Archives: December 2014

Random, Thy Name Is Harry Styles Dancing With Kristen Wiig At An SNL Afterparty

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Poor Kristen Wiig; little does she know that she’s 24-hours away from receiving a box containing the severed head of a Peppermint Rose doll along with a letter written in pink glitter gel pen on monogrammed stationery that says “STAY AWAY, BITCH xoxo Tay Tay“. No, I’m sure Taylor Swift doesn’t care about Harry Styles anymore; he’s been out of her current famous friendship roster for a while.

But back to Kristen and Harry. UsWeekly says that it all happened at a Saturday Night Live afterparty early Sunday morning. Harry was there because One Direction was this week’s musical guest, and Kristen was there because it’s the holiday season and she thought she’d do a little charity work by making a cameo in a sketch or two. Well, we all know that weird stuff happens when you mix work colleagues and booze and Saturday nights, so naturally 20-year-old Harry would grab 41-year-old Kristen Wiig and start dirty dancing to “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” during the afterparty. And thankfully, it was all caught on video, because who of us wouldn’t want to see Kristen Wiig do the Kristen Wiig Shoulder Shruggy Dance with one of the barely-legal tricks from One Direction?

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Joe Cocker Has Died

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Joe Cocker, the raspy voice of a several generations is now in heaven where the eagles fly and he’ll never have to hear the joke, “Cocker? I hardly know her!“ BBC News says that Joe died at his ranch in Crawford, Colorado. Joe reportedly died from lung cancer. He was 70.

During his 50+ year career, the British legend won a Grammy for “Up Where We Belong,” the duet he did with Jennifer Warnes for An Officer and a Gentlemen. The song also won an Oscar. Joe’s first hit was in 1968 when he covered the Beatles’ “With A Little Help My From Friends.” Us children of the 80s know that song as the Wonder Years theme song. He had several other hits including “You Are So Beautiful To Me” and the iconic stripper anthem “You Can Leave Your Hat On.” (Side note: I was once on a date at a bar when “You Can Leave Your Hat On” started playing and the dude I was with said to me, “Is this about safe sex?” It does sound like it’s about safe sex. That song was truly ahead of its time!)

In 2007, Joe Cocker was awarded the OBE from Buckingham Palace. His last album “Fire It Up” was released in 2012. Joe Cocker’s agent Barrie Marshall released this statement:

“He was without the doubt the greatest rock/soul voice ever to come out of Britain- and remained the same man throughout his life. Hugely talented, a true star, but a kind and humble man who loved to perform. Anyone who ever saw him live will never forget him.”

Joe is survived by his wife of 27 years, his brother, his step-daughter and his two grandchildren.

Rest in peace, Joe Cocker.

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Putting The Banal In Balmain

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

So I guess Riccardo had pineapple for lunch,” said Kim Kartrashian to Kanye West after smelling his breath while taking that picture.

Speaking of Riccardo Tisci, he’s probably doing the open-mouth silent cry of pain while slowly sliding down a wall, because his boo Kanye West has cheated on Givenchy with that fashion home-wrecking slut whore tramp hussy skank Balmain. Balmain let it be known today that they’re targeting the overused ass dildo demographic by making Kimye the face of their Spring 2015 menswear campaign. They look about as alive as a dried dingle clinging to a used piece of toilet paper discarded in the stall trash can of a rest stop bathroom. So what I’m saying is that they look more alive than usual.

On a positive note, it was very brave of Kummy Kakes to give us a glimpse of a fame whore succubus ritual. In the picture above, Kim is showing us the moment when a Kartrashian unlocks her jaws and swallows her victim whole before spitting out his soulless carcass. Yeah, so that’s why that picture seems so familiar to Bruce Jenner.

There’s three more pictures after the cut if you’ve got enough strength in your eye-rolling muscle.

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Madonna Has Been Living In A “State Of Terror” Since Her Album Leaked, According To Madonna

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Last week, several unfinished tracks from Madonna’s latest album were leaked onto the internet by someone or someones who just couldn’t wait ’till next year to hear the auto-tuned warbles of a perpetually-horny memaw. And according to Madonna, she’s been living in a “state of terror” ever since. Madonna tells The Guardian (in her best put-upon British accent, no doubt) that she doesn’t regret describing the leaking of her tracks as a form of terrorism and “artistic rape“, because those awful track-stealing tricks “violated” her when they released her new music without her permission:

“Obviously there is a person, or a group of people behind this that were essentially terrorising me. I don’t want to sound alarming, but certainly that’s how I felt. It’s one thing if someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that’s also a violation, but, your work, as an artist, that’s devastating.”

“I’m an artistic person, I’m very expressive. I’m sorry if words alarm people, but that’s what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say ‘hey, here’s my music, and it’s finished.’ It was theft.”

Madonna’s new album Rebel Heart wasn’t scheduled to be released until March, but since the hackers already ruined the surprise by leaking most of it, she went ahead and released six finished tracks to iTunes on Saturday, as well as the album art (seen above). Maybe that explains why she’s been living in a state of terror since the leaks; she was terrified her minions hadn’t finished Photoshopping the hell out of her face for the album art yet. “You fools! I barely look 29!

Pic: Instagram

Natalie Portman Says That Nobody Wanted To Work With Her After Star Wars

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

For their 10th annual “Reasons to love New York” issue, several famous types recently spoke to New York magazine about working with late director Mike Nichols, one of which was Natalie Portman. Natalie confessed that after she appeared as Padme Amidala in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, it almost killed her career because everyone thought she stunk up the screen with her crappy acting (which isn’t really fair, since everyone stunk up the screen in those awful, terrible movies) and that without the help of Mike Nichols – who directed her in the play The Seagull – there’s a good chance she might currently be starring in a direct-to-Redbox rip-off of Sharknado called Weather-Based Airborne Shark Attack.

Star Wars had come out around the time of Seagull, and everyone thought I was a horrible actress. I was in the biggest-grossing movie of the decade, and no director wanted to work with me. Mike wrote a letter to Anthony Minghella and said, “Put her in Cold Mountain, I vouch for her.” And then Anthony passed me on to Tom Tykwer, who passed me on to the Wachowskis. I worked with Milos Forman a few years later. He said, “Mike saved me. He wrote a letter so that I could get asylum in the U.S.” He did that for 50 people, and it doesn’t make any one of us feel less special.”

Part of me feels bad for Natalie Portman, because even Star Wars fans refuse to acknowledge the existence of the Star Wars prequels (I myself like to pretend it was all just a terrible CGI dream I had once), so it’s too bad that Hollywood wouldn’t do the same and forgive her for such a crappy mess. Maybe that’s why Mike Nichols was so eager to help – because he was a Star Wars fan, and he just felt so bad watching her act opposite a damp piece of driftwood (Hayden Christensen) and a rotten Twizzler (Jar Jar Binks). “It’s not her fault! If George Lucas backed a dump truck full of money into your driveway, you’d probably agree to it too!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Alex, Benjy the Gay Bull’s possible new boyfriend!

Former HSOTD Benjy the Gay Bull was saved from the slaughterhouse last month after animal activists and Sam Simon, the co-creator of The Simpsons, bought him from the farmer who was going to turn him into food after he wouldn’t bareback bone lady cows. Benjy was more interested in getting sexy with the bulls. Since the farmer in Mayo County, Ireland bought him to breed, he had no use for him so he was headed to heaven before he was saved by Sam Simon. Benjy was sent to live at the Hillside Animal Sanctuary in Northfolk, England where he can be free and gay.

BBC News says that the Hillside Animal Sanctuary is turning out to be the gay bull wonderland Benjy hoped it would be. Within minutes of his hooves touching the ground at Hillside, his eyeballs filled with hearts when he first saw a young piece named Alex. A rep for the sanctuary says that Benjy and 1-year-old Alex have become fast friends. Who knew that Benjy’s a twink-loving bull daddy?

The rep went on to say that she doesn’t know if he’s really gay (Shut up, rep, you don’t know what you’re talking about!), but that he’s loving life with his new bovine friends.

“We don’t know whether or not Benjy is really ‘gay’ but the fact that somebody thought he was, has certainly saved his life! We were so pleased to give him a home for life at the Sanctuary.”

If Benjy and Alex want to consummate their love, they better get it in quick, because Benjy’s scheduled to get his balls chopped off real soon. The sanctuary castrates all bulls to reduce testosterone levels.

Oh Benjy, shouldn’t let that bother him. Fucking is overrated (Side whisper: I don’t mean that AT ALL, I’m just trying to make Benjy feel better) and they can still lick each other’s no-nut spots. Besides, many relationships eventually enter that phase where non-stop hot fucking is replaced with sharing a tub of Edy’s ice cream on the sofa while watching a Tiny House Hunters marathon. Benjy and Alex are getting to that phase a little quicker than usual, that’s all.

Here’s to Benjy and his new bovinefriend Alex!

benjysmanhsotd2

That picture has more love and passion in it than Lance Bass’ wedding announcement picture.

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Birthday Sluts

December 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Diane Sawyer (69)
Ali Lohan (21)
Meghan Trainor (21)
Jordin Sparks (25)
Jennifer Hawkins (31)
Chris Carmack (34)
Mia Tyler (36)
Heather Donahue (40)
Vanessa Paradis (42)
Dina Meyer (46)
Ralph Fiennes (52)
Luther Campbell (54)
Bern Nadette Stanis (61)
Hector Elizondo (78)

Pic: AP

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Open Post: Hosted By Marnie The Internet Famous Dog Going Christmas Shopping

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

And now here’s Marnie, the homeless Shih Tzu turned Instagram superstar with 784k followers, hobbling through Duane Reade while wearing a Santa Claus outfit. That 34 second long video is more entertaining and festive than the Grumpy Cat Christmas movie. But really, that scene seems way too familiar. That glazed lost look in her eyes…. That tongue hanging out… The heavy panting… The way she looks like she’s ready to collapse in the middle of the aisle and hold up a white flag… If she was snacking from a bag of Hot Fries she opened up before buying, she’d be me at Target yesterday.

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Amy Pascal Wants Idris Elba To Be The Next Bond

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

In “Something My Nipples And Sex Parts Really Want To Happen” news…

FINALLY, something feel goody (besides those saint-dragging emails, of course) has come out of this Sony Hacking ESCANDALO of 2014. Many of the hacked Sony e-mails were about the new James Bond movie and how thanks to its $300 million budget it might become the most expensive movie ever made. They barely started production on this one, but they’re already looking to future Bond movies. The Daily Beast says that in an e-mail from January, Sony co-chair Amy Pascal writes that she thinks Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Idris Elba should be the next James Bond when Daniel Craig’s contract is up. Daniel Craig is contracted for one more Bond movie after this Spectre shit.

An email sent on January 4, 2014, from Pascal to Elizabeth Cantillon, former executive vice president of production for Columbia Pictures, which distributes the Bond films, simply says, “Idris should be the next bond.”

Idris has said before that if he was offered Bond, he’d snatch it up fast.

If Idris Elba gets cast as James Bond, it’ll be the best move a studio has made since greenlighting Showgirls. Who cares if Idris Elba is 42 and will be close to kissing 50 by the time he’s James Bond, if he’s James Bond. Daniel Craig is 46 and will probably be a 50-something Bond himself. I’d watch Idris Elba as a 75-year-old James Bond and I’d still love seeing him catch the evil fucks while working a walker. But if Idris Elba plays James Bond, they’d have to change his agent code. He couldn’t be Agent 007. If those pictures he said weren’t of his dick really were of his dick, then he’d be Agent XX8andahalfmaybe9.

Since we’re on the subject of Bond dream casting, here’s my dream Bond girl Bai Ling giving you mystery and intrigue at some event in L.A. on  Thursday night.

Pics: Wenn.com

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