Archives: December 2014

Cristiano Ronaldo’s Statue Has A Big Bronze Bulge

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

We all know that Portuguese football star Cristian Ronaldo has a special fascination with bulges…

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So of course his statue is going to come complete with a massive bulge that’s perfect for a family of pigeons to perch on during a sunny day (or to gather under during a rainy day).

On Sunday, the deep fried piece of pure muscle known as Cristian Ronaldo celebrated himself in his hometown of Funchal on the island of Madeira, Portugal by erecting a giant 10-foot statue in his likeness. The statue is part of the museum that was opened by him and is dedicated to him. Nobody loves Crispy Ronaldo more than Crispy Ronaldo loves Crispy Ronaldo and I’m okay with that. Because if Crispy Ronaldo didn’t have a major, leaky boner for himself, we might not have this beautiful statue of him and his dick. I kind of feel bad for that statue, though. It’s standing over Crispy Ronaldo and it can’t physically kneel down to gently lay its bronze dick on his head. That’s a bitch.

But you know, maybe that’s not a dick on Crispy’s statue. Maybe that’s the bottle of vegetable oil he keeps in his shorts so he’ll always be able to maintain his greasy glow.

Whatever the case may be, I’d hit it. Crispy and his statue.

Pics: AP, Getty

Night Crumbs

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

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When Mimi and Lady CaCa came together, they took a horrifying picture that makes them look like they’re about to gnaw on our throats while loving every second of it. Throw the holy water at them and ruuuuuuun – SOW

FYI: Robert Pattinson and FKA Twigs are that couple who causes a mass eye rolling situation by being all gross and lovey in public – Lainey Gossip

Jena Malone loved being homeless – Celebitchy

I wasn’t planning on doing E again anytime soon, but thanks to this annoying Christmas video starring Miley Cyrus, I’ll never do it again – Drunken Stepfather

Joanna Krupa calls Brandi Glanville trailer trash for continuing to make jokes about her low tide-scented chocha. Those two pristine roses should really join forces to write dialogue for Downton Abbey because they are that refined and sophisticated  - Reality Tea 

Close your mouth and take a seat in the back, Jessica Simpson, because Stevie Nicks you ain’t – The Superficial 

Here’s a post that will remind you that out in the world there are queef-brained morons who like to spend their money on stupid shit (and yes, I may or may not have typed that 10 minutes after buying an autographed Donna Mills picture on eBay) – IDLYTW

Get this pooch on Dancing with the Stars, because: 1) He’s a STAR which is more than I can say for 99% of the hos on that show and; 2) He has seriously sweet moves. – Hollywood Tuna

TLC introduces us to a bunch of gay Mormon dudes who are married to women and can probably be found on any given Saturday night tap dancing for dick in a public bathroom in Salt Lake City – Towleroad

The Directioners need to be directed to the nearest Valium dispenser – Jezebel

Oh, Kate Beckinsale had one of those days where she forgot to take her robe off before leaving the house – Popoholic

Ryan Seacrest needs to make an emergency trip to Barbados to tickle Simon Cowell’s furry empanadas tits because they’re looking kind of sad and depressed. I guess breastfeeding does that – WWTDD

As always, Detective La Toya and her tasteful and delicate engagement ring WINS! – The Berry

And here’s the commercial for the Broadway-bound production of Gigi starring Vanessa Hudgens as Holly Golightly – HuffPo

If World War III starts because of a James Franco and Seth Rogen movie, we should all build a giant slingshot and shoot ourselves off of the planet – Pajiba

Margaret Cho and her husband are over – ICYDK

Gaspard Ulliel’s peen looks like this in case you’ve been wondering and yes, I’ve been wondering since I wonder what every dude’s peen looks like – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Shouldn’t there be a law that states when Joe ManJello is at the beach he must be topless and oiled up? – Popsugar

While watching the trailer for Focus, I twisted my brain from trying to picture Kristen Stewart in the Margot Robbie role – Just Jared

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By Jan Terri As The Virgin Mary

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Leave it to the legendary chanteuse and former HSOTW Jan Terri to tell the real story of the birth of the baby Jesus in a video for her 90s disco version of “Ave Maria.” Religious historians who have spent decades studying the birth of Jesus need to wipe away everything they’ve learned and have a seat, because Jan Terri is here to teach them exactly how it went down.

One day as the Virgin Terri prayed in the middle of a computerized village that looked like the old world version of Myst, a cigar-smoking, Al Bundy-like angel descended from the heavens and gave her a CASE OF THE BABIES by hitting her belly with some hot pink bacon rays. Months later, the Virgin Terri and a friend walked through the desert while she wore a pink Snuggie she bought at a Black Friday sale at Linens ‘N Things. (Yes, Black Friday existed before Christmas.) The Virgin Terri eventually made it to the manger where she gave birth to a baby doll she named Jesus. She celebrated the birth of our messiah by dancing with her bass-playing friend. The Virgin Terri didn’t have time for motherly stuff because she had to spread peace in the world. She ascended up into space and stopped a war and destroyed satellites with hot pink bacon rays that shot out of her hands. That is the real story. Behold:

Thank you, Jan Terri, for blessing us with the true story of Christmas! And thank you lord for the gift of Jan Terri!

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Casey Kasem’s Body Has FINALLY Been Buried

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

After more than six months since he sailed up to Heaven on the sound of his own smooth voice and five months since his body was declared missing, TMZ says Casey Kasem has finally been buried. Normally when a person passes away, their family will make plans to have the body buried or cremated or blasted into outer space on a rocket. But if the deceased person’s family happens to be a bunch of dramatic messes who hate each other, like Casey Kasem’s crazy butter-colored wife Jean and his daughter Kerri, then there’s a greater chance they’ll put the burial on hold and fight over where to bury the body instead. And in true messy family drama fashion, Jean went ahead and had Casey’s body buried in Norway like she wanted he wanted last Tuesday without telling his children.

You’d think that burying a body that has been decomposing for six months would be a good thing, but it sounds like it might have been a bit of a shady move on Jean’s part. According to TMZ, the LAPD are still conducting an investigation into claims made by Casey Kasem’s kids that he was a victim of elder abuse, but it’s going to be pretty difficult to have the body exhumed now that it’s buried in foreign soil. And even if they do get the OK from Norway to dig Casey’s body up, Jean never had it embalmed, which means that whatever bedsores he may or may not have had will be long gone. And just like that, Jean’s portrait was moved from the Gold Digger Hall of Fame to the Gold Digger Basement of Oh Hell No.

Regardless of how much side-eye we’re throwing waaaay up high to Jean for how she did it, at least Casey Kasem’s body is in its final resting place. Which is a good thing, because he’ll no doubt need lots of rest in preparation for the lifetime of haunting his ghost is going to give Jean for letting his body decompose for half a year.

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And So The Jolie Vs. Aniston Awards Season Foolery Begins!

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Aniston reportedly hired Oscar campaign strategist Lisa Taback to change her official title from “sad and lonely™ Jennifer Aniston” to “Oscar-nominated sad and lonely™ Jennifer Aniston.” Well, Jennifer might want to get some of her deposit back, because Lisa Taback should’ve told her that if she wants to win the popularly contest known as the Oscars, she better sign as many autographs as possible.

One source tells Page Six that St. Angie Jolie is becoming the generous, selfless sweetheart of awards season while Jennifer Aniston is becoming the grouchy bitch of awards season. The source says that at a screening for Unbroken at the DGA Theater in NYC on December 5th, St. Angie Jolie spent 10 full minutes of her life signing autographs and posing with the Brangeloonies. Once the screening was over, she came out in the rain and continued to sign autographs for 10 more minutes. I’m surprised that she didn’t use her saintly powers to stop the rain and spin the Earth until the sun came out so she could sign autographs in the sunshine as the birds made flower crowns for Oscar voters and her fans. She’s probably saving that move for the week before the Oscar voting deadline.

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Random, Thy Name Is Harry Styles Dancing With Kristen Wiig At An SNL Afterparty

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Poor Kristen Wiig; little does she know that she’s 24-hours away from receiving a box containing the severed head of a Peppermint Rose doll along with a letter written in pink glitter gel pen on monogrammed stationery that says “STAY AWAY, BITCH xoxo Tay Tay“. No, I’m sure Taylor Swift doesn’t care about Harry Styles anymore; he’s been out of her current famous friendship roster for a while.

But back to Kristen and Harry. UsWeekly says that it all happened at a Saturday Night Live afterparty early Sunday morning. Harry was there because One Direction was this week’s musical guest, and Kristen was there because it’s the holiday season and she thought she’d do a little charity work by making a cameo in a sketch or two. Well, we all know that weird stuff happens when you mix work colleagues and booze and Saturday nights, so naturally 20-year-old Harry would grab 41-year-old Kristen Wiig and start dirty dancing to “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” during the afterparty. And thankfully, it was all caught on video, because who of us wouldn’t want to see Kristen Wiig do the Kristen Wiig Shoulder Shruggy Dance with one of the barely-legal tricks from One Direction?

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Joe Cocker Has Died

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Joe Cocker, the raspy voice of a several generations is now in heaven where the eagles fly and he’ll never have to hear the joke, “Cocker? I hardly know her!“ BBC News says that Joe died at his ranch in Crawford, Colorado. Joe reportedly died from lung cancer. He was 70.

During his 50+ year career, the British legend won a Grammy for “Up Where We Belong,” the duet he did with Jennifer Warnes for An Officer and a Gentlemen. The song also won an Oscar. Joe’s first hit was in 1968 when he covered the Beatles’ “With A Little Help My From Friends.” Us children of the 80s know that song as the Wonder Years theme song. He had several other hits including “You Are So Beautiful To Me” and the iconic stripper anthem “You Can Leave Your Hat On.” (Side note: I was once on a date at a bar when “You Can Leave Your Hat On” started playing and the dude I was with said to me, “Is this about safe sex?” It does sound like it’s about safe sex. That song was truly ahead of its time!)

In 2007, Joe Cocker was awarded the OBE from Buckingham Palace. His last album “Fire It Up” was released in 2012. Joe Cocker’s agent Barrie Marshall released this statement:

“He was without the doubt the greatest rock/soul voice ever to come out of Britain- and remained the same man throughout his life. Hugely talented, a true star, but a kind and humble man who loved to perform. Anyone who ever saw him live will never forget him.”

Joe is survived by his wife of 27 years, his brother, his step-daughter and his two grandchildren.

Rest in peace, Joe Cocker.

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Putting The Banal In Balmain

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

So I guess Riccardo had pineapple for lunch,” said Kim Kartrashian to Kanye West after smelling his breath while taking that picture.

Speaking of Riccardo Tisci, he’s probably doing the open-mouth silent cry of pain while slowly sliding down a wall, because his boo Kanye West has cheated on Givenchy with that fashion home-wrecking slut whore tramp hussy skank Balmain. Balmain let it be known today that they’re targeting the overused ass dildo demographic by making Kimye the face of their Spring 2015 menswear campaign. They look about as alive as a dried dingle clinging to a used piece of toilet paper discarded in the stall trash can of a rest stop bathroom. So what I’m saying is that they look more alive than usual.

On a positive note, it was very brave of Kummy Kakes to give us a glimpse of a fame whore succubus ritual. In the picture above, Kim is showing us the moment when a Kartrashian unlocks her jaws and swallows her victim whole before spitting out his soulless carcass. Yeah, so that’s why that picture seems so familiar to Bruce Jenner.

There’s three more pictures after the cut if you’ve got enough strength in your eye-rolling muscle.

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Madonna Has Been Living In A “State Of Terror” Since Her Album Leaked, According To Madonna

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Last week, several unfinished tracks from Madonna’s latest album were leaked onto the internet by someone or someones who just couldn’t wait ’till next year to hear the auto-tuned warbles of a perpetually-horny memaw. And according to Madonna, she’s been living in a “state of terror” ever since. Madonna tells The Guardian (in her best put-upon British accent, no doubt) that she doesn’t regret describing the leaking of her tracks as a form of terrorism and “artistic rape“, because those awful track-stealing tricks “violated” her when they released her new music without her permission:

“Obviously there is a person, or a group of people behind this that were essentially terrorising me. I don’t want to sound alarming, but certainly that’s how I felt. It’s one thing if someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that’s also a violation, but, your work, as an artist, that’s devastating.”

“I’m an artistic person, I’m very expressive. I’m sorry if words alarm people, but that’s what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say ‘hey, here’s my music, and it’s finished.’ It was theft.”

Madonna’s new album Rebel Heart wasn’t scheduled to be released until March, but since the hackers already ruined the surprise by leaking most of it, she went ahead and released six finished tracks to iTunes on Saturday, as well as the album art (seen above). Maybe that explains why she’s been living in a state of terror since the leaks; she was terrified her minions hadn’t finished Photoshopping the hell out of her face for the album art yet. “You fools! I barely look 29!

Pic: Instagram

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