International Treasure Richard Simmons Is Reportedly In A Sad Place Right Now

November 13, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’ve seen a rainbow recently, then it might’ve been a fake rainbow that the government created with lights and holograms, because they want you to think that everything is right in the world and Richard Simmons is happier then ever. But if TMZ is telling the truth, then it’s impossible for a natural rainbow to appear in the sky, because Richard Simmons has the sads in a major and serious way.

According to TMZ, the human sparkler who is the true inspiration for the song “You Light Up My Life” hasn’t been photographed since January of this year when he went to a charity event. Richard Simmons always held court at his fitness studio in Beverly Hills, but apparently he hasn’t graced that place with his glittery presence for a few months. Richard used to teach a class there at least once a month, but the schedule on his studio’s website says that either Richard or staff is teaching the class. Friends of Richard haven’t heard from him either and whenever somebody comes to visit him at his house, his housekeeper shoos them away.

Richard used to regularly give my eyes a heaping serving of the tingles by posting a picture of him in drag on Facebook, but he hasn’t done that in a while. Richard (or someone on his team) is still updating his FB page all the time and leaving comments, but it seems like they’re only posting old pictures.

Some source says that Richard barely ever leaves his house and is majorly depressed because his bitchy 66-year-old left knee just won’t let him twirl stars into the sky by doing what he loves most: working out. Richard’s knee is busted and doctors have told him that if he wants to keep sweatin’ to the oldies then he needs to have knee replacement surgery. Richard’s known for about a year that his left knee needs to be replaced, but he’s terrified of the surgery so he hasn’t done it yet. Richard’s right knee was replaced 4 years ago and he kept putting the surgery off because the thought of going under the knife freaked out every part of his soul. Richard tried to get his knee back into kicking condition by doing stem cell and red blood platelet therapy, but it didn’t work.

Other sources tell TMZ that they think that Richard’s going through something more serious than a busted knee.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Getting any kind of surgery or medical procedure is a fucking nightmare and I curse NASA, scientists, doctors and engineers for not building that magical body healing machine from Elysium. So I totally understand why Richard’s got the scareds, but the world needs him now more than ever. When Richard is sad and depressed, the sun doesn’t shine (Yes, that sun shining in the sky is really a giant spotlight. The government stays lying to us!) and sequins don’t sparkle. It’s also impossible to sweat to the oldies right now. Put on an old Brenda Lee song and dance to it. You will not sweat at all as long as Richard Simmons is sad.

Let’s all put on our sequined shorty shorts, form a prayer circle and pray that our international treasure breaks out of his shell of depression and gets back to covering our souls with happiness. We need you, Richard!

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