In an attempt to take a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to his grime-covered reputation as Hollywood’s recurring plantar wart, Sam Lutfi – the sleazy barnacle who spent most of 2007 permanently stuck to the back of Britney Spears and most recently the tricky ho responsible for getting Amanda Bynes checked into a mental health facility– wrote a piece for xoJane.com on Friday titled “It Happened To Me: I’m Sam Lutfi and I’m Trying to Help Amanda Bynes.” I guess Sam was sick of everyone playing negative word association games with his name (the most common being NO! and STAY AWAY!) and throwing him some epic side-eye regarding his involvement with Amanda Bynes, so he sat down and wrote an open letter to the haters who think he’s nothing more than a disaster-chasing opportunistic fame humper. According to Sam Lutfi, Sam Lutfi is a modern-day Mother Teresa for wayward starlets!
“If you read anything in the media right now I’m described one of two ways: “shady” or “Svengali.” Putting aside the racist and anti-Semitic problems of those two words, there is also one other huge issue with them: They are absolutely dead wrong.
“I’ve worked in Hollywood for a long time, and over the years these experiences have led me to see what happens when too much fame and too much money can sometimes get the best of celebrities. I am a problem solver, and I care about helping people get out of what may seem like some of their more difficult places in life. Which is why you have seen me associated with some of the more famous celebrities when they are in their most trying hours: Britney Spears, Courtney Love and now Amanda Bynes.”
There you have it! From Sam Lutfi’s lips to God’s ears, Sam Lutfi is your friendly neighborhood low-budget Captain Save-A-Ho! When a famous ho is in a bad way, Sam Lutfi swoops in on a cloud of AXE body spray and douche fumes to rescue her and take her to find help. It’s definitely not to exploit a bad situation for fame, no sir. “LOL, sure bro” – Adnan Ghalib.
To prove his intentions are true, Sam enlisted the help of his friend Courtney Love to vouch for him. In fact, it was Courtney’s idea to write the open letter for xoJane.com to clear his name.
“Courtney asked me to write this in order to help stop some of the misinformation campaigns that have been nonstop over the last few weeks as Bynes has been more in the spotlight than ever. All I can tell you is that Amanda is getting the help that she needs and that I am working closely with her and her family in order to ensure that we can move on from the tabloid sensationalism of her “breakdown” and instead concentrate on what a rare, talented young woman she has always been and continues to be.”
But if only we knew what Courtney really think of Sam. Oh, what do we have here! Sam was able to provide a screenshot of one of their conversations:
I think the term “quo0te me on that” pretty much says it all. Always a great idea! If there’s anyone you want vetting your reputation, it’s the human handful of random pills Courtney Love. I feel like any reference from Detective Courtney Love should come with a giant grain of salt. Like an actual physical softball-sized piece of salt that you’d throw at someone’s head before shouting “You dummy! Are you seriously forming your opinion of Sam Lutfi based on a testimonial from Courtney Love???”
Sam then closes with this ~deep~ thought:
“Call me whatever name you need to but please, leave these women alone.”
Yes Sam, please, leave these women alone. Actually, “Please leave these women alone” is a good nickname for Sam Lutfi.
And if Hollywood ever decides to do a low-budget American version of Sherlock, I nominate Detective Courtney Love and her faithful sidekick Sam Lutfi. Getting drunk! Solving mysteries! Mostly getting drunk!