Aspiring drowsy-faced pimp mama and current drowsy-faced hooker Kim Kardashian celebrated her 34th birthday last night at Tao in Las Vegas, and even though she’s another year older, she proved she’s still just as cheap n’ tacky as ever by arriving with her sloppy spray-tanned tits hanging out of her dress. I know it’s Las Vegas, but why do I get the feeling that even the drunkest, messiest pieces of trash on the strip would look at Kim and think “Put them away, hooker!” What in the world is she wearing? She looks like a slutty mummy (change one letter, and that statement is 100% accurate).
Or maybe Pimp Mama Kris instructed Kim to make a little extra cash while she was in Vegas by “entertaining” some wealthy gentlemen looking for the come-to-life knock-off Real Doll experience. All she has to do is park Kanye Kardashian at a slot machine with a cup of change and promise she’ll be back before they put the scrambled eggs out at the breakfast buffet.
And can you believe that Kim and her Charmin-covered chichis weren’t actually the messiest messes at her birthday party? That honor goes to Kim’s old understudy Khloe Kardashian, who showed up wearing a gold grill and 8 layers of bronzer caked onto her forehead:
Well, I think we finally know who Khloe’s real father is! NO! Jaws would never! He may be an evil henchman, but even he draws the line at hooking up with that evil rubber-faced viper Pimp Mama Kris!
Here’s more of Kim looking like a poorly-iced Lady Baltimore cake (I picked Lady Baltimore, because Kim is used to being covered in nuts) with her kurrent husband Kanye, as well as Khloe serving up bath salts brothel madame realness with Salacious B. Cheban last night: