Soon the California drought and hell, every drought, will be a thing of the past, because as long as hobo vampire Robert Pattinson and hobo chanteuse FKA Twigs hold hands in front of the paps, the RobstenIs4EVA fangirls will loudly weep and we’ll have gallons upon gallons of their tears to drink and wash our pits out with.
Robert Pattinson and his new piece FUCK Branches partied at Melrose Ballroom in Queens, NY last night after her show at Terminal 5 and as they left they touched hands. Or as the Robsten fangirls would describe it: Beautiful prince Robert Pattinson looked miserable as he was forced to hold hands with FKA Twigs, because his team won’t let him openly be with Kristen Stewart even though they’re secretly married and she’s waiting at home for him with their secret love child and oh fuck I hate that slut tramp whore FKA Twigs and no, no, no, doctor, you said I could have 5 minutes in the computer lab, you said, please don’t make me take my meds right now, no, no, not the tranquilizer gun, nooo.
These two actually fit together. I say that because they look like the kind of strung out, messy couple who comes up to you in a shopping center parking lot and tells you a fake sob story about how they need to see their kid all the way in Chatsworth and they ran out of gas and left their wallets at home, so if you’d be so kind to give them $20 and your address, they’ll be forever thankful and mail you the money tomorrow. That’s happened to me before and after I gave them the few dollars I had I told myself that’s a couple who’s really working together.
And I’m scared to ask what’s under RPattz’s red beanie. Something tells me unicorns don’t live there anymore.