But if this leads to Shauna Sand starring in an NBC show titled Bad Mom, Lorenzo Lamas will be my #1 hero and the maker of my dreams.
In the meantime, the ticketing machine in the Ninth Circle of Hell is printing out a special VIP ticket with Lorenzo Lamas’ name on it, because TMZ says that he’s still trying to get custody of his three daughters with the Empress of Lucite and has accused her of being a shitty role model and mother. Will somebody please rip off Lorenzo Lamas’ too-tight t-shirt, because it’s obviously cutting off the circulation to his brain and is causing him not to think right. How can he think that an earth goddess who educates all of the children in the important subject of elegance is a bad mom?! Lorenzo Lamas is a bad human for slandering the Empress of Lucite like that.
TMZ says that in court documents, Lorenzo states that these are the reasons why Shauna Sand shouldn’t have custody of their daughters:
1. Lorenzo submitted the pictures in the gallery from 2010 of the Empress of Lucite busting out some refined ladylike poses while visiting that fame whore pumpkin patch in West Hollywood with her daughters. He thinks this kind of behavior is highly inappropriate.
Lorenzo Lameass is crazy! What is wrong with Shauna flashing her chonies at a pumpkin patch and sucking on a hot dog like it’s a dick? She’s demonstrating how to act like a true lady in public. NEXT!
2. Lorenzo alleges that Shauna is constantly moving new dudes into the home she shares with her young daughters. Lorenzo doesn’t think this is right.
Oh, Lorenzo. Those aren’t boyfriends. They are destitute adult European orphans who can’t afford room and board, because they spent all their money on peroxide, tanning and gym memberships. So Shauna takes them in, because her heart is that big. NEXT!
3. Lorenzo also submitted these pictures of Shauna Sand allegedly having public beach sex with her man. Shauna argues that it was a photo shoot for a French magazine and they weren’t boning.
The real truth is, Shauna is a little shy when it comes to her acts of heroism. She’s modest like that. The dude in those pictures is one of the adult European orphans she took in. They were enjoying a delicious lunch when he started choking on a piece of sandwich. Shauna immediately straddled him and performed the front heimlich maneuver on him. She saved his life! She wasn’t trying to squeeze a cum load out of him. She was trying to squeeze out the piece of sandwich he was choking on. And evil Lorenzo Llamasass is twisting the truth. How dreadful. NEXT!
4. Lorenzo brought up Shauna’s sex tapes and claims that she used the $250,000 she made from Vivid to buy a Bentley. Lorenzo thinks that’s irresponsible, because none of that money went to taking care of their daughters. Shauna slapped back at Lorenzo by saying that while they were married, he was okay with her making sex tapes, because it paid the bills.
Shauna Sand wasn’t making porn! Those “sex tapes” are educational videos where she teaches the masses how to make sweet and romantic love while staying one hundred percent elegant and graceful. Shauna’s videos, titled How To Make Love Like A Swan, can be found in the Educational and Behavioral Sciences section of the library for God’s sake!
Lorenzo also gave this statement to TMZ and I’m beginning to think that the soul of Bruce Jenner possessed his body and he’s really confused, because this is something you say about Pimp Mama Kris, not Shauna Sand.
“I only pray that our daughters will not take after their mother and think that posing for the camera nude while performing sexual acts is an acceptable way to earn a living.”
Lorenzo married the Empress of Lucite and now he’s shaming her sexy? Personally, I don’t think making a movie like Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus is an acceptable way to earn a living, but you don’t see me calling Lorenzo a bad dad. (I don’t mean that, Debbie Gibson was in that masterpiece of a movie.)
Apparently, Lorenzo and Shauna’s three daughters, who are 13, 15 and 16, want to live with their dad and wrote letters to the judge asking for the court to give him custody.
Lorenzo obviously brainwashed his daughters and turned them against their stunning mother. Or Shauna really is a bad mom and I’ve been hypnotized by the ethereal twinkles that shoot off of her Lucite heels. No, definitely the first one. Definitely the first one.
I’m sure the truth will come out and it’ll come out before the Empress of Lucite’s baby does. Shauna claims in documents that she’s pregnant. At least there’s something to celebrate. Break out the Lucite baby booties and newborn lip liner!