Things That Exist: The Christian Version Of Fifty Shades Of Grey

November 17, 2014 / Posted by:

While some of us (who obviously don’t love ourselves enough) are attached to an IV drip full of vodka as we shame watch Fifty Shades of Shit in the back row or a movie theater on Valentine’s Day, the Duggar and Kirk Cameron set will be swooning out of their long denim skirts while watching the two main hos passionately side hug in the conservative Christian answer to Fifty Shades called Old-Fashioned. I know, I thought there was already a religious version of Fifty Shades. It’s call Twilight. But seriously, isn’t 19 Kids and Counting already a Christian version of Fifty Shades? But instead of Jim Bob pulling a tampon out of Michelle, he pulls a baby out and instead of her getting whipped in the ass with a leather belt, she gets whipped in the ears with the sound of her 19 kids screaming.

Old-Fashioned is basically A Walk To Remember’s backwash. It’s about a virgin who doesn’t believe in dating and the free-spirited girl who challenges his beliefs in love and GOD. After watching that messy trailer, I have a feeling that the ending is going to be fifty shades of awkward. It’s going to be weird when toward the end of the movie, the chick meets the dude for a reading date and finds a baby in Converse, because that dude’s obviously got that Benjamin Button’s shit. That boyish haircut, hoodie and Converse ain’t fooling anyone.

Rik Swartzwelder, the movie’s writer and director who cast himself in the lead role even though he’s way too old for that shit, says in the beginning of the trailer that they’re “picking a fight with Fifty Shades” and gave me the image of Christian Grey dick slapping him in the nose.

“Clearly, we’re picking a fight with Fifty Shades. We’re not only picking a fight, we’re picking a fight with the schoolground bully, likely to get our nose busted in two. … Love and romance are created by God and designed to lead to marriage and physical intimacy. … I find it impossible to not believe that, deep down, we don’t want to celebrate something more than Fifty Shades.”

Never mind that dude is only calling his movie the anti-Fifty Shades, because it’s the only way he’ll get mainstream attention for that shit, it still looks better than Fifty Shades. The trailer also gave me more tingles too. Blame it on the Christian Benjamin Button blowing out that marshmallow flame.

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