Basement Baby Is Getting Married On Sunday

November 11, 2014 / Posted by:

All over the basement today, the mice, roaches and millipedes are busy making a stunning and exquisite wedding gown out of moth balls, dead silverfish and old kitchen curtains, because their queen, Solange, is getting married in New Orleans on Sunday! I see you blankly staring at the screen while chewing a sandwich and thinking to yourself, “And? It’s just Solange. Who cares?” Um, the MothHive (member count: just me) cares, because our Basement Queen finally has a Basement King!

UsWeekly “somehow learned” (cut to me making air quotes while side-eyeing the messenger rat that Solange sent to deliver details of her wedding to UsWeekly’s offices) that 28-year-old Solange is marrying her 51-year-old video producer boyfriend of 5 years Alan Ferguson in New Orleans this weekend. Yes, he’s 51. Those Knowles sisters are all about the seasoned dick. “A source” tells UsWeekly that Solange and Alan’s 3-night wedding extravaganza will start on Friday night with a movie (probably a private screening of Fight Club 2: Hate In The Elevator) and will end on Sunday with them getting married.

Alan will become Basement Baby’s second husband. She married her son’s father in 2004 when she was just 17 and she divorced his ass 3 years later.

I love how UsWeekly has all these little details. I see you, Basement Baby. She probably sold her wedding pictures to them, but who can blame her? Now that she’s getting married, that shifty trollop Beyonce probably cut her allowance and deactivated her charge cards, so she’s gotta hustle. But sadly, once UsWeekly deducts the cost of Photoshopping out half of Beyonce’s waist and the football helmet that Jay-Z wears whenever he’s around a drunk Solange, she’ll owe them money. Poor Basement Baby is always staying in the basement.

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