Hearing About Martin Lawrence Apparently Made Gwyneth Paltrow Have A Chain-Smoking Meltdown

November 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Sounds like the come-to-life corn broom isn’t exactly…brushing off…news about her ex (insert Horatio Caine sunglasses gif). According to In Touch, Gwyneth Paltrow got all kinds of ragey recently when she heard that her sneaky sabotage hadn’t worked and Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were still humping on each other. It all started on Halloween, when Goopy was on her way to a photo shoot. Apparently she had heard that JLaw was at The House of Scarves (aka Chris’ home in Malibu) a few days earlier, and it was pissing her off more than the time her assistant accidentally pressed her kale in the $3,739 silver juicer instead of the $4,739 gold juicer.

A source claims that’s when Goopy broke her one-ciggy-a-month rule and started chain smoking right there in the car, followed by asking the driver to pull over so she could get a drink. The source goes on to say:

“She was a mess. She never smokes or drinks like that, so everyone knew something was up.”

The source also says she was “frantically” texting Chris Martin the whole time. I call bullshit on that one – Gwyneth would NEVER do something as unsophisticated and common as texting. Fingers were meant for dipping into $2,031 jars of imported hand-gathered beluga caviar, not tapping poo emojis into a phone. Ew, what’s next? SKYPE?!?!

Cigarettes and booze is a slippery slope; next thing you know, Goopy will be snorting bath salts and drinking drain cleaner. And unless she wants to end up on A&E’s Snobby Unsalted Cracker Intervention, she needs to find a way to avoid anything that reminds her of JLaw! From now on, no burping, no farting, and for goop sakes, change the name of the outdoor pizza oven at Castle Goopskull to the al fresco flatbread hearth! No more pizza! Pizza is a trigger!

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