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October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The “virtual autopsy” picture of King Tut! 

If Hollywood made a King Tut biopic right now, they’d probably dye Zac Efron’s hair black and cast him in the title role. But according to a “virtual autopsy,” King Tut looked more like the love child of Prince William and a Concorde Pear.

For the BBC documentary Tutankhamun: The Truth Uncovered, researchers did a virtual autopsy composite using over 2,000 computer scans of his burial mask and results they got from doing a genetic analysis of his family. Researchers discovered that King Tut’s parents were part of The Incest Is Best Club, because they were brother and sister. Expect St. Angie Jolie to announce that she plans to direct a biopic of King Tut’s parents starring her and James Haven.

The Daily Mail says that because his mom was also his tia and his uncle was also his tio, he was born with physical impairments including a club foot. Scientists also think he died of an inherited disease when he was 19. Earlier this year, egyptologists from the American University in Cairo discovered that King Tut’s dick was embalmed at a 90-degree angle. They didn’t see how long it was. I know, what kind of researchers are they?

So, there you go. There’s a true-to-life, 100% authentic picture of a 19-year-old King Tut working the shit out of an Egyptian diaper. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’d all hit it. He was king! That diaper’s probably filled with gold.

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