Early this morning, every Cumberbitch woke up and after she used her fingers to chip away the shell of crusty tears that sealed her eyelids shut, she opened her eyes to see her loved one holding an open laptop while saying, “It’s time to face the Internet again.” The glare from her laptop screen blinded her for a second and she screamed, “I’m not ready! I’m not ready to face the truth!” Well, hopefully she ignored the Internet, went back to bed and continued to weep while clutching her otter stuffed animal (it’s the closest thing to a Benedict Cumberbatch Real Doll out there), because this totally truthful rumor will make her rip her own heart out and eat it.
As you all know, the Internet was almost buried alive under a mountain of broken hearts and shattered dreams yesterday when Bendandsnap Culomatches and his fancy theater director girlfriend Sophie Hunter announced in a newspaper that they’re getting married. The Daily Mail says that B. Cums and Sophie Hunter are moving pretty fast, because he only started rubbing his cloaca against her recently. B. Cums and Sophie have been friends for years and years, but they just started dating full-time five months ago, if that. The source says that B. Cums proposed on Monday and they told the newspaper on Tuesday.
“It has moved fast, but when something works, it works. They are very good for each other and are very much in love. They have mutual friends and mutual interests in the theatre. It just works. They have clicked. It is lovely news. They just got engaged this week. He didn’t go up to Edinburgh to ask her mum first. He asked her, I think, on Monday, then they rang to put the advert in on Tuesday.”
Because B. Cums put a ring on it so fast, some are saying that Sophie is pregnant and might hatch out a litter of alien lizard human babies in a few months. But a few Cumberbitches think this is all just a STUNT QUEEN stunt to get him more exposure before he begins his campaign for Oscar! I know, getting married is crazy in itself, but getting married to win an Oscar? Whatever happened to the old-fashioned sane ways of winning an Oscar like pushing your rival down the stairs or anonymously telling the media that your biggest competition is a racist homophobe?
I doubt B. Cums knocked up his fiancee, but if he did, we’ll all save so much money on our heating bills this winter. We’ll be able to warm our ass cheeks on the flames of fiery rage shooting out of the Cumberbitches.