If the whole being “the alien lizard sex god of Tumblr and beyond” doesn’t work out for Bentducttape Cummyrash he can always get a full-time job as a Sherlock Holmes soft-core fanfiction writer, because he’s got it down. I don’t watch the BBC’s Sherlock Holmes, because I prefer my Sherlock in a more classical setting and for me, it’s not close enough to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s original stories. That is why I only watch the gay porn parody Surelick Homos. But I have read that Benedict’s Sherlock never sticks his shercock in anybody and he’s pretty much a-sexual. During an interview with Elle UK, Benedict and the interviewer got into talking about what Sherlock would be like during fuck times.
The interviewer thinks that Sherlock would be a dud in bed, but B. Cums thinks the exact opposite. B. Cums convinces the interviewer by getting detailed. He’s obviously thought about this a lot. He starts off by saying how he’d prepare for the sex and what the condom fitting would be like:
Oooh… You know I’d get the, I’d probably test the latex, if it involved prophylactics, beforehand.
I’d do a little experiment to do with durability, length, girth, and um, strength. And um, I would probably take a lot of vitamin supplements to make sure that I could perform, and had had my sleep, and probably not had many cigarettes. Or drink, for that matter. Not that he does drink.
Is he preparing to fuck or preparing for surgery? Damn. And then he goes on to describe lizard cunnilingus and finger banging amphibian-style.
And then I would be devastating. I’d know exactly how to please a woman, I’d know exactly where to put my fingers, where to put my tongue, where to put my – his I should say – his fingers, his tongue. Think about violinists, think about what they can do with their fingers.
And I’d know exactly how to get that person into it, and get pleasure out of making that person feel pleasure to the point that I probably wouldn’t even have to enter…
But when I did it would be explosive.
I’m sure the coochies of the Cumberbitches are still spitting out steam after reading this, but I don’t know why. So what he’s saying is that Sherlock’s piece has to lie around and wait as he methodically tries on condoms like he’s trying on a tuxedo for his wedding day. After that, she’d have to wait some more as he takes some Centrum, gives himself a B12 shot, takes a power nap and plays the Rocky theme song while giving his dick a pep talk. Finally, he’d give her some tongue and finger love and after all of that, he’d stick in the tip of his hemipenis for a second before cumming. 3 hours of pre-sex warming up, 1 hour of foreplay and 10 seconds of dicking. That’s what I got from this. So in other words, Benedict thinks Sherlock is surely a cock tease.
I want to know what Robert Downey Jr. thinks of this.