I’ve finally finished my week-long celebration of Canadian Thanksgiving, aka sitting on the couch watching The Deaner’s beady little sex possum eyes struggle to stay focused during Chopped Canada and stuffing my face full of Beavurducken (a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey stuffed in a beaver stuffed with Kraft Dinner, as is our way). Except I still sort-of feel like a gravy-bloated maple-dipped trash hag, and seeing this picture of a skinny Missy Elliott isn’t helping things. I feel like she’s staring at me and thinking: “Would you like to borrow my balloon suit from the Supa Dupa Fly video?” Yes. Yes I would.
Missy Elliott Tweeted a picture of her newly-skinnay self after a performance for Alexander Wang’s H&M collection launch in New York on Thursday, and first things first, she looks great, the end. Stamp it, mail it, wait for the post office to lose it somewhere in Kansas. E! says Missy has yet to announce how she went from supa dupa fly to just dupa fly, but she’s spoken in the past about being diagnosed with Graves’ disease and being committed to living a healthy lifestyle, like eating right and exercising. Well, there go my hopes of Missy Elliott ever coming to my all-star Canadian Thanksgiving dinner. Looks like it’s just gonna be me and Bruce Jenner fighting over the wishbone.
Personally, I like my Missy a little on the chunkier side, but if she wants to de-chunk, then more power to her. Bitch looks straight-up great. However, the only thing I can’t get behind is that long-ass Flavor of Love-looking clip-in hair and that circa-2002 trucker hat. I don’t care if it’s $800 hair, Missy needs to lose the My Little Pony tail. That orange ombre hair belongs on the heads of strippers and chicks from Buffalo, NY. And that hat! Skinny Missy sort of looks Viola Davis in the face, and Viola Davis would NEVER with that busted hat! Viola Davis knows how to get away with murder, so maybe she can take care of that tragic trucker hat for Missy. Make it disappear, Viola! No witnesses!