Archives: November 2014

So I Guess Tiger Lily Just Got Back From Burning Man…

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Peter Pan is so NOW in Hollywood. They’re giving us that soon-to-be shipwreck TV Peter Pan musical starring Brian Williams’ daughter and next year they’re giving us that “international, multi-cultural” (the director’s words, not mine) Pan movie directed by Joe Wright. The trailer was released today and it’s so international and so multi-cultural that watching it will make you feel like you’re speeding through the It’s A Small World ride.

Pan is the untold story (when you’re told the story is untold, it’s probably been told before) of Peter Pan’s origins and it stars Hugh Jackmeoff as Blackbeard, Garrett GimmeHedlund as a young, sexy, pre-evil Captain Hook, Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily, Cara Delawhatever as a mermaid and Levi Miller as Peter Pan. The beginning of the trailer looks like every other fantasy movie out today and shit gets messy when Tiger Lily and her tribe of Coachella lizards pop up on the screen. If Joe Wright’s vision of Tiger Lily is a festival-hopping mess who loves molly and wears outfits from the House of You So Different, he should have just cast Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens. She’s already got the costumes and she can do that “stoned Zoolander deer caught in the headlights” look better than Rooney can.

While watching the trailer, just focus on Garrett Hedlund’s swoon worthy tendrils and you should be okay:

Even Hugh Jackman looks a mess. I don’t like it when he wears clothes even when the clothes make him look like a medieval Liberace mixed with Gary Oldman’s Dracula. But I’m glad that one of John Travolta’s wigs got extra work on Hugh’s head.

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Here’s The Newest Trailer For Jurassic World Starring America’s Sweetheart Chris Pratt

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

So the trailer for Jurassic World was released today, and in case you hadn’t guessed, it’s filled with dinosaurs. It also has a hot mustachioed Chris Pratt. I know, that alone is all you need to know. “HOT CHRIS PRATT WITH A SEXY MOUSTACHE, THE END”, followed by a bunch of gifs of him looking hot. Other than dinosaurs and Chris Pratt, I knew very little about Jurassic World going in to this trailer, but here’s what I’ve gleaned:

1. Remember the first time a scientist tried filled an island with dinosaurs and the dinosaurs lost their goddamn minds and started eating people and everyone was like “Fuck this, we need to get out of here“? Apparently no one else remembers either, because they’ve done it again. Welcome to Mistake Island!

2. Kitty Sanchez from Arrested Development thinks it’s a-ok to send two kids to dinosaur island by themselves. Kitty NO! That’s a terrible idea! CPS is on line one, Kitty.

3. There is a terrifying water dinosaur equivalent of Shamu who eats a whole shark. They don’t mention its name, but I’m willing to guess it’s something like Sea Nightmare or Piss Pantsasaurus.

4. No Jeff Goldblum. I repeat, NO JEFF GOLDBLUM!

Obviously, you don’t need to see this movie if you’ve ever ridden the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios Orlando, because Jurassic World is pretty much the same thing: get on a boat, go to dinosaur island, one of the dinosaurs flips its shit, escape before you get eaten. Oh, what am I even saying? I’ve ridden that ride at least 10 times and my dumb dinosaur-obsessed ass will still be first in line on opening night.

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Bette Midler’s Pro Tip For Ariana Grande Latte: Stop Whoring It Up To Get Ahead

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, it’s official. Bette Midler is my tia who tells my cousins to pull down their skirts and stop running around looking like prostitutas.

Bette Midler took a little break from hunting down the pieces of trash who throw trash out of their car windows to tell The Telegraph how she really feels about the state of pop music today. While talking about her album of girl group covers, Tia Bathhouse Betty says that she’s sick of female pop singers using tits, ass and sex to sell albums and get people to pay attention to them. Bette, who got her start singing in gay bathhouses, used the Lolita Steve Madden bobblehead Ariana Grande Latte as an example. Bette shakes her head at Ariana when that prostituta niña humps a couch while yodeling out one of her shitty songs.

“It’s terrible! It’s always surprising to see someone like Ariana Grande with that silly high voice, a very wholesome voice, slithering around on a couch, looking so ridiculous. I mean, it’s silly beyond belief and I don’t know who’s telling her to do it. I wish they’d stop. But it’s not my business, I’m not her mother. Or her manager. Maybe they tell them that’s what you’ve got to do. Sex sells. Sex has always sold.”

Bette then got into the whole “sex sells” thing and doesn’t know why pop tricks are serving up some fuck action during their performances:

“Well whatever strictures there were have fallen apart. And now it’s whatever you feel like doing you can do. I mean, apparently people really like to pretend they’re having sex. They really like to slap each other’s butts. I mean, don’t ask me. It’s beyond me. I’m too old. I don’t know what the end game is going to be. I don’t know where you go from all that sex in your twenties. I don’t know how you sustain it.”

Finally, Bette had a little advice for pop yodelers like Ariana Grande Latte:

“Trust your talent. You don’t have to make a whore out of yourself to get ahead. You really don’t.”

Bette then went on to say, “And stop humping my lawn and get off of it, you hussy harlot whores!

Bette is right about Ariana Grande. Ariana looks like she’s 12 and she’s always done up like a toddler Lola Bunny, so when she starts bringing the sex, I don’t know whether to laugh or scream for the authorities. Even Abby Lee Miller’s like, “Tone it down, girl, tone it down.” But then again what’s wrong with whoring it up to get some head (typo and it stays)? Whenever I have a thought to ponder, I look to the words of wisdom from our Patron Saint of Philosophy Cristal Connors. We all know how Cristal Connors feels about whoring it up.

“We’re all whores, darlin’!” – Cristal Confucius Connors to Bette Midler and the world.

Chevy Chase Pulled A Johnny Depp By Being A Next-Level Mess At A Human Society Gala

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Page Six, national treasure Chevy Chase served up some Drunk Pepaw at Thanksgiving realness a week early at the Humane Society’s To The Rescue! Gala last Friday in New York. Chevy was there to introduce Georgina Bloomberg, Amanda Hearst, and Kimberly Ovitz, but it sounds like he might have introduced his liver to several liters of the hard stuff before he crawled on stage, because guests at the event say he was a mess.

Apparently Chevy (who might actually be the real-life Pierce Hawthorne) was “a train wreck” who rambled on and repeated himself. His daughter – who was with him on stage – kept joking with him to knock it off and stick to the script. But even when he tried to gather his remaining sober brain cells and pull it together, but he was still a goddamn disaster. A source says that once he finally got around to mumbling out his introduction of Georgina, Amanda and Kimberly, he threw some shade by saying: “Kimberly Ovitz! Your father was my manager for 20 years, which explains why you haven’t seen me in a movie since 1988!” That’s when Georgina Bloomberg got on stage and read a messy bitch by saying “Thank you, Chevy, for making us all look so together.

Damn, I don’t know if Chevy Chase was drunk or high or just stoned to hell and back on some of those super-strong pepaw pills, but it takes a lot to be the messiest mess at an event where half the guests are licking their buttholes and humping legs. Even the cats were probably throwing him side-eye as they horked up wet hairballs. Rule number one of getting sloppy: never out-sloppy anything dragging their balls across the carpet!

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Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.

So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.

TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.

And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:

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Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.

Pics: TMZ

Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Ninita, the baby pygmy marmoset from the Rare Special Conservative Foundation who becomes you sitting in a massage chair in the front of Brookstone when he gets a massage from an old, used, janky toothbrush.

This video is a few days old, but there’s no an expiration date on videos of baby pygmy marmosets getting their nerves soothed by a busted toothbrush. Nobody has ever felt relaxation the way this baby pygmy marmoset has felt relaxation. When you’ve just busted an orgasm and you’re lying in a Calgon bath with a bottle of red wine and a fully stocked bong next to you, and an Enya song plays in the background as your nose inhales the relaxing scent wafting off of a Relaxing Zen Glade candle, you might think to yourself, “I’ve reached the pinnacle of relaxation.” Nope, no you haven’t. This baby pygmy marmoset has reached the pinnacle of relaxation.

Ninita is like a living, breathing P.M. Dawn song. He’s set adrift on a memory bliss.

via Cute Overload

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Birthday Sluts

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Joel Kinnaman (35)
Amy Grant (54)
Rye Rye (24)
Katie Cassidy (28)
Gaspard Ulliel (30)
Joey Chestnut (31)
Barbara & Jenna Bush (33)
Jerry Ferrara (35)
Christina Applegate (43)
Jill & Jacqueline Hennessey (46)
Billy Burke (48)
Dougray Scott (49)
Kevin Chamberlin (51)
Sonja Morgan (51)
Bruno Tonioli (59)
Charlaine Harris (63)
John Larroquette (67)
Ben Stein (70)

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Night Crumbs

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

While mortals froze their ass lips off at the Paddington premiere in London, Nicole Kidman looked happy and gleeful and probably because her ice queen heart feeds off of the cold – Lainey Gossip 

That Janis Joplin biopic starring Amy Adams is really happening – Celebitchy

The smooth rat known as Pharrell Williams shows off his elevated eyeliner game in a Chanel ad with Cara DelawhateverDrunken Stepfather

FYI: Jennifer Lawrence is Team Vanderpump. Meanwhile, it looks like Giggy is still Team Stop Doing This Shit To Me Please – Reality Tea 

In case you want to know what it would look like if Miley Cyrus tried to fuck Jon HammWWTDD

Michael Sam doesn’t like the way his big coming out party went down – Towleroad

Katy Perry and that tiny dicked pap must’ve made up, because here she is popping out a doody bubble while in a two piece – The Superficial 

So apparently this move made football fans get hard in the nipples – Hollywood Tuna 

Pfft, I’m sure the world’s premiere Rihanna impersonator, Rita Ora, makes a lot more than this Rihanna impersonator – Jezebel

The True Detective 2 character names sound like character names taken from Grand Theft AutoPajiba

Hilary Duff’s daily pap walk to her car got a plot twist in the form of a ticket on her windshield – Popoholic

The sad thing is, if I knew Fifth Harmony was performing a free concert in someone’s yard, I would’ve shown up too – OMG Blog

Whenever I see a topless Adrian Grenier, I always think to myself that his nipples should really be furrier – Popsugar

Are we sure that’s not coke, because that cat is acting coked up – The Berry 

Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus aren’t friends anymore – ICYDK

While looking at Ben Affleck in the Batman costume, Christian Bale makes the same sad face my dog makes when he watches other dogs play with his toys – HuffPo

This comedian does Kristen Stewart better than Kristen Stewart does Kristen Stewart – Boy Culture

Yes, CSI is still on and it will go on without George EadsJust Jared

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Halle Berry Drags Gabriel Aubry To Court For Allegedly Dyeing And Straightening Their Daughter’s Hair

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s that time again when we’re reminded that Nahla Aubry doesn’t only have the name of a cartoon lion, but she’d also be better off being raised by actual lions, because her parents are the wrong kind of crazy.

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are in the middle of a messy, dirty court battle for child support. Halle Berry wants the court to reduce Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support check from $16,000 all the way down to $3,000, because she thinks his lazy ass needs to get a job. Gabriel has already argued that it’s been hard for him to get modeling jobs ever since Olivier Martinez beat the pretty out of him. Well, those crazy hos are bringing the crazy again and Halle is once again trying to make Gabriel look like a shit puddle of a father.

TMZ says that Gabriel, his lawyers and Halle’s lawyers were in court this morning to talk about Nahla’s hair. I wish cameras were allowed in the court room, because I need to see the judge make a “So this is what it’s come to” face. Halle’s lawyers took Gabriel to court, because she thinks that he got their 6-year-old daughter’s hair straightened and lightened with highlights. The Daily Mail says that Halle’s lawyers argued that lightening and straightening Nahla’s hair could cause her physical and psychological damage.

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