Archives: November 2014

Katy Perry Is Pissed At Australian Paps For Stalking Her On The Beach And Demanding Pics Of Her In A Bikini

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Katy Perry (seen above making the same reaction I make whenever someone says something insulting about my boo Bruce Jenner) is very pissed off at the paparazzi of Australia. Katy is currently down under on the kangaroo leg of her Prismatic Tour, and I guess she finished her vocal warm-ups early because on Friday she decided to take a walk on the beach. Once there, Katy says several paps started following her along the beach, demanding pics of her in her bikini and just generally being troublemaking assholes. So what did Katy do? Katy called them out on Twitter:

katyperrypaps

She also posted pictures of three of the dudes stalking her with their cameras, one of which sort of looks like the Australian version of Randy from My Name Is Earl.

I’m still confused as to why those persistent tricks needed a shot of Katy in her bathing suit so badly. Have they never seen a 30-year-old American woman in a bikini before? Or maybe those Australian paps heard a rumor from a talking wallaby that Katy Perry’s boobs are actually two Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onions and they wanted to see the deep-fried deliciousness for themselves? But that doesn’t make any damn sense, because she just posted a pic of herself in a bikini to Instagram five days ago and her boobs looked totally normal. And also because there’s no such thing as talking wallabys, right? Australia, care to weigh in on this one?

And you know you’ve hit rock bottom as a pap when other paps are reading this and thinking “Begging for pictures of a girl in her bathing suit like a bunch of horny 12-year-old boys? Damn Australia, what happened? You use to be cool!

Bill Cosby Finally Agrees To Talk About Those Sexual Abuse Allegations, Says He Doesn’t Want To Talk About It

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

With more women coming forward alleging that Bill Cosby gave them drugs and did not right shit with them, and more networks yanking anything that has to do with Poppa Pudding Pop off the air, and more people at home awkwardly wondering “Uh…so…is he ever going to talk about this or what?“, Bill Cosby has finally agreed to talk about this.

Before a show in Melbourne, FL on Friday night, Bill spoke to Florida Today (via Mediaite) about the allegations that have pretty much been a daily thing for the past couple of weeks (this just in: another woman has come forward, bringing the Bill Cosby Sexual Assault Count to…crap, I lost count) and Bill says pretty much exactly what you’d think he’d say – NOTHING with a side of NOTHING:

“I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn’t have to answer to innuendos. People should fact check. People shouldn’t have to go through that and shouldn’t answer to innuendos.”

He also said that he’s getting tired of sneaky assholes paying people to go to his shows and harass him about the allegations, and would like it to stop because he’s afraid things could get violent:

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

The rebooted Puppy Surprise!

Yes, the world is a shitty, gross place where shitty, gross things happen all the time, but sometimes magical good things happen. Case in point: The triumphant comeback of Puppy Surprise! Puppy Surprise has risen from the ashes like a cotton candy-haired, knocked up phoenix. Puppy Surprise (and Kitty Surprise and Bunny Surprise and Pony Surprise) were put down by Hasbro in 1993 after only two years on the shelves. But this past summer, toy company Just Play brought Puppy Surprise back from the dead and gave it a second chance at ruling the toy scene. Because everyone loves a knocked up, pink-haired raver puppy whose got a plushie gut full of raver puppies, Puppy Surprise has been a huge hit and they can’t keep up with the demand.

Charlie Embry, one of the founders of Just Play, tells Bloomberg Businessweek that they stopped showing the commercial on TV, because people can’t get enough of that weird ass mommy puppy whose hair obviously needs a date with a tube of Vo5 hot oil treatment. Just Play also makes Care Bears and in the four years they’ve been in business, they’ made $160 million in overall sales.

Just Play pretty much kept Puppy Surprise the same. Kids still give her a c-section by opening up her stomach and they still don’t know how many puppies she’s knocked with. The puppies are all different shapes, sizes and colors. So kids will still get to experience that feeling of rage and wanting to call the authorities when they perform a C-section on their dog and only 3 puppies are in there. Ripped off! Just Play did add something new. The puppies with rubber faces are “born” with closed eyes. You can open their eyes by dipping them in cold water. I’m guessing the rubber-faced puppies are plastered on the sweet nectar, because splashing my face with cold water is what my friends and family members do to me when I’m passed out drunk and they want me to open up my eyes.

Puppy Surprise has a new commercial (which you can watch here), but I’ve thrown up the old one, because it’s better. This is how some kids learned about reproduction. They were probably so confused years later when they went into labor and the doctor didn’t deliver their baby by pulling open their velcro’d stomach.

All hail Just Play! They’re the Misty Day of the toy world and are bringing pieces from our childhoods back to life. I wonder if they take requests, because I’ve got a never-ending list that starts with Fireball Island.

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Birthday Sluts

November 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Mads Mikkelsen (49)
Hailey Baldwin (18)
Adele Exarchopoulos (21)
Jamie Campbell Bower (26)
Scarlett Johansson (30)
Tyler Hilton (31)
Karen O (36)
Ville Valo (38)
Boris Becker (47)
Mark Ruffalo (47)
Michael Kenneth Williams (48)
Mariel Hemingway (53)
Jamie Lee Curtis (56)
Donny Deutsch (57)
Richard Kind (58)
Steve Van Zandt (64)
Billie Jean King (71)
Terry Gilliam (74)
Robert Vaughn (82)

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Beyoncebot Malfunctions And Goes Crazy In Her Video For 7/11

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

On Monday, Beyonce is re-releasing the album the almost broke the Internet (unlike Kim Kartrashian’s glazed ham ass which only broke screens), because she knows that the Beyhive will empty their checking accounts to buy a zillion copies of it and she needs the money since she’s been saving up to buy the planet Venus and rename is Beynus. The “platinum edition” of her album includes 2 new songs, 4 new remixes and some other shit. One of the new songs is 7/11, which bruised my eardrums, and she burped up the video for it tonight.

This shit’s supposed to look like Beyonce got stoned, drunk and spontaneously decided to make a video with her girlfriends in a hotel suite one day. It’s quirky, cutesy, accessible and goofy Beyonce! It was shot on an iPhone 6 in 1 hour with no budget! Please, Beyonce doesn’t do quirky and she doesn’t do shit with no budget. To make this video, it took 3 weeks to storyboard it, 3 weeks of pre-production and 5 weeks to shoot on several sound stages in several cities using a crew of make-up artists, stylists flown in from 3 different countries, choreographers, a cinematographer, high tech lights, a camera crew of 12, a facial expression coach, wig masters, stand-ins and full catering. It took another 4 weeks of post-production to finish it and it’s the most expensive video of all-time. That’s supposed to be Blue Ivy Carter at the 0:57 mark, but it’s really a grown midget stunt double. And that part where she’s singing “Don’t you drink that alcohol!” took 4 days to film, because she wanted to spill just the right amount of alcohol.

That’s really how this video was made.

With all that being said, I can’t wait to see the messy recreations of this video that the Glittery Gays of YouTube and beyond will bust out. If you’re doing a recreation of this shit and need an ass to play dice on, you know where to find me.

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Night Crumbs

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

A shirtless Charlie Hunnam is in Vogue with an adorable dog friend on his back, a bike under his body and a hippie chick on his front, because FASHION. The dog easily wins the picture and is outperforming the humans by giving a truly complex performance. Doggy’s body language says, “Yeah, this is my bitch, but I’ll let you play with him a little, girly,” and doggy’s face says, “The hell is this picture and why are you making me pose in it?” – Lainey Gossip 

How do you say “I CAN’T” in Polish? – Jezebel

Balderdash Kumquatsack almost had the boring, non-fun name of Benedict Carlton (which sounds like the name of a snooty boutique hotel in Beverly Hills adjacent) – Celebitchy

The top of Emily Ratatouille’s dress looks like gold spaghetti – Drunken Stepfather

In other words, Kim Kartrashian has already booked North West’s first Playboy shoot for June 15, 2031 - The Superficial 

That windstorm blowing into Pakistan is from the entire country of India collectively breathing out a huge sigh of relief after hearing that Kim Kartrashian is not coming to their country after all –  Reality Tea 

Conchita Wurst’s new video looks like the intro to a super serious FX show about robot cowboys and the bearded brides who love them – Towleroad

Chicken Cutlets serves up two raw cornish game hens – WWTDD

How many area rugs died to make Alessandra Ambrosio’s dress? – Hollywood Tuna 

The pimp circa 1976 whom Miranda Kerr stole those gold pajama pants from isn’t going to be happy with her – IDLYITW

File this under: Outfits that Bianca Jagger wore to Studio 54 in the 70s – Popoholic

The catchiest songs of all time really aren’t that catchy – The Berry

The Queef LaQueefah Show has been snuffed out – ICYDK

How do I prepare my liver for all the booze I’m going to swallow while watching the ship wreck disaster that is Peter Pan Live? – OMG Blog

Please, like Beyonce is really going to drink an actual Slurpee. That’s just a Slurpee cup filled with blended rubies and crushed diamonds – Popsugar

Here’s when a young Bradley Cooper sucked Sarah Jessica Parker’s face in Sex and the City. Think of it as the closest he’ll ever get to starring in EquusSOW

Cher should just get Chad Michaels to do the rest of her dates for her – Boy Culture

I know Orlando Bloom’s in Prague, but he’s wearing the perfect L.A. winter ensemble – Just Jared

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Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One: Lindsay Lohan Is Planning A Movie Comeback

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

And I bet the planning went something like this: (phone ringing) “Hey Oprah? It’s me. What do you mean ‘who?’, it’s Lindsay Lohan! Listen, I’ve got a great idea. I saw that HBO has this docu-series about a washed-up actress with red hair named Valerie-something trying to make a career comeback, and I was like OMG we should totally do the same thing! Hello? Hello?

Since things are going so well for Lindsay Lohan in London (ie: she’s actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible), it sounds like the Apricot Ashtray is considering tip-toeing back to Hollywood and try her freckled hand at movies again. A source close to LiLo (a Franzia-drunk Dina screaming over Skype) tells Radar that when Speed-The-Plow wraps on November 29th, she’s going to be in the market for a new job, and currently she’s interested in applying for the position of “professional movie star”:

“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”

In case you were wondering, IMDB says those three “big movies” are a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. So technically she is doing movies again, but none of them count because they’re not Life-Size 2. I want a sequel to Life-Size, dammit!

I don’t doubt that Lindsay can make a comeback, and I honestly want her to because I’ve got a soft-spot in my heart for that lil’ sunset-colored mess, but she’ll never be as great as she once was, and no, I’m not talking about the Mean Girls years. I’m talking about her smoky-voiced bottle-smashing busted wig-wearing performance in Liz & Dick! Nothing will ever compare to the next-level thespian genius that is Lindsay shouting “I’M BORED. I’M SO BORED.

Open Post: Hosted By The Ferret Who Almost Had It All

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Haven’t we all been there? We’ve all seen a dream in the near distance, a dream that seems so close we can touch it. We carefully make plans to make that dream come true and right after we leap for it, gravity fucks with us and we eat floor as some mean ass ho laughs in our faces. Mala the Ferret is all of us. Mala will get it next time. Her ass just needs to watch Outrageous Fortune a few times, because Shelley Long will teach her how to really leap.

Note: No ferret bodies were injured in the making of this video. Ferret egos, however…

via Daily Picks and Flicks

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Dame St. Angie Jolie May Or May Not Retire From Acting

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Dame. St Angie Jolie has already directed 3 movies and she’ll soon start production on her 4th directorial project Africa. St. Angie is a serious director now! So since she’s a serious director, she’s joined the club of actors who are bored of doing acting shit and want to be full-time serious directors. While talking to DuJour Magazine about that Unbroken movie, St. Angie says that she’s definitely done with acting once she finishes up a few acting projects including Cleopatra (Side note: Can she retire before then, because the world doesn’t need her as Cleopatra).

“I’ve never been comfortable as an actor; I’ve never loved being in front of the camera,” Jolie says. “I didn’t ever think I could direct, but I hope I’m able to have a career at it because I’m much happier.”

Is the plan to give up acting entirely?

She smiles. “Absolutely.”

I know, this is some wall slide-inducing sad news for the zero of you who have been aching for a sequel to The Tourist.

But St. Angie tells Entertainment Weekly that she’ll retire from acting one day, but it’s not happening anytime soon.

“I see myself moving into directing more and doing much less as an actor. I have a few more in me, ones I have been developing for some time, so I will do those before I step away.”

How many times has she hinted at retiring? The first time she did it, the world continued to spin and surprisingly, Hollywood executives didn’t burn down their studios before setting themselves on fire, because what’s the point of going on when the greatest movie actress of every generation is done with acting in movies? So she hinted at it again. The world didn’t stop and the Hollywood sign didn’t crumble and slide down the hill. It didn’t happen this time either. If St. Angie really retired from acting to devote all of her time to directing, we’d know it. The world would stop and every Hollywood director would QUIT THAT BITCH, because there’s no way they could compete with the brilliance of St. Angie! So, she’s not retiring from acting and she’s definitely not retiring from saying she’s retiring from acting.

Here’s the not retired actress at the Paley Center in NYC today.

Pics: Splash

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