Okay, But Why Does People’s Sexiest Man Alive Of 2014 Have Hair That’s Stuck In 1995?

November 18, 2014 / Posted by:

All together now: Charlie Hunnam’s humping ass was ROBBED.

Well, a white dude named Chris who has a contract with Marvel is People’s Sexiest Man Alive (“When is People going to stop being bigoted against the sexy dead and include us?” – zombies). But the white dude named Chris with a Marvel contract who is People’s Sexiest Man Alive isn’t Chris Pratt or Chris Evans. It’s THOR! The 31-year-old Australian piece with arms like an anaconda swallowing a family of goats won the bought and paid title of Celebrity Dude Who Has A Persistent PR Team That Will Get People Magazine To Give Him A Title That Doesn’t Really Mean Anything.

Every year that Prince Hot Ginge, Idris Elba or Alexandar Skarsgard don’t get this title is a year that PHG, Idris Elba or ASkars is robbed, but I don’t mind this. It’s better than last year’s mess, but that’s not saying much.

Anyway, Chris Hemsworth said these words about being sexy, a man and alive:

“I think you’ve bought me a couple of weeks of bragging rights around the house. I can just say to [my wife], ‘Now remember, this is what the people think, so I don’t need to do the dishes anymore, I don’t need to change nappies. I’m above that. I’ve made it now.’ “

Okay, but THAT HAIR and THAT PICTURE. That hair looks like something Keith Urban’s hair coughed up. And that picture makes Chris Hemsworth look like a Carter brother from a failed 90s boy band who decided to reinvent himself as a Christian pop singer.

They should’ve saved themselves a whole lot of hair clay and just put this on the cover:

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