I like to imagine that’s also the face he’ll make the first time the baby spits up on him. “Aw hell, this dashiki is dry clean only. I’m getting too old for this shit!” Luckily, Stevie Wonder only has to deal with one type of baby barf. Remember last month when there was a rumor going around that 64-year-old Stevie had knocked a set of triplets into his girlfriend Tomeeka Robyn Bracy, thus guaranteeing his induction into the Fertile Pepaw Hall of Fame? Well, it turns out the three babies were just one, and it’s here now.
Stevie’s rep has confirmed to UsWeekly that Stevie became a father for the 9th time when Tomeeka birthed a baby girl named Nia. This is his second baby with Tomeeka. Stevie’s rep says they chose the name Nia because it means ‘purpose’, and that it’s one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa. But I’m pretending they named her after high-waisted jeans inspiration Nia Long.
I know 64 is technically pretty old to be dealing with a newborn, but there’s got to be a couple silver linings. For instance, you never have to worry about the baby not letting you sleep in, since you’re already waking up at 4am every morning. You both have a mutual respect for the other when it comes to having a difficult time going to the bathroom, and you’re both always taking naps. Plus, whenever you want to leave a party early, you can blame it on the baby. Frankly, I can’t see any problems! What’s that you say? Being constantly tired? Oh…right.
Getting blindfolded commoner children to write the words ‘All Hail Queen Kate!’ from a piping bag full of mushy peas onto a deep fried haddock ball has always been one of her life’s small, guilty pleasures. – runic 2467
“Just apply the topping as I would with eyeliner, no that’s not enough.” – Tart of Darkness
Jordan James Parke, the delicate and demure British rosebud who injected gallons of fillers into his petals to look like his beauty idol Kim Kardashian. Err, Jordan James Parke looks more like the baby that was pulled out of Harald Glööckler’s ass 9 months after his rhinestone-covered ovary eggs (yes, Harald has rhinestone-covered ovary eggs) were inseminated with the essence of Kylie Jenner. In other words, JJP looks a million times more gorgeous, stunning and glamorous than the dumpster mannequin he idolizes!
Keith Richards (71)
Ashley Benson (25)
Tara Conner (29)
Josh Dallas (33)
Christina Aguilera (34)
Katie Holmes (36)
Sia Furler (39)
Trish Stratus (39)
Rah Digga (40)
Rob Van Dam (44)
Victoria Pratt (44)
Casper Van Dien (46)
Rachel Griffiths (46)
Stone Cold Steve Austin (50)
Brad Pitt (51)
Charles Oakley (51)
Ray Liotta (60)
Leonard Maltin (64)
Steven Spielberg (68)
Happy Hump Day! Here’s Zac Efron giving you “power bottom in a 70s gay porn” hotness while holding a puppy friend – Popsugar
Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy’s matching black outfits tell me that they went to breakfast after a funeral or the world’s most boring goth party – Lainey Gossip
Okay, Kylie Jenner, the fun is over, you can take off that plastic female masking mask off now – Celebitchy
Viola Davis is Amanda Waller in the Suicide Squad movie – Jezebel
But what I want to know is, how much does Giggy Vanderpump get paid to wear those humiliating ass outfits? – Reality Tea
Oh, don’t mind Parasite Hilton, she just vagina burped up a lump of Zovirax, that’s all – Drunken Stepfather
That sound that sort of sounds like the corpses of cows mooing in pain is from all that leather stretching around Khlozilla’s giant ass – Egotastic!
Kendull Jenner is in Vogue again because Pimp Mama Kris’ maker, Lucifer, wants you to know that he still has a contract with Anna Wintour – Hollywood Tuna
What in the name of a chola parrot? – WWTDD
Yeah and that’s exactly what OctoMom said until her checking account flatlined – The Superficial
Erasure brings strangers together – Towleroad
Jennifer Lawrence’s outfit is having an identity crisis – Popoholic
These Santas can slide down my chimney anytime and they might get a plate of cookies (or crabs) out of it - The Berry
Jennifer Lawrence’s new dude is either a director named Gabe Polsky or pizza – ICYDK
Hollywood: 0 North Korea: 2 – HuffPo
Here’s Naomi Campbell getting ready to bury dead bodies while wearing lingerie, because that’s just what she does – OMG Blog
This mother of political party opposites is all of us – SOW
The Interview isn’t coming out EVER – Just Jared
Feminism: Jane the Virgin learns what it is on Twitter – Pajiba
Pic: Pacific Coast News
After all of the major movie theater chains dropped The Interview like they were Britney circa 2006 and The Interview was SPF, Sony has decided that there’s no reason to release that bad decision to the 3 theaters in the country who will show it. They have scrapped all plans to release that mess on Christmas Day and learned the hard way that James Franco ruins EVERYTHING! Annie, however, is still opening on Friday as scheduled.
Here’s Sony’s full statement via Deadline:
In light of the decision by the majority of our exhibitors not to show the film The Interview, we have decided not to move forward with the planned December 25 theatrical release. We respect and understand our partners’ decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.
Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale — all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like. We are deeply saddened at this brazen effort to suppress the distribution of a movie, and in the process do damage to our company, our employees, and the American public. We stand by our filmmakers and their right to free expression and are extremely disappointed by this outcome.
Meanwhile, in the basement of her mansion, “computer novice” St. Angie Jolie picked up the phone, dialed Universal and said, “Mission accomplished. The #1 spot at the box office is ours to lose now! Blelehehehehe!” Hackers was a documentary.
No, CNN reports that “law enforcement sources” tell them that the hackers are working for North Korea and the order came from the top. I swear, that Kim Jong-un trick is such an overdramatic spoiled baby bitch. He is King Joffrey on steroids. I can’t believe his ass lips would get twisted over some stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. If that made him have a hissy fit and threaten to nuke us, then I hope he never sees Team America. Can’t Dennis Rodman just whisper, “Baby, don’t be mad, call off your dogs for your honey,” into Kim Jong-un’s ear as they spoon?
Bruno Mars, the Puerto Rican Jewish Morris Day, is still trying to make wearing curlers in public happen.
The funky Hobbit works the “James Brown at the beauty shop” look in the video for Uptown Funk and while performing the song on the finale of The Voice with Mark Ronson last night, he once again got all Beauty School Dropout. Yes, your mother worked it better when she yelled at your brat ass in the booze section of the supermarket as she tried to find the perfect pink wine for the holiday party she hosted that night, but I am all for this look. Bruno really should’ve went all the way by wearing a gold housecoat with gold slippers and halfway through his performance he should’ve pulled off that gold slipper and waved it at the gold brats playing in his hard. This is pimp grandma glamour:
And hopefully for his next performance he really brings on the tingles by wearing these:
Alex Trebek Threatened To Quit After A Contestant’s Mom Asked Him To Re-Do The Ending Of A Jeopardy! Kids Episode
Finally, the real juicy gossip from the Sony emails gets released! I was waiting for some tasty dirt on clean-cut game show types, like Ted Allen from Chopped or David Chilton from Dragon’s Den, but a story about Alex Trebek being a difficult bitch? Christmas has come early for Allison.
Radar says that one of the recent emails leaked by the Sony hackers (which I’m choosing to call Sackers) was a nasty one between Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek and some Sony executives. It all started during the taping of an episode of Jeopardy! Kids, aka the episodes that appeal to me the most because I’m able to answer at least 2/3 of the questions correctly. One of the contestants was still in the red by the time they reached Final Jeopardy, so she started crying and ran off stage. That’s when the contestant’s mother cornered a Jeopardy! producer and told them that her daughter isn’t a sore loser and she’s super upset she can’t finish the game and asked if they’d re-shoot it so that her daughter could have a second chance. So the producers asked Alex, he said “What is FUCK NO“, and went on to finish the episode without her.
Today is a good day for me, because I found out that I no longer have to smuggle Cuban cigars from Mexico in my asshole. (Actually, maybe that’s not such a good thing since that’s the only time I really get any action.) But Madge is not having a good day, because today she found out that she leaked all over the Internet.
Madge’s new album, which is supposedly title Unapologetic Bitch, isn’t scheduled to come out until next year, but this morning someone spread the tracks all over the Internet. When one of Madge’s unreleased (and possibly unfinished) songs “Rebel Heart” leaked into ears last month, she screamed some shit about how she had been violated as a human and artist. She Hulk’d out on Instagram. So when a bunch of tracks got dropped on the Internet today, I expected her veins to pop and her skin to turn green before she overturned cars and ripped out electrical lines. At first, Madge kept calm and told her fans that the leaked songs are unfinished demos that were stolen a long time ago and thanked them for not listening to the tracks. But I guess Madge realized that being calm and reasonable isn’t going to get her as much attention as possible, so she later freaked out on Instagram in a Kanye-style rant (sans ALL-CAPS) which she later deleted.
Madge pretty much thinks that Olivia Benson and the FBI need to get involved, because this is an act of rape and terrorism. Every government division needs to stop EVERYTHING they’re doing (examples: investigating real rape and investigating real terrorism) and devote all their time to finding out who leaked old demos that Madge isn’t putting on her album anyway. This is a priority!
Madge’s current boy toy really needs to take a Valium so the next time she sucks his blood, she’ll chill the hell out. This seems to happen to Madge a lot. So either she needs to get a new STUNT QUEEN stunt to keep her name out there or she needs to strap an industrial-strength pair of Depends over her hard drive to stop the leaks.
I didn’t have access to a computer till I was 13-years-old, and the first thing I did when I got one was spend all day playing You Don’t Know Jack and lighting characters on fire in The Sims, so I have no idea what it’s like to be a curious kid on the internet. But it sounds like St. Angie’s is afraid her Lil’ Angels might be the curious types, because she tells People that the child army has a cyber security team who monitor their activity online. Even though Angelina is perfect in every way, she says she’s “old school” when it comes to technology, so she and Brad Pitt hired people to make sure nobody is searching “Drawing of boobs life-like” or “Make bomb using crayon wax how?“.
“It’s a scary new world,” the star says. “It’s so beyond what we understand. We wouldn’t even know what to look for.”
She also says she’s glad the kind of technology the child army has access to today wasn’t around when she was younger, saying “I got in enough trouble. It just would have been very documented.” Oh, like this?
St. Angie and Brad’s kids are still fairly young, so it makes sense to keep an eye on what they’re looking at online. The internet can be a scary place! Can you even imagine how traumatic it would be if one of them started snooping around unsupervised on the internet and found out that St. Angie is a minimally-talented spoiled brat instead of a delicate wisp of pure light sent from Heaven?