Eli Roth, the man behind such works of pee-pantsing terror as Hostel, Hostel: Part 2, and the subsequent follow-up nightmares that played in my sleep every night for the 8 weeks following my viewing of Hostel and Hostel: Part 2, married his 22-year-old actress-slash-model girlfriend Lorenza Izzo in Chile on Saturday. Get it girl! Get that horror movie money!
Us Weekly says that 42-year-old Eli and H-to-the-Izzo exchanged vows in both English and Spanish on a beach in Zapallar, then ate a bunch of lamb and danced with their friends till 4am. They also ate popcorn out of boxes covered in pictures of themselves from various movies they’ve both been in (cut to all the memaws fighting over who gets the box with the picture of a sexy bat-wielding Eli from Inglourious Basterds on it). A guest also told Us Weekly the wedding of Eli and Lizzo McGuirenza had “a singer from Iceland, Brazilian dancers, and a standee for My Big Fat Chilean Wedding that everyone posed with!” “A singer from Iceland? Don’t tease, guest – was it or was it not Björk!
Eli Roth seems a spooky dude who cums fake blood and ghost screams, but I bet that behind all the scary is a soft-spoken stay-at-home type who curls up on the couch every night at 8pm with a home-made pumpkin spice latte to watch “his girls” (either Golden or Gilmore). Lorenza, on the other hand, may look like a boring model type, but check out those eyes – she got them Serial Killer Eyes! Those are the eyes you see staring back at you from behind a collection of rusty chainsaws in the basement of an abandoned house! I guess what I’m saying is – they’re perfect for each other? Mazel, you two nightmare makers!