Sophia Loren didn’t really need to explain the master class in side-eye-throwing she gave in that vintage masterpiece above, which is the Mona Lisa of the International Museum of Shade, but she did anyway and my soul is glad she did. Because Sophia’s explanation of the picture is almost better than the picture itself and has taken me higher than the clouds in heaven (which probably look like Jayne Mansfield’s chichis). Now we all know that’s a “Please don’t let her titties explode all over the place and smudge my impeccable eyebrow situation” side-eye. Sophia explained it like this to Entertainment Weekly:
“Paramount had organized a party for me. All of cinema was there, it was incredible. And then comes in Jayne Mansfield, the last one to come. For me, that was when it got amazing. She came right for my table. She knew everyone was watching. She sat down. And now, she was barely…Listen. Look at the picture. Where are my eyes? I’m staring at her nipples because I am afraid they are about to come onto my plate.
In my face you can see the fear. I’m so frightened that everything in her dress is going to blow—BOOM!—and spill all over the table. There may be other photos, but this is the picture. This is the one that shows how it was. This is the only picture.
Many, many times I am given this photo to autograph it. And I never do. I don’t want to have anything to do with that. And also out of respect for Jayne Mansfield because she’s not with us anymore.”
Finally, that masterpiece has a title: The Fear Of Nipples On My Plate.