A few days ago, Radar, Gawker and a bunch of others picked up a comment from an obvious Christian fundie satire blog that claimed that 21-year-old Jessa Duggar and her 19-year-old husband Ben Seewald couldn’t ignore their hot, tingling loins after getting married and had their first marital fuck as husband and wife in a room at the church. The commenter claimed that Jinger Duggar (I never CAN with that name) caught the newest Duggar baby machine getting on her new husband’s dick right after her wedding. The rumor was believable for a quick second since the Duggars are more obsessed with fucking than I am. But it turned out to be fake and the comment was erased from that parody blog.
But since Jessa Duggar is one of those church people who gets off on responding with bible verses instead of giving it to us straight like a normal person, she responded to that made-up story on Instagram by throwing this up:
Everything I learned in catechism class was replaced by more important facts like who auditioned for the role of Nomi in Showgirls and what was Heathcliff’s girlfriend’s name, so I don’t really know what that means. I’m not fluent in Bible anymore. But I’m guessing what Jessa’s trying to say is that haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate, God is going to kill kill kill that blog that started the rumor and she didn’t pop her cherry in the House of the Lord. She and Ben just 69’d before she squirted all over his tux and he came on her head. Am I close?
And you know how Jessa Duggar Instagramm’d this awkward picture of her kissing on her sleeping husband?
That picture has spawned a nightmare. After the jump is the picture that Jessa’s parents Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar texted her with:
Jessa threw up that gross, sperm-killing picture on Instagram with this note:
My parents texted me this picture! This year marks 30 years of marriage, and they’re still in that “honeymoon” stage! It’s great to see older married couples still so madly in love! I love you Mom & Dad! @duggarfam
I don’t even want to know what’s happening below that picture. Jim Bob probably blew a load through his dad jeans and her denim skirt and now she’s got a new fetus in her tortured womb. Damn Michelle and Jim Bob! By creepily recreating their daughter’s kissing picture, they’ve totally given Pimp Mama Kris an idea. PMK is going to recreate her daughter’s sex tape with her new victim and when our eyeballs melt at the sight of PMK’s dude pissing all over her ass, we and the God above will curse Jim Bob and Michelle’s names!