Well, At Least The Cinderella Trailer’s Got A Ginger Cate Blanchett In It

November 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s the trailer for Disney’s live-action Cinderella and it’s pretty much the cartoon acted about by humans, CGI mice and wigs. It looks like they didn’t change a thing. Kenneth Branagh, who directed this, coughed up an exact adaptation and he also crammed in as many actors from Games of Thrones and Downton Abbey as possible. Just when Cinderella couldn’t take one more actor from GoT or Downton Abbey, he shoved one more in there. (And yes, I just realized what I typed.)

I know the story of Cinderella is burned deep into our brains like the image of Chyna’s clitorpeen is, but this trailer is the movie on speed. They give everything away. You almost don’t need to spend $45 and a kidney (or however much a movie ticket is these days) to sip canned wine from a paper bag in a darkened theater while surrounded by a bunch of brats and their parents loudly talking at the screen. The trailer shows you the whole movie!

There’s Cinderella (played by Lily James) looking all bland, boring, needy and whiny. Prince Charming (played by the King in the North from GoT who is ready for your red wedding jokes) looking all neanderthal-ey and constipated. There’s Kenneth Branagh’s former piece Helena Bonham Carter looking like a Marilyn Monroe Marie Antoinette. And finally, there’s Cate Blanchett who adds a touch of glamorous evil to that fondue pot of boring. Cate Blanchett is cutting bitches with those sharpened shiv brows and she’s giving me Phoebe Price in the cheek area. I even love that her costumes are something Mildred Pierce would wear to a Scarlett O’Hara costume party. I just hope that she stays regally cunty from beginning to end and doesn’t pull a Maleficent (SPOILER ALERT) by growing a heart. It’s always a sad day for bitches when an iconic villain starts feeling things.

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