Former actor and current hot piece of applewood smoked human pepaw bacon Mickey Rourke recently made a trip to Russia, but it wasn’t to film a movie or take a topless horseback ride with Vladimir Putin; it was to come out of amateur boxing retirement to fight against a 29-year-old in a pretty clearly fixed match. You know, as one does. The Daily Mail says that on Friday, Mickey went two rounds with Elliot Seymour, a dude half his age and in considerably better shape, before he knocked him out and was declared the winner. And by “knocked him out”, I mean gave him the signal that it was time for him to win by gently tapping him on the tummy. You can see all the dramatic soap opera fakery for yourself around the 9:17 mark:
Did you just have a flashback to that time you faked an injury to get out of dodgeball day in middle school? Because I did. Obviously Mickey’s win was about as real as Santa Claus or Tori Spelling’s left tit, which prompted Russia’s top boxing expert, Alexander Belenky, to comment on that mess:
“Mickey Rourke boxing – I’m too old for going to the circus. This ‘performance’ is just a good PR action.”
Alexander Belenky is an expert on boxing, but apparently he’s pretty good at reading a bitch too. The Russian shade of it all! But seriously, all this pitiful boxing fakery never would have happened if Loki, Mickey’s beloved dead chihuahua, was still alive! Loki would NEVER let Mickey fake his way to a victory; Loki would have spent months whipping him back into fighting shape like a little chihuahua version of Mickey Goldmill. And then when Mickey Rourke loses the fight (and he will, because that bitch is 62-going-on-197) Loki will shake off his tiny knit hat, pull on a black wig, and become his Adrian.