Clay Aiken Comes In Second Place Again

November 5, 2014 / Posted by:

I didn’t really keep up with the election results last night, because as far as I know Anderson Cooper didn’t read the results while sprawled out naked on a newsdesk. I watched gay porn instead (so I guess it was more like “Erection Night” for me, sorry). But I did check in every now and again to see if North Carolina’s 2nd district would be come Claymate central. It’s not going to. Clay “Always A Bridesmaid” Aiken was once again first runner-up. The good news for Clay is that at least he didn’t have to hear the news from Ryan Seacrest’s smug frog face.

The day started out pretty shitty for Howdy Doody’s preppy cousin when his campaign bus broke down after he voted for himself. It was a sign! As the results started coming in, Clay Aiken realized that he was going to be the Clay Aiken to his opponent Congresswoman Renee Ellmers’ Ruben Studdard. Renee Ellmers got almost 59% of the votes and is now representing North Carolina’s 2nd district in the House of Representatives.

HuffPo says that North Carolina’s 2nd district is mostly Republican and Clay ran as a Democrat, so he was the underdog in that battle and everyone expected Renee Ellmers to take the crown. A black cloud covered Clay’s campaign a few months ago when his opponent for the Democrat spot died. This was Clay’s first time running for political office.

Clay losing makes me ask myself, do the Claymates even exist anymore? Are they as rare as a Dlisted post without at least one fuck up in it? Are there no longer any middle-aged, Walmart-shopping, Dodge Grand Caravan-driving crazy ladies who stitch a clean and fresh picture of Clay’s face onto the crotch of their cotton panties every morning? I have a feeling that the Claymates still exist and those shifty bitches sabotaged Clay and voted against him. Because if Clay won, he’d be too busy doing whatever politicians do (get drunk at lunch and troll for ass on their smarts phones – heh, that’s my job description too) and he wouldn’t have time to give them a hot flash sequel by performing in a county fair concert or a regional production of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. If Clay became a full-time politician, he wouldn’t be able to summon the curdled panty pudding out of them by giving them pucker-inducing images like this:

clayjosephandthetechnicolordreamcoat

I see you, Claymates. How can you call yourself Claymates and Americans?! Those dumb Claymates. If Clay won, he was going to wear that to his swearing in ceremony.

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