Since there’s a lot of sweet nectar to guzzle down, a lot of gay apparel to don and a lot of family fights to be had, Allison and I are taking the rest of Jesus’ born day off and we’ll be back tomorrow unless we have to run away from home after pushing a Christmas tree on our family members because we didn’t get them cha cha heels. Or get arrested after a cop catches us boning a trick we met on Tinder in the Jehovah’s Witness parking lot after midnight (it’s a holiday tradition).
So for now I leave with this perfect holiday portrait of the lighter to my black eyeliner pencil, Danny Trejo, ruling his kingdom on his throne while flashing his chest pies and working a Dallas Cowboys Santa hat, a pair of old-school creased baggy cholo jorts and white socks with black shoes. That IS the look of 2014. You better bow down to Trejo Claus before that white doggy-in-waiting cuts you, because she looks like she’s looking for a fight.
Merry Christmas, hos!
Black cha cha heels from my favorite holiday movie of them all, John Waters’ Female Trouble!
Merry Christmas, everyone! I haven’t opened presents yet, but all I can say is that I better get them cha cha heels! Black ones! If you already opened presents and you didn’t get them cha cha heels, black ones, then you’re probably not even reading this. You’re hitchhiking on the side of the road after you busted out into a cunt meltdown, called your mom an ugly witch, pushed the Christmas tree onto her, told your parents to fuck off and ran away from home. This masterpiece scene below perfectly captures the true spirit of Christmas.
I mean, Christmas is nothing without them cha cha heels. This would’ve never happened if they only got Dawn Davenport them cha cha heels. If Dawn Davenport got them cha cha heels, she would’ve finished high school, graduated from medical school and found the cure for all the diseases. Cha cha heels are the key to happiness and peace.
Hopefully this Christmas Day we’re all blessed with the greatest gift of all and the greatest gift of all is cha cha heels! Gimme gimme cha cha heels!
Annie Lennox (60)
Hailie Scott (19)
The Veronicas (30)
Armin van Buuren (38)
Rob Mariano (39)
Helena Christensen (46)
Alannah Myles (56)
Shane MacGowan (57)
CCH Pounder (62)
Karl Rove (64)
Sissy Spacek (65)
Barbara Mandrell (66)
Twink Caplan (67)
Jimmy Buffett (68)
The Christmas Unicorn Empress of Aspen is finally spreading the holiday glitter in Colorado! What a wonderful holiday it will be for the bodyguards who have to spend their Christmas helping Mimi navigate the land in her sensible snow shoes – Lainey Gossip
Ralphie from A Christmas Story looks awful! – WWTDD
Harvey Weinstein wants Today to apologize to Amy Adams for kicking her off the show. Matt Lauer was heard saying, “And I want the entire crew of Today to magically turn into pretty 20-something ladies who won’t sue me for harassment when I bone them in my office during commercial breaks. It’s fun to want!” – Celebitchy
The Love Magazine advent video calendar is finally over and thankfully for our eyeballs it didn’t end with another video starring a Kartrashian - Drunken Stepfather
When Teresa Giudice goes to the chokey, she apparently wants to hire a nanny to take care of her daughters. Good luck finding a nanny who will work for zero dollars and eye fucks from Juicy Joe - Reality Tea
A Marvel Vs. DC trailer exists because nerds – The Superficial
Dakota Fanning wasted an opportunity to subtly flip off the paps – Popoholic
FYI: The Silver Fox doesn’t want to fuck Kelly Ripa and her penis head belly button – Towleroad
What in the hell kind of GD outfit is Rita Ora wearing? – Hollywood Tuna
If you want to remember what you were like the first time you did coke, here you go – The Berry
Wait, who says the original Pink Flamingos isn’t family friendly? – Jezebel
Some British chick has come forward claiming that she’s the Teletubbies sun baby. Uh huh and I was the inspiration for Orko from He-Man – OMG Blog
All hail, Peter Jackson, Lord of Bitch Please – Pajiba
Here I am spending a piece of my Christmas looking for peen print while watching The Rock sing carols in a onesie – SOW
Here I am spending a piece of my Christmas looking for peen print while watching John Krasinski dance in a baggy Santa suit – Popsugar
You can now watch The Interview EVERYWHERE – Just Jared
Meanwhile, Blue Ivy Carter was in her chalet, throwing money into the fireplace to stay warm while one of her handmaidens spoon-fed her hot chocolate imported from Switzerland – HuffPo
Since this is the second to last CAPTION THIS Contest of the year, the winner and upvote winner will get an actual prize in addition to winning the illustrious title of CT co-winner for December 24th. The winner and upvote winner will each get an empty bottle of Phoebe’s Phantasy (and yes it’s empty because I used it all). No, each winner will get a $50 Amazon e-card, which I’ll email to the address in your Disqus profile. The winners will be crowned on Monday. Happy captioning!
And here’s a story to slightly melt your frozen vodka cube of a dead heart on the day before Jesus’ born day…..
The New York Daily News brought us this video and story from Brazil of a run-or-die dog friend who chased after an ambulance that was carrying his human. The NYDN says that the dog’s human had a seizure and when an ambulance showed up to take him to the hospital, the devoted dog didn’t want to leave him. The ambulance took off and so did the dog. Celiomar Ferreira do Couto, the paramedic who shot the video, says that the dog ran alongside the ambulance until they stopped and picked him up after realizing he wasn’t going to give up. Once they got to the hospital, the dog stuck by his human’s side. Celiomar said that they were all touched by the dog’s devotion to his human:
“We arrive in events sometimes and have animals that are shy, do not let us get close. But not this reaction. You get touched by the situation, right? Because (it shows) the love the animal has for the owner.”
The hospital hasn’t said how the patient is doing.
That dog must be the Brazilian cousin of Buddy, the dog from Texas from hitched a ride on the outside step of the ambulance carrying his human. Dogs really are the best, but with that said, my dog would never turn into Usain Bolt for me. The only way he’d chase after an ambulance if it was full of bacon and the only way he’d stick by my sick side if I owed him money. He’s a cat when it comes to shit involving using energy.
Here’s the video which might make you feel things. It’s best if you play it on mute while listening to Whitney Houston’s “Run To You.”
I hope that when that dog got on the ambulance, he slapped those paramedics down for making his ass run that far before helping a bitch out.
I’m slightly pissed off at Prince Hot Ginge. If these pictures came out a couple of days ago, my title could’ve been: Christmas Has Come Early And So Have I. He’s so selfish sometimes. But seriously…
Because he has such a charitable soul and a giving heart, Britain’s hottest benefits scrounger spent his Christmas Eve Day getting sweaty while handling balls with a bunch of dudes (including Duchess Kate’s brother) in a charity match at THE QUEEN’S Sandringham Estate in Norfolk, England. This Christmas, I asked for some sweaty ball-handling time with PHG, but that isn’t going to happen. Maybe next year. But I did get the gift of these pictures of his belly button and his knees looking like he just finished giving a beej behind the bushes in a park at midnight after it rained. I’ll take it.
Merry Gingemas to us all!
Pics: AP, FameFlynet
Or so Rihanna says. Princess Ooh-Na-Na posted several pictures of what she claims is her Christmas Tree to Instagram, and by all accounts it appears to be a Christmas Tree. There are presents. There are stockings (poor Debbie and her tiny-ass stocking. Robyn, you rude). It’s sparkly. But other than that, I’m not sure it’s actually a Christmas Tree. It looks more like a futuristic butt plug made by H. R. Giger for a giant alien robot, or a self-reflection seclusion tower from the Scientology Celebrity Center, or what a colorblind person sees when they look at Sandra Lee’s shitty Heirloom Noel Cake. Regardless, it’s glittery and huge and I’m sure the ghost of Goth Liberace is gagging over it.
As much as her Christmas Tree looks like The Iron Giant’s dick, RiRi has the right idea. RiRi doesn’t have to worry about any of her drunk friends pulling a Kiefer Sutherland and falling into her tree. She doesn’t have to worry about stepping barefoot in a pile of sap-covered needles or worse, on a glass ornament. Plus, when January rolls around, she doesn’t even have to take it down; she can just flip it on it’s side and say it’s a piece of modern art.
Then again, maybe this thing isn’t even for Christmas; maybe it’s the weed-fueled spaceship RiRi rode to earth in. Yeah, that’s got to be it. Here’s more of RiRi the Red-Eyed Reindeer and her spaceship before she started grinding against it while pretending to suck off a candy cane (you KNOW she did).
Princess Charlene is my family members, because after spending two whole days with me for Christmas, they’ll have the same exhausted “forcing a fake smile to hide how over it I am” look on their faces.
That baby prince in blue is me, because after spending two whole days with my family, I’ll be as stoned as he looks in that picture.
And no, I can’t with Prince Albert matching the tree.
Two weeks ago, Princess Charlene did the Carlton Dance of victory when she birthed out twins, because she fulfilled her job requirement, had two babies and no longer has to get shot up with a turkey baster full of Prince Albert’s man chowder. Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Peen released the first pictures of their newborn twins, Princess Gabrielle and the future king Prince Jacques, and she looks like she’s going through it. And Hayden Pantyairs thinks she’s turned out, put out and in a constant state of confusion? Look at Princess Charlene. But I guess all of us would look that exhausted too if twins were pulled out of our body and we couldn’t even piss without a royal guard escorting us to the toilet because the royal family is afraid we’ll pull some Not Without My Daughter shit by smuggling our children out of the country.
“I was present in the operating room and assisted at their birth. I helped my wife as I could – that’s to say, by my presence. It was wonderful. I don’t have the words to describe how it felt then or the deep joy I feel now. Having children – and twins at that – is an extraordinary experience. It’s unique. And it’s a challenge for us as parents.”
That’s one way of saying, “I was in a hotel room miles away snorting blow off of a call girl’s cooch lips, but I checked in through Skype once.”
No, they are one big, happy royal family. Just look at Princess Charlene’s smile!
The twins will officially be presented to the people of Monaco (yes, that’s a thing that happens today in real-life) on January 7th. I can’t wait to see if they’re going to show Baby Prince George up in the lace gown game. If you want to see more pictures of these newborns looking like newborns, click here and here.
Pics: Paris Match/Getty
What better way to celebrate the night Santa pushes a 200lb bag of presents down your tiny-ass chimney than by talking about miniature dollhouse human Hayden Panettiere pushing her giant fiance Wladimir Klitschko’s baby out of her small person parts. Merry Christmas! It’s time to talk about wrecked pussies! During an interview with People about her new baby Kaya, 5-feet-tall Hayden confessed that she’s still getting used to her body ever since it pushed out a 7lb, 14oz 20-inch-long baby almost two weeks ago:
“I’m limping around. I’m still trying to figure out what [pregnancy] has done to my body, how it’s changed it. What’s temporary and what’s permanent. I feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs, you know — please tell me this is temporary! But I know some things will never be the same again.”
You’d think that fucking a giant would have prepared her for pushing out a burrito-sized child from her down-lows, but I guess nothing really prepares your pussy for that. All I know is that the only time I’ve ever come close to ripping apart my lady parts was the time I accidentally used an extra super absorbancy tampon from one of those machines at the mall and it literally felt like I was shoving a rolled-up beach towel up there. That was 6 years ago, and my googe still hasn’t forgiven me. It brings it up all the time. So to say that I’m terrified of the idea of giving birth is an understatement. I was a 10lb baby! And just like that, my vagina hissed “oh, fuck that” and bought a one-way ticket to Tijuana.
And what does it mean if you feel like an 80-year-old woman trying to go down the stairs and you haven’t given birth to a giant baby? Is that something I should be asking my doctor about? Eh, it’s probably fine.
Pic: Wladimir Klitschko