Every floret on every dandelion in every part of the world has shriveled, died and fallen to the ground, much like the pieces of my heart that still felt things. One of my favorite royals, if not my favorite royal (sorry, Prince Hot Ginge), the Duchess of Alba, has salsa danced up to Heaven and is now holding court as the Queen of the Angels. She was 88.
Throw a black lace veil over the sun, because the Duchess of Alba died in Sevilla this morning after suffering through pneumonia. I know that when an 88-year-old person gets pneumonia, it’s a bad, bad thing. But when her doctors told the media on Monday that she was doing better and recovering, I really thought she was going to make it out of the hospital and go on to outlive her current husband, her next husband and the husband after that. I thought she was going to outlive us all! Juan Ignacio Zoido, the Mayor of Sevilla, told the press this morning that the Duchess of Alba died at her palace.
The Duchess of Alba is survived by her husband Alfonso Diez, her six children, her nine grandchildren and her three great-grandchildren.
I’ve been reading all of her obits this morning and I already knew that she’s in the Guinness Book of Records for being the world’s most titled person and could buy us all with her fortune and didn’t have to kneel in front of the pope and had a full name that was almost as big as her spirit. But I didn’t know that she turned down being Picasso’s muse. She also caused ESCANDALONESS in 1978 when she married a defrocked Jesuit priest. And as everyone knows, she caused ESCANDALONESS again in 2011 when she married her current husband, 64-year-old civil servant Alfonso Diez, even though all of her children and King Juan Carlos didn’t co-sign the marriage. She gave up her billions to marry him. She divided her fortune between her kids to shut their mouths up. She was a Don’t Give A Fuck vanguard and a true rebel royal.
I know shit about American politics, so I sure as hell know less than shit about UK politics. But if I was a citizen of Scotland, I would’ve voted YES YES YES and made everyone else vote YES YES YES to divorcing the UK. Because if Scotland succeeded from the UK, the Duchess of Alba might have become the Queen of Scotland. She would’ve been the greatest queen ever and would’ve spread her give no fucks philosophy to her people.
Rest in peace, María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay. You made me happy. You will be forever missed.