Archives: November 2014

Open Post: Hosted By The Always Stunning Bai Ling

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’re having a difficult time trying to guess what that weird tape shape thing Bai Ling is pointing at on her chest is, I think it’s supposed to be a key. It’s okay, I was too distracted by her beauty as well.

In case you’ve forgotten, Bai Ling is an actress (well, at least until Professional Sexy Lady becomes a recognized career) and her latest movie The Key was screened at The Real Experimental Film Festival in Hollywood last night. Having your movie screen at a film festival is a pretty big deal for an actress, so obviously Bai made sure to look her best on the red carpet. Bai (Miss Ling if you nasty) wore a custom-made self-adhesive top that she paired with an elegant hand-woven peek-a-boo skirt and chiffon showgirl train. Bai has accessorized her look with the key to her storage locker in the Valley worn around her neck and a playful silk rose stapled to her crotch. I believe the silk rose is either Chanel or Hobby Lobby.

And I hope nobody ate before hand, because Bai is serving up an all-you-can-eat FACE BODY FACE buffet. For real, no shade from me – I checked Wikipedia, and Bai Ling is 48 years old. FOUR-TEE-EIGHT! Literally every one of my wrinkles just curled into the fetal position and started weeping.

Pics: Splash


Anna Wintour Is Refusing To Go To Work Because Her New Office Is Infested With Rats

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

When the employees of VOGUE moved into their new office at 1 World Trade Center earlier this month, they discovered a surprise. No, it wasn’t that building management had left them an all-blueberry muffin basket; it was that their office was overrun with rats. RATS! Pointy kitties! Multiple sources tell Gawker that the rat problem is so bad, fancy reptilian humanoid Anna Wintour has informed VOGUE staff that they have to prove that her office is rat-free before she steps into it. No word on where she’s currently working, but I’ll assume she was able to find a warm rock to curl up on.

I’m not sure what Anna’s problem is; rats are super smart! Has she never seen Ratatouille? That one rat learned how to speak English AND cook French food. Show some respect, Anna! And it’s not just rats! Remember how Cinderella’s mice friends designed AND sewed her a ballgown? A BALLGOWN! Rats and mice are practically people! Sure, maybe one will bite you and you’ll have to haul ass to the hospital for a rabies shot, but I’m sure the rest are cool.

Or maybe she refuses to enter her office because she’s terrified that one of the rats will look like Miss Bianca, and she knows she could never compete with such a chic bitch.

I know rats are everywhere in New York City, but I can’t help but wonder if somebody put those rats in Anna Wintour’s office on purpose? Let’s see, who would be deeply tasteless enough to get revenge on Anna Wintour by filling her office with creatures known to hang around trash. Quick, somebody check Kim Kardashian’s klothes for traces of rat hair!

Katy Perry Is Pissed At Australian Paps For Stalking Her On The Beach And Demanding Pics Of Her In A Bikini

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Katy Perry (seen above making the same reaction I make whenever someone says something insulting about my boo Bruce Jenner) is very pissed off at the paparazzi of Australia. Katy is currently down under on the kangaroo leg of her Prismatic Tour, and I guess she finished her vocal warm-ups early because on Friday she decided to take a walk on the beach. Once there, Katy says several paps started following her along the beach, demanding pics of her in her bikini and just generally being troublemaking assholes. So what did Katy do? Katy called them out on Twitter:


She also posted pictures of three of the dudes stalking her with their cameras, one of which sort of looks like the Australian version of Randy from My Name Is Earl.

I’m still confused as to why those persistent tricks needed a shot of Katy in her bathing suit so badly. Have they never seen a 30-year-old American woman in a bikini before? Or maybe those Australian paps heard a rumor from a talking wallaby that Katy Perry’s boobs are actually two Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onions and they wanted to see the deep-fried deliciousness for themselves? But that doesn’t make any damn sense, because she just posted a pic of herself in a bikini to Instagram five days ago and her boobs looked totally normal. And also because there’s no such thing as talking wallabys, right? Australia, care to weigh in on this one?

And you know you’ve hit rock bottom as a pap when other paps are reading this and thinking “Begging for pictures of a girl in her bathing suit like a bunch of horny 12-year-old boys? Damn Australia, what happened? You use to be cool!

Bill Cosby Finally Agrees To Talk About Those Sexual Abuse Allegations, Says He Doesn’t Want To Talk About It

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

With more women coming forward alleging that Bill Cosby gave them drugs and did not right shit with them, and more networks yanking anything that has to do with Poppa Pudding Pop off the air, and more people at home awkwardly wondering “Uh…so…is he ever going to talk about this or what?“, Bill Cosby has finally agreed to talk about this.

Before a show in Melbourne, FL on Friday night, Bill spoke to Florida Today (via Mediaite) about the allegations that have pretty much been a daily thing for the past couple of weeks (this just in: another woman has come forward, bringing the Bill Cosby Sexual Assault Count to…crap, I lost count) and Bill says pretty much exactly what you’d think he’d say – NOTHING with a side of NOTHING:

“I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn’t have to answer to innuendos. People should fact check. People shouldn’t have to go through that and shouldn’t answer to innuendos.”

He also said that he’s getting tired of sneaky assholes paying people to go to his shows and harass him about the allegations, and would like it to stop because he’s afraid things could get violent:



Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

The rebooted Puppy Surprise!

Yes, the world is a shitty, gross place where shitty, gross things happen all the time, but sometimes magical good things happen. Case in point: The triumphant comeback of Puppy Surprise! Puppy Surprise has risen from the ashes like a cotton candy-haired, knocked up phoenix. Puppy Surprise (and Kitty Surprise and Bunny Surprise and Pony Surprise) were put down by Hasbro in 1993 after only two years on the shelves. But this past summer, toy company Just Play brought Puppy Surprise back from the dead and gave it a second chance at ruling the toy scene. Because everyone loves a knocked up, pink-haired raver puppy whose got a plushie gut full of raver puppies, Puppy Surprise has been a huge hit and they can’t keep up with the demand.

Charlie Embry, one of the founders of Just Play, tells Bloomberg Businessweek that they stopped showing the commercial on TV, because people can’t get enough of that weird ass mommy puppy whose hair obviously needs a date with a tube of Vo5 hot oil treatment. Just Play also makes Care Bears and in the four years they’ve been in business, they’ made $160 million in overall sales.

Just Play pretty much kept Puppy Surprise the same. Kids still give her a c-section by opening up her stomach and they still don’t know how many puppies she’s knocked with. The puppies are all different shapes, sizes and colors. So kids will still get to experience that feeling of rage and wanting to call the authorities when they perform a C-section on their dog and only 3 puppies are in there. Ripped off! Just Play did add something new. The puppies with rubber faces are “born” with closed eyes. You can open their eyes by dipping them in cold water. I’m guessing the rubber-faced puppies are plastered on the sweet nectar, because splashing my face with cold water is what my friends and family members do to me when I’m passed out drunk and they want me to open up my eyes.

Puppy Surprise has a new commercial (which you can watch here), but I’ve thrown up the old one, because it’s better. This is how some kids learned about reproduction. They were probably so confused years later when they went into labor and the doctor didn’t deliver their baby by pulling open their velcro’d stomach.

All hail Just Play! They’re the Misty Day of the toy world and are bringing pieces from our childhoods back to life. I wonder if they take requests, because I’ve got a never-ending list that starts with Fireball Island.


Birthday Sluts

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Mads Mikkelsen (49)
Hailey Baldwin (18)
Adele Exarchopoulos (21)
Jamie Campbell Bower (26)
Scarlett Johansson (30)
Tyler Hilton (31)
Karen O (36)
Ville Valo (38)
Boris Becker (47)
Mark Ruffalo (47)
Michael Kenneth Williams (48)
Mariel Hemingway (53)
Jamie Lee Curtis (56)
Donny Deutsch (57)
Richard Kind (58)
Steve Van Zandt (64)
Billie Jean King (71)
Terry Gilliam (74)
Robert Vaughn (82)


Beyoncebot Malfunctions And Goes Crazy In Her Video For 7/11

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

On Monday, Beyonce is re-releasing the album the almost broke the Internet (unlike Kim Kartrashian’s glazed ham ass which only broke screens), because she knows that the Beyhive will empty their checking accounts to buy a zillion copies of it and she needs the money since she’s been saving up to buy the planet Venus and rename is Beynus. The “platinum edition” of her album includes 2 new songs, 4 new remixes and some other shit. One of the new songs is 7/11, which bruised my eardrums, and she burped up the video for it tonight.

This shit’s supposed to look like Beyonce got stoned, drunk and spontaneously decided to make a video with her girlfriends in a hotel suite one day. It’s quirky, cutesy, accessible and goofy Beyonce! It was shot on an iPhone 6 in 1 hour with no budget! Please, Beyonce doesn’t do quirky and she doesn’t do shit with no budget. To make this video, it took 3 weeks to storyboard it, 3 weeks of pre-production and 5 weeks to shoot on several sound stages in several cities using a crew of make-up artists, stylists flown in from 3 different countries, choreographers, a cinematographer, high tech lights, a camera crew of 12, a facial expression coach, wig masters, stand-ins and full catering. It took another 4 weeks of post-production to finish it and it’s the most expensive video of all-time. That’s supposed to be Blue Ivy Carter at the 0:57 mark, but it’s really a grown midget stunt double. And that part where she’s singing “Don’t you drink that alcohol!” took 4 days to film, because she wanted to spill just the right amount of alcohol.

That’s really how this video was made.

With all that being said, I can’t wait to see the messy recreations of this video that the Glittery Gays of YouTube and beyond will bust out. If you’re doing a recreation of this shit and need an ass to play dice on, you know where to find me.


Night Crumbs

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

A shirtless Charlie Hunnam is in Vogue with an adorable dog friend on his back, a bike under his body and a hippie chick on his front, because FASHION. The dog easily wins the picture and is outperforming the humans by giving a truly complex performance. Doggy’s body language says, “Yeah, this is my bitch, but I’ll let you play with him a little, girly,” and doggy’s face says, “The hell is this picture and why are you making me pose in it?” – Lainey Gossip 

How do you say “I CAN’T” in Polish? – Jezebel

Balderdash Kumquatsack almost had the boring, non-fun name of Benedict Carlton (which sounds like the name of a snooty boutique hotel in Beverly Hills adjacent) – Celebitchy

The top of Emily Ratatouille’s dress looks like gold spaghetti – Drunken Stepfather

In other words, Kim Kartrashian has already booked North West’s first Playboy shoot for June 15, 2031 - The Superficial 

That windstorm blowing into Pakistan is from the entire country of India collectively breathing out a huge sigh of relief after hearing that Kim Kartrashian is not coming to their country after all –  Reality Tea 

Conchita Wurst’s new video looks like the intro to a super serious FX show about robot cowboys and the bearded brides who love them – Towleroad

Chicken Cutlets serves up two raw cornish game hens – WWTDD

How many area rugs died to make Alessandra Ambrosio’s dress? – Hollywood Tuna 

The pimp circa 1976 whom Miranda Kerr stole those gold pajama pants from isn’t going to be happy with her – IDLYITW

File this under: Outfits that Bianca Jagger wore to Studio 54 in the 70s – Popoholic

The catchiest songs of all time really aren’t that catchy – The Berry

The Queef LaQueefah Show has been snuffed out – ICYDK

How do I prepare my liver for all the booze I’m going to swallow while watching the ship wreck disaster that is Peter Pan Live? – OMG Blog

Please, like Beyonce is really going to drink an actual Slurpee. That’s just a Slurpee cup filled with blended rubies and crushed diamonds – Popsugar

Here’s when a young Bradley Cooper sucked Sarah Jessica Parker’s face in Sex and the City. Think of it as the closest he’ll ever get to starring in EquusSOW

Cher should just get Chad Michaels to do the rest of her dates for her – Boy Culture

I know Orlando Bloom’s in Prague, but he’s wearing the perfect L.A. winter ensemble – Just Jared


Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One: Lindsay Lohan Is Planning A Movie Comeback

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

And I bet the planning went something like this: (phone ringing) “Hey Oprah? It’s me. What do you mean ‘who?’, it’s Lindsay Lohan! Listen, I’ve got a great idea. I saw that HBO has this docu-series about a washed-up actress with red hair named Valerie-something trying to make a career comeback, and I was like OMG we should totally do the same thing! Hello? Hello?

Since things are going so well for Lindsay Lohan in London (ie: she’s actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible), it sounds like the Apricot Ashtray is considering tip-toeing back to Hollywood and try her freckled hand at movies again. A source close to LiLo (a Franzia-drunk Dina screaming over Skype) tells Radar that when Speed-The-Plow wraps on November 29th, she’s going to be in the market for a new job, and currently she’s interested in applying for the position of “professional movie star”:

“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”

In case you were wondering, IMDB says those three “big movies” are a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. So technically she is doing movies again, but none of them count because they’re not Life-Size 2. I want a sequel to Life-Size, dammit!

I don’t doubt that Lindsay can make a comeback, and I honestly want her to because I’ve got a soft-spot in my heart for that lil’ sunset-colored mess, but she’ll never be as great as she once was, and no, I’m not talking about the Mean Girls years. I’m talking about her smoky-voiced bottle-smashing busted wig-wearing performance in Liz & Dick! Nothing will ever compare to the next-level thespian genius that is Lindsay shouting “I’M BORED. I’M SO BORED.

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