Gwyneth Paltrow Says She Likes Her Wrinkles, Is Trying To Age Gracefully

November 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Cut to a $748 antique glass syringe filled with organic botulinum toxin sitting on an imported Italian marble counter in the guest house bathroom at Castle Goopskull throwing 50 CC’s of side-eye in Goopy’s general direction.

Snobby unsalted soda cracker Gwyneth Paltrow recently spoke to Stylist (via Daily Mail) about her beauty routine (“FINALLY!!!” – screamed every woman desperate to know the secret to looking like a greasy dehydrated parsnip chip), and naturally the conversation turned to getting older and wrinklier and shit. While some of her peers are pawning their Oscars for the down-payment on a high-end commercial wrinkle steamer, Gwyneth says she doesn’t notice that stuff. DUH! Goopy would NEVER bother with something as pedestrian as aging!

“I know it’s a cliché, but I really do subscribe to the ‘age gracefully’ thing. I’d rather die than be studying my face. I just brush my teeth and try to get dressed and get everyone up. I don’t tend to wear much make-up either. I like my wrinkles and you know, I like what I see.”

Meanwhile, her wrinkled-up butt hole is screaming in excruciating pain from having to pass so much partially-digested lemongrass and raw chia seed brittle. Pray 4 butt hole.

But I don’t know if I’m entirely convinced that Gwyneth is all about aging gracefully. The Goopy I know would harvest the eyelashes from the last remaining flat-footed cashmere desert fox or drinking virgin alien blood if it meant looking 3 minutes younger. I guess the only way to tell will be to wait 30 years and see what Goopy’s face looks like at 70. Although I’m sure Adobe will have invented a real-life Photoshop program for human skin called “Aging Gracefully” by then. That clever corn broom – always finding a loop-hole!

Our commenting rules: Don't be racist or bigoted, or post comments like "Who cares?", or have multiple accounts, or repost a comment that was deleted by a mod, or post NSFW pics/videos/GIFs, or go off topic when not in an Open Post, or post paparazzi/event/red carpet pics from photo agencies due to copyright infringement issues. Also, promoting adblockers, your website, or your forum is not allowed. Breaking a rule may result in your Disqus account getting permanently or temporarily banned. New commenters must go through a period of pre-moderation. And some posts may be pre-moderated so it could take a minute for your comment to appear if it's approved. If you have a question or an issue with comments, email: michaelk@dlisted.com

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >