Reese Witherspoon Doesn’t Want To Be “Likeable” Anymore

November 3, 2014 / Posted by:

AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon (seen above looking like the definition of “I want to speak to your supervisor NOW PLEASE!“) is apparently tired of everyone thinking she’s an insanely likeable pocket-sized blonde imp. I wasn’t aware that Laura Jeanne Poon had a reputation for being the human equivalent of a no-talking back massage (which was the most likeable thing I could think of at this moment), but according to Laura Jeanne Poon, people like her, and that shit needs to STOP. Lil Spoon recently explained to the New York Times that she wishes people would stop thinking of her as “likeable”, because it’s getting in the way of her getting her fuck on. No literally – it’s preventing Reese from getting to say the word “fuck”.

“I’ve sat through millions of development meetings where people are like: ‘We don’t want Reese to say profanity. We don’t want her to have sex. We don’t want her to take drugs’. I didn’t really feel the constraints of it until about three years ago, where I realized, ‘I’m not this.’ I’m a complex person that has so many different aspects in my personality. But somehow, I have this reductive experience where I’m put into this tiny little box.”

And what box would that be? “Likable. Can we scrub the likable box? And what is likable? To me, likable is human, and real, and honest. To me, I find the character in ‘Wild’ much more likable than a lot of characters I’ve played in comedy. She’s telling the truth. She’s not ashamed of the sexual experiences she’s had. She’s not ashamed of her drug use.”

I have terrible news for Laura Jeanne Poon: as long as she keeps getting next-level hammered and trying to say super French shit without burping up the 2 bottles of pinot greege chilling out in her wine locker and slaying the dance floor with her sweet drunk mom moves, she’s going to keep being the most likeable southern elf in the world. Sorry Reese! She could launch an “I hate kittens and Doritos and adult-sized onesies” campaign (aka a personal attack on my three favorite things), and all it would take for me to forgive that nacho-hating bitch is for her to throw her hands in the air to some Montell Jordan, and I would be like “Doritos? Who even likes Doritos? I love you, you drunk pixie.

But if she’s really serious about trying to scrub that “likeable” label, there’s one surefire way to do it: start hanging out with her old pal Gwyneth Paltrow more! “Trust me, I’ll have you sipping unflavored organic oxygen cocktails and bragging about achieving inner superiority in no time.

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