Archives: November 2014

Halle Berry Drags Gabriel Aubry To Court For Allegedly Dyeing And Straightening Their Daughter’s Hair

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s that time again when we’re reminded that Nahla Aubry doesn’t only have the name of a cartoon lion, but she’d also be better off being raised by actual lions, because her parents are the wrong kind of crazy.

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are in the middle of a messy, dirty court battle for child support. Halle Berry wants the court to reduce Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support check from $16,000 all the way down to $3,000, because she thinks his lazy ass needs to get a job. Gabriel has already argued that it’s been hard for him to get modeling jobs ever since Olivier Martinez beat the pretty out of him. Well, those crazy hos are bringing the crazy again and Halle is once again trying to make Gabriel look like a shit puddle of a father.

TMZ says that Gabriel, his lawyers and Halle’s lawyers were in court this morning to talk about Nahla’s hair. I wish cameras were allowed in the court room, because I need to see the judge make a “So this is what it’s come to” face. Halle’s lawyers took Gabriel to court, because she thinks that he got their 6-year-old daughter’s hair straightened and lightened with highlights. The Daily Mail says that Halle’s lawyers argued that lightening and straightening Nahla’s hair could cause her physical and psychological damage.

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Open Post: Hosted By An Eating Contest Between A Golden Retriever And A German Shepard

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Someone decided to do a little experiment and stage a spaghetti eating contest between their Golden Retriever and their German Shepard to see who truly is the Mama June (sans that whole dating pedos shit) of the dog world. About 1 millisecond into it, it becomes one hundred percent clear that the German Shepard likes to savor his food and the Golden Retriever is happy to live up to his reputation by making that food disappear in the blink of an eye. That’s some abracadabra eating. If the Tramp from Lady and the Tramp was a Golden Retriever, that spaghetti scene would’ve been totally different.

Maybe that Golden Retriever vacuumed up that sketti, because he didn’t want the German Shepard to get to it first. Maybe that German Shepard took his sweet time, because he knew that if the Golden Retriever tried to steal his sketti, he could take that thieving ho in a fight. The Golden Retriever thought about stealing for a second before he decided that it’d be kind of hard to eat anything if the German Shepard bit his mouth off.

This isn’t surprising, because if the dog hero of the obedience course taught us anything it’s that Golden Retrievers do not fuck around when it comes to food.

via Buzzfeed

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Amber Heard Isn’t Happy About That Time Johnny Depp Got Wasted At The Hollywood Film Awards

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

A little over a week ago, Johnny Depp became the newest inductee into the Messy Old Man Club when he slithered up on stage at the Hollywood Film Awards drunk off his busted pirate face. Most of us (read: everyone besides Drunk Uncle) were pretty embarrassed for Johnny, including Johnny’s fiance Amber Heard too. According to The Star (via NY Daily News), a source claims that Amber got super pissed when she saw a next-level hammered Gilbert Grape slurring his way through the presentation of the Hollywood Documentary Award:

“Amber couldn’t believe he had made such a fool out of himself. This reflects really badly on her, and she’s not happy about it. At this point he is driving everyone away — including Amber.”

The source also goes on to say that there’s “chatter” about Johnny going to rehab.

I hope this all gets sorted out, because being a sloppy waste case is no bueno. But truthfully, if Amber wants Johnny to fix himself, she also needs to address the other elephant in the room: THOSE UGLY HATS. That would be the first thing I’d bring up in an intervention! “Johnny, your drinking is out of control, but we’ll get to that in a second. We need to talk about your collection of moth-eaten dumpster fedoras.” Those hats are no good, and I fully believe they’re the source of Johnny’s downfall. Take a look at mid-90s Johnny Depp: career was good, super hot, Winona Forever, and no stupid hats. Then look at mid-00s Johnny Depp: wears hats he dug out of the trash, makes shitty movies, left his wife for his 28-year-old co-star, gets drunk at awards shows. It’s the hats, I tells ya! The hats!

The Look Or Not The Look: Ansel Elgort At The AMAs

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s Ansel Elgort, the dude from Fault of Stars whose name sounds like a Captcha you’d have to enter to get into the World of Warcraft forums, at the AMAs looking like a straight high school boy who was given an ambush makeover by Antoine Meriweather and Blaine Edwards. He looks like a Rockabilly bullfighter. It’s as if someone pushed him into a mom’s closet and told him to use the clothes in there to dress like a member of One Direction. That shorty blazer does remind me…

When I was 18 and 19, my friends and I would go to the same 18 and over gay night at a club every single week. We got friendly with some of the regulars and one of the regulars was this tall drink of YES who pulverized hos with his style by always wearing b-hole-hugging tight jeans and either a shorty blazer or a shorty vest with no shirt on underneath. We called him “Oh Girl,” because every time he walked in wearing a shorty blazer with no shirt on, we’d say to ourselves, “Oh, girl.” Take that white shirt away and Oh Girl would’ve worked the seams out of that outfit.

Ansel looks a mess, but I can’t blame him for smiling. It’s probably slightly satisfying knowing you can still fit into the Sears tuxedo blazer you wore to a wedding when you were 12.

Here’s more of Ansel and his moldy pants as well as One Erection dressed like hipster power lesbians at a funeral.

Pics: Wenn.com

Lorde Performed In A Box And Moshed Around The Stage At The AMAs Last Night Because It’s Lorde

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Because the American Music Awards are sort of like a high school talent show (“You mean they aren’t?” hissed the Grammys), it seemed fitting that the moody pseudo-goth teenage girl trapped in the body of a moody pseudo-goth teenage girl known as Lorde would perform the song she wrote for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 “Yellow Flicker Beat”. But unlike her BFF Taylor Swift, who chose to serve up some theater kid with rich parents realness, Lorde pulled a no fucks given cool art room girl and was just like “Whatever, just put a bunch of empty boxes on stage and I’ll flail around like I’ve been possessed by the ghost of Shannon Hoon.

I was hoping Lorde would pull out all the angsty vampire teen stops during her performance, and I wasn’t disappointed. Lorde opened “Yellow Flicker Beat” sneering inside a white glowing cube, which I guess symbolizes isolation or alienation or something equally deep for an 18-year-old. Then she left the cube and awkwardly moshed around a bunch of living mannequins like she was trying to scratch an itch without using her hands, and wrapped it all up by smearing her lipstick across her face. Wow. Such deep. Very fuck society.

But even weirder than Lorde’s AMA performance is finding out that Lorde apparently loves porn star James Deen:

lordetwitter

Adored Wells Tower’s GQ profile” – what a coincidence, that’s totally why I love James Deen too! Just kidding, it’s because of his penis.

Presenting Taylor Swift’s High School Drama Club Performance Of “Blank Space”

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

I watched all 3 hours of last night’s American Music Awards and it took a lot of the sweet nectar to get through it. I’m surprised I’m not typing this from a hospital bed as a nurse stands next to me, wringing the booze out of my liver before shoving it back up my asshole. Watching it felt like being stuck in a suburban 10-year-old’s iTunes playlist. It was one shit song after another and at one point I weeped for our nation’s children, because when I was a kid our ears were filled with the artistic melodies put out by real artists like Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice.

Taylor Swift opened the crap song buffet with a performance of that “Blank Space” song and she probably gave the best performance of the night. I’m only saying that because it was a wreck from start to finish. Tay Tay recreated her video by playing a crazy-eyed, boyfriend-ruining psycho (read: herself, basically). It works in the video, but it was a mess live. Bitch ran around like an ostrich with mad squirrel disease. It’s like the deranged spirit of Norma Desmond possessed the body of a vintage Barbie.

Tay Tay’s performance looks like it was done on the set of a non-union touring production of Scooby Doo Live. I kept waiting for Shaggy and the gang to come out, pull off Taylor Swift’s mask and reveal that she’s actually Old Farmer Jenkins and it was him killing all those young, hot white men. Tay Tay’s acting wasn’t the only messy part of that performance. At first I thought she was mouthing to a track, but it became apparent that she wasn’t totally lip-synching when an off-key note shot out of her mouth and drop kicked my eardrum.

For the rest of the show, Taylor did what Taylor does: she held court with the “popular girls” (Selena Gomez and Selena’s one-time arch rival Lorde) and busted her out inflatable wind dancer moves in the front row. During Selena Gomez’s ~emotionally raw~ performance in front of a screensaver, Tay Tay did this:

tswiftcrying

Those duo of side-eyes…. They say everything.

Lorde (aka Emily the Strange with a spiral perm) is thinking to herself, “Cry, bitch, cry more! Your pain feeds my Hot Topic soul” and Taylor is either crying from the raw emotion or she’s crying from the second-hand embarrassment she feels while watching Selena squirt out tears over Justin Fucking Bieber.

And at the end of the show, I made the same face Taylor’s making when I realized that I wasted 3 hours of my night and could’ve watched The Comeback instead.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com GIF: Crushable

And Now For An ‘Excuse My Beauty’ Moment From Miss Diana Ross

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.

Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.

In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.

Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

BREAKING: Brangie Had A Smoke-Filled Balcony Fight in Australia

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

A few hours before this picture of Dame St. Angie Jolie saying to Brad Pitt, “Bitch, wipe that smirk off of your face and take your bitch ass outside in 5, because I’m not done with you,” was taken, a paparazzo took pictures of the Jesus and Mary of our time having a fight on the balcony of their hotel in Sydney. Please, we all know those two are perfect messiahs who only know how to spread love and peace. That fight was obviously staged to make them look human. What’s next? Leaked pictures of the supposed turd St. Angie dropped in a public toilet to make us think she actually shits?

The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day (via ONTD) put the pictures in a riveting video set to some weird song they bought for cheap. Woman’s Day says that St. Angie and Brad busted out a balcony tussle just hours after they reunited in Sydney. They obviously weren’t over their fight, because some source says that at the Unbroken premiere that night, they were as stiff as the chonies Brad Pitt hasn’t taken off for 3 weeks.

Brad, 50, downed a Crown Lager at the early hour of 10am and the pair were both seen clutching cigarettes as their intense discussion raged on. Industry insiders tell Woman’s Day that the tensions could be down to Ange’s hectic workload in the past year.

By 6pm that same day, Brad and Ange had pasted on happy smiles for the cameras as their first red-carpet event as a married couple and greeted a throng of fans on the way to Sydney’s State Theatre.

Despite arriving together in a black Land Rover, they barely looked at each other at the event –Brad busied himself signing autographs, while Ange focused on speaking to the assembled media on the other side of the road.

The video with the pictures in it is here. Because Brad has his arms wide open, it sort of looks like they’re playing a really boring 2-ho game of charades and he’s trying to describe Kim Kartrashian’s ass on Paper Magazine. The pictures are pretty suspect, though. I mean, did the pap wear a gas mask, because it’s weird that they didn’t drop their camera and pass out on the ground after Brad Pitt released a toxic BO smoke monster by lifting up his arms. And of course that’s not nicotine St. Angie’s inhaling. It’s the dried blood of virgins. She smokes it to recharges her powers.

I can’t wait to see these pictures on the cover of Star over the words, “Brangelina Have NUCLEAR Fight After Brad Gets Caught Texting A Heart Emoji To Jen!

Here’s St. Angie taking Zahara and Shiloh to buy art supplies in NYC over the weekend.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

As Expected, Jennifer Lopez And Iggy Azalea Kept It Pretty PG At The AMAs Last Night

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Maybe it’s because I spent most of my weekend doing pre-Christmas things (hanging a wreath, wrapping presents, getting stoned and eating an entire gingerbread house) but that candy striping sort of makes Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Lopez like the two horniest elves at the North Pole that Santa put in charge of testing the vibrators. They make vibrators at the North Pole, right?

Moving on. So New Fergie Iggy Azalea and JLo performed their ass anthem “Booty” last night at the American Music Awards, and I know the pearl-clutchers at ABC were worried they were going to bring the R-rated middle-aged stripper raunch by rubbing their poop shutes against each other while miming sex faces, but it ended up being pretty tame. Sure, JLo and Iggy dry humped each other like two skanky ferrets in costumes from the Slutty Showgirl collection, but they were also wearing Hooters tights. Hooters tights! Nothing says “Shows over, boners” like those fugly thick shimmer-knit leg wraps.

But this wasn’t Iggy’s only performance of the night; earlier in the evening she got to act like she wasn’t completely embarrassed to be the Macklemore of the AMAs by beating out Drake and Eminem for the Best Rap/Hip Hop Award. She then followed that up by opening her performance of “Fancy” with a bunch of vaguely Black Panther-y imagery. Needless to say, Iggy Azalea was not Twitter’s favorite person last night:

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