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November 30, 2014 / Posted by:

7 Up Gold!

7 Up has always been the Blake NotSoLively of sodas, because it’s boring, there’s not much to it and it keeps our brains asleep (read: shit doesn’t have caffeine). I mean, adult types gave us 7 Up and crackers when our stomachs felt gross. It’s practically medicine! 7 Up has tried (and sometimes succeeded) at not ONLY being┬áthe boring, tap water of sodas that parents gave their kids when they didn’t want their brats climbing the walls and going crazy. Cherry 7 Up was a major success and it would be a perfect soda if it had gallons of caffeine in it. So after Cherry 7 Up turned out to be a hit in the late 80s, they really went for it by squirting out 7 Up Gold in 1987. They went for the gold, but they only ended up with a handful of bad decisions, because it flopped.

7 Up was supposed to put a dent in Coke’s crown. It was brown-ish instead of clear and it had caffeine. It also tasted nothing like 7 Up. I remember it sort of tasting like watered down ginger ale, but others say it tasted like apple cinnamon. So if you want to be really specific, it probably tasted like a wet shit that Dr. Pepper caca’d out after eating an apple pie with a flat ginger ale chaser. 7 Up went a little too crazy with 7 Up Gold and people didn’t understand it. It tanked and a year later, they sent it to the soda graveyard.

Before 7 Up Gold was put down, it got a commercial starring KG from Tenacious D.

What I got from that commercial, is that 7 Up Gold turned you into a frat douche who annoyed old people. What’s really disappointing is at the end of the commercial, they missed a really good opportunity to make a golden shower joke.

Pic: Complex

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