Archives: November 2014

Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Whistle Pops!

Whistle Pops (and Chupa Chups Melody Pops) came from the 80s and 90s, but they still exist today, which is surprising since you’d think that the government would have declared them weapons of mass destruction and destroyed them all. Whistle Pops are exactly what they look like. They’re lollipops that make sound. We know that Lucifer is alive and well and walks amongst us on earth, because he obviously created these dark-sided tools of torture to fuck with the nerves of parents and drive them over the edge.

I haven’t blown one of these in years (I can say that about a lot of things, I know), but I remember it sounding worse than JLo’s live singing voice and spit collected on the inside of it. It became a corn syrup and kid spit lollipop real quick. But it still brought minutes and minutes of entertainment. It was also the perfect parent repellant. As soon as you started playing it, your parents would pack up all their shit, leave you $15 for a pizza, throw their shit in the car, back up out of the driveway and drive like they were Thelma & Louise heading for Mexico. By the time you were done playing your Whistle Pop, you’d be an orphan and your parents would be listening to the sound of beautiful silence far, far away.

You should really get a Whistle Pop before going to your family’s house for Thanksgiving. If they say any shit you’re not into, just pull out your Whistle Pop and blow until they disappear.

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Birthday Sluts

November 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Tina Turner (75)
Rita Ora (24)
Kat DeLuna (27)
Lil’ Fizz (29)
Natasha Bedingfield (33)
Tammy Lynn Michaels (40)
Peter Facinelli (41)
Kristin Bauer van Straten (48)
Garcelle Beauvais (48)
Scott Adsit (49)
Lisa Moretti (53)
Ilona Staller (63)
John McVie (69)
Jean Terrell of The Supremes (70)
Rich Little (76)

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Night Crumbs

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m not sure why Rihanna is dressed like a late-90s JNCO-wearing E-gobbling Bif Naked-loving suburban skate park raver, but I don’t hate it  – Lainey Gossip

Claudia Jordan from RHOA is wearing a dress that I can only describe as Sexy Mega Man, and now I’m really curious what that says about me (“It says you’re a huge nerd!” screamed my vintage Nintendo video game collection) – Reality Tea

Reese Witherspoon’s daughter Ava Phillippe is serving up some sassy teenage Glimmer from She-Ra realness, and that’s never a bad thing – Celebitchy

And that’s how you get a cease-and-desist letter from Austin Powers – Hollywood Tuna

Happy Thanksgiving from Chlöe Sevigny’s non-union equivalent! – Towleroad

There’s a Dollar Tree version of everyone if you look hard enough. Case in point, Ela Rose, the Dollar Tree Chrissy Teigen – WWTDD

Cut to John Mayer’s penis sending Josh Kelley a Thank You gift basket – The Superficial

Here is a picture of Chelsea Handler resting her tits on a boom box, if you need that in your life – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Apparently billion-dollar soap tycoon Jessica Alba doesn’t work out with 3lb bottles of dish soap like I assumed she did – Popoholic

I always read #21 in the voice of The Deaner, like “fuckin’ twigs” – Popsugar

Kate Hudson says you’ve got to work out if you want to lose weight, but what I want to know is for why is she wearing an extra-large napkin as a dress?  – ICYDK

15 people (and one security guard) showed up to a Fifth Harmony show, which actually isn’t too bad considering it looks like they performed on the side of the road – OMG Blog

Why do I get the feeling Courteney Cox could swear those bitches under the table like a champ? – SOW

Cool, but what I’d really like are some dick pics of Ikaika KahoanoJust Jared

Hollywood, you can reboot any 80s movie you want, just PLEASE don’t touch The ‘Burbs! – Pajiba

Ariana Grande Latte swipes back at Bette Midler for calling her a trampy toddler-voiced hussy – Jezebel

Alternate title for #11: the Dlisted office dress code  – The Berry

Pic: Splash

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Open Post: Hosted By Lady CaCa’s Ridiculous Inflatable Sea Urchin Costume

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Sometimes I really miss Lady CaCa’s (I said sometimes, ho) acts of desperate, shameless fuckery and today I really needed the laughs this disastrous mess brought me. Thank you, Gaga.

Before going into the closing party for her ArtRave tour in Paris last night, Lady CaCa stood on the sidewalk and completely transformed into a gigantic spiked asshole by inflating her Party City costume. An inflated costume to match her inflated ego. It’s a perfect marriage. Bitch looks like a humongous Christmas tree ornament and where was a 20 foot cat when we really, really needed one?

The video is even more of a gift. CaCa’s standing there on the sidewalk with a look on her face that’s supposed to say, “I am BIG, it’s the pictures that got small,” but she looks more like she’s trying to sneeze and cough at the same time. I know, an inflatable star. That a metaphor that’s stabbing you in the face.

I don’t exactly know where the pump is, but judging by the look on her face, we know exactly where the pumps is. Or maybe her farts are keeping it inflated.

If you’re screaming at CaCa to have a seat, look at her. She can’t have a seat. Tell her to have a lean instead.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Dame St. Angie Says She’s Still Trying To Get The Hang Of The Whole “Wife” Thing

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Sleepy-voiced grandpa Tom Brokaw must have some pull with God, because he was recently given the honor of sitting down with Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth Dame St. Angelina Jolie for an interview for the TODAY show. No, it’s actually because he’s making a documentary with her about the making of her film Unbroken (working title: Unbroken: The Story of St. Angie’s Twig-Like Arms).

And speaking of grandpas, Tom opens the interview by asking Angie a point-blank question about her marriage to human drug rug Brad Pitt, specifically if anything has changed since they made it legal. This is where I thought DSt.A was going to hiss “Well, we’ve started having more smoke-filled fights on a fancy balconies, for one thing” but she says the only thing that’s really changed is that she’s still trying to get used to being a wife.

“I think we have more moments where I say, ‘I’m going to be a better wife! I’m going to learn to cook,’ and he says, ‘Oh honey, know what you’re good at, know what you’re not.’ He knows my limitations and where I’m a good wife and a good mom.”

Oh, how sweet of Dame St. Angie to pretend she’s bad at something! That’s really very kind of her to act like she doesn’t wake up every morning on a bed of baby angel wings, float down the stairs of Château du Cheekbones, perform a series of breakfast miracles like turning water into freshly-squeezed orange juice and poaching eggs with the warmth of her heart, then chuckling a lighthearted laugh when Brad shuffles into the kitchen, bypasses the beautiful spread she’s created, and pours milk directly into a box of Lucky Charms.

And here’s Dame St. Angie of the People at the UK premiere of Unbroken looking like a skinny alien clone of Kate Middleton.

Pics: Splash

LeAnn Rimes Wants You To Know That She Was So Much Better Than Her Stepson When She Was His Age

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Scientists and animal experts will tell you that luck dragons are usually very maternal and The NeverEnding Story showed us that they usually have words of support and wisdom for young humans. That trait must’ve passed LeAnn Rimes by.

LeAnn did a looooooooong interview with The Mail on Sunday (via InTouch) where she continued to show us that she lives in a fart bubble of delusion by saying that she and Eddie Cibrian were meant to be together and splitting up is not an option. (Cut to next year when the money train crashes and burns and Eddie leaves her for an extra from Vanderpump Rules.) LeAnn also talked about her upbringing and how she was the one putting food on the table at a really young age. LeAnn says that when she was a kid, she was EVERY kid. She was doing it all. So when she looks at her 11-year-old bonus son trying to get his shoe lace game together, she lets out a “pfft” over what a simpleton he is.

My mum and dad were not meant to be together. They got divorced when I was 14. I was sad but I was also fine; there was so much going on with my career that there wasn’t a lot of time to talk about it. But they instilled great values in me. I attribute my work ethic to my dad. He taught me to show up on time and know what I was doing. I have a great reputation in this business because of that. Most people don’t come back from things like my dad and I went through [the court case]. We didn’t speak for three and a half years. But now we are close. Eddie and I take his kids to visit my dad in Nashville.

I was super-driven as a kid. Even though I was on the road a lot, the teachers would give me homework and I would get it all done. I look at my 11-year-old stepson Mason, and I’m like, ‘I signed a record deal when I was your age. You’re still fumbling with tying your shoelaces.’

I went to Brand Glanville’s Twitter and it’s still standing and hasn’t collapsed into a pile of rage, wine-infused tears and ash, which is surprising.

LeAnn is seriously such a kind and supportive bonus mom. But you know, the paparazzi that she calls have taken pictures of her doing absolutely EVERYTHING and yet, I’ve never seen pictures of her tying her shoe laces. Hmmm… Come to think of it, I don’t think luck dragons can tie their shoe laces. Shoe laces confuse them. So yeah, she’s looking down at little Mason for not getting a record deal at the age of 11 and yet ho can’t even tie her own laces. Get off your high horse, high horse.

Here’s the kind and supportive bonus mom, her piece and her bonus kids at The Grove’s Christmas tree lighting ceremony the other day. I see LeAnn flirting with Santa while he’s wondering why Blitzen is saying human words to him.

Pics: Wenn.com 

So I Guess Tiger Lily Just Got Back From Burning Man…

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Peter Pan is so NOW in Hollywood. They’re giving us that soon-to-be shipwreck TV Peter Pan musical starring Brian Williams’ daughter and next year they’re giving us that “international, multi-cultural” (the director’s words, not mine) Pan movie directed by Joe Wright. The trailer was released today and it’s so international and so multi-cultural that watching it will make you feel like you’re speeding through the It’s A Small World ride.

Pan is the untold story (when you’re told the story is untold, it’s probably been told before) of Peter Pan’s origins and it stars Hugh Jackmeoff as Blackbeard, Garrett GimmeHedlund as a young, sexy, pre-evil Captain Hook, Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily, Cara Delawhatever as a mermaid and Levi Miller as Peter Pan. The beginning of the trailer looks like every other fantasy movie out today and shit gets messy when Tiger Lily and her tribe of Coachella lizards pop up on the screen. If Joe Wright’s vision of Tiger Lily is a festival-hopping mess who loves molly and wears outfits from the House of You So Different, he should have just cast Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens. She’s already got the costumes and she can do that “stoned Zoolander deer caught in the headlights” look better than Rooney can.

While watching the trailer, just focus on Garrett Hedlund’s swoon worthy tendrils and you should be okay:

Even Hugh Jackman looks a mess. I don’t like it when he wears clothes even when the clothes make him look like a medieval Liberace mixed with Gary Oldman’s Dracula. But I’m glad that one of John Travolta’s wigs got extra work on Hugh’s head.

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Here’s The Newest Trailer For Jurassic World Starring America’s Sweetheart Chris Pratt

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

So the trailer for Jurassic World was released today, and in case you hadn’t guessed, it’s filled with dinosaurs. It also has a hot mustachioed Chris Pratt. I know, that alone is all you need to know. “HOT CHRIS PRATT WITH A SEXY MOUSTACHE, THE END”, followed by a bunch of gifs of him looking hot. Other than dinosaurs and Chris Pratt, I knew very little about Jurassic World going in to this trailer, but here’s what I’ve gleaned:

1. Remember the first time a scientist filled an island with dinosaurs and the dinosaurs lost their goddamn minds and started eating people and everyone was like “Fuck this, we need to get out of here“? Apparently no one else remembers either, because they’ve done it again. Welcome to Mistake Island!

2. Kitty Sanchez from Arrested Development thinks it’s a-ok to send two kids to dinosaur island by themselves. Kitty NO! That’s a terrible idea! CPS is on line one, Kitty.

3. There is a terrifying water dinosaur equivalent of Shamu who eats a whole shark. They don’t mention its name, but I’m willing to guess it’s something like Sea Nightmare or Piss Pantsasaurus.

4. No Jeff Goldblum. I repeat, NO JEFF GOLDBLUM!

Obviously, you don’t need to see this movie if you’ve ever ridden the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios Orlando, because Jurassic World is pretty much the same thing: get on a boat, go to dinosaur island, one of the dinosaurs flips its shit, escape before you get eaten. Oh, what am I even saying? I’ve ridden that ride at least 10 times and my dumb dinosaur-obsessed ass will still be first in line on opening night.

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Bette Midler’s Pro Tip For Ariana Grande Latte: Stop Whoring It Up To Get Ahead

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, it’s official. Bette Midler is my tia who tells my cousins to pull down their skirts and stop running around looking like prostitutas.

Bette Midler took a little break from hunting down the pieces of trash who throw trash out of their car windows to tell The Telegraph how she really feels about the state of pop music today. While talking about her album of girl group covers, Tia Bathhouse Betty says that she’s sick of female pop singers using tits, ass and sex to sell albums and get people to pay attention to them. Bette, who got her start singing in gay bathhouses, used the Lolita Steve Madden bobblehead Ariana Grande Latte as an example. Bette shakes her head at Ariana when that prostituta niña humps a couch while yodeling out one of her shitty songs.

“It’s terrible! It’s always surprising to see someone like Ariana Grande with that silly high voice, a very wholesome voice, slithering around on a couch, looking so ridiculous. I mean, it’s silly beyond belief and I don’t know who’s telling her to do it. I wish they’d stop. But it’s not my business, I’m not her mother. Or her manager. Maybe they tell them that’s what you’ve got to do. Sex sells. Sex has always sold.”

Bette then got into the whole “sex sells” thing and doesn’t know why pop tricks are serving up some fuck action during their performances:

“Well whatever strictures there were have fallen apart. And now it’s whatever you feel like doing you can do. I mean, apparently people really like to pretend they’re having sex. They really like to slap each other’s butts. I mean, don’t ask me. It’s beyond me. I’m too old. I don’t know what the end game is going to be. I don’t know where you go from all that sex in your twenties. I don’t know how you sustain it.”

Finally, Bette had a little advice for pop yodelers like Ariana Grande Latte:

“Trust your talent. You don’t have to make a whore out of yourself to get ahead. You really don’t.”

Bette then went on to say, “And stop humping my lawn and get off of it, you hussy harlot whores!

Bette is right about Ariana Grande. Ariana looks like she’s 12 and she’s always done up like a toddler Lola Bunny, so when she starts bringing the sex, I don’t know whether to laugh or scream for the authorities. Even Abby Lee Miller’s like, “Tone it down, girl, tone it down.” But then again what’s wrong with whoring it up to get some head (typo and it stays)? Whenever I have a thought to ponder, I look to the words of wisdom from our Patron Saint of Philosophy Cristal Connors. We all know how Cristal Connors feels about whoring it up.

“We’re all whores, darlin’!” – Cristal Confucius Connors to Bette Midler and the world.

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