Open Post: Hosted By The Poor Bride Whose Ass Kissed The Concrete On Her Wedding Day

Because people falling is weed-infused Prozac for the soul, below is a video of a bride and groom doing the dun-dun-duh-BOOM march into their wedding reception after getting married in Camp Verde, Arizona. The groom tells ABC News in an interview (because THIS IS NEWS) that he thought it would be a really good idea to carry his new wife into the party, but when he tripped, gravity wouldn’t let them be great and they both married the sidewalk. The groom, Chad Kannard, says that the fall only looks brutal and they didn’t spend their honeymoon in physical therapy. They only suffered a few cuts and a fracture to their embarrassment bones. The bride, Julia Magdaleno, says that even though they started their marriage off with bruised ass cheeks (that’s how I want to start my marriage too!), they laughed about it.

“I was like ‘go figure,’ like, I’m so type A where I need to, like, make sure everything’s planned out and this one moment where I just let it go, what you think would be the worst thing possible happened, but I got up and I was laughing so hard. I thought it was, like, the best thing that’s ever happened.”

Here’s the video and you might want to lube up your tonsils before pressing play, because if you’re like me, you’ll scream “Move that goddamn barrel” over and over again. If you’re going to fall in front of a camera at your wedding reception, at least move the barrel first so all of us can clearly see it. So selfish.

And yet, she didn’t even think about letting go of that bouquet. A true champion.

But seriously, why oh why couldn’t this have happened to Kimye at their wedding?! Actually, I don’t mean that. Because if that happened, we’d all be trying to open a can of beans with a rat tooth while huddling together in a cave made of rubble after “the big one” hit and destroyed most of civilization.