, but I checked in through Skype once.

No, they are one big, happy royal family. Just look at Princess Charlene’s smile!

princesscharlenenewbornbabies2

The twins will officially be presented to the people of Monaco (yes, that’s a thing that happens today in real-life) on January 7th. I can’t wait to see if they’re going to show Baby Prince George up in the lace gown game. If you want to see more pictures of these newborns looking like newborns, click here and here.

Pics: Paris Match/Getty

And Now For Hayden Panettiere’s Description Of Her Body After Giving Birth

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

What better way to celebrate the night Santa pushes a 200lb bag of presents down your tiny-ass chimney than by talking about miniature dollhouse human Hayden Panettiere pushing her giant fiance Wladimir Klitschko’s baby out of her small person parts. Merry Christmas! It’s time to talk about wrecked pussies! During an interview with People about her new baby Kaya, 5-feet-tall Hayden confessed that she’s still getting used to her body ever since it pushed out a 7lb, 14oz 20-inch-long baby almost two weeks ago:

“I’m limping around. I’m still trying to figure out what [pregnancy] has done to my body, how it’s changed it. What’s temporary and what’s permanent. I feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs, you know — please tell me this is temporary! But I know some things will never be the same again.”

You’d think that fucking a giant would have prepared her for pushing out a burrito-sized child from her down-lows, but I guess nothing really prepares your pussy for that. All I know is that the only time I’ve ever come close to ripping apart my lady parts was the time I accidentally used an extra super absorbancy tampon from one of those machines at the mall and it literally felt like I was shoving a rolled-up beach towel up there. That was 6 years ago, and my googe still hasn’t forgiven me. It brings it up all the time. So to say that I’m terrified of the idea of giving birth is an understatement. I was a 10lb baby! And just like that, my vagina hissed “oh, fuck that” and bought a one-way ticket to Tijuana.

And what does it mean if you feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs and you haven’t given birth to a giant baby? Is that something I should be asking my doctor about? Eh, it’s probably fine.

Pic: Wladimir Klitschko

Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Runyon, Fake Cindy from 1988′s A Very Brady Christmas Special!

Geri Reischl, Fake Jan from The Brady Bunch Hour, is the most famous fakes of the Fake Bradys (Jan, Marcia and Cindy) and she gets all the fake Brady glory, but on this Christmas Eve Day we honor Jennifer Runyon who was Fake Cindy in the Brady Christmas TV movie. Susan Olsen was the only original cast member who skipped out on filming A Very Brady Christmas and Wikipedia says it’s because she was on her honeymoon during production. “She was on her honeymoon” sounds like a very sweet way of saying “She wanted more money and those bitches wouldn’t pay up.

Jennifer Runyon was brought in to replace Susan Olsen as Cindy Brady. Up until then, Jennifer did a lot of TV work including a few episodes of Another World and she was Scott Baio’s girlfriend in the first season of Charles In Charge. In A Very Brady Christmas, Mike and Carol can’t agree on where to go for the holidays, so they decide instead to use the vacation money they’ve saved up to fly all of their brat ass, ungrateful kids home for Christmas. None of the Brady kids are into it because their lives are a mess.

Cindy is at college and since she’s lived her life in the shadows of her older brothers and sisters, she’s trying to be independent and shit and has made plans to go skiing in Aspen for Christmas. But we all know the real reason why Fake Cindy doesn’t want to go home for Christmas. It’s because she’s Fake Cindy! She Talented Mr. Ripley’d the real Cindy Brady by killing her and living her life. They don’t tell us this, but they also don’t explain why Cindy has a new face and no lisp.

All the Brady kids go back home and nobody notices that Cindy is a fraud! But in their defense, it’s not like they paid attention to Cindy growing up. Cindy could’ve been played a dog painted up as a panda and they still wouldn’t notice. Poor Cindy! Fake Cindy is the only one who has a heart, though. When Mike Brady gets trapped in a building he designed after it collapses due to the shitty work of a shady businessman, Fake Cindy is the only one who physically consoles Carol Brady and she does it while wearing one of the uniforms that Sue Ellen designed in Don’t Tell Mom The Baby Sitter’s Dead.

Let Carol and Fake Cindy serenade you on this Christmas Eve Day:

Viva Fake Cindy!

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Birthday Sluts

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Ricky Martin (43)
Louis Tomlinson (23)
Robert Schwartzman (32)
Michael Raymond-James (37)
Ryan Seacrest (40)
Stephenie Meyer (41)
Amaury Nolasco (44)
Mark Valley (50)
Mary Ramsey of 10,000 Maniacs (51)
Kate Spade (52)
Lee Daniels (55)
Anil Kapoor (58)
Mary Higgins Clark (87)

Pic: Instagram

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