Archives: November 2014

Scott Stapp From Creed Is Down And Out In A Holiday Inn

November 27, 2014 / Posted by:

In the 90s, Scott Stapp was living the life as the head ho of Creed and he was making so much money that he could have his pick of the highest paid lot lizard in a Piggy Wiggly parking lot and could buy any brand of beer he wanted from the Circle K. Dude was living it. But how the mighty have fallen, because now Scott Stapp claims he’s as broke as my ear drums when I listen to a Creed song and is living in a Holiday Inn. I know, it can’t be THAT bad. Dude is living in a Holiday Inn! That shit is nicer than a lot of people’s apartment. If he really wants people to fart up loads of sympathy, he should say he’s living in a janitor closet at the Super 8.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Tom Turkey from 1983′s A Thanksgiving Tale!

Christmas specials are a dime a dozen and there’s TOO many of them, but Thanksgiving specials are as rare as a reasonable thought out of Lindsay Lohan’s mouth or as rare as a Grindr trick who tells the truth about his real dick size (yes, always bring a tape measure with you to every hook-up to make sure). A Thanksgiving Tale is one of the only Thanksgiving specials I remember watching as a kid.

Paul Fusco, who brought us ALF, created and produced A Thanksgiving Tale which first aired on Showtime in 1983. As a kid, a cat must’ve held Paul’s entire family hostage and tortured their asses, because he obviously hates cats. ALF was a major pussy eater and in A Thanksgiving Tale, New Jersey cats befriend a dumbass turkey just so they can cook and eat him for Thanksgiving.

Tom Turkey is a bird-brained Thespian turkey who is trying to get to NYC to live out his dream of being a stage star. But he’s obviously got shit for brains, because when the bus driver screams “Newark,” Tom thinks he screamed, “New York.” Tom gets off at Newark and meets a group of starving, raggedy, janky cats who give him shelter from the cold. Tom thinks they’re kind of heart, but of course, those starving pussies are tricking that turkey and are fattening him up to eat him on Thanksgiving. Tom is just off the bus in more ways than one, because everybody knows you shouldn’t trust cats in denim caps and vests.

The dogs living in the alley outside of the cat’s lair find out what those shady pussies are pulling and vow to save Tom Turkey, because dogs are good and cats are bad. To make a short story even shorter, the cats and dogs scrap in the alley before Tom Turkey breaks it up. Tom saves the day and brings them all together by suggesting that the dogs move in with the cats, because the cats have shelter and the dogs have food. They put on a play, because after all Tom is a wannabe actor, so he’s an attention whore and has to make it all about him.

But in real life, we know how that scene would play out. The dogs and cats would tear Tom’s turkey ass apart while trying to eat him at the same time. No, no, no, it’s a beautiful story with a beautiful happy ending. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! It’s also a Thanksgiving miracle that I found this masterpiece on YouTube.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! See you in the ER after our stomachs explode from filling it with booze, booze, booze, booze and maybe some turkey and stuff.

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Birthday Sluts

November 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Bill Nye (59)
Alison Pill (29)
Jaleel White (38)
Sharlto Copley (41)
Samantha Harris (41)
Twista (41)
Brooke Langton (44)
Michael Vartan (46)
Robin Givens (50)
Fisher Stevens (51)
Victoria Gotti (52)
Samantha Bond (53)
Caroline Kennedy (57)
William Fichtner (58)
Kathryn Bigelow (63)

Pic: Popular Science

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Thanksgiving Eve Crumbs

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s a Thanksgiving gift from the British royals. A new royal Olan Mills portrait of Prince William, Duchess Kate and Baby Prince George in Australia has shown up on the Internet. Prince William, Duchess Kate and Baby Prince George tried it, but that photobombing champagne glass is obviously the star of this picture  - Lainey Gossip

Okay, but when are the two fake boobs named Tori and Dean going to be recalled? – Celebitchy

Who is this impostor and what has she done with Joanna Krupa, because the real Joanna Krupa would never wear that many clothes while around the paps she called – Egotastic!

Falkors Rimes says she never shamed her stepson, her words were taken out of context and shame on everyone for believing everything they read. No, Falkor, shame on you for accusing the highly ethical literary journal The Daily Mail of twisting your words. They would never! – Reality Tea

The Imitation Game doesn’t have a hot gay fuck scene between Matthew Goode and Bensonandhedges Caramelsnatch, and Matthew Goode likes it that way – Towleroad

Kendra Wilkinson isn’t the brightest dildo around, so I shouldn’t be surprised that she didn’t know being Hef’s girlfriend meant she had to bounce on his tequila worm dick – Egotastic!

Kendull Jenner looks like a Hitler Youth Janet from Three’s Company on the cover of Dazed Magazine - Drunken Stepfather

This French Bulldog tripping on the beach in slow motion is a visual interpretation of what my brain goes through when I try to solve a math problem without a calculator – The Berry

Michael Fassbender as Steve Jobs makes zero sense to me, but it’ll make a whole lot of sense to me if he plays the role in a turtleneck and nothing else – IDLYITW

I bet this Wiener Dog’s trainer was Tonya HardingHollywood Tuna

The pattern on Rosario Dawson’s dress legitimately looks like the wallpaper from Home Depot my abuelita wanted to put up in my mom’s kitchen – Popoholic

RUUUUUUN, JANA DUGGAR, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! – Jezebel

Brace yourselves, Joel McHale is making Comment Trolls: The TV Show – Pajiba

This German Shepard slays the beat better than I do, but that’s not saying much – Popsugar

When Chelsea Handler met the Hammaconda (and I can’t believe she’s wearing a top!) – SOW

The shit that is covering Katy Perry’s outfit looks like some stuff Ursula the Sea Witch would squirt up – Just Jared

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Jennifer Aniston Pranked BBC Radio 1′s Chris Stark With An Awkward As Hell Interview

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Chris Stark, who you may or may not know as the star of that awkwardly charming Mila Kunis interview, once again found himself in the middle of an awkward BBC Radio 1 interview with Jennifer Aniston, except this time it wasn’t so much charming as it was deeply cringeworthy. Us Weekly says Chris’s boss Scott Mills spoke to Jennifer Aniston before the interview and convinced her to help him pull a prank on Chris by reacting to every one of his questions with a face full of NO. And she did it, because if Jenny wants that Horrible Bosses 3 paycheck, she needs to first hustle the hell out of Horrible Bosses 2.

I have to give a slow clap to Jennifer Aniston, because whenever I try to prank someone (ie. every day at 4pm when I call my sister at work pretending to be the IRS) my dumb ass always end up breaking character 3 seconds in. But Jenny kept it together the whole time. It’s like she was pretending that every question he asked her was about Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, poor Chris Stark is sitting there all confused like “Bloody ‘ell, why is she so pissed? Not once have I asked her about Angelina!

And if you watch this video for anything, it should be for Chris Stark stuttering over the words “bloke’s parts” at the 4:05 mark. BLOKE’S PARTS! Thanks for the charming new term for dicks and balls, Chris!

In case you want to see what Jennifer Aniston would look like wearing a shirt made out of your mother’s living room sheers, here’s Jenny arriving to Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Monday:

Pics: Wenn.com

Bette Midler Is Sorry For That Time She Called Ariana Grande Latte A Silly High-Voiced Whore

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

It appears the feud between The Divine Miss M and the come-to-life Ever After High doll has ended before it really even got started. After Bette Midler called her out for working the sexy baby hooker angle to sell records during an interview with The Telegraph, Ariana Grande Latte responded by posting an old ass picture of Bette with her tits out in a mermaid bikini to Twitter along with a comment about the Bette she loved being a non-judgmental feminist, and that she still planned to quote The First Wives Club every day regardless of what this new pearl-clutching Bette thinks.

Well, Bette clearly received Ariana’s message calling her out for being a whore-shaming hypocrite, because last night Bette tweeted Bette’s version of an apology:

Screen Shot 2014-11-26 at 11.13.10 AM

The only thing that makes me sadder than seeing someone hit reverse on the shade they threw is the term “reformed old whore”. You should never deny your whore heritage, especially as you enter your twilight years! A whore is like a fine French wine or a fancy cheese; they only get better with age. Pull that shell bra out of storage and let your inner old whore out, Bette!

Then again, maybe Bette is trolling. “Beautiful voice“? That seems suspicious. “Passable karaoke-version of Mariah Carey voice“, maybe, but beautiful? I see you Bette.

But back to Ariana Grande Latte’s comment about quoting The First Wives Club every day. I don’t know if that is supposed to make me like her more or less. What am I saying? I doubt she’s actually watched it. She probably just saw a super cut of that trampy bitch Shelly Stewart and was like “THAT! I WANT TO BE THAT!

Open Post & Programming Note: Hosted By Chicken Cutlets Stroking A Carrot

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Because I’ve had it with the sun and its warm rays heating up my ass cheeks (“Oh, poor you. #CaliforniaProblems” – Allison as she tries to keep her nalgas warm by sitting on a fresh-out-of-the oven baking sheet wrapped in a thick tea towel), I’m in NYC for the Thanksgiving holiday. It’s snowing and I’m into it. The only shoes I brought have soles as flat as Blake NoSoLively’s personality and I expect to slip, fall, bust my ass lips and bruise up my nalgas. It’ll be the most action I’ve had in years and the pavement and I will share a joint together afterward.

So because I’m in NYC and Allison will also be celebrating Thanksgiving with us American whores by swallowing an entire can of cranberries before washing it down with turkey soda, Dlisted will be on vacation mode for the next few days. To answer the question in your head: Yes, now that you mention it, we’re always on vacation mode. So consider this vacation vacation mode. Our regularly scheduled fuckery will resume on Saturday. That’s if whatever is left of my brain hasn’t completely melted and dripped out of my ears from all the boozing and trying to switch subjects when someone brings up Bill Cosby.

And now I leave you with these pictures of the Phoebe Price, the other white meat, hand jobbing a snowman’s carrot nose and licking her way to all kinds of diseases by putting her tongue on a fake lollipop at The Grove in L.A. the other day. PP truly suffers to give us beautiful pictures that are so elegant, so timeless and so artistic that you’d think they were ripped from the pages of French Vogue circa 1965. No, I don’t know why in the hell PP’s dressed like that, but I’m guessing she just got done with her shift as a go-go dancer at a Dia de los Muertos-themed bar and grill.

Pics: Wenn.com

Eva Mendes Talks About Her Baby

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

When Eva Mendes was knocked up with the Internet’s boyfriend’s baby, she did everything to hide her growing fetus dome including comically covering it with everything in her fucking closet. I expected her to hire two dudes to carry a giant armoire in front of her at all times so nobody would see that she had a CASE OF THE BABIES! She was a walking “privacy please” sign and I don’t think she ever confirmed she had a baby. But now that she’s birthed out her and Ryan Gosling’s daughter Esmerelda Amada, she’s talking about everything from not having nannies to confirming that they named their kid after what you thought they named her after.

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Michael Lohan May Have Faked His Marriage, Says Dina Lohan

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.

TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!

Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!

That’s Not KFed’s Peen On The Internet, So Says KFed

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday, an email dropped into my inbox with the subject “KFed’s dick!” and I clicked on that shit like the year was 2003 and I had a brand new bottle of Cheetos-scented lube next to me. I didn’t care if it was KFed’s dick during his PopoZao phase or KFed’s dick today, because I’m thirstier than Kristin Scott Thomas when she was dying in that cave in The English Patient.

But then I clicked on the link and the truth dick-slapped me right in the face. It totally wasn’t KFed’s salchicha, because the peen was completely queso-free and the bed sheets in the picture were way too clean and not covered in Doritos crumbs, In-N-Out wrappers and stains that may or may not be from Taco Bell refried beans. Not KFed!

The real life inspiration for Sweet Dee’s mentally challenged rapper piece tells TMZ that he’s seen the picture making the rounds and the beef wellington peen in the picture doesn’t belong to him. KFed’s crotch tattoos aren’t in the picture and his peen is way bigger. So he says. Yeah, you could make a joke about how it must be huge if KFed can see it past his FUPA, but I’ve always thought he had a Pringle can dick. Brit Brit was obviously dickmatized and he didn’t get “PopoZao” from the Brazilians. It’s what Brit Brit screamed the first time he stuck the tip in.

Anyway, I’ll stop with the words now and get to the dick. If you haven’t already seen Not KFed’s dick, click here to see. I’d hit it, whoever that is.

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