Meanwhile up in the right corner, Squinty Zellweger is like “And I don’t always want to be known as Squinty! I’m doing a good job, right?”
Unless you’re a huge Pieces of April fan (and really, who isn’t), I think we can all agree that the most interesting thing Katie Holmes has ever done was agreeing to be Tom Cruise’s robotic dead-eyed Stepford wife and birthing out The Intergalactic Empress of Xenu, Suri. However, Katie Holmes wants you to know that Katie Holmes has a lot more to offer that just being known as the Bride of Scientology. Tommy Girl’s former Gretchen Wieners tells People:
“I don’t want that moment in my life to define me, to be who I am,” she says of her post-split persona. “I don’t want that to be what I’m known as. I was an actor before, an actor during and an actor now.”
She also says that she’s no longer scared to see one of Tommy Girl’s sassy Scientology henchmen at her front door wearing one of John Travolta’s busted facial wiglets and holding a giant burlap sack, claiming to be a “Federal Drywall Inspector” who needs to “step inside” and “talk to you about…something”. NO! She doesn’t actually specify, but that’s what I’d be askaird of if I was once married to Tom Cruise.
“I don’t have any fear now, I don’t have a lot of rules for myself, and I don’t take myself that seriously.”
I just pictured Katie Holmes in a NO FEAR t-shirt, and yeah, I got quite a kick out of it.
This isn’t the first time Katie has spoken about the five years she spent as Tom Cruise’s My Size Thetan, and it won’t be the last. I bet she’ll be in a nursing home and people will be asking her shit like: “Katie, would you rather watch Matlock or tell me about when you were married to Tom Cruise?“. Then when she dies, Jesus will be like “Hey girl! Remember that time you were married to Tom Cruise?!?” Then when Suri eventually ascends to power as the leader of the Galactic Confederacy and takes over the world, Scientologists will announce her arrival by saying: “All hail Her Majesty Suri, the chosen one born of Katie Holmes! Speaking of, remember when Katie Holmes was married to Tom Cruise?!?” It will never end!