Maybe it’s because I spent most of my weekend doing pre-Christmas things (hanging a wreath, wrapping presents, getting stoned and eating an entire gingerbread house) but that candy striping sort of makes Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Lopez like the two horniest elves at the North Pole that Santa put in charge of testing the vibrators. They make vibrators at the North Pole, right?
Moving on. So
New Fergie Iggy Azalea and JLo performed their ass anthem “Booty” last night at the American Music Awards, and I know the pearl-clutchers at ABC were worried they were going to bring the R-rated middle-aged stripper raunch by rubbing their poop shutes against each other while miming sex faces, but it ended up being pretty tame. Sure, JLo and Iggy dry humped each other like two skanky ferrets in costumes from the Slutty Showgirl collection, but they were also wearing Hooters tights. Hooters tights! Nothing says “Shows over, boners” like those fugly thick shimmer-knit leg wraps.
But this wasn’t Iggy’s only performance of the night; earlier in the evening she got to act like she wasn’t completely embarrassed to be the Macklemore of the AMAs by beating out Drake and Eminem for the Best Rap/Hip Hop Award. She then followed that up by opening her performance of “Fancy” with a bunch of vaguely Black Panther-y imagery. Needless to say, Iggy Azalea was not Twitter’s favorite person last night:
Oh come on, that last one is totally unfair! She looks nothing like the alien ducks. The chicken from outer space, maybe – but not the ducks (the ducks don’t have nearly enough ass).