Chad Kroeger Says Those Rumors That He And Avril Lavigne Are Getting Divorced Are Just Rumors

November 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Even though there have been rumors that Canada’s Royal Couple Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are headed for Splitsville (I think it’s located just outside of Saskatoon, FYI), paired with the whispers that Avril is terrified that Chad is sticking his derpy poodle dick into dozens of Nickelback groupies, AND the fact that he was nowhere to be seen at her 13th 30th birthday party, Chad Kroeger says you can go ahead and snuff out the candles in your Chavril 4 Evir prayer vigil, because there’s nothing to be worried about. It’s all just rumors!
When asked if his marriage to the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin was up shit creek (which runs through Splitsville, FYI), The Human Wallet Chain told ET Canada that he and Avril are famous-types, so naturally gossipy assholes are going to run their mouths about their lives:

“You know my dad calls me up and he’s just like, ‘I haven’t slept in 2 days, what’s going on?’ I’m like, ‘Dad you’re not buying all this crap are you?’ You know, I get to hear all the rumor mill stuff. I find it very amusing. When you get out of high school, and it’s like ugh, okay. All that rumor crap. All that stuff that people say behind each others backs is minuscule, pales in comparison to the world of celebrity or being married to a celebrity. That’s high school multiplied exponentially. It’s ridiculous. How many times has Jennifer Aniston been pregnant this year? A dozen? Let’s start a new rumor. I’m pregnant.”

Nice try Chad, but there’s already a rumor about a ramen noodle-haired baby.

SO MANY WORDS! Chad, just admit that the Hot Pink Hot Topic Goth Princess of Napanee left your ass for a newer bleach-dipped kewl dude and move on! There’s plenty of perpetual 13-year-old pop punk mall rats in the sea! Speaking of so many words, a round of applause for the person who transcribed that statement. I know that Unintelligible Nickelback Growl is incredibly difficult to translate into English.

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