Eva Mendes Talks About Her Baby

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

When Eva Mendes was knocked up with the Internet’s boyfriend’s baby, she did everything to hide her growing fetus dome including comically covering it with everything in her fucking closet. I expected her to hire two dudes to carry a giant armoire in front of her at all times so nobody would see that she had a CASE OF THE BABIES! She was a walking “privacy please” sign and I don’t think she ever confirmed she had a baby. But now that she’s birthed out her and Ryan Gosling’s daughter Esmerelda Amada, she’s talking about everything from not having nannies to confirming that they named their kid after what you thought they named her after.

In the new edition of a web magazine called Violet Grey, Eva talks to her fancy-named friend Cassandra Huysentruyt Grey, the founder of VG and trophy wife of Brad Grey, about private stuff she doesn’t usually talk about because she’s oh-so-private like that. I don’t know what she’s promoting exactly. Being a new mom? Sadly, Eva didn’t really talk about Ryan Gosling and didn’t say, “The haters can seethe, because their fake boyfriend popped a raw nut up into me and not their homely asses.” She just talked about how babies suck the sleep out of you and turn you into a zombie.

On how she doesn’t have a team of nannies doing everything for her: “I’m doing it without a nanny for now but I’m open to the idea of having a nanny in the future. Esmeralda has two amazing grandmothers and incredible aunties who come over and really help me. But as far as a nanny or a night nurse, for me that part of being a mother at this early stage is the struggle of not being able to sleep and not knowing what I’m doing and really going through it with her and battling out those nights.”

On how she hates “bump watch: “Whether we like it or not, privacy is going to be very difficult for Esmeralda. I think it’s unfair but that’s our reality. So Ryan and I decided early on to give her as much privacy as we could. And my pregnancy was the first opportunity to give her that. It’s such an intimate time for the mother, too. I know that it seems all very innocuous when you’re flipping through a tabloid at the doctor’s office or see a photo of a pregnant lady online, but I find the media’s “bump watch” obsession to be both intrusive and stressful. So I made a decision to eject myself from it completely. I was like, ‘Annnnd I’m out.'”

On how she and Ryan named their daughter after Esmeralda in the Victor Hugo novel and not the Disney movie (UH HUH): “We both love the Esmeralda character from the Victor Hugo novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame and just think it’s a beautiful name. Her middle is Amada, which was my grandmother’s name. It means ‘beloved’ in Spanish.'”

What is the point of being rich if you’re not going to get a night nanny to deal with the soul-killing cries of your baby? If you’re rich, you should soundproof the nursery and get a dozen nannies to tend to your kid’s screeches in the night while you skip along the clouds in dreamland. But maybe there’s another reason for why Eva doesn’t want a nanny right now.

Every time Eva’s nanny laid eyes on the chiseled Canadian adonis Ryan Gosling in person, her pussy would explode and she’d drop the baby. That might turn into a problem.

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