Bette Midler’s Pro Tip For Ariana Grande Latte: Stop Whoring It Up To Get Ahead

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, it’s official. Bette Midler is my tia who tells my cousins to pull down their skirts and stop running around looking like prostitutas.

Bette Midler took a little break from hunting down the pieces of trash who throw trash out of their car windows to tell The Telegraph how she really feels about the state of pop music today. While talking about her album of girl group covers, Tia Bathhouse Betty says that she’s sick of female pop singers using tits, ass and sex to sell albums and get people to pay attention to them. Bette, who got her start singing in gay bathhouses, used the Lolita Steve Madden bobblehead Ariana Grande Latte as an example. Bette shakes her head at Ariana when that prostituta niña humps a couch while yodeling out one of her shitty songs.

“It’s terrible! It’s always surprising to see someone like Ariana Grande with that silly high voice, a very wholesome voice, slithering around on a couch, looking so ridiculous. I mean, it’s silly beyond belief and I don’t know who’s telling her to do it. I wish they’d stop. But it’s not my business, I’m not her mother. Or her manager. Maybe they tell them that’s what you’ve got to do. Sex sells. Sex has always sold.”

Bette then got into the whole “sex sells” thing and doesn’t know why pop tricks are serving up some fuck action during their performances:

“Well whatever strictures there were have fallen apart. And now it’s whatever you feel like doing you can do. I mean, apparently people really like to pretend they’re having sex. They really like to slap each other’s butts. I mean, don’t ask me. It’s beyond me. I’m too old. I don’t know what the end game is going to be. I don’t know where you go from all that sex in your twenties. I don’t know how you sustain it.”

Finally, Bette had a little advice for pop yodelers like Ariana Grande Latte:

“Trust your talent. You don’t have to make a whore out of yourself to get ahead. You really don’t.”

Bette then went on to say, “And stop humping my lawn and get off of it, you hussy harlot whores!

Bette is right about Ariana Grande. Ariana looks like she’s 12 and she’s always done up like a toddler Lola Bunny, so when she starts bringing the sex, I don’t know whether to laugh or scream for the authorities. Even Abby Lee Miller’s like, “Tone it down, girl, tone it down.” But then again what’s wrong with whoring it up to get some head (typo and it stays)? Whenever I have a thought to ponder, I look to the words of wisdom from our Patron Saint of Philosophy Cristal Connors. We all know how Cristal Connors feels about whoring it up.

“We’re all whores, darlin’!” – Cristal Confucius Connors to Bette Midler and the world.

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