When Bland Lively announced she was knocked up with the fastest of Van Wilder’s sperms, I immediately braced myself for the eventual onslaught of fetus-themed delicate vintage diaper this and whimsical pregnancy farts that. Really, it was only a matter of time before Bland released a DIY on Preserve.us about curating an eclectic vignette inside your womb using antique mercury glass vases, naturally weathered barn wood, twinkle lights, and a bundle of sage to make the baby feel more “inspired” as it dances in slow-motion through the amniotic fluid wearing a crown made from organic wildflowers and its own umbilical cord.
Sadly, that hasn’t happened (yet). But until then, at least we know Bland has managed to extend her Aspiring Faux-Hipster Martha Stewart life theme into her pregnancy cravings. A source close to Bland (a talking vintage patchwork quilt) told Heat magazine (via The Mirror) that she’s craving quite possibly the most Preserve-iest of foodstuffs, and it’s Ryan Reynolds job to procure them:
“She sends Ryan out in the middle of the night for organic hand-churned pumpkin-flavoured ice cream and small-batch pickles.”
OF COURSE! Of course she’s craving hand-churned ice cream (although she probably refers to pumpkin as ‘early-harvest autumn squash’ and ice cream as ‘low-temperature sweet custard’). Although to be honest, I’m sure that if you put the words “Blake Lively” into Google Translate, the result would be a picture of a organic pumpkin ice cream. The only thing more Bland Lively than organic hand-churned pumpkin ice cream would be organic hand-churned plain ice cream (mmmmm…bland). But she’s pregnant, which means her tastes are a little more ~crazy~. Which brings me to the subject of small-batch pickles.
Where in the FUCK is Ryan Reynolds finding small-batch pickles in the middle of the night??? Ice cream I understand – I’m sure they sell that shit at the more upscale 7-Elevens. But small-batch pickles? Is there some secret 2am artisanal pickle pop-up shop I’m not aware of? I bet Ryan is just leaving every night with a mason jar, hitting up the closest 24-hour McDonalds drive-thru, ordering a cheeseburger with extra pickles, then pulling up to the second window with a $100 bill and telling them to put the pickles in the jar or he’ll make another Green Lantern movie. That sneaky hunk.