If you’re anywhere over the age of 19, this story about melodramatic teenagers hissing at each other on the internet will no doubt make you want to ball up your fists and shout GET OFF MY LAWN, so just giving you a heads up that you might want to prepare a soothing hot water with lemon to calm yourself when it happens.
So some time last year, Abigail Breslin, who you may know as the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine or the little girl from that insane episode of Law & Order: SVU where Lea Thompson tries to kidnap her biological daughter, dated one of the Hot Topic teens from the band 5 Seconds of Summer, Michael Clifford. And then they broke up, because – I don’t know, maybe one of them caught the other one stealing their eyeliner. Cut to four days ago, when Abigail decided to release a Taylor Swift-sounding breakup song called “You Suck“, in which she calls out her ex-boyfriend for not washing his hair, having a “dumb tattoo”, and maybe cheating on her. Whoah – a “dumb tattoo”? SHOTS FIRED.
Abigail also sings that he’ll probably say that she wrote the song because she’s “so obsessed” with him, but Michael just sort of laughed the whole thing off (literally). Unfortunately, Abigail forgot that the person who “sucks” also happens to have an obsessed teen fan army, and they all started dragging Abigail on Twitter:
They also created a hashtag called #AbigailYouTried. Ouch, I don’t know who’s worse, 5SOS stans or the ROBSTEN4EVER fangirls. You’re right, it’s the Robsten fangirls. It’s always the Robsten fangirls.
See, this right here is why I’m so glad Twitter didn’t exist when I was in high school, because I can totally relate to these 5SOS lunatics. When I was 16, I was majorly obsessed with the fake boyband 2GE+HER (and by “when I was 16“, I of course mean “I still totally am“), and I’m sure that if some trick wrote a song about Jerry or Mickey called “Dumb Loser”, I’d lose my shit online too. Actually, I take that back; 2GE+HER is nothing like 5SOS. 2GE+HER is a completely original band, and 5SOS is just a lazy Forever 21 rip-off of SUM 41. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to wade through the 8,374 hate-tweets I just received from the 5SOS stans.
And in case you were wondering what it would be like if Taylor Swift made a baby with Avril Lavigne, here’s the video for “You Suck”: