Tracy Anderson, the little hard-bodied come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet that could, continued to be either the worst friend ever or the best internet troll alive when she posted an Instagram video of Gwyneth Paltrow doing the Sassy Corn Broom Shuffle in one of her rich lady jazzercise classes yesterday. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Gwyneth awkwardly busting a goopy move with Tracy Anderson, but it’s definitely my favorite, because she sort of looks like the drunk chick at Dave & Buster’s who won’t get off the Dance Dance Revolution machine (there’s always a drunk mess hogging the DDR machine). She’s kick-ball-changing like the rent on her self-knitting organic backyard cashmere goat herd is due!
And it goes without saying, but if Gwyneth wants to learn how to really drop it like it’s hot, she should swap out Tracy Anderson for the Drunk Lord of the Dance herself, Laura Jeanne Poon.
I really love how Gwyneth puts her acting skills to good use by pretending to be surprised that someone was filming her dancing. Oh Gwyneth, you transparent trick! You’re dancing in your bra with your 6-pack coconut water abs out. The only thing more obvious would be if she were dancing to “Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls while Tracy held up a cardboard cut-out of Chris Martin for her to grind her bony butt against. “I’m still the hottest, right? RIGHT?!?”
Speaking of Goop and The Human Scarf, The Daily Mail seems to think there’s still some organic triple-filtered alkalinized romance water still flowing between them (ew). On Wednesday night, Goop and Coop took the Gooplets out for dinner, and Gwyneth was spotted touching Chris’s face before she headed back to Castle Goopskull in her car. TOUCHING??? FACE??? Sluuuuts. Come on Daily Mail, you should know better. Face touching isn’t love; that’s just some casual hit-it-and-quit-it action. Get it goopy! Touch that gentle face!