While leaving the office of her stylist Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe in L.A. on Friday, Jennifer Lawrence, who was dressed like the lost member of One Direction, continued her love-filled love affair with the paparazzi by hitting their lenses with a fuck you umbrella. I was all about that umbrella until 2 things happened:
1. I found out that umbrella cost 45 goddamn dollars and I’d never spend that kind of coin on an umbrella especially since I already have a pile of half-broken bodega umbrellas I dragged with me from NYC. It never rains here, so I only pull those umbrellas out when RiRi’s “Umbrella” plays on iTunes and I need a prop to dance around with.
2. I realized that if it does actually rain on Jennifer Lawrence’s head, that umbrella will become an aggressive, dark-sided, unholy threatening tool against the gods when she holds it the way it’s supposed to be held. It’ll flip off the angels up in heaven! (Lucifer’s mistress, Pimp Mama Kris, just bought 100 of them, thankyouverymuch.) Although, like I said up above, JLaw’s never going to do that since the closest she’ll ever get to getting rained on in L.A. is if she’s stopped at a red light with her car window down and the dumb piece of trash next to her decides it’s a really good time to wash his windshield and that washer fluid splashes all over her. It’s happened to me once and I still spend many sleepless nights trying to track down that motherfucker so I can get revenge.
It was nice of JLaw to give her middle finger the day off. Usually JLaw uses her actual middle finger to tell the paps how much she loves them. Because she’s been dating Chris Martin, her middle finger is probably exhausted and tired since she regularly uses it to pop his stuck doody bubbles after he makes up for lost times by filling his mouth hole with Arby’s and Taco Bell. So it was very considerate of her to give her middle finger a break on Friday.
Speaking of Chris Martin, if you want to see the $8 million Beverly Hills house that will soon be filled the sound of his farts (which sound like Bono’s farts except whinier if you can believe that), click here.