I have literally been staring at this picture of Jennifer Aniston with her 45-year-old tits out for about 18 minutes and wondering which I should be more jealous of: that her tits are 1,000x better than mine (“Well, start wearing a bra then, dummy!” – hissed my tits) or that she’s made herself a handy built-in shelf for holding her drinks when her arms get tired. Yeah, you’re right – the second one. I would give anything for a built-in booze holder.
Last night was the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere in Los Angeles, and I know I talked a lot about Jenny’s chichis at the London premiere, but that was NOTHING compared to the bridal boobs bonanza she was serving up last night. Everything about her look is so great, from the “Yeah I just woke up in a casino bathroom” hair to the hand-beaded beauty pageant pearl couture to the Orange Opulence spray tan. She’s beautiful – she’s exactly what I want to look like when I get married; like an upscale mermaid escort.
She also gets points for looking like a slutty cosplay of Kelly and Brenda at the Spring Dance, which is always and forever the look.
Here’s more of potential future Academy Award-nominated actress Jennifer Aniston working wedding stripper on top and funeral stripper on the bottom at the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere, as well as all the dudes in that movie (smug SNL dude, Arrested Development dude, Charlie from It’s Always Sunny), and for some reason Bai Ling – you know what? She doesn’t need a reason to be there. Bai Ling should be invited to everything.
I can’t decide if John Stamos’ belly button looks like a mushroom-headed dick poking out of his stomach or a skin-colored clown nose or the button nose of a bearded old man with no eyes? Well, whatever it looks like, I’d still lube it up with Dannon Oikos yogurt and hit it.
On Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, he presented the 8th edition of the segment where famous types read mean tweets written by either Jimmy Kimmel’s writing team or actual Twatterers. This one gave us Lela Durham (copyright: Valerie Cherish) and her dog tits, John Stamos’ bubble belly button, Lisa Kudrow (who gets an A+++ in reacting), crack head Jon Hamm, raper-faced Scott Foley, Bob Newhart, Ted Danson and his majestic silver cliff of hair and Brit Brit who wore a turkey oven bag and looked like she laughed to keep from melting into a puddle of tears and Frapps. Most of these are good, but out of the billions of mean tweets about Goopy Paltrow, that’s the one they chose?!
Big Bird should’ve read that first one, because nothing is meaner than being compared to Goopy.
Gwyneth Paltrow Slaps Back At Martha Stewart’s “Concious Coupling Pie” With A Recipe For “Jailbird Cake”
The passive-aggressive rich white lady food feud continues! Back in October, life inspiration and OG Martha Stewart came for snobby cup of cultured almond milk Gwyneth Paltrow by publishing a feature on Thanksgiving pie recipes in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living titled “Concious Coupling“. And yesterday, Gwyneth took out her earrings (“Here Tracy, hold my $12,050 Harry Winston pink diamond studs“) and took a swipe at Martha by posting a recipe for “Jailbird Cake” to GOOP.com. First pies, now cakes? Damn, these bitches fight dirty!
Goopy’s Jailbird Cake was included in a collection of four no-bake Thanksgiving desserts, which she describes as “un-goop, unhealthy dessert recipes—they’re all simple, gratifying, and hugely crowd-pleasing.” Oooh, it sounds like someone’s been taking lessons from Miss Anna’s School of Backhanded Shade! “Jailbird cake” = “Un-goop” = “What was jail like, Martha? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been!” cackles Gwyneth from the reading room in the guest house at Castle Goopskull. For someone who looks like a sun-bleached sea shell, she sure can throw shade.
My only problem with Gwyneth’s Jailbird Cake (aside from the fact that it looks like a sloppy plate of zebra dookie) is that it features nothing you would find in prison. If you’re going to shade Martha Stewart by making something called Jailbird Cake, you make that shit authentic! Instead of chocolate wafers, whipped cream, sugar, and vanilla, it should have been made with a handful of factory damaged sandwich cookies given to you by your cellmate after they licked all the cream out, “whipped topping”, 20-year-old packets of NutriSweet, and vanilla-flavored lube. That’s how you make a Jailbird Cake.
Lisa Simpson attempts to break the internet – Pink Is The Blonde of Colors
Nippy Headed Ho – loozer
Pic: Eat Liver
The Saskatchewan Grampa Simpson who screams at snowflakes, punches the cold wind and only gets warmth from screaming and ranting about a morning show host calling the ugly, nasty, butthole-freezing weather “nice.”
Winter is real and winter has come early. I mean, it’s even winter in California. I had to wear socks with my flip flops and a light sweater over a tank top and Speedos to go to Smart & Final to buy pink wine and caramel corn. You know it’s serious when you have to wear socks with your flip flops. In other parts of the country and Canada, it’s a real shit show and it looks like Nicole Kidman’s toilet after she poops out an icy bowel movement. It’s like living in Queen Elsa’s queef. Allison has to type out all her posts with a stick because she’s wearing 10 pairs of mittens. (Yes, I pay her in walnut shells and lube coupons, so she cannot afford heat!)
It’s so cold in the C and the last thing some Canadians want to hear is how “nice” the weather is, because that frozen shit is only “nice” to Snow Miser and polar bears. When Sheila Coles, the radio host of CBC Saskatchewan’s Morning Edition said that the weekend’s weather was going to be “nice,” one Canadian hero lost it and left her a voicemail where he let her know that there’s nothing “nice” about the early polar vortex fucking everyone in the ass. Dude let out a beautiful, glorious, curse-filled Canadian rant about the disgusting weather and when he said “howl,” I howled. When he said, “This province is the asshole of the world and will suck the life outta ya,” I got life several times. This guy gets so hot that his rage almost melted the shell of ice that his b-hole is encased in.
It gets better toward the end, okay. He spits out a conspiracy theory that is definitely 100% true, okay. He lets it be known that he’s got those hussies’ number, okay. He thinks that the CBC radio hosts are only saying the weather is going to be “nice,” because the government doesn’t want people to off themselves over the cold ass weather. If they offed themselves, how would they pay those crazy, freakin’ taxes?
How can I become a citizen of Canada so I can nominate this dude for President of EVERYTHING?
This King of Keeping It Real’s poetic rant auto-plays, so I’ve put it behind a cut. It needs to be Canada’s new anthem.
Goldie Hawn (69)
Jordan Lloyd from Big Brother US (28)
Carly Rae Jepsen (29)
Guy Wilson (29)
Lindsey Haun (30)
Jena Malone (30)
Brie Bella (31)
Nikki Bella (31)
Ryan Starr (32)
Cherie Johnson (39)
Brook Kerr (41)
Rain Phoenix (42)
Michael Strahan (43)
Ken Griffey Jr. (45)
Troy Aikman (48)
Nicollette Sheridan (51)
Cherry Jones (58)
Lorna Luft (62)
Marcy Carsey (70)
Juliet Mills (73)
Marlo Thomas (77)
In pucker-inducing news, John Cameron Mitchell is pulling out his wig in a box and Sharpie to play Hedwig in NYC again. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed this before, but JCM as Hedwig kind of looks like Juliette Lewis as a chola Dolly Parton - Towleroad
Lindsay Lohan poses with makeup artist friend Charlotte Tilbury at the launch of something in London. Whenever they’re together, I’m sure LiLo hears people say to her, “Lindsay, I didn’t know you had a granddaughter!” – Lainey Gossip
I’m looking at Rose McGowan’s landing strip and thinking to myself, “So that’s where Robert Pattinson got the inspiration for his new haircut.” – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Good news for grown dudes who really want to look like Justin Bieber or moronic man children who still shit their Underoos (same thing, I know)! Sock mogul Rob Kartrashian is making onesies now – Celebitchy
I do love a good AVENGING! - Reality Tea
BREAKING: Kanye West might’ve done something right for a change – Jezebel
Bella Thorne is in a bikini and if you read the name Bella as “Bell-Uh,” you’re wrong. It’s “Bee-ya,” thankyouverymuch – The Superficial
RiRi is giving you sexy Southern Mary Kay saleswoman – Hollywood Tuna
Somewhere up in the cloud world, a giant is saying to himself, “Hmmm, now what did I do with my white napkin?” – Popoholic
Just so you know, Amanda Seyfried is a member of The Famous White Girl Friends Of Taylor Swift Club, apparently – IDLYITW
Still not as gross as all the times Kendra put Hugh Hefner’s dick in her mouth – WWTDD
More like, “Ty Herndon Comes Out As A 52-Year-old.” He’s 52?! I need to get a moisturizer regime STAT – Popsugar
The Real Housewives of Cheshire is a show that is happening – OMG Blog
Okay, but home births still aren’t as “unsanitary” as this trick’s family – ICYDK
If you want, you can watch the Pitch Perfect 2 trailer while I’m in the background screaming, “MAKE THAT CUPS SONG STOP!” – Pajiba
We all get old even PUPPIES!!! – The Berry
Winnie Cooper got married, and not to Kevin – Just Jared
So this happened on American Horror Story: Freak Show last night – HuffPo
Since I have the attention span of a goldfish on coke, I usually fast forward through any viral videos that are more than 3 minutes long, but I watched this one that took over the internet from the hilarious beginning to the hilarious end. It has everything you need in a 6 minute-long viral video. It has memaws, a bong, queef talk and a vaporizer that looks like a big black dildo with a straw sticking out of it.
The one on the left is my inspiration. You know that isn’t her first time around a bong. She’s just pretending she’s not an experienced stoner who tokes from a one-hitter in the bathroom during knitting circle with the other grannies. I almost believed her when she asked, “What’s queefing?” That word has totally come out of her mouth before.
Dorothea, the granny in the middle, tells TMZ that she’s done with riding the green cloud. She also told Animal New York that she thought she would see colors and shit. Please tell me there’s a sequel called “Grandmas Dropping Acid For The First Time” in the works.
This makes me wish I could remember my first time breathing in the good shit. If only all the weed smoke I’ve inhaled over the years didn’t eat that memory from my brain.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run off to Telecharge to buy tickets for Pussy Fart: The Musical.
British chef Jamie Oliver is a guy who loves food, so it should come as no surprise that he’d manage to find a way to discipline his kids with it. According to The Daily Mail, Jamie recently gave an impromptu crash-course in food-based mouth torture during an appearance at the BBC Good Food Show when he admitted to keeping his kids in line by sneaking hot peppers into their mouths. Why hot peppers? Because he’s famous and he can’t get caught by the paps…er…”removing his chancla”, so to speak:
“I give them chillies for punishment. It is not very popular beating kids any more, it’s not very fashionable and you are not allowed to do it and if you are a celebrity chef like me it does not look very good in the paper. So you need a few options.”
He then proceeded to tell the story about the time his 12-year-old daughter Poppy was being rude and disrespectful and acting like a straight-up brat (source: was once a bratty 12-year-old girl). But instead of punishing her in the most ruthless way you can punish a 12-year-old girl – by taking away Mall Madness - he taught her a lesson by grabbing a hot pepper and rubbing it all over her food:
“Poppy was quite disrespectful and rude to me and she pushed her luck. In my day I would have got a bit of a telling-off but you are not allowed to do that. Five minutes later she thought I had forgotten and I hadn’t. She asked for an apple. I cut it up into several pieces and rubbed it with Scotch Bonnet and it worked a treat. She ran up to mum and said, ‘This is peppery’. I was in the corner laughing. [Jools] said to me, ‘Don’t you ever do that again’.”
“Damn, Jamie – I’m the asshole British chef, remember?” says Gordon Ramsay, as he whips an overcooked beef wellington at his sous chef.
I’m sure there are some people right now who are screaming “CHILD ABUSE!!!” while running to the fridge to grab a glass of milk for poor Poppy, to which I’d like to add “AND ALSO FOOD ABUSE!!!“, because food should NEVER be used for evil! And Jamie’s a dum dum, because I’m pretty sure this is how prank wars are started. Jamie is gonna get got – Poppy is 12, and 12-year-olds are smart. Look out Jamie – you’re about 3 hot pepper apples away from finding Nair in your shampoo or your toilet seat wrapped in Saran Wrap.
FYI: Stacey Dash Would Like Everyone To Know That Bill Cosby Was Always A “Perfect Gentleman” To Her
The Bill Cosby situation keeps getting messier and messier and messier. New alleged victims have come forward, more companies have dropped him and last night the AP released a clip from a recent interview where Bill filled the room with a cloud of stank entitlement as he threw death glares at a reporter who brought up the allegations. As his wife smiled a happy smile next to him, Bill refused to talk about it and asked the reporter to not include that part in the interview. In the middle of all of that, ageless wreck Stacey Dash piped in to remind everyone that she exists and to also let everyone know that Bill Cosby never attacked her. Unlike Raven-Symone, a fake story claiming that Bill Cosby assaulted Stacey Dash never made the rounds. She just wanted to let everyone know, okay? If Don Lemon wasn’t gay, he and Stacey would make a serious super power couple. Here’s what Stacey tweeted:
I worked with @BillCosby in '86 when I was 19. We were alone together many times. He was a perfect gentleman & became a mentor to me.
— Stacey Dash (@REALStaceyDash) November 20, 2014
Stacey tweeted it again, but added “@etnow” because she really wanted to get the word out since everybody (read: nobody) was wondering.
Stacey went on to tweet, “I read a book about @jeffreydahmer in ’06. Just want to let everyone know that he never murdered and ate me. @radar_online.” A few hours later, she also tweeted, “Just watched Chasing Madoff from ’10. I’d like everyone to know that @BernieMadoff never stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from me. @examinercom @starcasm.”
Glad you cleared that up for us, Stacey.