In “This Is Some Brand New Information That Has Deleted My Body’s Supply of SHOCK” news, The Daily Mail says that Daddy Spears is a master puppeteer who controls every single piece of Our Lady of Cheetos’ life including who she goes on romantic Cheesecake Factory dates with.
When Normal Guy Dave was pink-slipped for insubordination (read: reportedly passing his peen to another while dating Brit Brit) a couple of months ago, Daddy Spears immediately channeled the Millionaire Matchmaker and started huntin’ for a new contract boyfriend for his hillbilly moneymaker. Some source tells the literary journal of truthful truths, The Daily Mail, that Brit Brit is one of those can’t be without a man types and her papa je’e’ thinks she’s happiest when she’s got a boyfriend. So Daddy Spears went on the hunt and found 31-year-old producer Charlie Ebersol.
Daddy Spears and Charlie, who is the son of big TV producer Dick Ebersol and Susan Saint Sames, met while the latter was pitching a reality show starring Brit Brit. Since Charlie has his own money and a job, Daddy Spears knew he was contract boyfriend material. Daddy Spears set Charlie up with Brit Brit and made her think it was all her idea. Daddy Spears isn’t only a master Velveeta grits makers, but he’s also a master manipulator. The source burped this up:
“Britney functions best with a man in her life, and Jamie knows that. He’s is good at selecting just the right candidates. They last a while. That’s all anyone can ask, really. Britney has a complicated life. It took less than a month for Jamie to find Charlie. He eyeballed him from a distance at first. But after a few meetings together, Jamie knew he’d found a good guy. Jamie had to do this stuff slowly and cautiously, so Britney wouldn’t rebel. He had to make it seem like it was her idea to date Charlie, and not the other way around or it wouldn’t work.
Charlie’s an okay guy. He isn’t out to screw anybody. He saved his dad from a burning plane wreck, for chrissakes. What more could you want?”
Even though Daddy Spears handpicked Charlie, he still doesn’t let Brit Brit go on dates by herself and her bodyguards are always around, watching.
So if you’re a white dude and spot Daddy Spears creeping on you with his lil’ itty bitty eyes, don’t worry. He doesn’t want to stick his wooden ladle in your cheesy grits. He’s just checking you out to see if he can manipulate his cash cow into dating you. That’s all.
Yes, Daddy Spears is going to be the CEO of Brit Brit’s life until she stops making him cash and is allowed to retire to a multi-million dollar trailer park kingdom where she can finally do whatever she wants, but at least he’s finally getting it together and picking out better boyfriends. This Charlie Ebersol dude is a major upgrade from the usual Dave & Buster’s parking lot trash he sets her up with. He’s related to Susan Saint James, is as much of a fashion icon as she is (you know your b-hole puckered at the sight of that chunky tie) and he’s got a look that says “rejected The A-List: Dallas cast member” and that is the look.