Archives: November 2014

If You’re A Slob Ass Reporter In Jeans, Don’t Even Think Of Talking To Duchess Kate And Prince William

November 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Duchess Kate and Prince William are coming to the East Coast of the US in a couple of weeks, because they want to spit in the faces of the traitors who busted out of their country a million years ago and they probably also want to fill their guts with Shake Shack. Politico (via The NY Post) says that to prepare for their visit to the US, the British Monarchy has shat up a dress code for any American reporter who wants to talk to their royal highnesses. If you even think about asking Duchess Kate a question while looking like wrinkled, busted up trash, the royal guards will tackle you and drag you away. A dude who happens to be a royal because he was born into it and a chick who clung onto his ass until he married her deserves your utmost respect! Here’s the official dress code from the royal family:

Journalists wishing to cover Royal engagements, whether in the United Kingdom or abroad, should comply with the dress code on formal occasions out of respect for the guests of The Queen, or any other member of the Royal Family.

Smart attire for men includes the wearing of a jacket and tie, and for women a trouser or skirt suit. Those wearing jeans or trainers will not be admitted and casually dressed members of the media will be turned away. This also applies to technicians.

Didn’t this country’s forefathers bust out of Britain because they were sick of being told what to do and now they’re still bossing us around! Duchess Kate isn’t our duchess and Prince William isn’t our prince so why in the hell do we have to wash our pits, put on a clip-on tie and change out of sweats to hang around them? I bet Duchess Kate and Prince William are the type to demand that I change out of my usual home outfit of torn underwear, a shorty robe and mismatched socks when they invite themselves over. The AUDACITY!

I’m sure that when Prince Hot Ginge is involved that dress code is tweaked to read: “and chonies or optional.” Because it’s impossible to keep your chonies on when in the presence of PHG.

Where’s The Petition To Make Natalie Dormer The President Of HBO?

November 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Games of Thrones is filled more tits than Hugh Hefner’s prune mouth during a conveyor belt orgy and many fans (and hos like me who don’t watch all the time but would if it was peen-ier) have screamed for less rape and MOAR DIK! Seen above throwing a face that says, “My lady nipples are on strike until GoT gets more peen,” Natalie Dormer tells The Daily Beast that GoT could definitely use several more servings of man salchicha. The Daily Beast brought up the “Show Us Dem Titties” mandate that HBO apparently has and asked Natalie Dormer if she thinks GoT should throw a bone (or several) at the peen lovers who watch the show. The Bitchy Resting Face Duchess said this about shoving more dick into GoT:

“Well, during the first season Alfie, Richard, and several of the men got naked—although not all the way. I suppose it’s just the rules of broadcast television, isn’t it? I think Thrones has been better than your average show with the equality, but they could definitely ramp it up! Absolutely.”

Here! Here! Fill that show with more dicks of all shapes, sizes and colors. Just none of that fake prosthetic shit like the crap Hodor wore. That thing looked like a cross between an uncooked turkey sausage and the arm of a pantyhose doll.

To quote a power bottom at an orgy when two tops ask if him if he can handle a DP, “You can never have TOO many dicks.” So GoT should just shove all the dicks in there and they should even recast some of the roles with peens. What I mean by that is that the Hammaconda should totally play one of the dragons.

Pic: GQ 

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

November 23, 2014 / Posted by:

ATC, the international pop group from the 90s and early 00s who took you around the world and filled your ears with a whole lot of Vitamin C (C for class)!

Tonight is the American Music Awards (aka the unpopular, black sheep third cousin of the Grammys who nobody talks to at family reunions because they smell like desperation and mustiness) and while going through the dreadful lineup of dreadful pop hos (see: Selena Gomez, 5 Seconds of Summer, Ariana Grande Latte, One Direction, etc… etc…) who will poop out their dreadful pop songs during the show, I asked myself whatever happened to true musical talent in the pop music world? Whatever happened to talent like ATC?

ATC was a German-based pop group made up of a Kiwi, an Italian, an Australian and a Brit. They were the accidental toilet baby of the It’s A Small World ride and Aqua. They had a couple of semi-hits, but their biggest hit was the 2000 eardrum assault called “Around The World (La La La La La).”Around The World” was a cover of a Russian pop song and it sounded like something Eiffel 65 barfed up. That song was everywhere. It was even in commercials. You know you danced to it on a box under a strobe light at an 18 and over club.

Once it got in your head, it was hard to get out. Whenever I get my usual check-up at the free clinic, the free clinic doctor looks into my ears with that ear dildo thing and asks, “What is that crusty white stuff clinging to the walls of your ears? Jizz?” And I always say, “No doctor, it’s pieces from that La La La La song which have been there for years.

ATC broke up in 2003, but they will forever and ever live on thanks to this Euro ear worm:

FYI: ATC stands for A Touch Of Class. If you didn’t already know that, you probably figured it out after looking at that gorgeous Siegfried & Roy plushie heaven of a picture.

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Birthday Sluts

November 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Maxwell Caulfield (55)
Miley Cyrus (22)
Snooki (27)
Lucas Grabeel (30)
Kelly Brook (35)
Allison Mosshart (36)
Chris Adler (42)
Chris Hardwick (43)
Zoë Ball (44)
Oded Fehr (44)
Salli Richardson-Whitfield (47)
Vincent Cassel (48)
Robin Roberts (54)
Bruce Hornsby (60)
Rick Bayless (61)
B.J. Crosby (62)
Bruce Vilanch (66)
Joe Eszterhas (70)
Robert Towne (80)

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Open Post: Hosted By The Always Stunning Bai Ling

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’re having a difficult time trying to guess what that weird tape shape thing Bai Ling is pointing at on her chest is, I think it’s supposed to be a key. It’s okay, I was too distracted by her beauty as well.

In case you’ve forgotten, Bai Ling is an actress (well, at least until Professional Sexy Lady becomes a recognized career) and her latest movie The Key was screened at The Real Experimental Film Festival in Hollywood last night. Having your movie screen at a film festival is a pretty big deal for an actress, so obviously Bai made sure to look her best on the red carpet. Bai (Miss Ling if you nasty) wore a custom-made self-adhesive top that she paired with an elegant hand-woven peek-a-boo skirt and chiffon showgirl train. Bai has accessorized her look with the key to her storage locker in the Valley worn around her neck and a playful silk rose stapled to her crotch. I believe the silk rose is either Chanel or Hobby Lobby.

And I hope nobody ate before hand, because Bai is serving up an all-you-can-eat FACE BODY FACE buffet. For real, no shade from me – I checked Wikipedia, and Bai Ling is 48 years old. FOUR-TEE-EIGHT! Literally every one of my wrinkles just curled into the fetal position and started weeping.

Pics: Splash

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Anna Wintour Is Refusing To Go To Work Because Her New Office Is Infested With Rats

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

When the employees of VOGUE moved into their new office at 1 World Trade Center earlier this month, they discovered a surprise. No, it wasn’t that building management had left them an all-blueberry muffin basket; it was that their office was overrun with rats. RATS! Pointy kitties! Multiple sources tell Gawker that the rat problem is so bad, fancy reptilian humanoid Anna Wintour has informed VOGUE staff that they have to prove that her office is rat-free before she steps into it. No word on where she’s currently working, but I’ll assume she was able to find a warm rock to curl up on.

I’m not sure what Anna’s problem is; rats are super smart! Has she never seen Ratatouille? That one rat learned how to speak English AND cook French food. Show some respect, Anna! And it’s not just rats! Remember how Cinderella’s mice friends designed AND sewed her a ballgown? A BALLGOWN! Rats and mice are practically people! Sure, maybe one will bite you and you’ll have to haul ass to the hospital for a rabies shot, but I’m sure the rest are cool.

Or maybe she refuses to enter her office because she’s terrified that one of the rats will look like Miss Bianca, and she knows she could never compete with such a chic bitch.

I know rats are everywhere in New York City, but I can’t help but wonder if somebody put those rats in Anna Wintour’s office on purpose? Let’s see, who would be deeply tasteless enough to get revenge on Anna Wintour by filling her office with creatures known to hang around trash. Quick, somebody check Kim Kardashian’s klothes for traces of rat hair!

Katy Perry Is Pissed At Australian Paps For Stalking Her On The Beach And Demanding Pics Of Her In A Bikini

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Katy Perry (seen above making the same reaction I make whenever someone says something insulting about my boo Bruce Jenner) is very pissed off at the paparazzi of Australia. Katy is currently down under on the kangaroo leg of her Prismatic Tour, and I guess she finished her vocal warm-ups early because on Friday she decided to take a walk on the beach. Once there, Katy says several paps started following her along the beach, demanding pics of her in her bikini and just generally being troublemaking assholes. So what did Katy do? Katy called them out on Twitter:

katyperrypaps

She also posted pictures of three of the dudes stalking her with their cameras, one of which sort of looks like the Australian version of Randy from My Name Is Earl.

I’m still confused as to why those persistent tricks needed a shot of Katy in her bathing suit so badly. Have they never seen a 30-year-old American woman in a bikini before? Or maybe those Australian paps heard a rumor from a talking wallaby that Katy Perry’s boobs are actually two Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onions and they wanted to see the deep-fried deliciousness for themselves? But that doesn’t make any damn sense, because she just posted a pic of herself in a bikini to Instagram five days ago and her boobs looked totally normal. And also because there’s no such thing as talking wallabys, right? Australia, care to weigh in on this one?

And you know you’ve hit rock bottom as a pap when other paps are reading this and thinking “Begging for pictures of a girl in her bathing suit like a bunch of horny 12-year-old boys? Damn Australia, what happened? You use to be cool!

Bill Cosby Finally Agrees To Talk About Those Sexual Abuse Allegations, Says He Doesn’t Want To Talk About It

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

With more women coming forward alleging that Bill Cosby gave them drugs and did not right shit with them, and more networks yanking anything that has to do with Poppa Pudding Pop off the air, and more people at home awkwardly wondering “Uh…so…is he ever going to talk about this or what?“, Bill Cosby has finally agreed to talk about this.

Before a show in Melbourne, FL on Friday night, Bill spoke to Florida Today (via Mediaite) about the allegations that have pretty much been a daily thing for the past couple of weeks (this just in: another woman has come forward, bringing the Bill Cosby Sexual Assault Count to…crap, I lost count) and Bill says pretty much exactly what you’d think he’d say – NOTHING with a side of NOTHING:

“I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn’t have to answer to innuendos. People should fact check. People shouldn’t have to go through that and shouldn’t answer to innuendos.”

He also said that he’s getting tired of sneaky assholes paying people to go to his shows and harass him about the allegations, and would like it to stop because he’s afraid things could get violent:

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

The rebooted Puppy Surprise!

Yes, the world is a shitty, gross place where shitty, gross things happen all the time, but sometimes magical good things happen. Case in point: The triumphant comeback of Puppy Surprise! Puppy Surprise has risen from the ashes like a cotton candy-haired, knocked up phoenix. Puppy Surprise (and Kitty Surprise and Bunny Surprise and Pony Surprise) were put down by Hasbro in 1993 after only two years on the shelves. But this past summer, toy company Just Play brought Puppy Surprise back from the dead and gave it a second chance at ruling the toy scene. Because everyone loves a knocked up, pink-haired raver puppy whose got a plushie gut full of raver puppies, Puppy Surprise has been a huge hit and they can’t keep up with the demand.

Charlie Embry, one of the founders of Just Play, tells Bloomberg Businessweek that they stopped showing the commercial on TV, because people can’t get enough of that weird ass mommy puppy whose hair obviously needs a date with a tube of Vo5 hot oil treatment. Just Play also makes Care Bears and in the four years they’ve been in business, they’ made $160 million in overall sales.

Just Play pretty much kept Puppy Surprise the same. Kids still give her a c-section by opening up her stomach and they still don’t know how many puppies she’s knocked with. The puppies are all different shapes, sizes and colors. So kids will still get to experience that feeling of rage and wanting to call the authorities when they perform a C-section on their dog and only 3 puppies are in there. Ripped off! Just Play did add something new. The puppies with rubber faces are “born” with closed eyes. You can open their eyes by dipping them in cold water. I’m guessing the rubber-faced puppies are plastered on the sweet nectar, because splashing my face with cold water is what my friends and family members do to me when I’m passed out drunk and they want me to open up my eyes.

Puppy Surprise has a new commercial (which you can watch here), but I’ve thrown up the old one, because it’s better. This is how some kids learned about reproduction. They were probably so confused years later when they went into labor and the doctor didn’t deliver their baby by pulling open their velcro’d stomach.

All hail Just Play! They’re the Misty Day of the toy world and are bringing pieces from our childhoods back to life. I wonder if they take requests, because I’ve got a never-ending list that starts with Fireball Island.

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Birthday Sluts

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Mads Mikkelsen (49)
Hailey Baldwin (18)
Adele Exarchopoulos (21)
Jamie Campbell Bower (26)
Scarlett Johansson (30)
Tyler Hilton (31)
Karen O (36)
Ville Valo (38)
Boris Becker (47)
Mark Ruffalo (47)
Michael Kenneth Williams (48)
Mariel Hemingway (53)
Jamie Lee Curtis (56)
Donny Deutsch (57)
Richard Kind (58)
Steve Van Zandt (64)
Billie Jean King (71)
Terry Gilliam (74)
Robert Vaughn (82)

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