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November 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Tom Turkey from 1983’s A Thanksgiving Tale!

Christmas specials are a dime a dozen and there’s TOO many of them, but Thanksgiving specials are as rare as a reasonable thought out of Lindsay Lohan’s mouth or as rare as a Grindr trick who tells the truth about his real dick size (yes, always bring a tape measure with you to every hook-up to make sure). A Thanksgiving Tale is one of the only Thanksgiving specials I remember watching as a kid.

Paul Fusco, who brought us ALF, created and produced A Thanksgiving Tale which first aired on Showtime in 1983. As a kid, a cat must’ve held Paul’s entire family hostage and tortured their asses, because he obviously hates cats. ALF was a major pussy eater and in A Thanksgiving Tale, New Jersey cats befriend a dumbass turkey just so they can cook and eat him for Thanksgiving.

Tom Turkey is a bird-brained Thespian turkey who is trying to get to NYC to live out his dream of being a stage star. But he’s obviously got shit for brains, because when the bus driver screams “Newark,” Tom thinks he screamed, “New York.” Tom gets off at Newark and meets a group of starving, raggedy, janky cats who give him shelter from the cold. Tom thinks they’re kind of heart, but of course, those starving pussies are tricking that turkey and are fattening him up to eat him on Thanksgiving. Tom is just off the bus in more ways than one, because everybody knows you shouldn’t trust cats in denim caps and vests.

The dogs living in the alley outside of the cat’s lair find out what those shady pussies are pulling and vow to save Tom Turkey, because dogs are good and cats are bad. To make a short story even shorter, the cats and dogs scrap in the alley before Tom Turkey breaks it up. Tom saves the day and brings them all together by suggesting that the dogs move in with the cats, because the cats have shelter and the dogs have food. They put on a play, because after all Tom is a wannabe actor, so he’s an attention whore and has to make it all about him.

But in real life, we know how that scene would play out. The dogs and cats would tear Tom’s turkey ass apart while trying to eat him at the same time. No, no, no, it’s a beautiful story with a beautiful happy ending. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! It’s also a Thanksgiving miracle that I found this masterpiece on YouTube.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! See you in the ER after our stomachs explode from filling it with booze, booze, booze, booze and maybe some turkey and stuff.

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