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On Monday, Beyonce is re-releasing the album the almost broke the Internet (unlike Kim Kartrashian’s glazed ham ass which only broke screens), because she knows that the Beyhive will empty their checking accounts to buy a zillion copies of it and she needs the money since she’s been saving up to buy the planet Venus and rename is Beynus. The “platinum edition” of her album includes 2 new songs, 4 new remixes and some other shit. One of the new songs is 7/11, which bruised my eardrums, and she burped up the video for it tonight.
This shit’s supposed to look like Beyonce got stoned, drunk and spontaneously decided to make a video with her girlfriends in a hotel suite one day. It’s quirky, cutesy, accessible and goofy Beyonce! It was shot on an iPhone 6 in 1 hour with no budget! Please, Beyonce doesn’t do quirky and she doesn’t do shit with no budget. To make this video, it took 3 weeks to storyboard it, 3 weeks of pre-production and 5 weeks to shoot on several sound stages in several cities using a crew of make-up artists, stylists flown in from 3 different countries, choreographers, a cinematographer, high tech lights, a camera crew of 12, a facial expression coach, wig masters, stand-ins and full catering. It took another 4 weeks of post-production to finish it and it’s the most expensive video of all-time. That’s supposed to be Blue Ivy Carter at the 0:57 mark, but it’s really a grown midget stunt double. And that part where she’s singing “Don’t you drink that alcohol!” took 4 days to film, because she wanted to spill just the right amount of alcohol.
That’s really how this video was made.
With all that being said, I can’t wait to see the messy recreations of this video that the Glittery Gays of YouTube and beyond will bust out. If you’re doing a recreation of this shit and need an ass to play dice on, you know where to find me.
A shirtless Charlie Hunnam is in Vogue with an adorable dog friend on his back, a bike under his body and a hippie chick on his front, because FASHION. The dog easily wins the picture and is outperforming the humans by giving a truly complex performance. Doggy’s body language says, “Yeah, this is my bitch, but I’ll let you play with him a little, girly,” and doggy’s face says, “The hell is this picture and why are you making me pose in it?” – Lainey Gossip
How do you say “I CAN’T” in Polish? – Jezebel
Balderdash Kumquatsack almost had the boring, non-fun name of Benedict Carlton (which sounds like the name of a snooty boutique hotel in Beverly Hills adjacent) – Celebitchy
The top of Emily Ratatouille’s dress looks like gold spaghetti – Drunken Stepfather
In other words, Kim Kartrashian has already booked North West’s first Playboy shoot for June 15, 2031 - The Superficial
That windstorm blowing into Pakistan is from the entire country of India collectively breathing out a huge sigh of relief after hearing that Kim Kartrashian is not coming to their country after all – Reality Tea
Conchita Wurst’s new video looks like the intro to a super serious FX show about robot cowboys and the bearded brides who love them – Towleroad
Chicken Cutlets serves up two raw cornish game hens – WWTDD
How many area rugs died to make Alessandra Ambrosio’s dress? – Hollywood Tuna
The pimp circa 1976 whom Miranda Kerr stole those gold pajama pants from isn’t going to be happy with her – IDLYITW
File this under: Outfits that Bianca Jagger wore to Studio 54 in the 70s – Popoholic
The catchiest songs of all time really aren’t that catchy – The Berry
The Queef LaQueefah Show has been snuffed out – ICYDK
How do I prepare my liver for all the booze I’m going to swallow while watching the ship wreck disaster that is Peter Pan Live? – OMG Blog
Please, like Beyonce is really going to drink an actual Slurpee. That’s just a Slurpee cup filled with blended rubies and crushed diamonds – Popsugar
Here’s when a young Bradley Cooper sucked Sarah Jessica Parker’s face in Sex and the City. Think of it as the closest he’ll ever get to starring in Equus – SOW
Cher should just get Chad Michaels to do the rest of her dates for her – Boy Culture
I know Orlando Bloom’s in Prague, but he’s wearing the perfect L.A. winter ensemble – Just Jared
And I bet the planning went something like this: (phone ringing) “Hey Oprah? It’s me. What do you mean ‘who?’, it’s Lindsay Lohan! Listen, I’ve got a great idea. I saw that HBO has this docu-series about a washed-up actress with red hair named Valerie-something trying to make a career comeback, and I was like OMG we should totally do the same thing! Hello? Hello?”
Since things are going so well for Lindsay Lohan in London (ie: she’s actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible), it sounds like the Apricot Ashtray is considering tip-toeing back to Hollywood and try her freckled hand at movies again. A source close to LiLo (a Franzia-drunk Dina screaming over Skype) tells Radar that when Speed-The-Plow wraps on November 29th, she’s going to be in the market for a new job, and currently she’s interested in applying for the position of “professional movie star”:
“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”
In case you were wondering, IMDB says those three “big movies” are a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. So technically she is doing movies again, but none of them count because they’re not Life-Size 2. I want a sequel to Life-Size, dammit!
I don’t doubt that Lindsay can make a comeback, and I honestly want her to because I’ve got a soft-spot in my heart for that lil’ sunset-colored mess, but she’ll never be as great as she once was, and no, I’m not talking about the Mean Girls years. I’m talking about her smoky-voiced bottle-smashing busted wig-wearing performance in Liz & Dick! Nothing will ever compare to the next-level thespian genius that is Lindsay shouting “I’M BORED. I’M SO BORED.“
Haven’t we all been there? We’ve all seen a dream in the near distance, a dream that seems so close we can touch it. We carefully make plans to make that dream come true and right after we leap for it, gravity fucks with us and we eat floor as some mean ass ho laughs in our faces. Mala the Ferret is all of us. Mala will get it next time. Her ass just needs to watch Outrageous Fortune a few times, because Shelley Long will teach her how to really leap.
Note: No ferret bodies were injured in the making of this video. Ferret egos, however…
Dame. St Angie Jolie has already directed 3 movies and she’ll soon start production on her 4th directorial project Africa. St. Angie is a serious director now! So since she’s a serious director, she’s joined the club of actors who are bored of doing acting shit and want to be full-time serious directors. While talking to DuJour Magazine about that Unbroken movie, St. Angie says that she’s definitely done with acting once she finishes up a few acting projects including Cleopatra (Side note: Can she retire before then, because the world doesn’t need her as Cleopatra).
“I’ve never been comfortable as an actor; I’ve never loved being in front of the camera,” Jolie says. “I didn’t ever think I could direct, but I hope I’m able to have a career at it because I’m much happier.”
Is the plan to give up acting entirely?
She smiles. “Absolutely.”
I know, this is some wall slide-inducing sad news for the zero of you who have been aching for a sequel to The Tourist.
But St. Angie tells Entertainment Weekly that she’ll retire from acting one day, but it’s not happening anytime soon.
“I see myself moving into directing more and doing much less as an actor. I have a few more in me, ones I have been developing for some time, so I will do those before I step away.”
How many times has she hinted at retiring? The first time she did it, the world continued to spin and surprisingly, Hollywood executives didn’t burn down their studios before setting themselves on fire, because what’s the point of going on when the greatest movie actress of every generation is done with acting in movies? So she hinted at it again. The world didn’t stop and the Hollywood sign didn’t crumble and slide down the hill. It didn’t happen this time either. If St. Angie really retired from acting to devote all of her time to directing, we’d know it. The world would stop and every Hollywood director would QUIT THAT BITCH, because there’s no way they could compete with the brilliance of St. Angie! So, she’s not retiring from acting and she’s definitely not retiring from saying she’s retiring from acting.
Here’s the not retired actress at the Paley Center in NYC today.
I will tell you right now that Jennifer Lawrence singing “The Hanging Tree” sounds a lot like a 3am recording of Jennifer Lawrence talking out the lyrics to “The Hanging Tree” in her sleep. It also sounds like a NyQuil stoned Jennifer Lawrence doing a karaoke version of “The Hanging Tree” at a mopey hipster bar. It also sounds like a fed-up frog who smokes American Spirit blacks asking her no-good boyfriend if he’s going to “The Hanging Tree”, which might be the name of a XXX all-nude frog strip club. It also sounds like when you try to play a record backwards, and you think you’re going to hear the voice of Satan, but it just sounds like someone struggling to take a shit.
But I’ll leave that up to you to decide! America’s cool fart Jennifer Lawrence recorded a version of “The Hanging Tree” for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, which based on my rudimentary internet research, is a sad hill people song that is sung by Katniss or her dad in the Hunger Games movies. I can’t really judge whether or not she sounds good, since I have a voice that would melt plastic and therefore am not at liberty to judge singing talent. But I can tell she hired Chris Martin as her vocal coach, because she sounds like a bored ghost. Again, still 100% better than me.
Here’s JLaw sing-talking a song that will no doubt go triple rhodium and be remixed to hell and back and eventually covered by Gwyneth Paltrow on Glee next season:
According to Page Six, the blind items are telling lies. Giada de Laurentiis isn’t a swallower. She’s a spitter!
The Italian lollipop once told Health.com that people are always asking her how it’s possible for her to eat all that delicious food and stay as skinny as a parakeet’s pinky nail. Giada said at the time that she only eats a little bit of everything and doesn’t overstuff herself. But a source tells Page Six that when Tweety Bird’s human sister shoots her Food Network show, she doesn’t swallow anything and keeps a spit bucket nearby. Everything that goes into her mouth, comes out. Some source spit this out into Page Six’s bucket:
“When Giada films her cooking show, she never eats. Never. When she is making drinks and food that she has to drink or eat, they have a dump bucket that is brought out the second they cut. Sometimes when they are shooting her taking bites out of food like cake, they have an assistant take the bite (so you only see teeth and a mouth), and then they cut back to her taking an empty fork out of her mouth to resume filming. She does not eat at all while filming.”
Giada’s rep, Stephen Huvane (yes, Jennifer Aniston’s Stephen Huvane), spit at Page Six’s story. Stephen says that Giada does eat her own food, but sometimes they shoot three episodes in one day “and they do multiple takes on a close-up of her eating. She doesn’t always eat and swallow every time, since they can do sometimes six to 10 takes with three episodes a day, and that would be like eating six to eight meals a day.”
“She doesn’t always eat and swallow every time” is the new definition of TOO EASY.
Don’t they all do this? Well, all of them except for Guy Fieri who definitely swallows all that crap. But other than him, I thought all TV food tricks were spitters. That’s why watching those food shows is painful sometimes. I know that they didn’t finish the dish and probably spit that food into a bucket. What a waste. Since Alicia Silverstone is living that green life and cares about reducing waste, she should volunteer to be a human bucket on cooking show sets. After the take, the host can bird feed her the food they chewed up and then she can bird feed it to her son. Nothing will go to waste!
I have literally been staring at this picture of Jennifer Aniston with her 45-year-old tits out for about 18 minutes and wondering which I should be more jealous of: that her tits are 1,000x better than mine (“Well, start wearing a bra then, dummy!” – hissed my tits) or that she’s made herself a handy built-in shelf for holding her drinks when her arms get tired. Yeah, you’re right – the second one. I would give anything for a built-in booze holder.
Last night was the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere in Los Angeles, and I know I talked a lot about Jenny’s chichis at the London premiere, but that was NOTHING compared to the bridal boobs bonanza she was serving up last night. Everything about her look is so great, from the “Yeah I just woke up in a casino bathroom” hair to the hand-beaded beauty pageant pearl couture to the Orange Opulence spray tan. She’s beautiful – she’s exactly what I want to look like when I get married; like an upscale mermaid escort.
She also gets points for looking like a slutty cosplay of Kelly and Brenda at the Spring Dance, which is always a classic.
Here’s more of potential future Academy Award-nominated actress Jennifer Aniston working wedding stripper on top and funeral stripper on the bottom at the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere, as well as all the dudes in that movie (smug SNL dude, Arrested Development dude, Charlie from It’s Always Sunny), and for some reason Bai Ling – you know what? She doesn’t need a reason to be there. Bai Ling should be invited to everything.