In case you were curious as to why your landlady hasn’t replied to any of your texts in the past 24-hours or why you haven’t seen the horny middle-aged mom from HR since this morning when you caught her in the supply closet stuffing her purse full of AA batteries and why your local CVS was out lube AND hand sanitize AND hair gel last night, it’s because the second trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey was released yesterday. Pray for every vibrator whose warranty expired back in 1974, because if their motor hasn’t died yet, there’s a very good chance it will happen in the next few hours.
We pretty much learned all we needed to know about that 90-minute mess from the last trailer that was released four months ago (frumpy hair, suits, gasping, Beyonce), but this time we learn the following:
1. Jamie Dornan’s Mr. Grey or Col. Mustard or whatever his character’s name is has a fancy closet full of fancy grey suits, but Dakota Johnson just has a hole in the wall filled with Duggar family cast-offs.
2. When Dakota runs into Jamie in the hardware store at the 0:54 mark, it looks like they’re cosplaying the Property Brothers.
3. Good news for those of you who watched the ice cube scene in 9½ Weeks and thought “Oooh, if only someone would remake this and make it the opposite of sexy!” – there’s an ice-cube scene!
Other than that, it’s just 98% recycled footage from the first one. The only real difference is that they switched out a heavily sedated-sounding Beyonce singing “Crazy in Love” for a mildly sedated-sounding Beyonce singing “Haunted”. But that’s technically different enough, right? Cut them some slack, guys – they’ve been really busy re-shooting the sex scenes.