Archives: November 2014

Birthday Sluts

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Goldie Hawn (69)
Jordan Lloyd from Big Brother US (28)
Carly Rae Jepsen (29)
Guy Wilson (29)
Lindsey Haun (30)
Jena Malone (30)
Brie Bella (31)
Nikki Bella (31)
Ryan Starr (32)
Cherie Johnson (39)
Brook Kerr (41)
Rain Phoenix (42)
Michael Strahan (43)
Ken Griffey Jr. (45)
Troy Aikman (48)
Björk (49)
Nicollette Sheridan (51)
Cherry Jones (58)
Lorna Luft (62)
Marcy Carsey (70)
Juliet Mills (73)
Marlo Thomas (77)

Pic: Playboy


Night Crumbs

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

In pucker-inducing news, John Cameron Mitchell is pulling out his wig in a box and Sharpie to play Hedwig in NYC again. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed this before, but JCM as Hedwig kind of looks like Juliette Lewis as a chola Dolly Parton  - Towleroad

Lindsay Lohan poses with makeup artist friend Charlotte Tilbury at the launch of something in London. Whenever they’re together, I’m sure LiLo hears people say to her, “Lindsay, I didn’t know you had a granddaughter!” – Lainey Gossip

I’m looking at Rose McGowan’s landing strip and thinking to myself, “So that’s where Robert Pattinson got the inspiration for his new haircut.” – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Good news for grown dudes who really want to look like Justin Bieber or moronic man children who still shit their Underoos (same thing, I know)! Sock mogul Rob Kartrashian is making onesies now – Celebitchy

I do love a good AVENGING! - Reality Tea

BREAKING: Kanye West might’ve done something right for a change – Jezebel

Bella Thorne is in a bikini and if you read the name Bella as “Bell-Uh,” you’re wrong. It’s “Bee-ya,” thankyouverymuch – The Superficial

RiRi is giving you sexy Southern Mary Kay saleswoman – Hollywood Tuna

Somewhere up in the cloud world, a giant is saying to himself, “Hmmm, now what did I do with my white napkin?” – Popoholic

Just so you know, Amanda Seyfried is a member of The Famous White Girl Friends Of Taylor Swift Club, apparently – IDLYITW

Still not as gross as all the times Kendra put Hugh Hefner’s dick in her mouth – WWTDD

More like, “Ty Herndon Comes Out As A 52-Year-old.” He’s 52?! I need to get a moisturizer regime STAT – Popsugar

The Real Housewives of Cheshire is a show that is happening – OMG Blog

Okay, but home births still aren’t as “unsanitary” as this trick’s family – ICYDK

If you want, you can watch the Pitch Perfect 2 trailer while I’m in the background screaming, “MAKE THAT CUPS SONG STOP!” – Pajiba

We all get old even PUPPIES!!! – The Berry

Winnie Cooper got married, and not to KevinJust Jared

So this happened on American Horror Story: Freak Show last night – HuffPo


Open Post: Hosted By Three Memaws Getting High On The Good Shit For The First Time

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Since I have the attention span of a goldfish on coke, I usually fast forward through any viral videos that are more than 3 minutes long, but I watched this one that took over the internet from the hilarious beginning to the hilarious end. It has everything you need in a 6 minute-long viral video. It has memaws, a bong, queef talk and a vaporizer that looks like a big black dildo with a straw sticking out of it.

The one on the left is my inspiration. You know that isn’t her first time around a bong. She’s just pretending she’s not an experienced stoner who tokes from a one-hitter in the bathroom during knitting circle with the other grannies. I almost believed her when she  asked, “What’s queefing?” That word has totally come out of her mouth before.

Dorothea, the granny in the middle, tells TMZ that she’s done with riding the green cloud. She also told Animal New York that she thought she would see colors and shit. Please tell me there’s a sequel called “Grandmas Dropping Acid For The First Time” in the works.

This makes me wish I could remember my first time breathing in the good shit. If only all the weed smoke I’ve inhaled over the years didn’t eat that memory from my brain.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run off to Telecharge to buy tickets for Pussy Fart: The Musical.

via Everywhere


Jamie Oliver Says He Punishes His Kids By Rubbing Hot Peppers On Their Food

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

British chef Jamie Oliver is a guy who loves food, so it should come as no surprise that he’d manage to find a way to discipline his kids with it. According to The Daily Mail, Jamie recently gave an impromptu crash-course in food-based mouth torture during an appearance at the BBC Good Food Show when he admitted to keeping his kids in line by sneaking hot peppers into their mouths. Why hot peppers? Because he’s famous and he can’t get caught by the paps…er…”removing his chancla”, so to speak:

“I give them chillies for punishment. It is not very popular beating kids any more, it’s not very fashionable and you are not allowed to do it and if you are a celebrity chef like me it does not look very good in the paper. So you need a few options.”

He then proceeded to tell the story about the time his 12-year-old daughter Poppy was being rude and disrespectful and acting like a straight-up brat (source: was once a bratty 12-year-old girl). But instead of punishing her in the most ruthless way you can punish a 12-year-old girl – by taking away Mall Madness - he taught her a lesson by grabbing a hot pepper and rubbing it all over her food:

“Poppy was quite disrespectful and rude to me and she pushed her luck. In my day I would have got a bit of a telling-off but you are not allowed to do that. Five minutes later she thought I had forgotten and I hadn’t. She asked for an apple. I cut it up into several pieces and rubbed it with Scotch Bonnet and it worked a treat. She ran up to mum and said, ‘This is peppery’. I was in the corner laughing. [Jools] said to me, ‘Don’t you ever do that again’.”

Damn, Jamie – I’m the asshole British chef, remember?” says Gordon Ramsay, as he whips an overcooked beef wellington at his sous chef.

I’m sure there are some people right now who are screaming “CHILD ABUSE!!!” while running to the fridge to grab a glass of milk for poor Poppy, to which I’d like to add “AND ALSO FOOD ABUSE!!!“, because food should NEVER be used for evil! And Jamie’s a dum dum, because I’m pretty sure this is how prank wars are started. Jamie is gonna get got – Poppy is 12, and 12-year-olds are smart. Look out Jamie – you’re about 3 hot pepper apples away from finding Nair in your shampoo or your toilet seat wrapped in Saran Wrap.

FYI: Stacey Dash Would Like Everyone To Know That Bill Cosby Was Always A “Perfect Gentleman” To Her

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Oh, Dionne…

The Bill Cosby situation keeps getting messier and messier and messier. New alleged victims have come forward, more companies have dropped him and last night the AP released a clip from a recent interview where Bill filled the room with a cloud of stank entitlement as he threw death glares at a reporter who brought up the allegations. As his wife smiled a happy smile next to him, Bill refused to talk about it and asked the reporter to not include that part in the interview. In the middle of all of that, ageless wreck Stacey Dash piped in to remind everyone that she exists and to also let everyone know that Bill Cosby never attacked her. Unlike Raven-Symone, a fake story claiming that Bill Cosby assaulted Stacey Dash never made the rounds. She just wanted to let everyone know, okay? If Don Lemon wasn’t gay, he and Stacey would make a serious super power couple. Here’s what Stacey tweeted:

Stacey tweeted it again, but added “@etnow” because she really wanted to get the word out since everybody (read: nobody) was wondering.

Stacey went on to tweet, “I read a book about @jeffreydahmer in ’06. Just want to let everyone know that he never murdered and ate me. @radar_online.” A few hours later, she also tweeted, “Just watched Chasing Madoff from ’10. I’d like everyone to know that @BernieMadoff never stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from me. @examinercom @starcasm.

Glad you cleared that up for us, Stacey.


Keira Knightley On The Cumberbitches: They’re “Terrifying” And “Lovely”

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above clinging on to Benedict Cumberbatch as they shield themselves from the pussy nectar geysers shooting out of the Cumberbitches at the London premiere of The Imitation Game early last month, Keira Knightley was on Late Night with Seth Meyers last night and the subject of B. Cums’ insane fans came up. There’s no need for the original KK to join the Cumberbitch Protection Program, yet, because yeah, she called them scary, but she did it with ~love~.

KK worked with B. Cums in 2008 while shooting Atonement and that was long before he became the Alien Lizard God of Tumblr, so Seth said that she’s seen the evolution of the Cumberbitches. KK gently tiptoed into the subject by saying they’re “terrifying” yet “lovely.” I see KK adding a little British flavor to “oh honey, bless your heart.The anti-Photoshop activist also told a story about how the Cumberbitches told her to move along.

“It’s terrifying. I mean, they’re lovely. I feel terrified saying they’re terrifying cause they might come after me. So… yes, it’s amazing! They’re very artistic! They paint pictures of him. You go to premieres and there’s these amazing paintings of Ben looking Ben-like… [They're] a very hysterical, artistic type.

I actually had a really embarrassing moment at the London premiere, because — they really do — they scream more than I’ve ever heard for anyone else, but I had a publicist with me and she went, ‘You know, go sign some autographs.’ I went over there and went ‘Oh yeah, of course, of course, no problem!’ And they were like, ‘Oh no, we don’t want you. We’re just here for Ben.’”

Terrifying, hysterical and artistic types… That should be Tumblr’s new tagline! From what I’ve seen, the Cumberbitches don’t seem to be as batshit as some of the other “fandoms,” but I’m still surprised that they shooed KK away the same way Kim Kardashian’s brain shoos away all reasonable thoughts. I mean, KK played B.Cums’ beard in the movie, so I’m assuming they had at least one kissing scene. Since her lips have touched B. Cums’ lips, I’m surprised the Cumberbitches didn’t ask to mate with her mouth or try to rip her mouth skin off.

Here’s the clip of KK talking about the Cumberbitches. Toward the end of the clip, she tells a little story about how her mom, playwright Sharman Macdonald, thinks Breaking Bad is a comedy:

So, KK’s mom sits there laughing while watching bodies melt from acid? I’d call that terrifying and lovel- No, I’d just call that terrifying.

Here’s a maybe pregnant KK leaving a NYC hotel while dressed like a rich hobo farmer.


Ben Affleck Says That Jennifer Takes Care Of The “Lion’s Share” Of The Responsibilities In Their Life

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

On Wednesday night, Jennifer Garner hosted something called the Save the Children Illumination Gala (not to be confused with the Children of the Illuminati Gala, which is hosted every year by Blue Ivy Carter, or “Save that Child!“, the words you shout every time you see a picture of Kim Kardashian holding North West) and one of the awards they handed out was to her husband Ben Affleck. But before Jen presented her husband with an award on stage, Page Six says Ben presented his wife with some thank yous for taking care of all the boring shit at home while he fucks off and plays Batman:

The 42-year-old actor says he’s grateful that his wife takes on the “lion’s share” of responsibilities, dedicating her time to raising their three young children, while maintaining her career and charity work.

“She’s been really smart about choosing her projects, doing ‘Dallas Buyers Club’ or ‘Alexander and the Terrible Day,’ smart, good movies that luckily have been successful. And then, they’re not so time-consuming that she can’t do this work and be there for our kids, which is the most important thing to her.”

Then he added (he totally didn’t): “I really can’t thank her enough for taking care of the kids, because Daddy likes to do a lot of stuff that isn’t exactly kid-friendly, if you catch my drift. I can only imagine that the only thing casinos like less than finding out you’ve been counting cards is discovering that you’ve snuck in a couple of minors so you could play a couple quick hands of blackjack.”

And all that talk about “lion’s share” of the work just made me picture Jennifer Garner dragging an antelope by her teeth through the backyard while a meerkat and a warthog sing a catchy song about taking it easy.

Here’s more of Ben and Jen looking like two uncomfortable teenagers getting their picture taken before the prom at the Save the Children Gala last night:

Pics: Splash,

ABC Is Scared Of The Ass-To-Ass Action That JLo And Iggy Azalea Might Bust Out During The AMAs

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Jlo and Iggy Azalea are going to perform their moist butt burp of a song “Booty” at the American Music Awards on Sunday night. When those two get together to perform a song called “Booty,” you should expect them to rub nalgas so hard that the plastic in Iggy’s ass will get hot and combust. ABC doesn’t want that to happen. They told Iggy and JLo the same thing that Kelly Preston tells John Travolta and his Scientology protege when she leaves them alone in a room together: Keep your b-holes away from each other!

TMZ says that ABC executives have thrown a list of ass “don’ts” at the two. They can’t rub asses and they can’t show their ass cracks. ABC has a serious fear of the butt. ABC is about as scared as Kim Kardashian’s anus bleacher when they separate her cheeks with a crowbar as they’re about to go in. The show will be on a 3-4 second delay and executives have made it clear that they will censor any butt action they think is too much for the innocent, pristine eyes of the public. ABC is okay with them spanking each other, though ABC also didn’t say anything about Iggy and JLo rimming each other or doing each other with a strap-on, so that stuff is probably okay too.

The American Music Awards is full of gaping assholes, so it’s funny that ABC is against a little butt action.

ABC is stupid. What’s the point of getting JLo and Iggy to perform a song called “Booty” if you’re not going to let them serve equal parts elegance and desperation by butt fucking each other with an invisible double-sided dildo? If JLo insists on singing live, ABC should let them do whatever they want with their butts. Because the sound of the pearl clutchers from the Parents Television Council screaming in terror at the sight of all that ass rubbing will drown out the sound of JLo’s hyena warble. What am I saying? The PTC isn’t going to watch the AMAs. They’ll be too busy fapping in the bedroom closet to that Sons of Anarchy sex montage as their little kids watch Hostel in the rec room.

Jose Canseco Says His Finger Never Fell Off During A Poker Game And It Was All A Prank

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

On Saturday, Jose Canseco – the human manifestation of the word DURR – made everyone do a quick reach for the brain bleach when he tweeted that the middle finger he accidentally shot off while cleaning his guns several weeks earlier and had reattached at a later date by (I’m assuming) Dr. Nick Riviera’s less-qualified cousin, had fallen off during a poker game. Jose even claimed that there was a video of his rotten hand sausage falling on to the poker table, so naturally, purveyors of good taste TMZ asked Jose if they could get a copy. That’s when Jose came clean and said there was no video of his frankenfinger falling off, because it never happened.

TMZ says that Jose admitted that he decided to pull the gross prank after he saw a fake severed finger at a Halloween store and thought it would be funny to pretend it was his and sell it on eBay. Wait, hold up, stop the ride – Jose pulled his finger “prank” on November 15th, two whole weeks after Halloween. Are we to assume it took him more than two weeks to compose a tweet that said “Whoops my busted finger fell off“? Actually, it’s Jose Canseco we’re talking about – I should be more surprised that it only took his brain two weeks. Carry on!

So what did happen to Jose’s frankenfinger? According to TMZ, it’s still there on his hand – even though Jose has been tweeting all week that he only has nine fingers, like in this love poem he wrote:

Screen Shot 2014-11-20 at 12.36.37 PM

That’s probably not even part of the prank; that’s just Jose confusing the fake Halloween finger for the real thing. “Oh shit, my finger fell off again! And when did I get these vampire teeth? Looks like Jose is a 9-fingered dracula now.

Pic: Twitter

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